In another life, he was sure that he'd have chosen Chihiro in every single one. But not this one.
This life was complex and intricate, with obligations and burdens. He could never offer her the life she deserved - even though he would have given up every crevice of his home in the Spirit World for her, he had responsibilities.
It wasn't always easy being a river god - he had begun to resent the fact. As soon as Chihiro had crossed back into the Human World... how desperately he'd wanted to follow.
"Now go, and don't look back," he had instructed the girl. His eyes had been glistening, his hands clenched. He had been afraid that if she looked back or turned around to spare him even a parting glance, that he'd crumple. He'd just found her...
In some cruel and twisted act of fate, Chihiro was back in the Spirit World. He had imagined this moment, could picture every frame and still, could picture how he'd drop to his knees and kiss the earth in gratitude for such an undeserving gift. But that was not how reality played out.
She wasn't sure what she'd pictured when she returned to the Spirit World. In all honesty, it hadn't mattered. She'd been waiting for the day she could see him again, with his seaweed for hair and green oceans for eyes. In her mind, he'd wrap her up in his arms as if she was no more than a doll, and ten years of longing and waiting would come to an end.
But there was no welcome party to greet her - not from Haku at least.
The bathhouse workers excitedly greeted her, but they were all a blur now. Mutterings of Haku had stolen her attention, whispers of a mate, murmurings of "how would she react?"
She had floored it for the elevator, confused voices calling after her. She slammed the doors to Yubaba's office open, finding him facing the window elegantly, with his hands behind his back, eyes closed. She'd paused for a moment, watching the gentle breeze in his hair; once sharply groomed and dead straight but now slightly waved and grown out. She admired how he'd grown into a handsome young man, almost forgetting the whispers of the bathhouse workers.
He turned to her slowly, his eyes widening in recognition. A moment past between them and a silent dialogue played out, eyes glued to each other: joy, relief, anger, betrayal, sadness. So much was said without words. The emotions poured out as they met each other's eyes for the first time in a decade.
Chihiro shut the doors behind herself, never losing eye contact before breathing, "Haku."
He lost his internal battle at the sound of her voice saying his name and without realising, had moved to her.
He pulled her into his arms and she clutched desperately at the material of his yukata, pulling him to her. They held each other for a long time, engrossed only in this exact moment. Years worth of anticipation, loneliness and sadness were swept away at each other's touch. He took in her scent, jasmine and a spice he couldn't recall, breathing her in.
Chihiro backed away regretfully after several minutes in his arms, the comfortable silence they had allowed themselves drawing to an end. "Haku-"
He saw the hesitation on her face, she sadness that had glassed over her eyes. He glanced back to the window, composing his face. "You heard then."
"So it's true?"
She felt her body begin to tremble. None of this was going right. In her dreams, he would look at her lovingly, softly. His eyes would crinkle as he smiled, creased from years of laughing together.
But as he stood facing the sun now, his face was expressionless, empty. He didn't know how to explain that his thoughts had been clouded by Chihiro since the moment that she had left and it had practically rendered him useless. He didn't know how to tell her that he had been disciplined for even flirting with the idea of being in love with a human. He couldn't fathom how he would explain that a forced mating was the most painful punishment the higher spirits could conjure, more painful than any beating.
"I am to be mated within the month."
She crumpled, falling to her knees, staring at the familiar wooden floors where all those years ago, Haku had laid upon, injured and ill in his dragon form. She'd come to the Spirit World for him - she knew he'd keep his promise one day, but as days grew to weeks, to months, to years, Chihiro lost her patience. She was grown up now - she understood that things weren't as simple as Haku just picking up his things and coming to visit her. Life was more nuanced - but never in her wildest dreams did she imagine he'd forget about her so quickly.
"I have to leave," she whispered abruptly. She stumbled indelicately to her feet, alike the leggy wobble of a newborn dear, pleading with her body to stop shaking.
He'd turned to her then, his mouth pulled into an expression that wanted to plead with her, beg her to stay. But what could he possibly say? He bowed his head and nodded. "I'm sorry, Chihiro."
She laughed. It wasn't the lithe, sweet sound he had remembered from his childhood. It was a hysterical laughter, seething and angry. He watched her ball her hands into fists by her side and her autumn brown eyes meet his, her thick lashes wet with unshed tears.
She started moving towards the exit and his eyes watched her, jaw locked. This wasn't how they were supposed to reunite. None of this was how it was meant to go.
"Did you ever think about me?" she broke the silence, her voice laced with sadness, exhaustion and rage. She didn't turn to look at him. "Did you ever think that your promise would mean something to me? I always thought that something must have happened to stop you from coming to me - I foolishly thought that if you could have kept your promise, you would have."
She turned then, her long frame standing straighter. "I counted the days until I could return to you. Promises are two sided, I told myself." She cupped her face with her hands then, her frame shaking with silent sobs. "How could you do this to me?"
Chihiro felt a betrayal and sadness fall over her that she had never felt before. She felt everything she knew about herself shift - for a decade, she had been the girl doodling dragons on her notebooks, studying as hard as she could so that she could work in environmental law and help save spirits like Haku. For years, she had removed herself from any possibility of a romantic life - she'd kept friends at a distance because they would never understand why she ached for a boy she hadn't seen in years.
All of that... was for nothing. He had never cared.
The bitter taste of rage over unrequited love filled her and in an entirely uncharacteristic loss of temper, Chihiro reached for something - anything - to throw. Neatly arranged piles of books fell like dominos and jars of herbs and goos flew across the room, glass shattering to the floor.
Haku, ever the sullen type, stood stone-faced while she broke down, causing destruction to anything in her path. His hands were in stiff fists at his sides, the whites of his knuckles showing beneath his creamy complexion.
She cleared his desk in a swift motion, tears leaking out of her eyes now. This wasn't what she wanted - this wasn't at all what she'd imagined upon her return to the Spirit World. She'd expected excitement and joy, apologies and forgiveness, love and friendship. But now he refused to meet her eyes, head bowed down and eyes shut, as if her very presence overwhelmed him.
"You never cared," she sneered shakily, grabbing his office chair in her palms and digging her nails into it. "You never cared what it was like for me to just be waiting and waiting!"
She sobbed, her voice cracking. She was aching; she could feel her heart shattering and knew she would relive this exact moment over and over in her mind for the rest of her life.
"I put my life on hold - I cancelled plans because Haku might visit," she hissed at him. "I turned down dates because what would Haku think? I just about stopped living because I knew from the moment I met you that I wanted to be by your side... but clearly it was a waste of my time."
She stepped forward towards him then, pushing the chair out of her way so that only his large antique wooden desk divided them. "Clearly," she whispered, catching her breath. "You've never spared a second thought for me."
"Stop!" he roared, the abrupt shout catching Chihiro off guard. He had remained silent, taking in her insults and cries, absorbing her blame. But he'd cracked.
Haku barely moved a limb as he flung his desk away from them as though it weighed no more than one of the books she had thrown to the other side of the room. It hit the wall in a devastating crash, losing a leg in the process. He closed the distance between them, his breathing hot and angry in her face, green eyes large and endless. "You have no idea what it has been like for me."
His rivers for eyes darkened. Completely against her will, she admired him now that she was so close to him. She could smell him, the familiar scent of rain and honey. He had grown tall, his shoulders broad and strong. He was barely a breath away from her.
"I have thought about you every single day since you left, Chihiro," he growled at her. "That's why I am being punished. This is not what I would choose for myself... but I have to accept that you are a human and I am a River God. I have responsibilities to my kind, roles I have to fulfil as a dragon, things you would never understand-"
"Because I'm human," she finished.
"Because you're difficult. You drive me mad Chihiro! I am trying to tell that that I am so completely enamoured by you that I was willing to give up life here for you." She could hear her heart beating quickly and loudly in her chest as she met his gaze. These were words she had wanted to hear for her entire life; words that mattered little now.
"I was going to find you and stay with you - I would be a human. I would live a life by your side," he hesitated, his hand carefully rising to touch her, his eyes flashing with uncertainty. With the smallest of movements, she closed the gap, leaning into his palm. He ran his fingers through her hair, his fingertips trailing her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders, her collarbone-
"I would..." his voice was rough as his fingers traced her figure, resting on her waist. He shut his eyes for a moment, taking her in. Years of waiting, years of wanting. "I would get to love you."
He opened his eyes to meet hers, the torrents in his eyes almost pleading with her. He looked so completely sorrowful, regret and anguish protruding off of him. He moved his hands to her wrists and pulled her to him, kissing her knuckles.
She imagined their human lives then, as if he'd placed the imagery in her head. She saw them getting married, Chihiro in her mother's wedding dress. She saw their children - a little boy with Haku's eyes and a little girl holding his hand with Chihiro's hair. She saw their home - Haku in the kitchen laughing over a pot of broth. She saw his laugh lines and greying hair. She saw them through love and loss, the good and the bad. They were happy.
"Why didn't you come?" she choked, her autumn brown eyes growing misty.
He looked at her miserably. "I tried."
He kneeled down then, stripping back his yukata slightly, revealing his bare back. Chihiro blushed at the sudden exposure but only for a moment before seeing what Haku was showing her. Scars warped his back: older scars silvering with age to bright red and purple scars, still fresh and painful. They painted every inch of his bare back. Chihiro couldn't discern what weapon had caused this - it seemed like he'd been clawed open from the inside out.
Without realising, she was touching him, stroking the healing scars and welts, kissing them. She whispered apologies in hushed breaths, broken up by small sobs. He flinched at her touch, just barely, but enough for her to gently pull him to her, wrapping her arms around his chest. She cried onto his bare shoulder and his own eyes pricked with tears. It wasn't fair.
She was a human and he was a River God - they were never destined to be together in this lifetime.
They spent a long while like that - both crying for the future they would never get.
A/N: I don't know if anybody reads these anymore but I've been deep in the Spirited Away train and have read just about every happy ending for Haku and Chihiro on here. Something in me said I want angst though and alas here we are. I'm sure I'll write a happier ending soon. Thanks for reading if you're here!