It's me again!
Okay, I know you guys are craving another big story now that "Meeting Grojband" has ended and I promise I will start working on it over the next few days. But I had one more idea that I thought was too good to pass up so I spent the last month bringing it to life.
As you can tell by the title and the description, it's a rewrite of a Codename: Kids Next Door episode, specifically the one where Numbuh 1 is blackmailed with a photo of his rear end. I remember watching this episode as a kid and it randomly popped into my memory one day, so I decided to rewatch it. That's when I thought to myself, "Hey, I can totally see this situation working with the Bad Guys."
So after analyzing each member of "Sector V," I picked the Bad Guy best suited to play them. Keep in mind, a lot of the choices came down to superficial reasons, like size or color association. The only role I think really fits is Snake as Numbuh 4. Obviously, Wolf had to be Numbuh 1, even though the only thing they have in common is they're the leaders of their respective teams. Numbuhs 2 and 5 were a bit harder to cast because while Shark is the biggest member, he is not the most intelligent, therefore making Tarantula the better candidate. However, I feel like Numbuh 5 acts as the "second-in-command," which Tarantula is also better suited for than Shark. It really came down to the wire. And Piranha is Numbuh 3 mostly because of process of elimination. Their similarities are limited, although both are shown to be less mature than their teammates. Plus, I can picture Piranha having a secret sensitive/feminine side (I mean, he was the only one who didn't complain about the animal onesies and had a desire to go on a 'girls' trip.') I don't know. If you guys disagree with my final casting, tell me what yours would have been.
Also, if you just read the first few lines, you might be wondering where this story takes place in terms of the movie's timeline. And to that I say: it doesn't. The truth is, this is more like an alternate universe where the Bad Guys haven't gone good yet, but they know Marmalade is evil and are enemies with him. Logically, it can't possibly be canon, but hey. This is fanfiction. It doesn't have to be.
And finally, while I think it goes without saying, Sherri is not in this story because I didn't have a role for her. Sorry for the disappointment, but I don't think she fits here anyway.
Please enjoy!
"Please!" Wolf begged. "You can't do this to me! I'm your leader!"
"It doesn't matter, Wolfie." Tarantula replied. "You're going anyway."
Wolf backed away. "C'mon guys, it doesn't have to be like this. How 'bout we just forget this whole thing and go on a heist together? That'd be fun!"
"No can do, buddy." Snake said sinisterly.
"Look at him!" Piranha worried. "He's not gonna survive out there! He won't make it as a lone wolf!"
"Oh, stop being so dramatic." Tarantula lectured. "He'll get over it. We all will. Besides, it's for the best."
Piranha started to cry while Snake just hung his head dejectedly. Wolf shivered with fear and from being somewhat cold due to him wearing nothing but a pair of swim trunks. Shark went over to a giant lever and slowly pulled it.
"Have fun, old friend…"
The floor below Wolf opened up and he fell through. The others watched as he plummeted, hearing his screams becoming fainter and fainter. Piranha sniffled.
"Adios, muchacho…"
Wolf continued to fall. And fall. And fall. And fall. Until finally…
KER-SPLASH!
He landed right in the middle of the ocean, next to a beach. Gasping, he stuck his head out from under the water and up at the helicopter his friends were in.
"You know I hate swimming!" he shouted.
"You've been workin' too hard, Wolfie." Tarantula insisted. "So whether you like it or not, you're taking a day off!"
"Hey, if you see my cousin, tell him I said hi!" Shark added.
And then, the helicopter flew out of Wolf's sight. He grumped.
"'Have fun,' they said. They don't even know what fun is. Heists are fun. But doggy-paddling in salt water like a puppy? Boring! Nothing exciting ever happens at the beach."
But little did the canine know that underneath his tail in the ocean below, something was moving around in the sand. When the creature spotted Wolf, it came out of hiding, revealing its sharp, red claws, and it smiled an evil smile. Its eyes scanned the overgrown mutt and once it spotted its target, it moved in.
Wolf sighed. "Well, I guess I may as well make the most of this. Wonder if they sell hot dogs on this beach-WAH!"
Suddenly, Wolf felt something grab his leg. The next thing he knew, he was being dragged down into the sea.
"No, no, NO! NOOOOO!"
Panicking, he flailed his arms and attempted to escape from whatever had caught him. Then, just as he was about to run out of air, he emerged to the surface. But the thing attacking him was strong and wouldn't give up so easily. All Wolf could do was keep moving his arms around and try to stay afloat. Unfortunately, his energy was depleting by the minute and soon, he found that he was too weak to fight back any longer. But just as he was about to succumb to his fate, the creature let him go and he floated back above water.
Wolf gasped and coughed, trying to recover from the horrific experience.
"Man, Shark could've warned me that's how his cousin says 'hello.'"
FLASH!
Wolf jumped as he heard a shutter noise from behind him.
"GAH! What the-?"
He reached down his back, thinking that some other sea creature attached itself to him. That's when he came upon a dreaded realization…he was now completely naked!
"Wait…no…no, no, no, no! My trunks! Where are my trunks?!" he bent down and felt around for them in the water. "They've gotta be here somewhere!"
A few kids playing in the water saw Wolf's exposed rear sticking out, prompting them to point and laugh at him. Wolf shrieked and backed away, covering his backside.
"No, no, no…this can't be happening…" he told himself.
Then, just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, a boat with hundreds of people on it sailed by.
"Check it out, guys!" a person said, pointing at Wolf. "The Big Bad Wolf's got himself a Big Bad Bottom!"
All of the boat goers turned their attention to the mortified mutt and laughed. Wolf sunk himself into the water, trying to think of a way to get everyone to stop looking at him.
"Uh…um…hey! Over there!" he pointed in the opposite direction. "Is that a UFO?"
The beachcombers looked to where he was pointing. But it didn't last.
"Hey! Look at that funny puppy!" a little girl said.
The people started to laugh again. Wolf groaned in frustration.
"That's it! I've gotta get outta here!"
He turned around and noticed a huge wave coming towards him.
"Hm…" he grinned. "There's an idea."
The wave got closer.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
…
…
…NOW!
Wolf started to swim against the wave, allowing it to push him to shore. However, he clearly underestimated how powerful it was because he soon found himself riding on top of it.
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!"
SPLASH!
He fell on top of another little girl's sandcastle.
"Phew…"
The girl would have been upset about this tragic loss, but she was too amused by Wolf's nakedness to care. Then before Wolf could even react, another wave washed ashore and pushed him into a huge pair of feet. Looking up, he saw a familiar face staring him down.
"Oh, uh…hey there Chief…"
Chief Luggins removed her sunglasses and smiled smugly. "Well, well! If it isn't my favorite lawbreaker? So, I see you've downgraded from thievery to indecent exposure. I gotta say, haven't seen that one in a long time. Which makes sense, since it's probably the stupidest crime in existence. Don't know why you would stoop to this level."
"Uh…yeah, I uh…"
"Oh well. To be honest, I was getting bored of arresting criminals for the same old stuff: stealing, assault, jaywalking…Guess I can always count on you to add a little variety to my job, huh?"
"Listen, I can explain…"
The chief took out a pair of handcuffs. "Save it for the judge…"
Thinking quickly, Wolf kicked some sand in her eyes, coating her glasses.
"Hey! Where'd you go, ya little sneak? Get back here!"
With Luggins distracted, Wolf slipped away by tunneling himself under the sand. As much as he knew he would have to spend hours brushing it out of his fur later, it was the only way to avoid any further public humiliation.
Unfortunately, he was so hasty in coming up with an escape plan, he didn't think about where he would end up once he eventually exited the tunnel. So when his air started to run out and he came back up, he was bewildered to find that the sand had become somewhat soft and fabric-like. Then right as he learned that he was underneath a beach towel, a very large woman came over and sat down right on top of him.
"Oof!"
The lady jumped a little after hearing the noise and looked behind her. Not seeing anyone there, she shrugged and went back to the ice cream cone she was holding. Due to her intense weight, Wolf struggled to free himself for a bit, but with enough pushing, he soon popped out and into the open.
"WOLF!" Chief Luggins' voice was heard from nearby.
Wolf panicked and started to desperately look for a hiding place. That's when he spotted a vacant umbrella across from him and deduced that this was his best option. Before the chief could catch up with him, the canine crawled up the pole and hid under the canopy. Sure enough, Luggins ran right past him, much to Wolf's relief. But just as he was about to climb back down, a person closed the umbrella while he was still inside. The guy then picked it up and carried it off the beach. Wolf was exasperated.
Great… he thought. Thanks a lot, guys. Some vacation this is.
Meanwhile, at the Bad Guys' hideout, the remaining criminals were chilling on the couch.
"Gee chicos, I hope Wolf's lightened up a little and decided to have some fun." Piranha said. He and Snake were playing a video game (on a stolen console, of course) and the latter was struggling due to not having fingers to press multiple buttons.
"I'm sure he has." Tarantula replied while typing on her tiny laptop. "In fact, I bet when he comes home later, he'll thank us."
It just so happens that Wolf had just come in through the elevator, still embarrassingly bare. He spotted the door to his room and planned out in his head how he was going to get there without his friends knowing.
"Hey, how can we be sure he's still there?" Snake wondered. "For all we know, he probably left and is on his way back."
Before Wolf could take even one step, Shark started coming his way, making him panic. With the way to his room blocked, he sprinted in the opposite direction and hid in the pantry. Fortunately, Shark didn't see him. Unfortunately, Wolf didn't count on the possibility that Shark was actually coming over to get a snack. The pantry door opened, scaring Wolf so bad that he hid his face behind a bag of chips. But somehow, Shark didn't notice him.
"Nah," he told Snake. "Webs planted one of those technology bugs in his trunks. If he left, we would know."
Shark then took the bag of chips out of Wolf's hands without batting an eye.
"Thank you." he said before shutting the pantry door.
Wolf was sure at that point Shark would do a double take and catch him hiding with the gang's snack supplies. But to his surprise, and relief, Shark seemed to be oblivious to the naked crime leader's presence and went back to sit on the couch, where Piranha had just won the game.
"WOOO!" he cheered, standing on top of the couch. "Soy victorioso!"
Snake was so frustrated, he threw his controller to the floor. "Urgh! This thing is broken! Stupid, lousy joystick that has too many buttons…"
But just when Piranha was about to gloat in Snake's face even further, they all heard a door slamming behind them. Turning around, they learned that the formerly open door leading into Wolf's room was now shut. They didn't seem to think too much of it, though.
"…Huh. Must've been the wind." Snake concluded.
Once safe in his room, Wolf's mind was finally at ease. He sighed relievedly, glad that this whole humiliation conga was over. Or so he thought. Because soon after he laid down on his bed, he noticed what appeared to be an envelope sticking out from under the pillow. Curious, he opened it up to find a letter addressed to him. After reading through it, Wolf was completely devastated.
"So, anyway," Piranha said to the others. "When you say he'll thank us, do ya think he'll give us presents? Ooh! Maybe we'll get our very own pet! I've always wanted a kitten!"
Snake licked his lips. "Me too…I've been craving one for a while."
That's when Wolf came out of his room, fully clothed, but now looking forlorn.
"Back already?" Tarantula was surprised.
"Oh, he's good!" Shark noted.
"Woohoo! What'd ya bring us? What'd ya bring us?" Piranha jumped up and down.
Wolf didn't even acknowledge him.
"Fellow Bad Guys…" he started. "It's been an honor robbing the world of its most valuable possessions, escaping from persistent police officers, and performing other minor misdemeanors with you…"
Piranha was too excited to pay attention. "So, did ya get us a kitten? Did ya? Did ya? Did ya?!"
Once again, Wolf ignored him. "That being said…I think it's for the best that you and I…go our separate ways…So…as of today…I'm quitting the Bad Guys…"
Snake, Shark, and Tarantula gasped while Piranha remained ignorant.
"Wait, wait, wait! I know! You got a ferret! I love those! They're so cute and wiggly!"
"Hold up!" Tarantula intervened just as Wolf was about to walk away. "So we made you take one day off. What's the big deal? That shouldn't be enough to make you think you're not a good leader and leave us."
"It's got nothing to do with that, Webs. I have my reasons. That's all I can say." Wolf stepped over the arachnid and into the elevator. "I'm sorry…"
Snake slithered off the couch. "Buddy, you can't just quit!"
Wolf didn't even turn around. "Watch me…"
The elevator door closed and just like that, he was gone. All the remaining Bad Guys had heartbroken expressions, except Piranha, who still hadn't received the message.
"Esto es asombroso! If he had to leave the room, he must've gotten something big! Like…like…a pony! YEAH!"
Snake couldn't take any more of Piranha's stupidity.
"NO, YOU DOLT!" he shouted with tears in his eyes. "WOLF JUST QUIT THE TEAM! HE'S NOT GETTING YOU A PONY! HE'S NOT GETTING YOU ANYTHING! He's…GONE! GONE! DON'T YOU GET IT?!"
Piranha's lip quivered and he started to cry waterfalls. "WAAAHHHHHH! But…But I wanted a PONY! WAAAAAHHHH!"
Snake groaned in response.
Piranha's wails were so loud that Wolf could hear them on his way out and he had to fight the urge to start bawling himself. He figured this would be harder on the gang than it was on him, but in the end, he knew it had to be done. So, he swallowed his pride and kept walking.
And as Snake attempted to calm Piranha, Tarantula was growing suspicious of the whole thing.
"Okay, this is weird. Wolf wouldn't just quit without a good reason. Something is definitely wrong."
"He…sniff…won't make it as a lone wolf…" Piranha sniveled. "I told you guys…he'll get himself killed out there!"
Snake patted him on the back. "C'mon, buddy, get a hold of yourself. If you're gonna keep cryin' like that, we're just gonna leave. Um…wait…"
"…WAAAAHHHHH!"
"Guys!" Shark ran out of Wolf's room, carrying the envelope. "I found something in Wolf's room!"
Tarantula crawled onto Shark's shoulder.
"Let me see that." she took the envelope and read the letter inside. "'Leave your team behind or I'll put your behind on your wanted posters'?"
"What's that mean?" Snake wondered.
Tarantula noticed something else sticking out of the envelope that appeared to be a photograph. She slowly removed that as well.
"I don't have a cl…wha…?"
Upon looking at the photo, Tarantula wanted to shield her eyes.
"Ohhhh…ohhhh noooo! Is that…Wolf's heinie?!"
Shark peered over to get a look.
"Whoa…that's a big butt."
"Gimme that!"
Snake snatched the picture with his tail. "Whoa…whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoooaaaa! No way!"
He showed it to Piranha, making him cheer up instantly.
"Ha, ha, ha! Heh…how…how'd they find a camera big enough to capture all that booty? Ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!"
The small fish guffawed and Snake joined in. Shark also was doing his best to hold back a snicker. The only one not amused was Tarantula.
"Cut it out, you guys! This is serious!" she scolded.
"Yeah," Shark chuckled. "We've gotta find out who's behind this!"
Tarantula groaned as the other three criminals laughed at the crude joke.
"C'mon guys!"
"Hee, hee! I don't know how they're gonna fit that on any poster!" Piranha giggled.
"I'm sure there'll be enough room at the bottom!" Shark pointed at his own butt.
"Hahahahaha!"
Tarantula shook her head. "Okay, guys, enough already!"
"Heh! If I were Wolf," Shark chuckled. "I-I-I'd just turn the other cheek!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Tarantula bit her lip, trying not to stoop to the others' level by laughing with them. But that last pun proved to be too humorous, so in the end, she couldn't help but join in the mirth.
"Hahahahahaha! I can't! I can't! Oh, stop! Hahahahaha!"
"I mean, I'd hate for him to be the butt of a joke!" Shark roared.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
As the four of them continued to laugh and make jokes at their ex-leader's expense, Wolf had arrived at the home of the one responsible for all his troubles. He rang the doorbell and a certain furry rodent immediately came outside to greet him.
Wolf sighed. "…You're despicable, ya know that?"
"Why thank you, Wolfie." Marmalade replied with a wicked grin. "Please come in, and we'll discuss the terms of your surrender."
Wolf reluctantly followed Marmalade inside his mansion. The both of them soon ended up in a room where Marmalade's associate, Cuddles, was waiting for them in front of an empty chair and holding a weird-looking helmet.
"Now if you'd be kind enough to have a seat so we can begin the brain transmogrification."
Wolf's eyes lit up up with horror. "Whoa, whoa! Brain transmogrification? For what?"
"Well, if you're going to be my servant, I can't have you having any ideas of your own. That would give you the potential to disagree with me. Which is why we'll need to strip you of your 'free thinking' so that you'll do everything I say. By the time we're done, you'll be just like Cuddles."
Wolf looked over at Marmalade's assistant giving him a creepy, dead-eyed smile.
"No way!" Wolf refused. "That wasn't part of the deal!"
Marmalade smirked. "Oh…I have a feeling you'll do whatever I want even before we start the mind wiping…"
The evil guinea pig showed the canine a film strip.
"The negatives!"
Wolf thought fast and swiped the strip out of Marmalade's hands before making a run for it down a nearby hallway.
"Hey!"
"So long, suckers!" Wolf called as he sprinted out of sight.
But Marmalade wasn't upset, seeing Wolf's escape attempt as only a minor inconvenience.
"Typical Wolf. Ever the fan of a chase before being captured and humiliated. Cuddles? Release…the beasts…"
Wolf grasped the negatives of his embarrassing snapshot while desperately trying to find an exit.
"Ha! You won't catch me with my pants down aga-wah!"
He screeched to a halt upon seeing a whole army of robotic crabs blocking his way. Each one was holding a camera, making Wolf deduce that this was how Marmalade was able to capture his posterior on film.
Marmalade entered the hallway behind Wolf.
"You see, Wolfie, that big buttocks of yours gives me a big advantage. After all, the bigger someone's butt is, the easier it is to kick!"
Suddenly, the mechanical crabs jumped up, ready to pounce on Wolf. With no other option, he decided he would have to fight back. Using only his hands and feet, he started to chop through, step on, and tear apart as many crabs as he could. He was honestly surprised at how easily breakable they all were, considering just one was strong enough to pull him down into the ocean and rip his pants clean off. But that wasn't important. All that mattered was that Wolf needed to protect himself from the crustacean droids.
He continued to punch, kick, bite, and stomp on every crab that came his way, so much so he was beginning to get tired. But there were still what looked like hundreds of them left. As the little bots surrounded him, Wolf realized he couldn't destroy them all. So the only other alternative was to avoid them. Wolf looked around for an opening in the pool of pincers and once he found one, he jumped for it. Unfortunately, one of the crabs decided to follow suit and it grabbed Wolf's pants while he was in midair and tore them off. Wolf fell to the floor and that's when Marmalade noticed something else that was almost as funny as his enemy's rear showing.
"Sparkly unicorn boxers?" he laughed hardily. "Oh my, that is too rich! And it's the perfect thing to go with your butt shot! Robo-crabs? Prepare to shoot!"
The crabs held out their cameras, much to Wolf's terror.
"No…no, no, no, NO!"
"Ha, ha, ha! Say cheese, brief boy…gah!"
FLASH!
Fearing that his life was over, Wolf covered his eyes. But when he opened them, he realized that the crabs hadn't taken a photo yet. Instead, they were looking over at Marmalade, whose trousers had disappeared suddenly. And it turns out the flash from a second ago was from a phone being held by a pair of fuzzy, red hands. Wolf looked up and was elated to see that his fellow Bad Guys had come to his rescue.
"All right, Marmalame!" Tarantula snarked. "You can try to mess with our friend, butt…I wouldn't."
Snake snickered as he waved Marmalade's pants around.
"And that's a big butt." Shark added.
"A guinea big butt! Ha, ha, ha, HA!"
Piranha showed Marmalade Tarantula's phone, which had a picture of his exposed buttocks on the screen. Marmalade covered his lower half.
"No…NOOOOOOO!" he ran off in tears. "Cuddles! Get me my spare trousers!"
The robo-crabs dropped Wolf's pants and followed their master, snapping pictures of him with their cameras. Wolf smiled as he watched his friends laugh at the rodent's humiliation.
"Thanks, guys." he said once his pants were back on.
"You're not still quitting the gang, are you?" Snake asked.
"No way, Snakey. I don't have to now that I've got these." Wolf showed the others the film strip.
"Those are the negatives?" Shark clarified.
"But how can such a huuuuuuge booty fit on that teeny piece of film?" Piranha wondered, making Shark giggle.
Tarantula crawled onto Wolf's shoulder.
"Knock if off, guys! Wolf's had a big day."
"Not as big as his butt!" Shark replied, laughing with Snake and Piranha.
Wolf blushed. "C'mon guys, I just want to put this whole thing behind me."
Tarantula cracked up at the word choice.
"Well, I'd say you've got plenty of room back there!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Wolf groaned in annoyance. "Funny, guys. Real funny."
The next day, things were starting to go back to normal for the Bad Guys. Tarantula was tapping away at her laptop while Shark watched Piranha and Snake playing the same game (after Snake had demanded a rematch).
"WOOO!" Piranha cheered as he won yet again. "Soy victorioso!"
Snake was furious. "What?! Why this lousy, stupid, broken…ARRRGH!" he threw the controller to the floor.
"Aw, don't be upset, hermano." Piranha teased. "It's not your fault you weren't born with my skills. Or opposable thumbs!"
He and Shark laughed while Snake grumbled.
"You think you're so special with all those appendages…"
Just then, Wolf entered the room, a towel wrapped around the lower half of his body.
"Okay, friends! It's beach time!"
Tarantula looked up from her computer and raised an eyebrow. "Wait, seriously? After all that went on yesterday, I thought you'd be done with the beach."
Wolf just smiled. "I admit my experience with beaches hasn't been the best, but you guys made me realize that even the worst situations life throws at you are made better if your friends are there. So, from now on, whenever I take a day off, I wanna spend that day off with you guys."
The other Bad Guys whooped.
"Aw yeah!"
"Nice!"
"Asombroso!"
"And besides…" Wolf continued. "This time…I'll be prepared."
He removed the towel, revealing his swim trunks, which now had several locks and chains surrounding them. The Big Bad Wolf would never have his Big Bad Butt exposed again.
The end (Get it?)
Review if you get the chance. My last one-shot didn't receive any reviews, making me think people didn't like it. But if that's the case, I'd like it if someone at least told me. Negative feedback is better than no feedback in my opinion.
Just a heads up, while it most likely won't take me long to write up the first few chapters of this next story, I am probably not going to post them until I get a good amount done. This way I can guarantee uploads on a weekly basis. As of now, I don't know how many chapters I'm going to write before I post the first one, since it's just going to be a prologue split up into multiple parts. However, I do know that I will start uploading again once the prologue is complete. After that, all future chapters will be determined by you guys (more details on how that's going to work when I post Chapter 1).
Also, if there are any other KND episodes that you think would work with the Bad Guys characters, let me know. Chances are if I like the episode enough, I may just do another one of these.
Okay! See you guys later!