Last Birthday

by The Last Letter

Even if you wouldn't do the same/I'll be with you/I'll be with you after shitty dates/I'll be with you if your last name changed/Even if you don't reciprocate/I'll be with you

So, this story jumps around a lot and basically none of the sections are sequential. It took me forever to get this all out but I'm really satisfied, I think, with it.

The song is Last Birthday by Valley.

Warnings for this one: alcohol mentions, swearing, sexual themes, off-screen death.

Let me know what you thought and don't forget that you can find me on tumblr: we - are - all - of - legend - now!

~TLL~

I wanted to talk, you wanted to sleep

Put your headphones in and recline the seat

Spud rested his head against the window, watching the sights of the city blur by. In the front seats, under the hum of the music, he could hear Jake and Rose whispering to one another, their laughs filling the car in a way that made Spud feel wistful. Next to him, Trixie was stretched out, her feet in his lap, her big headphones on over her head and a sleep mask pulled down over her eyes. They were only going to be driving for a couple of hours – they had rented a cabin on the lake to celebrate the start of summer. The trunk was full of bootlegged booze and beach towels and enough food to keep them stuffed for every second of their week.

Trixie's toes were painted army green.

Spud tapped her big toe.

She lifted one edge of her sleep mask half-heartedly, pushing her headphones back, and glaring at him. Under her breath, she hissed, "What?"

Spud shrugged. "Come on, join us."

"I'm tired. We have all the time to talk later," Trixie said, in that grumpy way that Spud found endearing. But he didn't know how to tell her that, so he whacked her big toe again.

"Spud." Trixie yanked her feet away from his lap and shoved them under his thigh. "Man, what are you doing?"

"Bothering you," Spud said, because it was true. It was what he always did.

"Kids," Rose said, turning around while already laughing at them, "no fighting."

"Then tell him to stop touching me," Trixie whined, playing right along.

"Spud," Jake said, taking on the authoritative tone of a father with ease, even though they were only sixteen, "stop touching Trixie."

"Aw, man, that just sounded nasty," Trixie said.

"Definitely do not be touching Trixie like that in my car!" Jake screeched, his voice cracking as he snapped back into being sixteen.

"Trixie would break my hand for trying," Spud said, sneaking glances at Trixie to see if there was even a hint of something on her face that could make him think that he was wrong. That he might have a chance to reach out and touch her, in a way that best friends didn't.

But she had already pulled her sleep mask back down over her face, blocking them all out.

Counting the cars while you count at the sheep

I count down the hours till we get to speak

Trixie stared straight ahead, focusing on the lines on the road. Next to her, Spud was snoring loudly in the passenger seat and all she wanted to do was reach out and hit him. She wanted him to be awake and singing along to music with her, no matter what song was on or if he even knew the words. She knew that she shouldn't, though. She knew that he was exhausted all the time between work and school but it was the first time that she'd been in the same place as him in months – something that she never thought would happen when they were all in high school. Growing apart as adults? It wasn't going to happen. Not to them. Never to them. But, it did. It happened. They all went to different schools and they spent more time chatting online rather than face to face and with all their different work schedules and obligations their promises for happy hours at least once a week had turned into once a month and, then, as Jake and Rose got further embroiled in wedding planning, it turned into never at all.

Trixie couldn't help herself. She reached over and jacked the music up, startling Spud, and he smacked his head off the window.

"Ouch, rude," he said, but without any malice in his voice. Spud never seemed to get angry. Or, maybe, Trixie just wanted to believe that there was a reason that he never seemed to get angry at her. "Why?"

"I'm not driving the whole way by myself," Trixie scoffed. "Come on. Up!"

Spud hauled himself into a sitting position and yawned loudly. "It's not even that long of a drive. You can't be surprised that Jake and Rose decided not to get married in the city."

"I am not a woman of nature," Trixie said. "Although, I am a woman who is getting dressed all the way up for this!"

"As the maid of honour, you gonna sleep with the best man?" Spud asked, a laughing smirk on his face.

Trixie knew what he was expecting her to say. She knew what those years of friendship dictated she should say. That he was the best man and there was no way that was going to happen. And, yet, she couldn't resist letting something of her secret wishes slip.

"That depends on how drunk we get," Trixie said, and she accelerated through a yellow light, hoping it would calm the rapid beating of her heart.

"Well," Spud said, that stupid sly grin never fading, "guess shots are on the menu then."

All of a sudden, Trixie couldn't breathe, and she just nodded, too afraid to say more.

All you needed was someone there to sit next to

But all I needed was you

"He's a bitch!" Trixie shouted.

"He's a bitch!" Spud echoed and they slammed their shot glasses together, downing the whisky in one go.

He was thirty-three. He had a wife at home. He shouldn't be in a bar at twelve-thirty at night, taking shots with Trixie. But when she'd called, he'd went, even though he'd seen the look on Shannon's face when he did. Shannon had always been suspicious of Trixie, even though Spud had told her up and down that he and Trixie were just friends, they'd always been friends. It was true, if only in the essence that they'd never called each other anything else.

"What the fuck do I do now?" Trixie asked, and Spud could tell how hard she was trying to keep the tears from coming out again.

She'd been screaming and crying on the phone, incoherent and emotional to a point that he'd never seen Trixie.

Spud reached out and covered her hand, squeezing her tightly so that she would know that she wasn't alone.

"He just … left," Trixie said. "Yesterday, I thought we were fine, and then, today, he just … left. He just packed it all up and said goodbye like that wasn't a year of our life. What does that mean?"

"It means he's an idiot and he sucks," Spud said. "It means that he doesn't deserve you."

"What do I deserve?" Trixie asked, signalling the bartender for another round of shots. "I never get what I want. Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe this is karmic justice for something awful I did in a past life."

Spud snorted. "Hey, that's not true. You own your own company, you travel everywhere, you have the cutest dog. You are winning at life. You don't need someone to complete you."

"But I want someone to," Trixie whined. "I want someone to fall asleep with and walk the stupid dog with me when it's cold out and I don't want to do it. I want to sit on the kitchen counter and tell someone about my day while they cook me dinner, for once. Jayden never cooked me dinner."

"And screw him for that!" Spud said, grabbing up the shot glass that the bartender had just placed on the table.

Trixie looked too sad. It made his stomach hurt to see her look like that.

"Do you cook Shannon dinner?" Trixie asked quietly, pulling her shot glass toward her, but not picking it up.

"Yeah," Spud said, matching her tone. "Sometimes."

Trixie nodded in a way that seemed regretful to Spud, a tear spilling out of one eye as she picked up her shot glass and held it up to him. Spud clinked the rims together in a 'cheers' gesture.

"To you and Shannon," Trixie said, and then she threw back her shot.

Spud had no choice but to do the same.

I'll be with you at the baggage claim

I'll be with you on your last birthday

Trixie tapped her foot impatiently, looking at the flight schedules. Spud had arrived on time. Where the hell was he? She was a busy woman; she didn't have all day to wait for him. Except, that she would, because she was a good friend, and it was what good friends did. She huffed and crossed her arms, leaning against the wall and watching the crowds go by. Huge families trying to wrangle their broods, single travellers with their hoods pulled up and an on-the-go attitude, lovey dovey couples clearly in New York to celebrate their honeymoons. It was the hungover spring breakers that Trixie was keeping an eye out for, looking for Spud's messy hair and bright orange backpack that he took everywhere with him.

Trixie was startled when some bald-headed freak clutching an IKEA bag sidled up to her.

"Trixie," it groaned, and Trixie revaluated.

"Spud? You – you're … Where's –"

Spud groaned, looking at her with miserable eyes. "My backpack broke."

"I'm not concerned about the backpack," Trixie said. She reached her hand up, almost thought better of it, and then decided it was Spud. She rubbed his bald head. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I fell asleep. And they thought it would be funny to see how much of my head they could shave before I woke up. And the answer was all of it." Spud crinkled the IKEA bag and flinched at the sound. "I need McDonald's, Trix."

Trixie rubbed his head again, mesmerized by the glare coming off it.

"Trixie, please."

Feeling generous for once, Trixie took his IKEA bag from him and let him lean his weight on her as they walked out the door.

"All right, Spud, let's go get you some McDonald's."

Even if you wouldn't do the same

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

This was it. High school grad party. The last time that the majority of their class was going to be in the same place. The last glimpse of normalcy before they headed into a summer that was going to be full of transitions. A summer that had an end date like no other had before.

Spud put on his cleanest clothes and brushed his hair for once, taking a shot of whisky from the hidden flask in his room, trying to hype himself up. He had been feeling the push and pull of a crush for a year, at least, when it came to Trixie. And, now, he was going to tell her. He was going to rip the band-aid off and just say it. They were both chill people. They could still be friends after. He was just tired of being scared. He wanted something and he wanted that something to be real. He wanted, he'd admit it, what Jake and Rose had. He wanted to fall in love with someone who had seen him grow up and go through changes – who had seen him at his highs and lows of every stage of life. He wanted someone like Trixie, who wasn't scared to call him on his B.S. and who had a tough exterior that only melted on occasion, letting him feel like he was being given a gift.

His phone startled him out of his reverie and Spud realized that he'd been forehead to forehead with the bathroom mirror, staring deep into his own eyes.

He turned his back on the mirror and answered his phone.

"YO!" Jake shouted, sounding tipsy already. "Where are you?"

"Just leaving, man," Spud said, throwing on his jacket and grabbing his keys, rushing out to the street to make it true. "You there?"

"Oh, yeah," Jake said, laughing. "And you're never going to believe what Trixie's doing!"

Spud felt his blood run cold. "What?"

"Well, she's …" Jake let his sentence hang dramatically.

"Cut the shit, man," Spud said, trying not to sound too charged up about it. It wouldn't make sense if he sounded too interested and he didn't want Jake to know what he was feeling. Not before Trixie did; not before he knew how it was going to go.

"She's making out with Stacey!" Jake shrieked.

"She's what?" Spud whispered, feeling his mouth go dry.

"You still harbouring that crush on Stacey?" Jake asked, sounding a little more sober, a little more apologetic. "My bad, dude, but they're, uh, really into each other right now. You know how Trixie is with people she likes when she's drunk."

Spud touched his lips, slowing his walking pace to a crawl. No, he didn't know.

In this moment, he desperately wished that he did.

I'll be with you after shitty dates

I'll be with you if your last name changed

"After his first date with Shannon, Spud came over to my place," Trixie said, trying to balance her phone, the microphone, and looking around at the crowd. "And he told me it was terrible."

She glanced at the head table. Spud, Rose, and Jake were laughing. Shannon was smiling politely. Trixie didn't read too much into it and she wouldn't have cared, even if she did. She knew Shannon didn't particularly like her but it didn't bother her in the slightest. She wasn't here because it was Shannon's wedding. She was here because it was Spud's wedding and she would never be evicted from Spud's life. Never.

"Spud told me that he made a complete fool out of himself and that she wouldn't talk to him. He arrived with Chinese takeout and a bottle of whisky. He said that the restaurant wasn't worth going to because it was tiny portions for too much money and he couldn't pronounce any of the cocktail names. He said that girl that picked a restaurant like that was a girl that he didn't need to waste his time on anyway."

Shannon's polite smile had turned to a glare but Spud was still full of mirth. It wasn't socially acceptable to ignore the bride at her own wedding but Trixie had never been about social conventions.

"Imagine our surprise the next morning when Shannon had texted him asking if they could go out again. Spud asked her out for burgers and beer – he'd had some bad experiences with women just using him for free food before, so he needed to be safe. Shannon was on board for the burgers and the beers and, now, two years later, here we are. We are drinking the fancy Champ-ag-ne," Trixie said, exaggerating every syllable and watching Spud nearly double over in laughter, "that Spud still hasn't learn to pronounce."

Shannon looked like she wanted to commit murder but she stayed still, posed like a porcelain doll, with her picture-perfect dress and veil.

"Spud has been my best friend most of my life and I'm so glad to be able to celebrate a moment like this with him, with the woman that he's fallen in love with." Here, Trixie had to fight for her own polite smile. It didn't feel right to her that she had to share Spud with anyone but Jake. He was always her call in the middle of the night, her impulsive road trip partner when she saw somewhere on TikTok that she absolutely had to visit, her could've been. Her would've been. Her should've been. "To the bride and groom. I wish you both years of happiness. May you get everything you want."

Even though it was the hardest thing she'd ever done, Trixie raised her glass and faced Spud and Shannon head on, putting her biggest and brightest smile on her face.

"I love you both."

Even if you don't reciprocate

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

Spud took Jake's youngest into his arms, letting the boy seize onto his fingers with his two-week-old strength. He cradled Lucas to his chest, walking around his nursery to soothe him, even though Lucas was the calmest of Jake's and Rose's children. Thus far, anyway.

"Can I have this one?" Spud asked.

Jake barely looked up from where he was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking himself back and forth even though he wasn't holding a baby. "Uh, that's a Rose question. I … I think it'll be a 'no'."

"I need a little Spudinski," Spud said, cooing at Lucas, whose brown eyes kept opening and closing in a sleepy way. "You have too many."

"That's a matter of opinion," Jake said.

Downstairs, the sound of his three older daughters echoed loudly, while Rose strongly told them to be quiet while Jake's oldest son stuck his head in the door.

"Dad, can I hang out with you guys?" Simon asked. "The girls are too loud."

"We're having a grown-up conversation, buddy," Jake said. "We'll come rescue you soon."

Simon rolled his eyes and slammed the door, startling Lucas into sobbing.

"I am so afraid for when he becomes a teenager," Jake muttered.

Spud cuddled Lucas. "You ever think about wearing a condom, man? You have five kids under ten."

"Four, if you kidnap that one," Jake said. "So …"

Spud knew it was the start of the conversation. The reason why he'd driven over to talk to his best friend in the first place. He suddenly couldn't face it and overly focused on Lucas, who was sucking on his fingers and didn't really need any focus.

"Shannon filed for divorce," Spud said, feeling the lump in his throat grow. "She said that she doesn't see a future with me and that she's tired of competing for my attention and she's tired of telling me that and me not taking her seriously."

"Is this still over Trixie?" Jake asked. "Is she still obsessed with you and Trixie being more than friends?"

"Do you think it was a sign?" Spud asked. "That she couldn't accept our friendship?"

Jake inhaled deeply. They'd been friends for too long; Spud knew that sound was signalling something that he probably needed to hear but definitely didn't want to hear.

"Dude, I think you tanked it from the beginning by not telling Shannon that you and Trixie have been more than friends."

"What? No. Trixie and I have always been friends."

"With the occasional benefits," Jake said. "Come on, don't think I don't know. You two think you were running around doing all this stuff without me in the loop because I was at home raising babies? Nu-uh, Jake knows all."

"Yeah? What do you know?" Spud asked, hiding behind his wall of sarcasm.

"I know that on her wedding day, Trixie said that if you had objected, she would have run away with you."

Spud put Lucas on his shoulder and rubbed his back, just for something to do. Just so that he didn't have to think about what Jake had said. Just so that Jake didn't read the regret on his face: he should have asked Trixie to run away with him long before now.

"Why are you telling me that?"

"Because Kyle's a tool," Jake scoffed. "I don't know what she sees in him."

But, Spud did. He had spent long days and nights on the phone with Trixie, post their ten-year high school reunion when she and Kyle Wilkins had their first real conversation probably, ever. Kyle had been in a relationship at the time and, then, Trixie had been. Spud had been on the phone with her while she babbled about timing and what it meant when people came in and out of your life like that and he'd sat there and thought about their own timing, which they'd always seemed to let pass by them. He'd thought it, and only thought it, because he was with Shannon and they were forever. They had decided they were going to be forever, together, and it was the first time that Spud had ever really felt picked back. He'd told Trixie to go for it, when she had gotten over the pain of Jayden's ghosting, and she was talking about how she and Kyle were just such good friends and didn't friends make the best lovers? That had probably been the moment that Spud would have been a runaway bride for her, but he didn't offer and neither did she.

Now he was getting divorced and Trixie was on her honeymoon. Where was the justice in that?

"She picked him. I picked Shannon. And, I hope it turns out better for her." Spud returned Lucas to Jake's arms. "I think he needs a diaper change."

"Thanks, Uncle Spud," Jake hissed, and then he inhaled. "Whew. That one stinks."

Spud left Jake behind in the nursery, heading downstairs where Anna, Fern, and Ruby were doggedly painting each others' faces with eye-shadow while Rose was furiously scrubbing the kitchen counter.

"Spud," Rose gasped when she saw him, "are you staying for dinner?"

"I was thinking I'd go get some takeout for everyone," Spud said, "and save you a night from cooking."

Plus, he needed to be with his family right now. He didn't want to be alone at all.

"Oh, Spud, you don't have to do that. There's so many of us –"

"I've got one condition," Spud said, holding up his hand.

"What's that?"

"I get to take Simon with me."

In the living room, Spud heard Simon's loud "YES!" and an immediate pitter-patter of his feet as he launched into the kitchen. "Can we get fried chicken?"

"Uncle Spud," Ruby, the youngest of the girls, whined. "Can't we go?"

"Yeah!" her sisters said, the twins joining each other in the tandem that they always seemed to use. "Can we go?"

"Next time," Spud promised. "We'll do Simon first and then the next oldest then –"

"I'm older," Fern said smugly.

"No, idiot, I'm older," Anna corrected.

"Mom!"

"Anna was born first."

"How sure are you that she's actually Anna and she's actually Fern?" Spud asked Rose and Rose looked startled.

"Take Simon," Rose said, giving up. "And, bring back a vegetable! Potato salad doesn't count!"

Simon was already climbing up Spud's back to hang his little arms around Spud's neck. "Potato salad is so a vegetable."

"Mom said it's not," Spud said, carrying Simon out the front door and toward his car. "But she didn't say a thing about coleslaw."

"Ew, Uncle Spud, no one eats coleslaw."

"Have you ever had it?" Spud asked, depositing Simon in the front seat.

"Well … no," Simon admitted.

"Well, then, vegetables covered in mayo for dinner it is."

"And fried chicken!" Simon shouted, pumping his fists in the air.

Spud closed the door and made his way around the car toward the driver's seat. He didn't even have to fight to keep his smile on his face.

His family was exactly what he needed.

When your hair is on fire and you can't feel your face

When your landlord calls and you've got thirty days

"Really, you don't need to make up a bed for me," Spud said. "I've slept on your couch before."

Not while he was surrounded by boxes. Not while his whole life was in the three feet of living room space that Trixie's studio apartment had. She held out the blanket to him and the one spare pillow that she had and Spud took one in each hand, standing there, looking defeated.

"You shouldn't be allowed to just boot someone out of their apartment," he said. "I didn't even know my stupid roommate wasn't paying rent! Don't they have to tell you that kind of crap before just kicking you out?"

Trixie shrugged. "Probably."

Spud dropped down on the couch, which was more of a futon, which was much shorter than he was. Trixie didn't know how he'd be able to sleep comfortably. She glanced toward her bed, which was the one extravagance that she'd allowed herself in her twenties, where nothing was affordable and instant noodles and alcohol were the only essential food groups. It was a California King and was the majority of her apartment space. It had more than enough room for the two of them. In fact, Spud had ended up there enough times that they already knew which side each of them would take. But it seemed weird to say 'stay in my bed' now that he was evicted. It seemed too much like an invitation to move in or an indication that they were more than friends. Neither of which was happening. Neither of which were an option.

Spud sat down on the futon, defeated. "How do I even start to train a new roommate?"

Not knowing what else to do, Trixie went to the kitchen. She collected her pile of takeout menus and her mostly full bottle of bourbon and went to sit next to him on the couch. She didn't know if it was what he expected of her or if they just knew each other so well, but Spud already had his arms open again. They drank straight from the bottle in the way that only twenty-three-year-olds could do and they ordered their body weight in Thai food, not worrying about how they were going to pay for it. Spud's hand rested on Trixie's thigh and she just let it tease her, knowing that he wasn't going to be sleeping on the futon and that he was going to be next to her.

Trixie drank her bourbon and decidedly didn't think about how much she wanted Spud sleeping next to her.

You can sleep on my couch and I want you to know

When it's all underground and these flowers will grow

Trixie dislodged Fenty as she sat up. The little dog barked but it was two a.m. and Trixie didn't know how to explain to the chihuahua that they were both disoriented. She dragged her loudly ringing phone toward her, her stomach clenching when she saw Spud's name there. They weren't supposed to talk anymore. At least, not as much. That was one of the conditions of Shannon taking him back. And it was the hardest thing that Trixie had ever done – both to respect it and to not cut off Spud completely for the move. She let it ring a second more and then she decided to answer. Spud wouldn't call her this late if it wasn't important and, even if she wasn't his best friend anymore, he was always going to be hers.

"Hey," Trixie answered, and she was met with a keening sob. "Spud? What's going on?"

"Shannon's fucking dead," Spud exclaimed, and Trixie felt her stomach bottom out. "She fucking died, Trixie. She … We've been married for almost fifteen years and now she's just fucking dead? How the fuck does that even happen? What the hell is going on?"

"Spud …"

Trixie didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what to think. She had never loved Shannon and Shannon had never loved her. She wanted to think that she had tried to like Shannon and welcome her but, truthfully, Trixie didn't know if that was true. But even at her most jealous, Trixie had never wished Shannon dead. Gone, maybe. That Shannon and Spud had never met, surely. Never dead.

"What about Nico?" Trixie asked, nearly breathless.

"He's in bed," Spud said, quiet for a moment. "He's sleeping. He's thinking Mommy is working a late shift at the hospital but she'll be home in time to make him pancakes in the morning, except, that she won't be. He's six and he kissed his mother goodbye for the last time! What the fuck!?"

"What happened?" Maybe it was insensitive. Maybe she shouldn't have asked. Maybe it was something to find out later. But, the words slipped out before she even knew how to stop them.

"They think she fell asleep at the wheel. They said that it's not really uncommon, night shift workers. The man who came by, he wasn't the nicest, really. He said that it happens all the time. Not to me! I don't have a string of wives who just die in car accidents!" he whimpered, the anger falling out of him. "My wife died."

"I'm on my way, Spud," Trixie said, already climbing out of bed, her little dog at her heels, probably hoping for breakfast. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I need you," Spud said, his voice raw.

"I know, I know," Trixie said, trying to be soothing, but it had never been, and would never be, her strong suit. "I'm going to be there as soon as I can and I'll stay with you, for as long as you need."

"Can you tell Jake, for me?" Spud asked. "I can't make myself say it again. Not yet, I can't. I still have to call her parents and … Goddamn, how am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know." Trixie threw clothing and accessories and toiletries into a suitcase, focusing mostly on the essentials that she would need to get her through the day. Whatever she forgot, she'd just buy a new one of once she got there. "I'm so sorry, Spud."

"I love her. I can't raise our son without her! He needs her! What the fuck is happening to me?" Spud screeched. "I can't … I can't …"

"I love you," Trixie said, "and I love Nico and Jake loves you and Nico and Rose loves you and Nico and all of their kids love you and Nico and her parents love you and Nico and your parents love you and Nico. You don't have to do it all, Spud. You've got a village."

"Thank you. I needed to hear that."

There was a rustling on the Spud's end of the phone and Trixie heard a faint little voice.

"Daddy? I heard yelling."

Trixie's heart ached. She could picture Nico, standing there, with his dark brown hair and big brown eyes, clutching the bunny that had been his constant companion since his first birthday. He would be dressed in his dinosaur jammies because he was going through a dinosaur phase. His glasses would be sitting crooked on his nose, because they were always crooked, and he would yawn, and look at Spud, and not know that his whole world was about to change.

"Hey, Nico, I'm sorry I woke you up. I … I …"

"You gotta go," Trixie said. "I'm getting ready to get in the car right now. I promise. And I'll call Jake, let him know. We'll both be there as soon as we can."

"Thanks, Trixie."

"Aunt Trixie!" Nico said. "Why is she up so late?"

"Bye," Spud said into the phone, and he hung up before Trixie could do the same.

Trixie clipped Fenty's leash to her collar and shouldered her duffel bag, pounding down the steps of her duplex. In the dark of the living room, Kyle sat up from the bed that he'd made himself on the couch.

"What's going on?"

"I'm going to Connecticut," Trixie said. "I'm not sure when I'll be back."

Kyle turned on the lamp and rubbed his eyes and Trixie just stood there for a moment, looking at him. Spud and Shannon had their fair share of problems but the depths of pain that Spud had reached when she died was still rocking Trixie to the core. Would she feel that way, if Kyle died tonight? It was an awful thing to think and she didn't know why she had. She would be devastated, of course, he was her husband. They were trying to build a life together, even through the problems that they were finding. They had gotten married fast; they hadn't worked the kinks out beforehand like most couples had. It didn't mean their love was lesser than.

"Do you need me to go with you?" Kyle asked. "What's going on?"

But, Trixie knew that he couldn't just drop everything. He didn't have the kind of job that he could do from someone else's living room. But, she loved that he had offered. He stood up off the couch, his eyes full of concern, and his hair in a bedhead. Trixie wrapped her arms around him and let him fill her with comfort.

"Shannon died," Trixie said. "There was an accident. Jake and I are going to be with Spud."

"Poor Nico," Kyle said. "Losing a parent that young changes a person."

Trixie nodded, feeling the tears in her eyes start to gather. "I can't imagine losing you, either."

Kyle kissed the top of Trixie's head. "I'll be there for the funeral, okay? I'll figure something out in the morning."

"Thank you."

Trixie kissed him goodbye and she and Fenty walked out to the car. She put her bags in the back, secured her dog in the front seat, and then she got in the driver's side, fleeing from New York.

She needed to see Spud.

All you needed was someone there to sit next to

But all I needed was you

The first time that little Arthur Spudinski saw little Trixie Carter, he immediately made fun of her. He said that she dressed like a boy and that her hair was stupid. She had kicked him in the shins and made him cry. The teacher had made them stay inside at recess together and apologize while all of the other kids went outside to play. Even at that age, Trixie had been stubborn and she'd stuck her nose in the air.

"No way, ma'am, I am not apologizing to a mean boy."

"I didn't kick anyone," Spud said.

"No," Miss Clarisse had said, "but, words can hurt, Spud, can't they?"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," Trixie chanted.

"Then, I didn't do anything wrong!" Spud said, pointing at her. "I didn't hit her with a stick!"

"Words have an impact," Miss Clarisse said firmly, "and what you did made Trixie lash out. Trixie, we can't hurt someone just because they've said something that hurt us. That's something that you're always going to have to remember forever."

Trixie put her hands on her hips and stared Spud down. "I'm not a boy, Mister Potato-Head!"

"It's Mister Spud to you, sir!" Spud shouted back at her.

Miss Clarisse had rolled her eyes but, in the way that only children could manage, by that time, Trixie and Spud already had their arms around one another, laughing their little heads off.

I'll be with you at the baggage claim

I'll be with you on your last birthday

Trixie sat in her childhood bedroom, her head in her hands, thinking this shouldn't be so hard. It wasn't forever. It was just college. And she had spent the last year of high school not really understanding what everyone meant what they said that it was all going to change and that there was really no going back to the way that it was now. She had blown off her parents when they had wanted to take more pictures of her than in the first year of life and hadn't understood the urge in her friends to spend more time with their parents. She loved her parents, so much that her heart hurt, but she had to admit that they had been gone a lot too. Since her grandmother had died, it was her friends who she had to rely on. Her friends were her constants.

She was losing her constants.

She hurriedly wiped at her eyes, hearing a sliding sound on the hallway outside her bedroom door. Spud said she had the best hallway to slide down on in his socks and Spud liked to slide on his socks everywhere he could.

Her bedroom door burst open and he tumbled in. Trixie looked up and took him in. This was Spud. Her Spud. He had his shaggy long hair and his collection of coloured beanies and bright graphic t-shirts that she always thought looked stupid but she thought he looked more stupid when he wasn't wearing him. He always wore big baggy pants that looked more reminiscent of the 1990s than now. He looked the way he always did in her minds eye. And, in three days, she was leaving for school. In five days, he was leaving for school. Jake and Rose would stay behind in New York. She wondered what they would look like, when they were all back together again. Would she come home for Thanksgiving and find that Spud hadn't, that his parents had gone to visit him instead? Would she be the one not to return for Christmas? Next summer, when they met up like they promised they would, would he still look like Spud? Would he be wearing his baggy pants? Would Jake cut the colour from his hair? Would they, too, look at her and think that she was a stranger? Trixie didn't know how to not be known by her friends. She didn't know how to have friends that weren't these two.

Spud sat down on the floor by her legs, resting his chin on her thigh like he was a puppy searching for attention.

"You good?"

Trixie could lie to him but she knew that he would see through it.

"It's getting to be too much," she whispered.

"What is?"

"That everything is going to be different." Trixie admitted it without shame and without pride. When the tears started dripping from her eyes, she didn't try to stop them. She was allowed to mourn the end of this. All of the days leading up to this one were the best days of her life. What came next could be better but she didn't know that for sure. "Does it make sense to say that I already miss you, even though you're right here?"

"I get it," Spud said. "Like, what's it gonna be like when Jake's not in any of my classes or you're not at the party? Like, when I go get pancakes on Saturday morning, I'm going to go alone."

Trixie sniffled. Spud understanding here wasn't making her feeling any better. Frankly, it was making her feel worse. "You'll find other friends. Who wouldn't want Saturday morning pancakes with you?"

"We can all still Facetime," Spud said. "Go to different diners but we'll all get a stack of pancakes and we can pretend."

"It's pretend," Trixie murmured. "But we'll still have break and stuff and it's not like we're never going to see each other again."

"Of course we're going to see each other again!" Spud exclaimed. "Trix, it doesn't matter when or where we are. You're always going to be my first call."

That did make Trixie smile. "You're always going to be my first call too, Spud."

"Now, let's go. Jake's waiting. Time for skating and pizza."

Spud hopped to his feet and grabbed her hands and she let him pull him up and they ran from her bedroom, sliding on their sock feet down the hallway together.

Even if you wouldn't do the same

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

Trixie rushed onto the patio of the small café, Fenty's short legs working overtime to keep up with her. She spotted Rose immediately and dropped down next to her, apologies falling out of her mouth.

Rose just laughed. "You overslept because you just got back from your fantastic honeymoon with your new hot husband and you're jet-legged. Don't worry, we understand."

"Hi," Trixie cooed at Lucas, who was sitting in Rose's lap and staring around at all of the new sights distrustfully. "Do you remember me? Or was I gone too long?"

He blew a spit bubble at her.

"Okay," Trixie said, leaning back. She quickly got Fenty a water bowl and tied her leash to the chair. "So, what did I miss while I was in Europe?"

The most inattentive person could have seen the look of unease that crossed Rose's face.

"What?" Trixie asked. "What happened?"

"Good morning! I'm Joseph! What can I get started for you guys?"

Trixie skimmed the menu and ordered quickly but Rose took her time. A stone settled into Trixie's stomach. Had something happened? Was someone hurt? No. They would have called her if it was an emergency. They knew her well enough to know that she would want to be here.

"Tell me," Trixie said, when Joseph was gone. "Rip the Band-Aid off."

"Shannon called Spud about two weeks ago."

Trixie frowned. "Is the divorced finalized? That seems fast."

"She's pregnant. He moved to Connecticut last week to give them another chance."

Trixie knew it wasn't right and it wasn't fair but her heart ached. She was married. She was married to someone who loved her and who had tried with her. She was married to someone who had decided it was their time and they had made that happen. Spud had never been hers. And she was someone else's now. Trixie spun her wedding ring around her finger once in a very quick motion, but she knew Rose saw it. Rose knew her nearly as well as Jake and Spud did now and understood her in a way that the boys never could.

"So, they're not getting divorced after all," Trixie said quietly, wondering if that would be easier to understand if she said it aloud. "They made each other miserable. I thought Spud said he'd never go back. Going back and trying again for the kid doesn't seem right. Moving, maybe, to be right by the kid, that sounds like Spud, but …"

Rose opened her mouth and shut it again, deep worry lines appearing between her eyes.

"What? Come on, it's not like you to hesitate," Trixie scoffed. "Tell me. Everything."

"I don't think this is my place to tell you," Rose said, "but, also, I know if I were you, I'd want to know. You just have to promise me that you'll act like I didn't say a word."

"I won't," Trixie promised. "You're safe with me, Rose, you know that."

"I know."

Rose reached across the table and took Trixie's hand and Trixie felt like her heart was going to just fall out of her chest. They weren't this type of touchy-feely friends. She wanted to wave Joseph back over and tell him to put alcohol in the coffee because she was getting the feeling that she was going to need it.

"Tomorrow, Spud is going to call you and tell you all of that. He's also going to tell you that Shannon has asked that you two don't talk anymore."

Trixie let out a squeak.

"She's fine if you're both hanging out with Jake or it's a bigger group thing but she doesn't want the one-on-one chats anymore. It was her ultimatum for getting back together with him."

"What a bitch," Trixie snorted.

"Well, you know she's never liked you. She's always seemed a little insecure in their relationship, if I'm being honest –"

"Not her, him," Trixie sneered, the anger taking over the hurt. At least, for now. Later, the hurt would come out. Probably when she was standing in the shower, having a moment alone, because she didn't know what Kyle would think if she was crying over another man not wanting to talk to her right after they'd gotten home from their honeymoon. "Spud is a stupid little fucko."

Rose looked down at her baby and then sighed. "Whatever, he's not going to remember this. Yeah, honestly, I thought he was a fucko too when Jake told me about it. Spud actually called Jake and he was like 'oh, do you think Trixie's gonna understand' and Jake was like 'uhhh, no'. And Spud asked Jake, 'what would you do if Rose said your friends or me'."

Trixie rolled her eyes. "You spent time with us. Got to know how we were as friends. You weren't threatened."

"I could find you and Jake naked together and I wouldn't be threatened," Rose said dryly.

"What did Jake say?" Trixie asked.

"That, if it came down to it, he couldn't be with someone who asked that of him, because it was only going to get worse from there."

"And Spud still picked her."

"He loves her –"

"Fuckos of a feather flock together," Trixie muttered. "That little rat bastard. That's not … I never would have expected this, not from Jake or Spud. I never would think that they would just give up on our friendship. And she's not threatened by Jake! Spud and I are the same kind of close as Spud and I are!"

"Uh, Jake and Spud never had sex."

"They made out once, in eleventh grade, when they were drunk at party," Trixie reminded her, but mostly in an effort to distract Rose from the point.

"You screwed Spud in the bathroom at my wedding and I caught you."

"That was the first time we ever, you know? Sometimes in middle and high school I thought … you know, I think I like this guy. And it never worked out. And, sometimes, I thought … you know, I think this guy likes me. And it never worked out, then, either. And, now, I'm sitting here and wondering what it was all for."

Rose paused as Joseph put down their drinks. "How do you mean?"

"Why is this man in my life? Why did I meet him? What was all this back and forth for, if not for us to end up together? Even in the friends sense. I'm not saying I regret marrying Kyle or anything but all of these years to boil down to … nothing." Trixie felt the hopelessness of it all wash over her. She was the godmother to all of Jake's and Rose's kids. Would she even get to meet Spud's child?

"Maybe it's not about how it ended but what it meant to you at the time."

Trixie snorted. "No, you know what, if it meant anything to him, I would still be his friend. He decided I didn't matter and fuck him for that. Fuck him. I would never. I hope he has a life that isn't filled misery but I don't give a damn if I ever see him again. I don't."

Trixie didn't look Rose in the eye because, if she did, she would see the truth reflected back at her from Rose's face: both of them knew that Trixie very much gave a damn if she saw Spud again.

I'll be with you after shitty dates

I'll be with you if your last name changed

"It's so late," Jake complained as he tripped over his own two feet. "How am I still alive?"

The waitress placed shots on the table and Spud tucked a one into the stripper's G-string. Trixie grabbed Jake by his hair and dragged his head out of his hands.

"Look alive! It's barely after midnight and it's Spud's bachelor!" Trixie said saucily. "You gotta do it for your bestie."

"Rose wants me home –"

"Rose doesn't give a damn," Spud said. "If it was her sitting here instead of you, you wouldn't even cross her mind."

"Ouch," Jake muttered while Trixie laughed loudly.

"More shots!" Spud demanded. "Then we gotta go to another bar but not a titty bar 'cause I am gonna run out of money!"

They ended up at a club, where the lights were bright and the heels were taller than anything Trixie had ever seen in her life. She made some off-colour jokes about how it looked the same as the titty bar and Spud kept on spending money and Jake kept on trying to fall asleep, giving into his dad instincts.

"We did not do this for my bachelor," Jake complained.

"We did," Trixie assured him. "You just got married young as hell."

"I'm going to get married!" Spud whooped, sloshing his beer. "I'm getting married!"

"Congrats," Jake said, his head slipping down toward the table.

"Come on, losers," Trixie said, grabbing both of their hands and dragging them away from the table. "Mama wants to dance."

The music seemed to invigorate Jake, as she'd hoped it would. He made a circle amidst the clubbers as he threw down the old high school break dancing moves. Trixie made sure to stay out of the way – as good as Jake thought he was, and sometimes he was very good, it almost always ended up with someone getting hurt. Most often, that person was not Jake himself, and she wanted to be away from it. Moving away from Jake, though, put her nearly in the arms of Spud. Her breath caught as she looked into his drunken eyes. She knew that look. She'd been kissed many a times when he had that look. She leant in closer, trying not to think of Spud's bride to be, because if he didn't care, then neither should she.

Their lips brushed softly. Trixie's stomach clenched and she wanted to grab him, screw him in the bathroom like they were in the early twenties again. She wanted to fall into his arms and wake up like that. She wanted to not think of the woman who was actually going to do that.

Spud's hand rested on her hip.

"Trixie, I … I can't."

"I know," Trixie whispered.

But she wished that he would.

Even if you don't reciprocate

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

Spud fell to his knees and then fell all the way down to the floor, rolling onto his back so that he could stare up at the ceiling. A man his age, with knees like his, should be thinking about the fact that he probably wouldn't be able to get back up, but Spud didn't care. He didn't think that he would ever have the strength to get back up. He watched the ceiling fan spin, watched how the rays of sunlight caught the specks of dust and thought about how many times Shannon had asked him to climb up there and dust them off. He'd never done it.

There were so many things that he hadn't done for her, so many that he should have.

He heard thumps on either side of him and didn't have to move to know that Trixie and Jake were here with him. Nico was with Rose and all of the other kids. Knowing that his son was in good hands and he was alone with his best friends, Spud let the tears starting leaking out. He didn't have enough in him to bawl or scream. He didn't know how to start processing this hurt, this life, this second. So, the tears just leaked.

Trixie's shoulder pressed into his left one. Jake's shoulder pressed into his right one. None of them spoke, only because they didn't have to. They could all feel it .

And Spud was relieved that he had something to be grateful for.

I'll be with you

I'll be with you

"HEY MACARENA!"

Trixie and Spud screamed at one another, dissolving into giggles as the DJ switched to the next song. The romance of Jake's and Rose's wedding had dissolved into a wedding reception of drunken singing. Jake had broken out his breakdancing somewhere around the garter toss, which Spud was wearing around his head like a headband. Trixie wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, wishing for her own sweatband.

"You need a drink?!" Spud asked.

Trixie knew she should say water but who drank water at a wedding?

She grabbed his hand and they were taking shots, the bartender already knowing what they wanted. Maybe it was a sign to slow down but they certainly weren't going to be doing that. Jake was only going to get married once, after all.

"I gotta pee," Trixie said loudly in Spud's ear.

"I'll meet you with real drinks," Spud answered, and as she walked away, Trixie heard him order Long Island Iced Teas from the bartender.

"That's my boy," Trixie said aloud to herself and then she staggered into the girl's bathroom. She did her business and then walked herself to the sinks, gripping the counter edge. "You know what? Fuck it. Shoes off."

Most of the other women had already ditched their heels. Rose had even thought ahead and had a pile of cheap drugstore slippers for anyone who had neglected to bring sneakers or flats to change into. Trixie was thinking about going to snag herself a pair. After she got her heels off. Now that the idea was in her head to take them off, she couldn't stand to wait another second. She hoisted herself up onto the bathroom counter and pulled one leg toward her.

"SHIT!"

Trixie was butt first in one of the venue's sinks, feeling very much like a trapped turtle as she tried to get her fingers around the edge of the counter to haul herself back up.

"Trixie! TRIXIE! Are you okay?"

Spud rushed into the bathroom and Trixie looked at his panicked face and started laughing all over again.

"Spud, I'm in a sink!"

Spud wobbled to the side, keeping the drinks impressively balanced. "Trixie, you're in a sink."

She couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard. "And you're in the girl's bathroom!"

Spud looked around. "It smells much nicer in here."

Trixie's stomach hurt but she kept on laughing. "Never change, Spudinski."

Spud put their drinks down on the counter. "Why are you in the sink, anyway?"

"I was trying to take my shoes off."

"Oh, I can take off shoes," Spud said. He hoisted her out of the sink and then he grabbed one of her legs.

Trixie kept giggling as he fumbled with her strappy heels, trying to find where to start, but her laughs turned into a different kind of breathlessness as he touched higher up her leg, her dress having shifted so the slit showed off the lacy top of her thigh high stockings. Her body started to ache, in a different way, in a different place. Spud's hands felt increasingly hot on her skin and she willed him to move, but not away. She didn't want him to move away.

"Trixie?" Spud asked, looking up at her. "Do you want me to just take your shoes off?"

Whatever Trixie said or didn't say right now, their friendship was going to be changed, so she might as well get what she wanted.

"No," Trixie said, reaching down and guiding Spud's hand to where she really wanted to be. "Don't just take my shoes off."

When you wake up every day and you're in a different place

I hope I'm not a person in your life you would erase

Spud carefully packed more of Shannon's things into a box, trying not to feel like he was going to throw up or that he was making a mistake. How could he get rid of Shannon's things? How was he to know what was going to be important to Nico when he grew up? Shannon's family had been there, had picked out the things of sentimental and familial value, and taking them back to their own houses for safekeeping, leaving Spud to the things that meant something to him and to their life together. Fifteen years. He had packed up her sweaters before, when she'd filed for divorce and moved back in with her parents. They'd vowed when they had gotten back together that it wasn't going to happen again.

Well, here he was, and where was she?

Dead, gone, left him behind again. It wasn't fair but he had to feel his feelings. That's what everyone said. Feel your feelings.

He'd never learnt to be good at that.

"Dad?"

Nico's voice echoed around the empty house.

"Upstairs, buddy."

Nico scampered into what had been Spud's and Shannon's bedroom. But, now, the house had been sold, and the furniture was all cleared out, and there was a new place waiting for them in New York. The moving company had taken nearly everything that they were bringing with them that morning. Spud was just packing up their essentials for the drive and the last few things that were going to Goodwill. It was harder than he thought it would be but also it was easier than he thought it would be. Shannon's family wasn't happy with them; her mother, Spud thought, flat out resented him for taking Nico out of Connecticut. He agreed with all of their arguments – this was Nico's home, they were Nico's family, it wasn't fair to take Nico from his neighbourhood and his school. It wasn't an easy decision but Spud had to be with his family, his support system, in his hometown. He had never wanted to leave New York but he had needed to, for Shannon. Now that there was no Shannon, now that there would never be a Shannon again, Spud had to go home.

"Are we leaving forever now?"

"Yeah," Spud said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "We're leaving forever now."

Nico made an attempt to straighten up his glasses. "Will Mom be able to find us if we move?"

"Mom is always going to be with you," Spud promised. "Mom is never going to leave you. That's thing about angels: they always know where you are."

"I miss her."

"Me too," Spud agreed, trying not to cry. "I miss her too."

He took the box under one arm and Nico's hand in his and they walked down the stairs of the house together. The memories pressed in on him in the silence: making love with Shannon in this house for the first time since their reconciliation, walking the halls with Nico when he was a colicky newborn, the last time that he had kissed Shannon goodbye. Spud closed the door on it all, turning to the packed truck in the driveway, where Trixie was respectfully waiting outside for Nico and Spud to say their goodbyes. Fenty ran to Nico the moment that she saw him and Nico picked her up, cuddling his face into her short fur.

When they were in New York, Spud decided, they were going to adopt a dog.

"Hey," Trixie said softly, coming and taking the box from Spud's arms, "you ready? Or do you need another minute?"

Spud glanced back at the house. There was nothing left there. It was just a house.

"I'm ready to be on the road. Thanks for making this drive with us, Trix. We couldn't have done this without you."

"Of course," Trixie said. "Hey, I'm always here for you. Whatever you need."

Trixie rubbed Spud's bicep and Spud tried not to think about all of the times that he hadn't been there for her or Jake. All the times when he hadn't been the friend that deserved to have. He had done nothing to earn Trixie's loyalty but he was so grateful for it. He wished he knew how to tell her that.

"Thank you." It was the best he could do.

"Nico, you got Fenty?" Trixie called, turning from Spud to put the box in the truck.

"I got her, Aunt Trixie."

Spud opened the back door and got Nico and Fenty all settled. He then got into the passenger seat, looking at the end of the driveway. The last time he'd ever leave this driveway. The sun was high in the sky, giving everything a flat, bright appearance. It had been raining the last time that Shannon had left for her shift. It all changed so quickly.

"Ready, guys?" Trixie asked.

"Ready," Spud and Nico said together.

They didn't have a choice not to be.

I understand the distance in this inconsistent pace

Wouldn't hurt if you stayed for a while

The first time that Spud ignored one of Trixie's calls, it was the beginning of October in their first year of college. Trixie had wondered if it was a mistake, for him to ignore the call. And she called again, only to be sent directly to voicemail. She'd sat alone in the dorm room, staring at her phone. She waited for his follow up text to explain that he was busy, that he was in the library, that he would call her as soon as he could. But that text never came. He texted her a few days later, sending a meme about studying meaning students dying. It was nothing that she hadn't seen before and it had taken all of Trixie's strength to reply like a normal person, rather than like a crazy girlfriend. She wanted to know why he hadn't texted back, where he had been, what had been more important than her. She never asked, Spud never said, and she responded: LOL.

Trixie thought about that moment, a month later, when she deliberately ignored Spud's call. It was Friday night and she was winning beer pong against a cute frat guy whose name she didn't know but who kept trying to sneak glances down her shirt with no idea that she was letting him sneak. She ended up winning that game and letting him kiss her in the kitchen, finding herself wrapped in the arms of a stranger and wondering what Spud had wanted. When she woke up the next morning in Dustin's bed and saw that Spud had tried to call her again before giving up, guilt gnawed at her stomach. They were supposed to be the types of friends who would do anything for each other, drop whatever they were doing to be there, and, yet, here they were, barely gone from home and that pact they had made, and they had already failed.

Trixie didn't let Dustin take her to breakfast but she did let him walk her home. She never saw him again but she never told Spud about him either. She didn't want Spud to feel like she had blown him off for some random guy and she didn't want Spud to confess that he had blown her off for some random girl. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

The days got shorter and Trixie's world got darker as her academic world focused on the fact that finals were now less than a month away. How had all that snuck up on her? She, Spud, and Jake sent each other memes and their own self-centred complaints. Trixie tried not to long for a real conversation with them, sitting at the skate park, eating hot dogs before starting their skate session. She missed them fiercely, even though she was getting along with her roommate, Cheyanne, and had made friends in her classes. It didn't matter how good those friends were; they weren't the friends that she wanted.

"You want to come out tonight?" Cheyanne asked, probably for the last time.

Trixie wanted to go out. But she was on the verge of failing Econ and the final was on Monday. She knew herself well enough to know that if she went out tonight, she'd be hungover tomorrow, and she'd have to pray to pass the class because there was no way she'd be getting any studying done.

"Nah, I gotta camp out. Have fun, though. Lemme know if I need to come pick you up from somewhere."

"You're the best," Cheyanne said, blowing a kiss in Trixie's direction. "I'm taking off once Brandy gets here."

Trixie watched Cheyanne primp in the mirror, glad that they were rooming together. After a lifetime of hanging out with boys and Rose, someone who was so aggressively feminine and enjoyed being so was something of a relief. They had bonded over their lip gloss collections and their ability to put away a disgusting amount of tacos after a Tuesday night bender. Trixie liked Cheyanne a lot; she hoped they stayed friends long after they moved out of the dorm. But, watching her tonight, it made Trixie wish for her boys.

There was a knock at the door.

"Babe!" Cheyanne squealed, throwing open the door excitedly. "Oh, sorry. Not babe. Do I know you?"

"I think I've got the wrong room," said the guy on the other side of the door.

Trixie's head flew up so fast she almost whacked it off the shelf over her little desk.

"Spud?!"

"Oh, Trixie, you're here!"

Like it wasn't her dorm room.

Cheyanne stepped aside. "This one's yours?"

"Yeah," Trixie said. "I guess so."

She rushed at Spud, hugging him so tightly that she hoped he couldn't breathe. She was so glad that he was here, even if he didn't smell the same as she remembered. He hugged the same and his stupid hair still hung into his eyes, and he wasn't letting go of her. Trixie barely registered Cheyanne calling out her goodbyes and that she'd spend the night with Brandy to give Trixie privacy and space. She was lost inside of Spud's arms.

"Did Jake come too?"

"Nah, he couldn't swing it with exams," Spud said, "and I really can't either but I was going a little stir crazy. I should have called."

Trixie didn't care that he hadn't. "No, no, I want you here! What do you want to do? Let's go!"

"You don't have stuff to do?"

She could figure out how to pass Econ later. Trixie grabbed Spud's hand.

"All I have to do is hang out with you. For as long as you're here."

"Well, you've got me til tomorrow," Spud said, letting Trixie pull him along. "Whatever you want to do with me."

"We're gonna have the most fun night of your life, Spud," Trixie promised.

"All right, bring it!"

I'll be with you at the baggage claim

I'll be with you on your last birthday

It felt strange, to turn fifty.

Spud celebrated surrounded by his family, his friends that were actually his family, his godchildren, and his own son. He blew out the candles on the cake, thinking that this wasn't where he thought he would be when got this old. He hadn't planned on being a widower; he hadn't planned on having a child. He thought that he'd be jet-setting around the world with someone else who hadn't wanted to settle too much, both of them working two days a week from their laptops while the money rolled in. They would spend holidays with Jake and Rose and their kids, spoiling them rotten.

There were things about this life that Spud was grateful for. He was glad to turn fifty with Nico, even though he thought fifty was too old to have a nine-year-old. There were things about this life that Spud didn't understand how they happened. Trixie was here with her husband and Spud still didn't understand how it had worked out that her husband wasn't him. He did, he supposed, understand on an intellectual level, how life had brought them in different directions and how he and Trixie were both happy, even, in their different directions. And, yet, she had been the one who had been there all along: the person that he kept coming back to, the person he couldn't give up.

"Blow out your candles, Dad!"

Spud did as Nico commanded.

"What did you wish for?" Nico asked.

"You know I can't tell you that," Spud said, "or it won't come true."

Nico rolled his eyes. "Come on! It's not going to hurt!"

"Hey, my wish is for me, I don't ask you what your birthday wishes are."

"You could," Nico said.

"All right," Rose said, "who wants cake?"

There was a chorus of 'me! me! me!' from the kids. Trixie helped Rose bring plates and tubs of ice-cream flavours to the kitchen table.

"First slice for the birthday boy!" Trixie said. "It's only fair."

"Thanks, Trixie," Spud said, watching as she put a huge glob of ice-cream on his cake, just the way that he liked it.

"Happy birthday, Spud," Trixie said, smiling at him.

Spud just grinned back and repeated his wish to himself before digging into his cake: I wish I'm happy at fifty.

Even if you wouldn't do the same

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

"Here's what I think."

Trixie shook her head and nudged her empty rocks glass toward Jake.

"I'm still too sober to hear what you think."

Jake laughed. "Yeah, okay."

"And the good stuff, Jake!"

"It's your Scotch. You can have the nicest stuff."

Jake pulled a bottle out from behind her home bar and Trixie nodded in approval. Jake topped off his own glass and then sat the bottle down on the coffee table between their glasses before sitting down next to Trixie on her sofa. Trixie took a long drink and then sighed.

"All right, hit me, Jakey. What do you think?"

"I think it's interesting you wanted to have a drink with me while Spud's on his first date since Shannon died."

"We're friends," Trixie said defensively, deliberately missing Jake's point. "I can have a drink with you whenever I want to. And, it's easier to see you now that the kids are getting older."

"And so are we," Jake said. "Don't play dumb. I know you're not stupid."

"I have a husband, Jake, and I love Kyle."

Jake rolled his eyes and Trixie tried not to see. Spud and Jake had never taken to Kyle. She was glad that they played nice for her sake but she wished that he fit in with their group. She wanted someone like how Jake had Rose. Rose was happy enough to let them go off and do their own things but she also fit in seamlessly with their group. She was everyone's friends too. It had never been like that with Kyle and it had never been like that with Shannon. Trixie tried not to read too much into it but, deep down, she thought that it might be a sign.

"I know, I'm just asking: do you love him more?"

"Than what?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "Than Spud."

"I've never said that, you know, that I love Spud."

"I've learnt with Rose that sometimes it's more about what you don't say that," Jake said. "It's about what you do. Or what they see in what you do say and don't do."

Trixie sighed. "It could have been easy, you know, back in high school. We could have had it like you and Rose do. It could have just been simple and beautiful and instead it's a mess."

"I mean, it's beautiful," Jake said, leaning back with his Scotch, "but simple? Easy? I don't know about that. Not all the time, anyway, and certainly not at the beginning. We were so young and we knew that we only wanted each other but it's hard to stick wit that sometimes. It's hard learning to grow into yourself fully while you have someone else to grow with and then when you have kids when you're barely done being a kid yourself, it adds a lot. There were nights that I slept on the couch or she stormed off to her sister's place with the kids. There were whole days where we would be in the same room and not talking, even though both of us wanted to, because we were both being stubborn and couldn't say what needed to be said."

"But you figured it out," Trixie said. "I mean, you've been married, like, thirty years."

"Thirty one," Jake said, and he smiled at the thought of it. "It just came down to the fact that every night I wasn't with her was a night that I had to miss her and I didn't want to miss her. That person, who is your first phone call when it all goes wrong? That person where sex isn't just sex? Where you can be drinking buddies and lovers and where you can trust them without thinking about it? I was never going to find another person like that. Rose is my no hesitation person and I'm hers. We picked each other back and even when it got as bad as it was going to get, we never stopped picking each other back."

"Oh, that's it, huh?"

"I told you it wasn't simple."

Trixie stared at her Scotch, shifting the glass to watch the ripples. It wasn't. But, it was, wasn't it? Her no hesitation person. Her first call. The signs had been there all along and she had been waiting. Waiting for … what? They were in their fifties now. She and Jake had taken to dying their hair; Spud was letting himself be grey. They had lived over half of their lifetimes. And she had such a beautiful life. Trixie knew she did. There was so much that she knew she was blessed to have and that she couldn't take any of that for granted. She had taken business risks and now she had a beauty empire. But, she had played it safe, and now half of her bed was cold more often than not, her and Kyle arguing late into the night until he slept on the couch. And, arguing over what? Nothing. Everything. The fact that the pieces of them only mostly fit together, and that thing that was missing was always going to be between them.

"What do I do, Jake? What is there to do from here?"

"You don't need me to tell you that," Jake said confidently.

Trixie knew he was right.

It was time to risk it all.

I'll be with you after shitty dates

I'll be with you if your last name changed

Trixie got married in Vegas. It was a small ceremony. Trixie and Kyle's parents were both there. Spud stood on Trixie's side with Jake. Kyle had two people from his college frat with him. Cheyanne was there and so was Rose. Shannon had been Spud's plus one, but she hadn't wanted to go.

"It's a Vegas wedding," Shannon had scoffed. "It'll probably be over in five minutes! Are they going through a drive-thru?"

Spud's own wedding had been classic and frilly and everything Shannon had wanted. Spud had to admit, a drive-thru wedding sounded a lot less stressful. Kyle probably didn't even have to wear a tux. Spud had wrestled all of his groomsmen into tuxedos.

"Come on, I'm in the wedding. We have to go to Vegas."

"You have to go to Vegas."

"Don't you want to go together?" Spud asked. "Come on, it'll be a good getaway for us."

"Between what? A bachelorette party I'm not invited to and all that drinking that you and your friends are going to be doing? Your friends don't like me. Why do I want to go?"

"Because I want you there," Spud said, knowing that he was winning when Shannon let him take her hand and pull her into him. "I want to spend time with my wife in a beautiful, fun city that we've never been to before and I want her to want that too."

"This is going to be partially for us?" Shannon clarified.

"Let's take an extra couple of days there," Spud said. "We'll drive out to the desert. We'll do whatever you want to do. They're leaving for their honeymoon on Sunday morning anyway." Their four-month honeymoon, traipsing around Europe, like they didn't have anything else in their lives. And Spud had to convince his wife to go to Vegas with him.

"And we'll have a vacation."

"Just you and me," Spud promised. "After the wedding."

"Okay," Shannon agreed, even though Spud knew it was reluctantly. Shannon was happier at home, even though he knew that she would be happiest if he agreed to move back to Connecticut with her, to the house down the road from her parents that she had always loved. "You and me."

But first, there was the wedding. Shannon went, as she promised. Spud stood up for Trixie, as he had promised. And, he was standing there, looking at his wife, when Trixie and Kyle promised to love each other forever. He clapped and tried to put the same passion into it as Jake did when Trixie Carter became Trixie Wilkins.

It was everything Trixie wanted and she deserved everything that she wanted.

Even if you don't reciprocate

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

It felt like the middle of a dramatic movie to Trixie, even though she was just standing in her own kitchen, looking at her husband, who was doing everything he could to not look at her.

"It's not that I didn't see it coming, necessarily," Kyle said. "I just thought there would be a little more warning."

"Me too," Trixie said. "Kyle, it's not that I don't –"

"Trixie, please," Kyle said. "If we didn't love each other at least a little, we never would have gotten this far. I'm just asking you not to lie to me know."

"I don't regret marrying you," Trixie said. "I don't regret all the time we've had together. I wish it could have turned out differently but I know at this point that it's going to be like this forever and I don't want my life to be like this forever. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Kyle stood from the kitchen island stool, coming to take her hands and looking into her eyes. "I don't regret marrying you either. I hope when this stops hurting we can figure out how to be friends because you've been a really good friend of mine."

Trixie smiled, though she felt the tears gathering in her eyes. "I'd really love that, Kyle."

She let him kiss her one last time and watched him walk from the kitchen, going to pack his bags. She didn't ask where he was going; he didn't say. So many years, laughter and fights, and it boiled down to a door being calmly shut behind him. Trixie let the weight of being the only person weigh on her for a moment, ghosting through the hallways. Kyle's presence was here, and would be, until she took the wedding pictures off the walls and washed all the sheets.

She paused in front of her portrait, looking at it nostalgically, missing her little dog, missing the confidence in her choices. Trixie's eyes roamed the rest of her photo wall: pictures of her parents, pictures of her with her best friends, pictures of a whole life lived. But, she didn't feel old yet. She wasn't old yet. It wasn't over yet. Trixie's eyes lingered on a picture of her and Spud, taken at Jake's and Rose's wedding reception.

She still had time.

I'll be with you (baggage claim)

I'll be with you (on your last birthday)

When Spud got the keys to his first car, he had gone to Trixie's. He'd called Jake on the way, gotten a garbled response about dragon training and goblins followed by a quick hang up, and so, it was just Spud in the car when he pulled up in front of Trixie's, honking the horn.

Trixie's head stuck out her front door, letting out a scream when she saw the car. It was a beater, Spud wasn't stupid, but he was so glad when her enthusiasm mirrored his own.

"Look at this thing!" Trixie crowed, tripping out of her front door as she tugged her shoes on while running toward him. "You got a car, man!"

"I got a car!"

"We goin' somewhere?"

Spud opened the car door for her. "After you."

"You're not going to kill me, are you, Spud?"

"I got a license," Spud said.

Trixie said in the car, but kept one leg out, so he couldn't shut the door. "That doesn't answer my question."

"Why don't you trust me?"

She stared at him for a moment.

"Of course, I trust you."

And then she let him shut the door.

Even if you (wouldn't do the same)

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)

Trixie sat heavily down in the dining room chair, looking around Spud's new house. It was cute, smaller, perfect for a single man and his only child. Nico seemed particularly happy with his bedroom, painted with a realistic dinosaur mural that Trixie had surprised him with.

"I hope he doesn't get nightmares from that T. Rex," Spud had muttered, but Trixie could tell that Spud was delighted with it too.

"Or you," Trixie had teased.

It had been so easy, to fall back in the patterns of being Trixie and Spud, now that Spud was back in New York City. It shouldn't be so easy, with Spud's dead wife and Trixie's alive husband, but it was. She had helped Spud pick out new furniture for his new house, find painters and contractors, make final decisions on the details. If Kyle cared about the time she'd been spending out recently, he hadn't said anything about it. Trixie hadn't thought to ask him about it either.

"Do you want to stay for dinner?" Spud asked, standing in the kitchen. "Or do you need to get home?"

"I got all the time in the world to spend with my favourite guy," Trixie said, "right, Nico?"

"Even more than Simon or Lucas?" Nico asked.

"You're my favourite Spud boy."

"I'm the only Spud boy."

"There's also your dad."

Nico side-eyed his dad from where he was sitting on the floor with Fenty. "Hear that, Dad, I'm Aunt Trixie's favourite."

Spud just laughed. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"What's for food anyway?" Trixie asked.

"Um, take-out," Spud said. "I'm not actually using this kitchen after all the time we spent putting this stuff together."

Trixie laughed. "We gettin' Thai?"

"Sure. Nico, you good with Thai?"

"Do I like Thai?" Nico asked.

"I think if you give it a chance, you'll love it," Trixie promised. "We'll get a whole bunch of stuff so you can try it, okay?"

"My mom always said I should try everything," Nico said.

Trixie could feel the hush in the room, and she swallowed, knowing that there was only one right thing to say, and she owed it to Nico to say it properly.

"Your mom was very smart and she was right. Will you try Thai food with me?" Trixie asked, offering Nico her hand.

Nico nodded and took her hand, jumping up into her lap so that she could cuddle him tightly. Trixie squeezed him, watching as a sad smile stole over Spud's features, and she wondered what he was thinking and if it was the same thing that she was thinking. Because Trixie was thinking about how much Shannon would hate the fact that she was sitting with Shannon's husband and son, about to sit down for dinner.

And Trixie tried not to let that get to her.

She wasn't going anywhere. Not this time.

I'll be with you (after shitty dates)

I'll be with you (if your last name changed)

Spud rested his head against the window, watching the sights of the city blur by. What a waste of a night. The woman, Amanda, had been fine. Nice, lovely. Boring, bland, not his type. The cab driver's music thumped the windows and Spud leant into the loud sound, letting it take him back to the time of his youth, when he and Trixie and Jake were roaming the city streets on their skateboards, not caring about growing up or getting old or where their lives were going to be. They had just been in the moment and Spud missed how easy that had been back then, before the kids and the consequences and the what-ifs. He could almost seem them now: his baggy pants, Jake's green hair, and Trixie's screaming laugh.

He wondered when he'd gotten to be old and nostalgic.

He thanked the cab driver, tipped him well, and then stepped out of the cab, staring at his dark house. It was never going to get easier, on the nights that his son was out at sleepovers, and Spud had an empty home to go to. He wondered, briefly, as the cab drove away, what his life would be like if Shannon was still alive. He missed Shannon, in big bursts and nostalgic pangs, most days. He felt guilty for acknowledging that he didn't know if he still would be married to her if she was still alive. He had loved her, desperately, a little too desperately, and she had loved him and wanted to possess him. It was something he had come to terms with when she was gone, but it was hard to remember what it had been like in the thick of it: going from so in love with each other that they couldn't look away to being so angry with each other that they couldn't be in the same room.

In the end, Spud always wished that she were here: for Nico, mostly, but also so that he could have those conversations with her.

Spud unlocked his front door and headed inside, immediately connecting his phone to his stereo and turning up the music. Loud, old school, hip hop. The kind of stuff that had already been old when he had discovered it. He shut his eyes and gave into the wine he'd had with dinner and the overwhelming nostalgia. To be a kid again; to make different choice. Where would he be?

His phone rang and he picked it up, without turning the music down.

"You still on your date?" Trixie asked.

"No."

"Can I come over?"

"Yeah!"

"Good, I'm outside."

Spud hadn't even hung up when Trixie had opened his front door, walking in with her giant purse slung over her arm and a bottle of Scotch in her hand. Scotch wasn't his drink of choice but if Trixie was offering, he wasn't going to say no.

"Was it a bad date?" Trixie asked.

Spud turned the music down to hear her just enough and headed into the kitchen for glasses, knowing that Trixie was right behind him.

"I was gonna give you and Jake all the updates in the morning."

"Well, I'm here now," Trixie said, pouring a generous amount in the glasses.

Spud took a sip of his, trying to appreciate that it was a very nice Scotch, but they all tasted like soap to him. He wished for bottom shelf bourbon – that was his bread and butter, always would be.

"She was boring. She had grandkids, Trixie! My kid's not even in high school!"

Trixie laughed at him.

"Yeah, yeah, very funny. You don't know what it's like to be single in the world! Tinder is for old people now. Tinder. Like, what am I supposed to do here?"

"I am single," Trixie said, and Spud paused in the middle of his tirade to stare at her.

"Huh?"

"Kyle and I decided we were better off as friends," Trixie said casually, but Spud knew her well enough to know when she was just pretending to be casual.

"Are you sure, Trix? You were together for a lot of years –"

"But that doesn't make those years good," Trixie interrupted. "Like, we had good times, but does that make the years good? Do good moments make a marriage work? Is he my no hesitation person? I –"

Spud's head shot up. "You've been talking to Jake."

"What?"

"He said that, like, God, forever ago. Yeah, you were on your honeymoon with Kyle and Shannon had left me, and he was trying to make me feel better. We were out a bar, drinking, and Rose texted him and I saw his lockscreen of just her, and I was thinking about how I was going to have to change mine. And, I was weepy about it. And he asked me if she was no hesitation person and I snapped out of it, if only to ask him what the fuck he meant by that."

Trixie shrugged. "It didn't work, though, you went back."

"For Nico," Spud said. "And, in the end, I think I loved her more for being the mother of my son than I did for being my wife. And, if I could ask her now, I think she'd say the same thing about me."

They sipped at their Scotch.

"How did Kyle take it?"

"Like a man," Trixie said. "We both knew that it was the end. One of us had to say it and I took the bullet and now I feel … myself. Like, purely myself again."

"Good."

They sipped at their Scotch and Spud couldn't stop looking at her face. She kept stealing glances at him and he started inching toward her, deciding to press his luck.

"Why'd you come over here tonight, Trix?"

"I've never told you I love you, Spud," she said, frankly, without hesitation. "So I came here to tell you that I love you. I've loved you all these years and I was stupid not to make it our time. I came here to ask you to make it our time."

Forthright, all out there, just the way that Trixie had always been; one of the things that Spud had always loved about her.

"It's our time," Spud said confidently. "I love you, too."

And he kissed her.

Even if you (don't reciprocate)

I'll be with you (I'll be with you)