My request to readers: If you don't like the story – go read something else. I wrote this story in 2015. My Ana overthinks…my Ana overreacts sometimes…and my Ana grows up and is willing to take on the world, but on her terms.

~XXX~

Wounds to Bind Chapter 2 – 'Finally, it's not the lies we tell others which do the most damage, it's those we tell ourselves. From this all troubles rise.' – Anthony McCarten

Sunday, June 5 – CPOV

I completed the glider last night before midnight. I have a sense of achievement, yet memories of soaring nudge my consciousness. Anastasia was impossible to wake. Once she was alert, she was difficult, disarming, beautiful, and funny. We had fun; her girlish excitement during the flight was infectious. I felt lighthearted and enjoyed showing off for my girl. Her admission soaring was more pleased me. Afterward, our kiss was everything it should be: sweet, intoxicating, anticipatory. Soaring with Anastasia was my first attempt at more. I have collected so many extraordinary and happy memories in such a short time.

The pain resurfaces once more, nagging and aching, reminding me of everything I've lost. I gaze at the bedroom ceiling. Sleep eludes me. I'm tormented by Anastasia's fragrance, which still clings to my bedsheets. I pull her pillow over my face to breathe in her scent. Her scent is torture, and heaven. For a moment I contemplate all the times I have slept with her. I never sleep with submissives, but Anastasia is not a submissive. The night terrors slept every night I slept with her. The night I stayed with her, because she was upset, was the best night's sleep I've had in years. The radio alarm reads two in the morning. My sleep deprived body laid here for two hours; my active mind churning. I inhale her scent once more, and close my eyes.

I am awakened by a night terror at six. Flynn and I will discuss night terrors. I need a non-prescription way to sleep more than four hours at a time. Short sleep cycles never used to bother me. However, after sleeping full nights with Anastasia, I know what I am missing.

Feeling like shit, I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling, arms behind my head. The day stretches out before me. For the first time in years, I don't know what to do with myself. Except, I know I can't run away from my pain. I might as well run toward Anastasia's new condo. She might be out for a run. Our paths might cross. 'If wishes were horses,' I chastise myself.

The morning and her street are quiet as I run past her condo building. Two dog walkers utilize the early hour and quiet of the small community park just down the street from her condo. The air is redolent with coffee from the Starbucks at Pike Place Market. Someone drives by. Perhaps they are getting coffee and breakfast from Starbucks. The curtains are drawn at her condo. I torture myself wondering what Anastasia did last night, while knowing she feels her life is none of my business. Taylor clears his throat. I pull the hood of my sweatshirt back over my head and run back to Escala.

Day Two, sans Christian Grey – APOV

The radio alarm goes off at six, and I'm subjected to Heart…

I've been lonely
I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending and that's all I can do
The love I'm sending
Ain't making it through to your heart…
You've been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying to keep it under control
You got it down and you're well
On the way to the top
But there's something that you forgot
What about love?
Don't you want someone to care about you
What about love?
Don't let it slip away…
What about love?
I only want to share it with you…
You might need it someday
I can't tell you what you're feeling inside
I can't sell you what you don't want to buy
Something's missing and you got to
Look back on your life
You know something here just ain't right
What about love?
Don't you want someone to care about you?
What about love?
Don't let it slip away…

I turn off the radio alarm and sob into my pillow. Task one: change the alarm from radio to buzzer. DONE. I always kept the radio alarm tuned to Dad's favorite classic rock station. I felt comforted to know we listened to the same music. I missed him less when singing along to classic rock. However, I don't want to hear or think about music right now.

If I cry every morning, I need to rise earlier. I need to acclimate to normal work hours. I didn't sleep well last night. I must turn off my brain at night so I can sleep. Otherwise, I will be dragging through the day, which is lousy preparation for my first week at SIP.

There are things to be done, as Mom would say. You're burning daylight, as Dad would say. I take a hot shower…and learn how fast the condo runs out of hot water. I will ask Dad to install an on-demand, tank-less hot water heater. We will need one if three of us get ready for work and school at the same time in the mornings.

I dress in jeans, t-shirt and Converse. I brush my unruly hair into its usual ponytail. I make tea and toast. Christian sold Wanda, giving me a Submissive Special I didn't want. 'Yes, it is a pretty car, and yes, it is a dream to drive. Why have a damn car which costs more than my college loan? Why have a damn car which made Kate lecture me about taking the Christian/Ana relationship slow? Why have a damn car Dad discussed with Mom, which made Mom expect more from the relationship? More…' I hate the damn word.

Aggravated Ana wants to charge Christian with grand theft auto for taking Wanda away. Technically, I handed her keys over to Taylor. My karma and my ass can't take another hit so I don't fantasize about Christian in handcuffs. I thought about this once, twice, thrice. I will spend Wanda's blood money the way I want. Assertive Ana appears; I think I'll be living with her for a while. Better Active Ana than Sobbing Ana, Sad Ana or Sore Ana.

Overthink the situation! Calculate how to get the most mileage from Wanda's blood money. Paying off my student loans, but getting a car loan, does not make sense. I pay less interest for student loan. I can survive without a car if I use public transportation. However, taking the bus to Montesano when I visit Dad is inconvenient. Interrupting Dad's schedule for a ride is worse. Borrowing Kate's car is an option, but I feel like a penniless cousin who becomes a wealthy woman's companion, ala Rebecca. I ponder the pros and cons of a used car. Upkeep funds for Wanda require I buy a car with low miles and some warranty. I have starting points to consider.

I compile task lists: budget, bank, conceal carry permit, grocery shop, explore the neighborhood, explore bus routes, drive work routes, look for a car, etc. Kate left a list of clothes to buy. I have a list of electronics which I want.

I download a list of staples needed for the kitchen cupboards. I create a grocery list which includes seven days of crockpot recipes to feed me and the freezer. Perhaps comfort food will tempt me to eat something other than tea and toast. Fresh pineapple, two large jugs of vinegar, arnica lotion, more ibuprophen, multi-vitamins, and tea bags. I must stay physically healthy because mentally…I'm struggling to keep it together. Wristlet, debit and credit card, ID, Kate's keys and my phone. When I take my flip phone off the charger, I notice the reminder to take my pill.

The submissive agrees to procure oral contraceptives from the physician of the Dominant's choosing. The submissive will not enter into sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant.

Not a problem. I didn't have sex for 21 years. I can live without sex for more than 21 days…21 months…and maybe even until Ana 2.1 appears. My emotions mess with me. Remembering Christian kissing me senseless. Wanting Christian when I've never wanted anyone before.

'I don't make love, I fuck…hard.'

I didn't know what I was getting myself into. If I just wanted to fuck, I would have settled for panty raiders like Paul. If things were different yesterday morning, I would have spent the weekend with him. If I had adhered to his Friday night to Sunday night schedule, I would not be prepared for the upcoming week. While I feel both physical and mental pain, Christian is probably considering Mrs. Robinson's potentials.

I race to the bathroom and throw up my scant breakfast, sinking onto the floor in tears. 'Why is he this way? Why doesn't he want me to love him? What happened between the wonderful time we spent in Savannah and Saturday morning's punishment? Why does he like punishing me?' He was stressed, keyed up. Something was out of control in his life, and I know it wasn't me. Mr. 'I exercise control in all things.' was in control when he belted me...considering the precise pattern of bruising on my ass. However, he was SO not in control afterward. Christian didn't know how to deal with my reaction to his need to inflict punishment.

I feel exhausted from crying and struggling to breathe properly. I take my mini pill immediately. I call Dr. Greene's office, identify myself as a patient to her answering service and request she call me regarding a late dosage. I don't intend to need birth control, but I'm not sure of the repercussions of stopping cold. I need birth control which is not affected by my alertness or time changes. I trust Dr. Greene, or I'd find a new gynecologist. However, she and I need a conversation about HIPPA Laws. If she reveals my appointments to Christian, I'll find a new doctor. The Women's Health Center of Seattle is open early and late, and open on Saturdays for working women. They specialize in physical and mental health for women of all ages.

After I take an Aleve, I'm on my way. I purchase a laptop and printer from Second Byte, a used tech store. The laptop is eighteen-months old, but one-third of the original price. The laptop has a Microsoft Office suite, wireless Internet capabilities and email software. The laptop comes with a highly rated firewall application. I buy a graphics program to clip and print pictures. The printer is over a year old. The store provides detailed installation instructions, so I think I'm good to go. I buy a new laptop travel case.

"My ex-boyfriend used my roommate's computer. I need the history wiped. I don't want her to know he researched or watched porn." I lie when I submit Kate's laptop. I don't need her intuitive nature to discover I researched BDSM questions.

"A government wipe will take an hour, maybe two. We'll conduct a wipe so good; your roommate will never know what your boyfriend researched or viewed. I recommend lunch at the Starbucks around the corner. They have WIFI. Take time to get acquainted with your new laptop."

"Thanks," I acknowledged his suggestions. "I'll give you all the time you need. Call me when the laptop is ready." When I give him my number, I realize I want a better phone…a smart phone for a smarter me. After talking to customer service, I upgrade my flip phone for a first-generation smart phone. The customer service rep transfers my information in minutes. She sells me a great phone case and a charger. She recommends two additional chargers. One fits a cigarette lighter. I can charge my phone while on the road to Montesano. She recommends a USB charger which will charge my phone while I'm working. The USB adapter will fit a USB port on a computer workstation or keyboard. She recommends recycling my flip phone when I have the charger and the instruction booklet. My smart phone slides perfectly into the wristlet. I depart with my new laptop and case, a printer, and phone with case and chargers.

At an office supply store, I pick up a white mesh tray to hold bills, receipts and things to file. I grab a second mesh tray for other desk stuff, or to organize my nightstand drawer. I grab a third tray to hold printer paper. I leave with two large bags of office supplies: printer paper, photography paper, inkjet cartridges, flash drives, desk accessories, etc. I also bought collapsible crates to hold things in Kate's car. I will transfer the crates when I purchase a new car.

At Christmas, Celeste suggested we start using everything out of the apartment so we didn't pack and move it. We donated the remaining food and booze in the cupboards, refrigerator and freezer to José as a thank you for helping us move. I'm glad Celeste arranged delivery of a box of paper products and cleaning supplies with pizza on moving day.

I acquaint myself with the large grocery store near our condo. The health and beauty section has arnica lotion, and arnica patches! Score. I buy my own supply of nighttime and regular ibuprophen. I shudder when I see a sleep mask. I buy my own supply of lavender bubble bath, shower gel and essential oil. I'm grateful for the fresh pineapple spears and chunks in the produce aisle. I stock up on English breakfast tea for me, and coffee for Kate.

I almost have a meltdown in the personal hygiene aisle when I spotted the Trojans condom display. Jeez…will Christian haunt me forever, making me vulnerable in public venues? I grab my personal hygiene essentials and finish my shopping as quickly as possible. I need air. My stomach churns, my face flames, and I'm desperate to disappear from public.

I will not think about Christian. I will not think about Christian. I will not think about…

My phone rings; Kate's laptop is ready. I gladly pay Second Byte for their labor. Return home, put away groceries, and fill crockpot with a batch of Italian meatball stew. I put Kate's laptop in the designated place. I clear space on my desk and install my laptop and printer. I am thrilled when our internet connects without a hitch. Kate and I purchased wireless internet with our cable service at the new condo.

I check emails, noting no new messages arrived. Because Kate will receive emails from Elliot, I can't block anything named grey from our internet connection. However, I block grey, grey house, grey enterprises holdings, etc. from my personal email. I delete Christian from my contact list and block his number on my new phone. I replace my phone's screensaver picture of Christian with one of José's pictures of Lake Sylvia. I appreciate not having a constant reminder of Christian.

I won't think about spending weekends in Escala's penthouse. Granted, there were lots of times I didn't see Kate from party time Saturday night through noon on Sunday, but she never spent entire weekends on end with a boyfriend. I find the thought depressing… Christian didn't want a girlfriend…he wanted a contracted sexual submissive.

I will not think about Christian. I will not think about Christian. I will not think about…

Armed with a tray of tea and treats, I work on my new laptop. I create a January 2012 to-do list. Give my new address to the Claytons for my W-2 form. Watch for my 2011 spring tuition tax form and my student loan payments tax form. Ensure I have my SIP W-2 form. Schedule appointment with tax consultant over Presidents' Day weekend.

I build a spreadsheet noting the funds I currently have. I build a second spreadsheet with the fixed expenses I know – rent and utilities, student loan, bus pass, gas and parking. Taking the bus to work will decrease my car insurance since I'm not driving daily. I estimate food, clothing, living expenses and savings per the federal percentages suggested on a budget website.

My eventual spending plan includes $12K for buying Wanda's replacement, registration, insurance for a year, all-weather tires, upkeep, etc. I plan for $7K in savings to pay possible taxes on Wanda's sale and fund my emergency reserve. The remaining $5K will cover household needs, computer, printer, phone, clothes...

The Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant.

Fifty shades of control…Kate raided my closet and drawers while I was in Georgia. She left a list of clothes I need to purchase. I research Pinterest for casual Friday suggestions. I find six outfits I really like. Using their descriptions, I order jeans, cute tops and boyfriend jackets from my favorite store on Amazon. I check clearance for classy work ensembles and purchase three summer dresses with short sleeve jackets or summer sweaters. I charge everything to my credit card and will pay the balance off when I cash Christian's check.

I'm not anxious to buy my usual five pairs of panties for $10 or two bras for $10 from Walmart or Target. I remember how well Taylor's underwear fits. I retrieve the underwear, read the tags and research. I can find this brand of underwear in an Amazon store. I search their clearance section. I order 14 days of underwear, stockings and trouser socks. I order pajamas and a new medium weight cotton robe. I will purge my underwear drawer when the new undies come.

I order a suite of my favorite scent. Mom gives me a suite of shower gel, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, bath soap and perfume for Christmas. I order extra scented soap. Mom recommends it for sachets in my dresser drawers and closet.

I purchase an assortment of hair accessories in various shades of blue and neutrals to help me dress more professionally in the mornings. I also buy a three-drawer mesh container to store the hair accessories on my dresser. The container has an open mesh top to hold my hairbrush and comb.

I pause to consider what to replace next when I am bombarded with Christian memories. 'This will be your room; you can decorate it any way you want.'

I won't live with white walls or white bed linens. I order high thread count navy-blue bed linens, bedskirt, a comforter, and bath linens. I buy a navy-blue set of black-out drapes. I buy a navy-blue area rug which will fit the alcove and under my bed. I can have everything shipped and delivered by next Saturday. Navy coordinates well with Mom's quilt and the white furniture.

I order an e-pass debit card to use for bus transport and download the bus schedule app to my phone. I print the bus schedule and highlight the buses I might need. I need to take the bus to and from SIP at least once to know where the stops are and how long the trip will take.

I fill Kate's car with gas. I don't want to stress over gas levels while driving to work the first day. Using the GPS in Kate's car, I test drive the most expedient route to work. I know where to find a public parking lot. I walk from the public parking lot to the doors at SIP, timing myself. I spend a few minutes noting businesses on the lovely tree-lined street. Deli, bar, public parking, drycleaner and tailor, small USPS office, and a travel agency. I stop at a Baskin Robbins drive through and buy two gallons of Kate and my favorite ice cream. My Sunday afternoon drive was a little stressful, as I'm not used to driving in Seattle. I realize the arnica patches kept me from squirming uncomfortably while driving.

Ever since Kate and I moved in together in Vancouver…ice cream has been our balm of choice. I learned the art of healing with ice cream from Mom, and with pizza from Dad. Mom enjoyed gourmet flavors of ice cream. She didn't eat plain flavors like chocolate, strawberry, vanilla. She ate flavors like Bananas Foster, German Chocolate, or Tropical Trio with mango, coconut and macadamia nuts. Dad thinks pizza can cure anything – sprained ankle, skinned knee, or a rough phone call with Mom.

I would send Kate an email, telling her I bought a laptop…but she might ask why I'm not using the Mean Machine. I would have to explain why I'm not with Christian and gave him back his stuff. She will require more conversation than I can handle right now. Does Christian's NDA prevent me from saying I can't stand his cold white walls and over-the-top art work? I can never discuss the décor in the red room of pain. I will take that embarrassing secret to my grave. However, I understand passages from Brothers Karamazov and Ulysses better now. I bet I could read one of Kate's bodice rippers without blushing to death. 'She admired his firm thighs in his breeches…' is nothing compared to the sight of Christian in jeans which hung off his hips.

I search online for a driving service. I email, requesting an estimate for transportation to Portland, with date, time and place. There are two other services I can contact, but I hope my first choice will work out. I add my purchases to the online budget spreadsheet. Adult responsibilities overwhelm me and I sigh, shutting down the spreadsheet for the night.

"Hey Dad," I smile when I hear his voice. "I wanted to call before the games start. Could I enlist your help with handyman tasks at the condo? José's art show opens Thursday in Portland. If I meet you there, could you drive us back to Seattle and spend the weekend? We need upgraded security, and custom builds in all the closets and cupboards. Plus, we need a tank-less hot water heater. If I buy patio furniture, could you assemble it for me? If I buy paint, will you paint walls? I can pay for materials and I can batch cook a few dozen meals so you can fill your freezer."

"I'd like that," Dad lowers the TV volume. The games are due to start soon. "I will appreciate a chance to see the new place. How are you getting to Portland? Is Christian driving?"

"I'm coming to Portland via a driver, but I will ride back to Seattle with you. I work on Friday after the show, so I hope you don't mind if I sleep on the way home." I cross my fingers. Please don't let him ask about Christian.

"Sounds like a plan, Annie. What time will you get to the show?" Dad obviously takes notes while we talk.

"Before 8:30; I thought we could go for a late dinner before we head for Seattle," I suggest.

"Fancy, sports bar or pizza?" Dad offers choices.

"How about Buffalo Gap which is located near José's exhibition at Portland Place?" I suggest.

"I like the way you plan. Pre-game is on – will you watch the games today?" Dad's attention wanders a bit.

"Tempting, but no," I laughed. "I'm trying to clear spaces so you can access closets, etc."

We say 'I love you' to each other and terminate the call.

Kate barely started unpacking the wardrobe boxes she bought from U-Haul. Her room and Ethan's rooms look like clothing and accessory stores exploded. I empty Ethan's room, putting Kate's clothes and accessories on her bed in her room. I ensure his closet is empty. I can't deal with the six-foot high pile of clothes on Kate's bed. I can't deal with any more settling into the condo tonight.

XXX – CPOV

A beautiful sunset and dusk settle over Seattle. The weather station claims today was a perfect summer day in Seattle –not that I watched the sky or enjoyed the sunshine. I stand and stretch. I've spent a productive day at my desk in my home office. Ros emailed a business plan, and first draft letter of intent for SIP.

I read two patent applications, a few contracts, and a new design spec. I have not thought about Anastasia while lost in their details. The little glider sits on a corner of my desk, taunting me – reminding me of happier times, which Anastasia referenced in her note. I picture her in the doorway of my study, wearing one of my T-shirts, all long legs and blue eyes, just before she seduced me. Another first. I enjoyed our tryst on my desk.

I head to the kitchen for a change of scenery. Mrs. Jones returned from her time off. The pot bubbling on the stove smells good. I'm not hungry, despite the fact I had pretzels for dinner last night and have not eaten today. Mrs. Jones enters from the pantry while I'm eyeing what's cooking.

"Chicken chasseur, buttered noodles, green salad, and hot bread will be ready in fifteen minutes sir." Mrs. Jones is efficient.

"Is there cold white wine?" I smell baking bread as I walk past the oven.

"I chilled the remainder of the bottle of chardonnay which I used for the recipe." Mrs. Jones replied.

"I'm going to take a quick shower. If you can delay for approximately five minutes more, I would appreciate it." I smile wanly; she knows Anastasia left me. The breakfast bar is set for one. On my way to the shower, I add a Lucite presentation box, the name and number of a florist, and an appointment with Flynn to my task list in my phone.

XXX – APOV

I go for a walk with my wrist wallet, phone, keys and pepper spray. Exercise is supposed to be good for relieving bruises. During my walk to Pike Place Market, I find a picturesque tea shop. The offerings are a little hit and miss since serving time ends soon. Most of the remaining menu items are citrus based: orange pound cake, citrus cardamom tea bread, lemon apricot mini muffins, lemon curd tartlets and lemon-berry scones. Lemon cucumber, mint and cream cheese sandwiches, lemon-lime shrimp in cucumber cups, and mini-veggie trays with lemon yogurt dipping sauce. I buy a few days of goodies and head home. I make two jars of chai tea concentrate and make a pitcher of iced chai tea to get me through the evening.

I straighten the living room area… I move the10x10 chocolate area rug to in front of the fireplace. I put the throw pillows from our beige sectional sofa in the wash. I'm determined to turf the animal print ones. Sorry Kate…they remind me of Mrs. Robinson. I will search for chocolate velvet throw pillows. I turn the sectional to face the fireplace. I unpack and hang the flat screen TV on the fireplace front over the mantle. Our fireplace holds a faux gas log insert which looks like the real thing.

Our entertainment armoire occupies one side of the fireplace, and Kate's office armoire occupies the other. I move the console table which separated the living area from the dining area. I place the table behind the sofa with a beige ginger jar lamp and a wooden tray which holds the remotes for the TV, DVD, CD player and streaming media. The remotes were housed inside the entertainment armoire with DVDs, CDs, vinyl, etc. Now the living room doesn't look like we just dumped furniture and boxes in the middle of the room.

I move the console table from near the patio to the wall inside the front door with the fireplace mirror over it. I move the green Windsor settee next to the coat closet which occupies the remainder of the wall. I move the yellow and the blue armed Windsor chairs to the head and end of the dining room table. They look fine with the four white Windsor chairs and the white rectangular farm table. I place a table runner on the table. The dining set is evenly spaced between the breakfast bar and the laundry center. I clean and rearrange the counter tops and the breakfast bar.

I take a hot soaking bath with Kate's favorite ski soak. She swears the lavender and Epsom salts take the kink out of her muscles at the end of the day. I hope the soak will take some of the ache out of my ass. After soaking for twenty minutes, I take a cool shower. I generously apply arnica lotion to my sore ass, and take two ibuprophen. I prepare an ice pack to sit on for twenty minutes. I make a tea tray to take to my room and fire up my new laptop.

I surf Pinterest, pinning outfits I wouldn't mind wearing. I find pins which swear you can dress for a month with twenty coordinating separates. I pin a couple for ideas. I search closet organization, and pin some interesting configurations. I search storage options for condos and pin a few ideas. I research room décor, and lists of what is needed in a room. I need a closet organizer, a printer stand and a water carafe for my nightstand. I research easy to fix summer recipes. I find a great list of Bento lunch box ideas. But before I leave Pinterest, I type in submissive. I can't help my curious nature. I find a bunch of quotes…but one stands out:

'It's hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That's part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can't refuse anything and can't even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.' Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel.

Enough BDSM lingerie, toys, books and quotes on Pinterest. There is no sense prolonging the pain by feeling. I already spent too much time with Christian in my head.

I Google Seattle Independent Printers. I researched SIP before the interview. Now I am more interested in the SIP staff, especially coworkers. I read the press releases from the last six months to know current news at SIP.

I turn off the laptop and prep for tomorrow. I'm grateful for Pinterest's take me to work list for people starting a new job. Uncoordinated Ana packs a spare pair of stockings, a mini sewing kit and mini first aid kit in a tote. Prepared Ana packs a mug, tea bags, a water bottle, mints, hand sanitizer and a box of tissues. Prepared Ana adds a small steno pad and pen plus the USB smart phone charger, a small LED flashlight, a spare umbrella and a street map of Seattle. Ponytail Ana added a storage hairbrush to her tote. The back slides off and I store two hair clips and a hair tie in the cavity. Tomorrow's clothes, shoes and accessories are determined.

Put the ice pack away. Clean the tea tray. Separate the stew into freezer containers and label. Clean the crockpot insert. Fill the crockpot insert with Italian sausages, a bag of frozen red, green and yellow pepper slices, and a purple onion sliced into rings. Sprinkle a teaspoon of Italian seasoning over the contents of the crockpot. Set the prepared insert in the refrigerator. Create a Bento box with a sandwich, pineapple spears, baby carrots and a container of ranch dressing. Place box in the refrigerator, ready to grab and run tomorrow. Take two nighttime sleep tablets. The 6:30 alarm is set to buzzer instead of music. Smell the lavender candle. Lights out…