Wounds to Bind Chapter 4 – 'In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.' –Lee Iacocca

Tuesday, June 7 – Day Three, sans Christian Grey – APOV

I woke early; I dreamed about Christian waking me with a kiss the night I met his parents. The light spilling through my window reminds me of dawn and the submissive bedroom last Saturday morning. 'I will not dwell. I will not think about Christian. I will not think about Christian. Control yourself. Organize your thoughts. Start your day!'

Ablutions, breakfast, dishes, crockpot. 'Is this why some people exercise or meditate in the morning…to clear their head and plan their day?' Early morning tasks completed, I dress in navy slacks and a short-sleeved, ocean blue silk turtleneck sweater with navy trouser socks and loafers. Kate recommended small silver hoops, an intricate silver chain necklace and a silver barrette to hold my hair. I've transferred everything from the mesh desk tray to today's navy leather purse. I need to allot at least ten minutes each morning to assemble purses if I'm changing them every day. Kate left me a lightweight navy waterproof jacket with matching umbrella in case of rain later today. I put the matching umbrella in my tote with lunch and the paperwork I need at noon. I hang the strap of the toiletries case off my shoulder and grab the boxes by the door. I leave the condo early and drive to Escala, arriving while Christian is out for his daily run.

The submissive will be polite!

"Delivery for Mr. Grey," I smile brightly at the morning concierge, leaving the roses box and the miscellaneous items box. I hurry back to Kate's car before anyone can stop me, departing before Christian returns. My hands were too shaky this morning to write a refusal note. Adrenalin? Nerves? Fear? His things, returned to him along with the roses, should be self-explanatory.

I drive to Dr. Greene's office. I explain about the mini pill. No, I haven't forgotten; I was a little late taking the mini pill Sunday morning, but I haven't had sex since Friday night. Which leads into the discussion of how long sperm can live inside a warm body. Her frank discussions are more embarrassing than having a sex talk with Mom.

"Arm or hip?" Dr. Greene inquires.

I stare uncomprehending.

"Do you want your Depo Provera shot in your arm or your hip?" Dr. Greene repeated herself.

"Arm please." I blush from embarrassment. I never thought about the bruises and the shot!

Dr. Greene gives me a Depo Provera shot, along with brochures on how to increase bone mass and appropriate nutritional needs to offset any side effects of the shot. The chance of pregnancy is one percent with the shot. The effectiveness decreases six percent if I delay a week getting the next shot. She gives me a prescription for Plan B, to fill at the pharmacy in the building before I leave. She explains one round of Plan B within twenty-four hours of unprotected sex is 95 percent effective. Up to 120 hours after unprotected sex, the efficiency drops to 89 percent. She prescribes Plan B to cover me if something happens and I'm delayed obtaining my next shot.

We make a return appointment in twelve weeks which is before my birthday. I enter her reminder in my new smart phone calendar. I ask Dr. Greene not to bill my insurance. I don't want to explain girl appointments and birth control to my father. She asks if she should bill Mr. Grey for the appointment and shot. I explain I'll be paying for the appointment, shot and prescription myself, which means she should not discuss the situation with anyone. She has a small look of surprise and regret on her face. 'Get in line, lady,' my inner goddess snarks. 'There's others who will be more disappointed than you…and Mom will lead that parade.'

XXX – CPOV

"Sawyer says Miss Steele left two packages for you at the main desk," Taylor reported.

We stopped by the desk in the front lobby after our run. Anastasia left a box of miscellaneous items and the flowers which were delivered last night. "Why would she do that?" I asked Taylor when we are out of earshot of the concierge. I thought she wanted hearts and flowers!

"Some women return the gifts you give them, some women don't. You don't know which flavor you get until it happens." Taylor counseled. "Miss Steele is not like other women you have known. They accepted everything you bought them, and were thrilled with your generosity. Miss Martin would never have returned anything you gave her, despite her short duration in your life. Miss Steele didn't want your money or possessions. She only wanted to spend quality time with you."

"I'm not spending time with her, at her insistence," I sniped. I'm not spending time with her because I am a monster and she refused to put up with my shit! Taylor knows something happened. He watches the CCTV feeds in the security office. I'm sure he erased the one of a crying and naked Anastasia from last Saturday morning, but he doesn't tell and I don't ask.

Taylor checked his smart phone. "Sawyer reports Miss Steele just left Dr. Greene's office."

"I want to know what that was all about," I snapped. 'What the hell are you doing, Anastasia?'

"You are aware hacking Dr. Greene's server for information violates HIPPA laws? " Taylor looks concerned.

"I'm headed for the shower, give me an update as soon as you can." 'Just hearing Anastasia's name makes me need a cold shower. My southern gentleman is clamoring for attention, I cannot bring myself to masturbate. Elena broke me of that habit when I was fifteen. She said masturbation was something uncouth youth did. She spanked me soundly when I gave my penis a name. Penis and cock were the only words she allowed me to use to describe my male appendage. She explained my penis does not have a brain of its own. My duty is to control my penis or be controlled by my penis. I've gone months without a submissive and without an erection. However, one thought of Anastasia taking me in her mouth our first morning at Escala unhinges me. Fuck, I need a long cold shower.'

Barney takes longer than I expected, but he discovers Anastasia paid for a checkup and for a Depo Provera shot. She obviously came to her senses about the mini pills. However, Anastasia's payment to the pharmacy in the medical building causes me to curse? 'Plan B? We didn't have sex on Saturday morning after Anastasia took her mini pill. Why does she need Plan B if she's not with me? She can't possibly love me if she is considering having sex with someone else already?' I'm livid and demand Taylor provide Anastasia with a close protection detail 24/7. I want stealth and discretion. I plan to call her and ask WTF? When my call is blocked, I'm pissed. I throw my phone at the wall, shattering it into a plethora of pieces. 'When the fuck did she block my calls? Why the fuck did she block my calls?'

Not ten minutes later, Barney appears with a new smart phone. He picks up the pieces of my broken smart phone. He removes the SIM chip, fitting it into the new phone. He drops a report on my desk, sets the new smart phone on top and departs with the destroyed phone pieces.

I put the new smart phone in the top desk drawer, in the event his report pisses me off. The report covers the financial status of a fiber optics company GEH is in the process of acquiring. Since it is safe, I retrieve the smart phone. Fuck! The screensaver is the picture of Anastasia and me at the WSUV graduation.

I stare at the picture. 'I felt overjoyed when Anastasia said yes, she would try. Feeling her alabaster skin. Sliding my thumbnail down her spine. Hooking my finger into her chiffon dress and pulling her against me. Remembering how she didn't wear a bra. Drinking champagne the color of her blush from teacups. Discussing the contract. Wanting to fuck her on the hood of her new car. FUCK! I need another cold shower! Concentrate! Damn it.'

XXX – APOV

Editorial staff meetings are dry, to say the least. I take excellent notes. Jack wants a printed copy of the minutes before the end of the day. Thank heavens I activated the conversation app on my phone. If I can't read my notes, I can access the app to fill in the gaps. Today is a bit grey outside, which means I struggle not to think about Christian this morning. I know my inattention affected my notetaking. 'Concentrate!'

Jack is upset because I won't stay for the lunch they had delivered. He claims the other editors want to become acquainted with me. 'Too many people want to know too much about my personal life. NO THANKS.' I remind Jack I have moving and relocation tasks to complete during my lunch hours and after work.

There is not enough time to retrieve Kate's car from parking and drive to the courthouse during my lunch hour. My cab picks me up at exactly 12:30 and transports me to the King County Courthouse. I must change my address on my carry conceal permit. Dad won't give my gun back until I am legal. On the way to the courthouse, I check my email.

José emailed a reminder for his show. He's included the contact information and directions for Portland Place.

Kate emails her schedule for the day. She brags about the marvelous tan she's getting. Elliot eagerly rubs sunblock on her body, preventing sunburn. Jealous Ana has not had time to sit in the sun since returning from Savannah. 'The sub drop sites advise exercise and sunshine. Maybe I can catch some rays by eating lunch outdoors in the next few weeks.'

'

When I remind the cabbie I need a return ride to SIP at 1:10, he offers to go dark. He will grab lunch from a local food truck and be available to drive me back to SIP. I appreciate his offer and readily agree.

There are a few people in line at the Sheriff's Office. My wait time decreases because I completed the printed application from the web site. I have my current permit and proof of residency I brought with me. I pay to update my permit, receive a sticker to put on the current conceal carry permit and am assured my updated permit will arrive sometime in the next six weeks.

When I exit the courthouse, my cab is waiting for me. I eat my lunch on the way back to work. I feel like I'm being observed when the cabbie deposits me at SIP. I complete a 360-degree turn, but I don't spot anyone overtly watching me. I don't spot a black Audi SUV either. 'Am I alert or feeling paranoid?'

Before I return to my desk, task one is to fetch coffee for Jack. Of course, I empty pots again and must stop to make coffee, but I doubt there will be any left at break time. I check my email, according to my micro-management schedule. Amber's email says don't worry about the minutes from the meeting. Providing minutes are part of her work performance standards. She attached a rough draft of the minutes, the agenda for this morning's meeting, and the template for word processing minutes. She included a streamlined version of the work procedures for minutes.

My next email is from Christian:
Date: June 8, 2011 10: 00 a.m.
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Why?
Why did you return the roses? I still don't understand why you left the car, the smart phone and the laptop. Then you return the roses and the Tess books. I wish you would talk to me. Please let me take you to Rodriguez's show in Portland. We need to talk.
Christian Grey, CEO
Grey Enterprises Holdings

Date: June 8, 2011 1:25 p.m.
From: Anastasia Steele
To: Christian Grey
Subject: Because I can…
I repeat myself. I don't want things from you. As you are jealous of my friendship with José, and as you would classify a gallery opening as a date, perhaps you should not attend. Please do not contact me at work. SIP considers receiving personal emails on company time and at company email addresses as unprofessional. Have a good life, Christian, I wish you well, but I just want to be left alone. Thank you for understanding.
Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor
Seattle Independent Publishing

XXX – 3PPOV

There was a good reason Ana was assigned to check her email at specified times. Jack used those opportunities to check Ana's emails. Finally, he saw an email from Christian Grey to Anastasia Steele. He printed the email and her reply. His instincts were right. They had a relationship which was rocky right now. He was resolved to bed the girl. Anything he could do to ruin her would impact Christian Grey and his fucking socialite family. Jack planned to mentor Ana, cultivating her friendship and trust before ruining her. He had to move full throttle while there was trouble in Christian Grey's paradise.

XXX – APOV

Christian's email attempts to mess with my head. 'I cannot change my mind about this. I cannot be with someone who enjoys inflicting pain on me. He cannot use cars and possessions to bribe me into the red room of pain lifestyle. He cannot use cars and possessions to assuage his guilt for not spending time with me. He may not do romance…but I don't do sadist. I cannot be with someone who will not take the chance of loving me or wanting more with me. He cannot use cars and possessions as an apology because he doesn't want to engage in a social relationship. I am not for sale.'

I put the minutes and agenda on Jack's desk after I keep a copy for the procedure manual. I access Amber's form for minutes and the procedures. I save these files on the flash drive with the other procedures from Amber. I pick a manuscript due to age out today and begin reading.

'I will not check personal emails. I will not think about Christian. I will not compare this morning's grey sky to his eyes. I will not have a Christian Grey induced meltdown at work.' I am saved from wallowing in my misery at break time when Amber and Claire join me. I'm glad to talk to someone other than myself. My SIP coworkers have a standing rule…they don't talk about work at break time. Claire talks about a new man she met. Amber talks about the new summer swimwear she bought. I explain my roommates are in Barbados and getting tans to make them the envy of the universe. Back at my desk, I slip a manuscript into my tote. I complete all my manuscript tasks after last break.

Jack sits on my desk at the end of the day, invading my personal space. He invites me for a celebratory drink. I refuse, citing an after-work appointment. He lays the Seattle Times picture of Christian and me from the WSUV graduation on my desk. "Got a date with the boyfriend," he tries to sound casual.

"The picture is more intriguing than the truth. My roommate, Katherine Kavanagh of Kavanagh Media, was the editor of the college newspaper. She was also valedictorian of our graduating class. She arranged to interview Mr. Grey for the special graduation issue of the student newspaper, but became ill. I interviewed him; she wrote the article; he spoke at graduation. Our picture was taken when he spoke with Kate and her family. The photographer cropped the picture to make it more salacious." I prevaricate. "I didn't even merit having my name in the caption. Feel free to keep the picture if you like. I understand this is an excellent picture of Mr. Grey; he is almost smiling for once." I shut down the computer, gather my purse and tote and head for the elevator. 'I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve. My pain is not for public consumption. Christian's life might be controlled by paparazzi, but mine will not be.'

Once home and changed for the night, I accessed my personal emails. The driving service has been hired to transport three vehicles from a car lot in Seattle to Portland on the date which I listed. I will ride to Portland with the company owner who will transport his three drivers back to Seattle. He offers me an excellent rate, since he is already contracted to go to Portland. He sends a scan of his picture, driver's license (pertinent information redacted), insurance cards and business license. I confirm I will meet him at five-thirty at SIP. I send his scans to my phone and delete the email. I delete a dozen junk emails, blocking addresses and adding to the spam list.

I separate the beef fajitas into meals and tuck them into the freezer. I prep tomorrow's crockpot of barbeque pulled pork and slide the insert into the refrigerator. I eat. I load the dishwasher. I finish filling Kate's winter clothes crates. They will remain in Kate's room until she moves them to storage or her parents. I soak in a hot bath with the lavender bubble bath I bought. I refuse to think about the bath Christian and I took my first morning at Escala. The bruises are starting to fade. However, I wish they would take my heartache with them when they are gone.

I take the manuscript to bed with me. Reading manuscripts in my down time gives me something to do other than concentrate on how I will not think about Christian…or his grey eyes which change colors so fast…or his moods which change so fast…or how we headed into a sexual relationship too fast. I would like to be the intern who critiques and catalogues the backlog of unsolicited manuscripts. I don't know when…

'I'm going to shower. Unless you'd like to shower first?' Christian said. I'm suddenly wide awake from a dream which relived our first morning at the Heathman. I try not to think about him tracing my cheek with his thumb and then stroking my bottom lip our first morning at the Heathman.

I refuse to lay here and cry about him. I make a cup of chamomile tea and toast an English muffin. I reach for the manuscript and finish reading the chapter which put me to sleep. I make notes about the manuscript and put my dishes in the dishwasher. I return to my room, dialing down the brightness on my alarm clock. When I start making lists of things to do, my bored brain shuts down and lets me sleep.

Wednesday, June 8 – CPOV

'It is there…the look…her mask slips. She loves me. The elevator door closes and she goes away. But it's not Anastasia leaving me…Mommy is cold and doesn't talk or move. The police grab me…like he does …and they pull me away from Mommy like he does. Instead of being beaten, thrown on my bed, and told not to make a sound or I'd be beaten worse…I'm shoved into a car and taken to a place that smells. I'm small and scared and mute; the smell of disinfectant and blood clouds my nostrils.'

I woke up screaming…fighting the bed linens before I realize no one was in the room with me. I tell myself I am all right a few times before I truly believe it. I feel like I'm drowning in the darkness. I trembled as I reached for the bedside lamp. The memory of the antiseptic smell is so vivid! The nightmares returned when Anastasia left me. There was something special about her. She could keep the darkness away from me just by her presence. I must win her back. I need Anastasia. I cannot think clearly or breathe properly without her. I need a hot shower to rinse the cold sweats off. While I shower, I decide to go for a run past Anastasia's condo.

XXX – 3PPOV

Leila faded into the darkness of Sir's walk-in closet. What did she do to wake him? She smelled the clean bandages on her wrist. Perhaps the antiseptic smell affected him. She didn't wear her favorite citrus perfume. When he went to the bathroom, she carefully avoided the CCTV cameras and slipped into the laundry room. When she knew he was gone, she could take the staff or freight elevator to the parking level and slip away.

XXX – CPOV

I feel tortured by the possibility of seeing Anastasia, versus the possibility I won't. However, my feet run toward her condo. As I near her street, my heart races, my anxiety escalates. I'm not desperate to see her; I just care about her safety. Katherine is out of the country. Anastasia is alone in the condo, alone in a new city. I am alone. We would be together, but I am a monster and my beautiful, brave girl could not let herself be destroyed.

I run past the condo and pause at the bus stop to catch my breath. The curtains of one room are closed, the others are open. Perhaps Anastasia is still asleep. I remember how soft and warm she is when she awakes. I remember how difficult she was to wake the morning we went gliding. It takes all my self-control to not pound on her front door to check she's safe and alone.

'Step away, Grey. You brought this on yourself. Let her go, she's not for you.' My heart explodes with fury and desire. 'I want her. The issue is – do I want her because I feel she's a challenge? Do I really want her with her quick wit and smart mouth or because she chases away the darkness of my soul?'

Ryan texts Taylor; he's headed to Anastasia's condo. Someone recognized me while I was running and announced my presence on Twitter. Taylor warns me and we turn toward Escala. By tracking my phone, Ryan can pick us up at the soonest possible moment.

XXX – APOV

Morning is filled with fetching coffee for Jack. I'm glad to have worn pants again, and comfortable penny loafers because I've been on my feet all day. I set the alarm on my computer to remind me to make coffee at the top of every hour. I'm so tired of almost empty pots, I could scream. 'Doesn't anyone in this place make coffee? Lazy buttheads! Breathe… make yourself laugh because angry or aggravated will not do on your third day at work.'

I print and mail a few dozen author letters. Comments Jack made in some of the letters remind me to find the manuscript and read it. Copies are made and sit in my file basket. Jack returns Amber's minutes, expressing disappointment I didn't word process the minutes as he asked. I explained I asked Amber for the template. She explained word processing, distributing and filing the minutes are her task as senior editorial assistant. While Amber appreciated my offer to share my notes with her…she has handled this task for five years. Her tasks fall to Emily if she is absent. Jack explains my word processing the minutes comes under the heading other duties as assigned. Suddenly I have to take deep breaths because I feel light headed. I hold my hands in my lap under the desk, fisting them and flinging them wide open. I have to check my work performance standards. How will not completing this task affect my employee evaluation?

Jack leaves early for lunch with an author. I cross the street to Fifty's Sports Bar and sit in their outdoor courtyard. I need some sun while I eat lunch. I set the alarm on my phone so I am not late returning to work. 'I will not laugh about the name of the sports bar and the characteristics of Christian Grey. I will not think about Christian. I will not think about Christian. I will not think about Christian.'

After Jack returns from a working lunch, I am subjected to an afternoon of him bellowing for coffee at the top of every hour. He attempts to offset the alcohol he imbibed at lunch. I can't move about much; his bloodshot gaze targets my breasts since my ass and legs are covered in black pinstripe dress pants. Today's black cotton sweater doesn't cling, but it does show off the decent-sized breasts I inherited from Mom. This is so inappropriate! I hope I'm not subjected to his leering daily. Kate and I have a Skype session set for tonight. I will ask for suggestions on how to handle Jack.

I dealt with prejudiced jerks at Clayton's Hardware who thought a little slip of a girl like me would not know the difference between nails, screws, woods, tools, etc. I experienced my first sexual harassment at Clayton's Hardware. Men wanted to know where to find a long screw. I know Clayton's Hardware was not a job Mom wanted for me, but I worked there for four years. The Claytons were good employers and I liked them. They worked around my class schedule and paid better than minimum wage. I appreciated them.

Jack suggests I give him a ride home; since he shouldn't drive. I apologize I am not available to do him a favor. I have a task to complete for my father. I offer to call a cab or find him a driver. Jack announces Elizabeth will give him a ride. The way he says ride is slimy and disgusting. While Jack takes a break away from his desk, I slip a manuscript into my tote bag for evening reading. Friday is the ninety-day expiration date. I don't guarantee my synopsis will save the manuscript from the archives. However, I feel honor-bound to give the writer a shot at their dream.

I drive to the nearest home improvement store for information about tank-less hot water heaters. I email pictures of patio furniture layouts to Kate. I need something to deflect questions about Christian. I pick paint swatches for my bedroom. I choose a yellow paint color called Sundance. I choose a pretty blue, called Caribbean Mist, for the alcove and wall. I hope Dad has time to paint my bedroom while he is here. I select three sets of purple paint swatches for Kate. I will scan and send them to her tonight. I don't linger; the light jazz music playing in the background bothers me. I think jazz music sounds like people arguing with one another, which jars my nerves.

I visit the Central Branch of the Seattle Library. I want to get my library card. I can borrow books and e-copies of books when I get an e-reader. I can borrow oil paintings, music or movies also. Plus, I can borrow a museum pass which allows me to visit a dozen Seattle museums for free. I wander through the library. There is no music in the background to bother me. I don't check materials out this time, but I pick up a flyer for the Friends of the Library book sale. Hardback books are $1, paperbacks are four for $1. They will sell music and movies also.

I have something to do on a future Saturday to keep me busy. I am reminded of the list of no-spend weekends Mom and I had after she left Dad. We made picnics and attended free concerts and events. We camped in the living room, watched borrowed DVDs, and made homemade pizza. We picked up soda cans to recycle on our walks. When we saved up $20, we went to a $1 store. Mom taught me to make cheap spa products for a spa night. I have no-spend weekends when I go home to Montesano. Dad's not consumer oriented like Mom.

I shop at Pike Place Market. The soup vendor has ratatouille and spicy black bean soup. I taste both and buy a dozen servings of each to help feed Dad's freezer and ours. I buy a cheesy breadsticks to fill Dad and our freezer. Scallops and jumbo shelled shrimp are on sale. I buy two pounds of each with fresh garlic and fresh ginger to make garlic and ginger scallops and shrimp to feed our freezers. 'I won't think about pasta ala vongole…and Christian Grey.'

I drop my change at Rachel the Pig and rub her snout for good luck. I love this time of day…when the world quiets and the sky displays the last of its beauty for the day. I head for home.

Kate is Skyping me tonight. While waiting for Kate's Skype, I research sites for a good, used car I can afford. I inform my insurance company I sold Wanda, but Taylor already informed them. They will credit my balance toward insuring a new vehicle. An online insurance estimator tells me how much I might need to pay for insurance for a year.

When I check DMV online, Taylor returned Wanda's plates. There is a credit toward my registration for the next vehicle. I go to the online calculator and estimate how much registration will cost for a year. As long as I buy a car this month, I can maintain my yearly plan of paying for registration and insurance plus upkeep on my car from my federal income tax refund.

XXX – CPOV

Mrs. Jones made an excellent chicken pot pie and green salad which I ate while reading spreadsheets and financial reports. I drank ice water. I stay away from alcohol to control my thoughts. I consider Lucas Woods. I listened to Ros, but I don't believe leaving him at the helm of his company is good for the company or his employees. If Woods is terminated, GEH can asset strip the company, selling the deadwood. We'll move the fiber optics technology division, merging it into our own technology sectors located in a manufacturing complex here in Seattle. We can maintain as many positions as possible, except Woods' position. GEH paid him to disappear. I wish he would take the hint. He keeps popping up to stir the pot and give GEH grief. We'll empty the building, hiring Grey Construction to renovate the empty building into offices or a small manufacturing plant, whatever Elliot suggests. I think about the SIP building also. Elliot will need to renovate it. Perhaps I should just sell the two buildings to Grey Construction and let Elliot add them to his property list. The last thing I need right now is to monitor two empty buildings.

Elliot calls because he is at loose ends. Katherine is Skyping with Anastasia. Elliot relates some of the contents of the Skype which he can overhear. Anastasia's boss got tipsy at lunch and leered at her all afternoon. Katherine recommends Anastasia wear slacks and an oversized shirt or sweater to work on Wednesdays if her boss continues to drink his lunch on those days. She recommends Anastasia have a standing appointment on Wednesday evenings to prevent her from providing transportation for him. Perhaps a gym class, a dance class, or Skyping her mother. I'm pissed, but I can't say anything to Elliot. I can't have him repeat my comments to Katherine who would repeat them to Anastasia. When Elliot asks what I think, I breathe calmly. This is Anastasia's first week at a new job; she should vent.

While Elliot seems confused by my answer, Flynn would be proud of my response. Well, Flynn might be proud if I don't reveal I stabbed my letter opener into a pile of newspapers on the edge of my desk. I want to kick Anastasia's boss's ass. Maybe I'd feel better if I beat the fuck out of something. I email Bastille and ask about buying and installing a kickboxing dummy in the Grey House gym, and my Escala, New York and Aspen gyms.