Wounds to Bind Chapter 9 – 'She wasn't sure if he was a devil in heaven or a fallen angel in hell. He was beautiful.' – Aubrey Cara, Taming Kat
Sunday, June 19 after Coping Together – 3PPOV
******** Seattle Nooz ********
Where do we start with praise for the Coping Together charity event held at the Bellevue home of Carrick and Grace Grey? All the beautiful people were there…except Elate (Elliot Grey and Kate Kavanagh) …who are still vacationing in Barbados! Mia Grey wore a fabulous pink froth created by Alexander McQueen. Christian Grey was present until the dancing started. Then it is rumored he took off to dance with figures and finances at GEH. Pictures of Gorgeous Grey can be found on our website.
Seattle Nooz wonders how much money Coping Together would raise if they auctioned off dances with Christian Grey?
******** Seattle Nooz *******
Jack lit the article on fire. He enjoyed watching the flames devour it. He enjoyed watching the ashes fly away. He purchased pictures from Coping Together's website. After printing them, he added messages and placed them in envelopes. He intended to drop the envelopes off early Monday morning when he wouldn't be seen. He saved copies of the pictures and articles from Coping Together to a file on a flash drive.
XXX – CPOV
"Boss, you hungry?" Taylor started a pot of coffee. "Ham and cheese omelets, whole grain toast, and sliced tomatoes. There are croissants with apricot jam if you don't want toast."
"Toast is fine," I joined him at the breakfast bar.
"Newspapers are here, I'm surprised PR hasn't overloaded your cell with messages." Taylor laid the Seattle Times, LA Times and New York Times on the breakfast bar.
"They probably did. My phone is on the charger in the home office." I shrugged.
"Let your phone sit on the charger," Taylor yawned. "Senator Blandino's press people want your approval to release the picture of Olivia standing next to you on the entry carpet at Coping Together."
"We weren't standing next to each other. Olivia photo bombed me. She rushed toward me, hoping we appeared together when the picture was taken. She was at least two feet behind me, not next to me when my arrival picture was taken." I argued.
"Senator Blandino's interpretation is different." Taylor advised. "He thinks she's standing back, not wanting to be outed as being there with you. PR notified me; Blandino's press people plan to release that spin on the picture."
"Senator Blandino is blind where his daughter is concerned," I frowned. "He's delusional if he expects me to court her."
"Put Olivia out of your misery," Taylor advised again. "Let her go mess up files in daddy's office. Let her go spill coffee on daddy's constituents. Let her mess up petty appointments in daddy's schedule by daydreaming."
"I can't. Andrea swears Olivia works hard and is very conscientious about her job. She can't formulate a complete sentence when I'm in the room. I repeat lunch orders twice. I've yet to receive a proper cup of coffee when she's on coffee duty. I'm tempted to send her to barista school." I threaten.
"On that note," Taylor handed me a mug of coffee and his cell phone.
I called Sam, my head of Communications and PR. "Sam, this is Grey. I'm using Taylor's phone right now. I need a favor, a huge favor. Do you have any decent shots of me with my family at Coping Together? Email them to Taylor. I'll pick one and let you know. I want it up on the Grey House website within the hour. The caption will read 'Christian Grey attends Coping Together fundraiser with his family.' Send the comment and picture to every friendly media outlet we know. If any media outlet hints I attended with Olivia Blandino, ensure they know I arrived alone and departed alone. Explain I will sue their fucking asses if they hint I was on a date with an employee." I checked the pictures Sam emailed to Taylor's phone. "Use picture three, the seating order left to right is Theodore and Frances Trevelyan, me, Mia and Carrick Grey. Thanks Sam."
"What's planned for the day?" Taylor slid my breakfast in front of me. "I don't have Sophie today. Her mother took her to San Diego to see her grandparents. Sophie will Skype me at six tonight. I will have Sophie the whole week of July Fourth in exchange."
"First stop is Vertigo where I buy a year's membership for Dad and Grandpa Theo. I have a meeting with Eamon Kavanagh at the Kavanagh Media office. I need to see or talk with Flynn. Then we can deliver gifts to Grey Manor. Mia's coordinating a barbeque lunch for Dad and Grandpa Theo. Mom expects help deconstructing the Coping Together event. When we finish helping Mom, I thought we could swim until almost dusk. Then we'll get some gourmet burgers, some beers and watch the game."
"Can do," Taylor wondered if he could get Dr. T. to give him a mickey to put in Grey's first beer. The man needed sleep. He toyed with his breakfast while setting a morning appointment with Dr. Flynn.
XXX – CPOV
I met Eamon Kavanagh for coffee this morning and was duly impressed. Kavanagh knows his industry, that's for sure. His preliminary checks on SIP's financials included comparisons with the three other publishing companies in the area. His M&A people formulated a possible bottom line to offer Jerald Roach for his company. Because publishing is not as lucrative as in the past, SIP would flourish with effective reorganization and emphasis on e-books. Kavanagh delineated where he would replace, eliminate or consolidate staff. Kavanagh was appalled to see the hourly wage and benefits paid to the support staff versus the bloated wages of upper management. No wonder he predicted financial freefall before FY2013.
I am appalled to see the minimal wages and benefits offered to SIP support staff. This is what Anastasia wants? Granted, her wages are not a notch above minimum wage like at Clayton's Hardware, but I don't see advancement potential at SIP. She would be better off working at Grey House. I pay my interns better, provide better benefits and promote the best of the best.
I am grateful for Kavanagh's paperwork which facilitates Grey House's acquisition of SIP. Before I leave with Kavanagh's paperwork, I wrangle an agreement from him to keep my interest in SIP quiet. In exchange, one of his photographers will be invited for exclusive pictures when we have a Grey Publishing grand opening.
XXX – 3PPOV
"Well?" Celeste quizzed Eamon.
"Done, Grey took our paperwork for SIP. I know he's interested, and not just for Ana's sake. We must keep our fingers crossed." Eamon kissed Celeste's cheek.
"You think he'll discover her asshole boss's problem?" Celeste stressed.
"He has people who are experts at background checks. If Kate worked for me, I'd give her carte blanche to start with Jack Hyde's birth and expose every dirty little secret that fucker has."
"We're doing this to protect Ethan too, right?" Celeste wasn't ready to walk away from the topic.
"Ethan's fond of Ana. We're fond of Ana. She's like a daughter to us. However, she doesn't love Ethan; she's in love with Christian Grey. Ethan's at loose ends right now because classes haven't started. We need a backup plan," Eamon agreed.
"Perhaps we should convince Ethan to register for a couple online classes this summer to ease him back into educational life. If the online college diversion does not work – I'll tell him I need help inventorying and organizing the shop. If my interference doesn't work…you need to intervene." Celeste warned.
"He can work with me. After a summer of writing press releases or sound bites for the podcast launch, he'll run back to UDub in the fall. Once he's putting in sixty hours for classes and studies, with an additional twenty hours of practicum, he won't have time for romance." Eamon predicted.
"What if we're wrong?" Celeste fretted.
"If there was something between Ana and Ethan, he wouldn't have taken time off after college to see the world. We love Ana, but she's not meant for Ethan, and he's not meant for her. We must accept that." Eamon soothed her.
"Do you think she's intended for Christian Grey? I think he's awfully cold." Celeste muttered. "I hoped he would throw her over his shoulder and disappear with her last night, but he managed to control himself."
"He's certainly a different shade of Grey from Elliot, isn't he?" Eamon laughed. "I'm proud of Ana refusing to participate in the First Dance Auction. Although…I'm dying to know what she said to him in the text which made him laugh. I don't ever remember seeing Grey laugh before. The picture of him laughing with Dr. Flynn is exceedingly popular on the Coping Together website today."
"I'll mention the text to Kate; maybe Elliot can find out from Grey," Celeste offered.
"Did I ever tell you how much I appreciate your…" Eamon paused for a minute…seeking the right word.
"Undercover efforts?" Celeste hinted. "Speaking of which…"
"Meet you upstairs; I'll bring the wine," Eamon grinned.
XXX – CPOV
Oh, bloody hell. While I'm in the elevator on the way to Flynn's office, I'm serenaded by Al Green, How Do You Mend A Broken Heart:
I can think of younger days when living for my life
was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow,
but I was never told about the sorrow.
And how can you mend a broken heart?
I just want to bash myself brainless on the elevator walls.
"Good morning, Grey," Flynn shook my hand. "Are we tackling issues alphabetically or chronologically?"
I stared at him, not understanding the question.
"Meaning are we talking Anastasia first or events which occurred this week? Will this be a short conversation?" Flynn was not happy to give me an hour on Father's Day.
"If I had realized today's topics would be so painful, I would have added a hangover into the mix, except I don't like losing control." I deadpanned.
"Ah, the great control issue…how's that working for you?" Flynn grinned.
I stare out the window of Flynn's office. "I researched Traumatic Touch Therapy like you suggested. My staff are vetting the therapists you recommended."
"How do you feel about that?" Flynn set his tablet aside for a minute.
"I can stop at any time and restart at any time?" I hesitated.
"If you plan to tell Miss Steele you are in therapy and then quit once she returns to you – I do not recommend that course of action." Flynn stressed.
"I'm concerned about business trips. I will endeavor to keep them through the week and have weekends for TTT." I explain.
"Acceptable, if weekends include quality time with your family." Flynn countered. "Any issues you feel like sharing?"
"I had a weird dream last night. I lost a green toy car under the couch at our apartment when I was young. In my dream, I was in my green toy car and I got lost under the couch. My mother didn't know where to find me." I shrugged.
"How would you interpret the dream?" Flynn asked.
"I felt invisible in Ella's life? I'm lost? I've been lost since I was a child? Cars are associated with power and ego – the little red sports car and aging men. Maybe life is passing me by. Maybe I don't know the direction I'm headed. Maybe I don't know when I will arrive." I shrugged. "Maybe my dream was empathy. Anastasia felt she lost her power and her voice when I bought her the Audi A3. I would do it again because her VW was an accident waiting to happen. I could not have lived with myself if she had been hurt." I stated.
"Sound like a beginning analysis," Flynn commented. "What else is happening?"
We talk about efforts to find Leila. I tell Flynn about Sawyer spotting Leila following Anastasia and her father. When Flynn asks how I feel about that, I remind him Anastasia's email ordered me not to assign security to her. I explain I'm following his directives to not quiz Elliot about Anastasia. I complain I'm being driven to the brink of insanity between Anastasia's absence and Flynn's questions.
Flynn laughs.
I am not amused.
XXX – TPOV
While I'm waiting for the Boss, Welch sends an update on the mysterious Tom Cruise wannabe picture from Miss Steele's email. His sister works at the deli close to SIP. He'll be in the vicinity of Miss Steele from time to time. Kudos to her driver for recognizing he was a creeper.
Gail sends me a sext, telling me how much she misses me. She's visiting her sister in Eugene this weekend. She hints there is a surprise for me in the refrigerator in the staff quarters. She marked the container 'sauerkraut' so the other security staff won't touch it. I hope she left one of her apple pies, or some of her chocolate cake, or some of her mocha frosted triple chocolate brownies. If I can't be with Gail, I want my sugar via her homemade treats.
XXX – APOV
I'm working with a huge stack of boxes in Kate's closet when Ethan finds me. "Today is a beautiful day," he scolded me. "Why are you wasting such a perfect day in Kate's closet?"
"You know what they say about idle hands. I gave Dad his presents early and called him when I woke up this morning. He's attending the Father's Day event with José Senior at Fort Townsend. Barbeque, cake walk, hot air balloon rides, etc. How did Eamon like his Father's Day presents?" I open another box of Kate's clothes to hang.
"Oh god," Ethan explained about lunch with his parents, grandparents and the briefcase loaded with goodies he and Kate arranged for his dad. "I don't know which one he liked best, the cigars or the Hennessey cognac, but we tortured him with a double layer of tie boxes first. Kate found a dozen raw silk ties in various shades of brown." Ethan eyed my industriousness, and then spoke. "The counselor is in. Call me Lucy and pay me a nickel. Do you want talk about Christian Grey and last night?"
"I just need some breakup advice. I have a roll of nickels. I will pay you one for each piece of good advice you offer me." I hang a load of clothes on hangers on one of the rods in Kate's closet. "I'm just emptying the boxes onto the rods. Kate will sort the way she likes."
"My breakup advice has two main themes: wine and laughter." Ethan handed me a glass of wine. "Okay, here's piece of advice number one – no Facebook or social media stalking. No calling his phone to hear his voice mail. No driving by his home. No driving by his office. No pumping his family for information about him. No setting Google alerts for current trending tidbits about Christian Grey. No clipping every article you read about him and pasting it on a bulletin board or wallpapering your room with them. Police and psychiatrists use criminal stalking label when you follow, call, write, etc." Ethan held up threw the Sunday newspaper he found on the kitchen table and it on an empty closet shelf. "Do not listen to your mother when she nags at you to track Christian's movements via Elliot and Kate. She may not have suggested it yet, but she will."
"Christian doesn't participate in social media. Still, I appreciate the good advice because I don't have a social media page for him to stalk. Also, I don't tweet or Google alert." I set my wine glass on the closet shelf and grab another handful of clothes on hangers. I have no intention of stalking him…I wish I could believe he won't stalk me.
"Number two – if you have anything he gave you – return or donate the item to charity." Ethan counseled.
"Done – except I have an outfit his driver bought me the first night we slept together." I shrugged. When Ethan gave me a funny look, I explained about drunk night with Kate where I slept with Christian at the Heathman and Kate and Elliot spent the night at our apartment. "Tomorrow I will donate the clothes to charity." I grab another handful of clothes.
"Three – lots of women's magazines claim smell can trigger powerful memories. Wash the pillow which smells like him. Give away the shirt which smells like him. Don't buy his brand of cologne or body wash." Ethan counseled.
"Is that why beer is such a trigger for me?" I hang another handful of clothes.
Ethan nodded.
"I bought new bed and bath linens. The quilt on my bed is from Mom. He never spent the night here, so I don't have memories of him haunting the place." I throw the empty box on the pile of empty boxes. I will not think about the nice night when I was tied to my bed, blindfolded, the one hot swat on my ass…
"Four – no body modifications like tattoos or breast implants or extreme haircuts or colors." Ethan suggested.
"Doesn't intrigue me in the least," I laughed. "I had a shape and trim at the salon yesterday, so I'm good for a while."
Ethan opens another box and moves it into place for me to work. "Cry if you are feeling pain and grief. Cry if you are feeling anger. Don't be afraid to cry."
"I'm afraid if I start crying, I won't stop." I don't look at Ethan. He doesn't need to see unshed tears. I separate blouses to hang on the upper dual rod with skirts and pants on the lower rod. Rearranging her closet will be easier with Kate's clothes hanging on rods.
"You will, the body is not made to cry without cessation," Ethan opened the remaining boxes. Then he started breaking down empty boxes and folding them flat for storage. "Laugh at least once a day. Find a joke website if you can't find something to laugh about. Surf the net for funny animal videos or laughing baby videos."
"I think a lot of things are funny which weren't funny before," I muttered.
"Exercise regularly, sleep peacefully and eat properly. If you allow yourself to become depressed, you will struggle to fight off illness." Ethan sips his wine. I follow suit.
"Mental illness becoming physical illness?" I suggested. He nodded.
"Go out with girlfriends. Have fun. Laugh. Dance. I know you keep busy…you've never been one to binge watch TV. Keep busy but don't overschedule your days because then you will be too tired to combat depression. Don't fall into the retail therapy trap. You'll get into debt and then will be depressed because of your financial status." Ethan advised.
"Whoops! I have done massive shopping lately. Car, clothes, computers, household items." I hand an empty a box to Ethan.
"Were you shopping to feel better or shopping to replace needed items?" Ethan burst the box, adding it to the pile and setting a full box on top to keep them flat.
"Shopping to replace threadbare bed and bath linens. Perhaps I was too busy during college to notice they needed to be replaced. When we moved in here, I paid more attention to their state. I replaced clothes your fashionista sister weeded out of my wardrobe. I purchased a car, laptop and phone replace the ones which I left at Escala. I purchased a printer which I didn't have but wanted. I bought Dad a Father's Day gift of computer, printer and phone. He can use the receipts for his business taxes." I sip my wine.
"First off, real men know you do not buy items for a lady with the expectation of getting laid. Real men know if a girl talks to you, she may not want to date or be involved with you. I have no use for men who manipulate women in order to use them for sex. As Mom would say: If the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it." Ethan shrugged. "Maybe some guys use physical pleasures to avoid dealing with emotions. They float from woman to woman. A lot of people want Christian for the face, the social standing and/or the money. He probably doesn't know how to deal with a girl who only wants his heart."
" Christian wasn't offering me his heart," I wanted to punch something…preferably Christian. "He offered a car, electronics and clothes in lieu of dating and having a normal boy-girl relationship. I returned all his gifts, which is why I bought my own."
"Did you put yourself in debt to purchase replacements?" Ethan asked.
"No, Christian was appalled about Wanda. He worried for my safety. He insisted on giving me an Audi A3 as a graduation gift. He arranged for Taylor to sell Wanda. When I broke up with him, I left him the Audi, and insisted he give me the money for Wanda's sale. I'm sure he gave me two to four times what Wanda was worth. However, what he gave me was the top end of the prices I saw on the web, so I had no basis to call him out for overpaying. This current shopping spree is courtesy of Wanda. However, I'm done shopping for a while. I don't like shopping. I'd rather read." I stubbornly insist.
"Don't fall into bed with someone because you need physical contact. Don't jump into bed with anyone to satisfy your emotional and physical needs. Don't get drunk and fall into bed with someone. If you are impaired, you might not protect against diseases, pregnancy, abuse, etc." Ethan sipped his wine and continued to fold empty boxes. "Not to be gross, but indiscriminate sex is like ripping the scab off a wound over and over. You never heal from the original injury and hurt yourself over and over. Bind your wounds; gird your loins; move forward."
"I'm not falling into bed with anyone for a long time." I keep my back to him, facing the rod, hanging clothes. I don't want my feelings about Christian to show on my face. I want sex with someone I love. Not sex for fun to pass the time. Not sex to distract you from real conversations. Not sex with rules, furniture and toys. How does it feel to have someone hold you in their arms like you are the only creature in the world who can take them to heaven?
"Meditate – don't medicate. Anything done in excess is not good for you – booze, retail therapy, chocolate, exercise, overscheduling your day, lounging around in hideous neon pink bunny pajamas." Ethan made a face and we both laugh.
"Not in my plans, however, you offered good advice so you earned your nickel. I think we should find those pink pajamas and burn them." I suggest.
"We can't have a pajama burning party until we see where the Elate relationship is headed." Ethan finishes breaking down boxes, so he helps hang clothes on rods.
I laughed. "Tell me more, Lucy."
"Don't live in your mind – and the only example I offer is the Twilight movie where Edward leaves and Bella is shown sitting in her rocking chair by the window for months. Trust your feelings, trust your instincts. First loves rarely work out. You must trust you will love again." Ethan consoled. "I've been there, done that. I begged her parents to urge her to give me a second chance. I was really depressed when her parents liked me more than she did. Life gets really ugly when you wallow."
"Make a deal with you. When we get Kate's closet semi-straightened, let's eat good Oriental food and play chopstick swords across the table with each other. Food, companionship and a laugh all in one." I offered.
"Deal!" Ethan agreed. "Let's go to Wild Ginger at the Bravern Center."
"Bravern Center? Shopping mall? Pass," I shook my head. "Let's walk over to Pike Place Market. There are a couple of oriental restaurants in the area. Plus, I can shop the fish market."
"One more piece of advice. Ana. Broken hearts are like haunted houses – scary, gloomy and dark – but you must go through it to get out of it."
XXX – CPOV
I'm eating dinner when I get my nightly report on Anastasia's activities. She walked to an oriental restaurant near Pike Place Market with Ethan. There are two pictures of them talking while walking and talking while eating. They shopped at Pike Place Fish. They shopped for fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer's Market. They stopped at the BLMF Bookstore. Both of them exited with a tote of books. While Ethan shopped the coffee store, Ana shopped the crafts store. She purchased an oversized quilted navy-blue tote, and lavender bath items and candles.
Striker sent the scant information he has on Hyde's background – where he lived, worked, and how long he had been at SIP. He provided the name of the Boston publishing firm where Hyde worked before SIP, and two addresses in Boston where he lived. Striker reports the next research will center on Hyde's life at Princeton. Fuck, I don't have a report on Hyde from Welch or Taylor yet.
I sigh and reach for the reports M&A left on my desk Friday. Potential site information for the plant in Detroit – I start a not reading right now pile. Potential site information for plant location in Savannah – not reading right now either. Update report on Lucas Woods – yeah, I can handle that. He is in the wind, off having a whirlwind vacation paid for by GEH. We'll start dismantling his company come Monday morning. Asshole. His people deserve better. Elliot is home in a week. I'll have him look at Woods' building and suggest options.
On the good side, I've started mergers and acquisitions research on two mobile telecommunications stations. They would be handy for national and international trips and in times of crisis. Grey House still has issues with the solar-powered tablet. Barney's report states our solar technology is stabilizing and our battery life is extended. Our wireless distribution network will provide internet to the remotest parts of the world. Eventually, internet will upgrade education and technology in third world countries.
XXX
Email from Elena to Christian:
Your little girl needs a lesson in manners. I'm surprised you did not teach her how her actions reflect on her Dom. Call me –that's an order. Come to dinner at my house tomorrow night. I have interesting dinner guests you should meet. They will take your mind off current events.
Email from me to Elena:
1. Speaking of manners...Exactly when did Anastasia exhibit bad manners? When you approached her at Coping Together and tried to recruit her for your stable? Sawyer told Taylor who made me leave rather than confront you. Your actions during dinner aggravated Grandma Frannie and caused Dad to ask why you are badgering Mom with questions about Anastasia.
2. Order or not…I don't discuss playroom business on the phone. As I explained at Coping Together, I am busy with M&A through the end of the fiscal year. I do not have time to socialize. I am not interested in interviewing potentials.
3. Careful where you tread...Stay away from Anastasia and cease the game of 20 Questions about her or you will not like my reaction. Approaching Anastasia while she's still under my care is inappropriate. Don't make me request a disciplinary hearing with the community. It would be foolish of you to vex me. Don't make me tell you again…
I blind email my reply to Flynn when I reply to Elena. I email Barney to erase or delete any emails between Elena Lincoln and myself. I'm glad he never reads them or asks impertinent questions regarding them. Taylor reminds me dinner has been delivered and the game is ready to start. I put everything aside.
XXX
'I've fallen in love with you Christian!' Anastasia said.
'I need someone who does not want more from me, no emotional attachment, no excessive expectations, just….' I protested.
'Just a fuck buddy?' She asked coldly. 'I'm not asking you to color my world with rainbows, hearts and flowers. I'm just telling you…you will never touch me that way again.'
Miserable dreams interrupted my sleep again. I wake up, covered in sweat and struggling to breathe. I must have fallen asleep during the game. Taylor covered me, letting me sleep on the couch in the media room. I shower and dress in sweats, formulating a plan. I take the key to the playroom, along with a large gym bag. I open the door and contrary to previous times I've entered, the smell of leather, wood and citrus is not calming. I observe the belts, whips and floggers. I stuff the gym bag full with my favorite flogger, the new riding crop and other mild BDSM toys. I keep all soft restraints and a set of thigh cuffs, the red rope from Clayton's, various blindfolds, a spreader bar, the silver balls, my favorite vibrator, clit butterfly, mini flogger, mini soft paddle, a wonderful collar with adjustable nipple clamps, a leather collar and harness with wrist restraints, body paints and various oils, Wartenburg wheels and more. If Anastasia comes back to me, she shouldn't run screaming or scared of the gym bag's contents. I head back down the stairs when Taylor exits the security office.
"Can I help you, Boss?" He eyes the large gym bag in my hands.
I feel guilty because it's one in the morning and I've disturbed his sleep. "I need a dozen gym bags to pack up the contents of the playroom."
"Let's pack up everything you want gone," Taylor's voice is resigned. He's been through the clear out of insertables after submissive contracts have ended.
"I want the furniture removed also. I decided to dismantle the room." I drop the filled gym bag on the floor of my bedroom and return to the main room. Taylor scrutinizes me, despite his poker face.
"I'll coordinate the dismantle. Boss. I will have Reynolds take you to work this morning. I will give Mrs. Jones an extensive grocery and errand list with orders for her to stay away from the condo for five hours. I will call Louis and Dominick at Locke and Keyes."
"Have them sign an NDA. Pay them in cash from the safe." I order.
"Will do; I have spare gym bags which can be replaced easily. Let's pack what we can." Taylor opened a closet in the security office revealing a dozen large gym bags. "We'll just ship the…"
"Toys," I explain.
"Toys out with the furniture. The room will be empty before you return to Escala tomorrow night." Taylor promised.
I head up to the playroom and Taylor follows behind with bags and two bottles of water. The water tastes good. I'm thirsty after the two beers we had with our burgers. Taylor and I pack everything from racks, hooks and drawers. The canes will not fit in gym bags. I can't place my discomfort. Maybe because I'm finally letting go of my security blanket, I feel like I can breathe. I never realized I was figuratively holding my breath about this lifestyle. I knew keeping the lifestyle quiet was essential. I had not realized how much I was bound and gagged. Flynn will love this self-revelation, but I'm too tired to email him right now. Taylor suggests I head back to bed and get some sleep before breakfast and the office. The filled gym bags are lined up at the end of the four-poster bed.