Wounds to Bind Chapter 19 – 'And yet to every bad there is a worse.'– Thomas Hardy
Saturday, August 27 –APOV
"Two weeks," Harley tapped the calendar on his phone. "The Burke Museum, ten o'clock?"
"I'll be in Montesano. I can meet you on Thursday, September eighth," I offer.
"The museum does not open at night. We can have dinner at Chaco Canyon, an organic café. I'm fond of their lentil burger and mojito cheesecake. We have proof Jack Hyde's stockbroker has been following the hints I've been emailing you." Harley quieted his voice.
"Jack has been hacking my work emails?" I confirmed.
"Not just yours. We received a search warrant to analyze Hyde and the stockbroker's emails and stock purchases. We can get into the stockbroker's emails. We're having trouble hacking Hyde's encrypted firewall. I can't access GP's system for proof, but his emails to his stockbroker praise him for quick purchases on short timelines. There have been two attempts to hack your personal emails, but the firewall I installed prevented the incursions. Just keep the firewall active and keep the audio blocker active so no one overhears our conversations. I'll email you on the eighth and remind you of our date. I'll research some stock tips to drop into your email." Harley paused. "Do you want to know about the other?"
I thought about it for a minute. "Yes." Part of me wanted to be wrong because I didn't want the Bitch Troll to continue to use Christian…but somehow, I knew I wasn't.
"Your instincts are correct. We traced stock purchases made shortly before Grey Enterprises Holdings completed acquisitions, starting in 2006 to July of this year. We had a small problem. The stock purchases were under the name Magdalena Lorenzo. We investigated and discovered Magdalena Lorenzo is Elena Lincoln's maiden name. She changed her name to Elena Loren in Texas just before she married Lawrence Lincoln. Elena Lincoln's stockbroker waited to see if her tips were correct. After the first six months she was a client, they started buying stock after filling her stock orders. They purchased enough shares to ensure a healthy profit for themselves without revealing their duplicity to Elena or Grey House. How did you know?"
"I've met the bitch. I think she overheard proprietary information when she dined at his family's home, or when she dined with Christian at one of the restaurants where he owns stock. I think she overhears information from committee members on her social charities circuit." I feel vindicated regarding her.
"Well, since we have enough proof, we're analyzing bank accounts for her and for her stockbroker." Harley revealed. "We found hints, but not proof, of an offshore bank account."
"You won't need me to testify, will you?" Testifying might cause a permanent break between Christian and me.
"Not for her as you didn't witness anything. Testifying against Jack Hyde is a possibility. You don't mind these working dates, do you?" Harley takes notes.
"No, not if it doesn't bother Shawn. Did you find information about the man in the picture?" I hadn't thought about him since our girls' sleepover.
"You will not be a happy camper," Harley predicted. "Ryan Reynolds…works as security for Grey Enterprises Holdings."
Shawn and Harley are speechless as I beat the hell out of a throw pillow while silently spelling swear words in military alphabet. Bravo-Alpha-Sierra-Tango-Alpha-Romeo-Delta! Delta-India-Charlie-Kilo-Hotel-Echo-Alpha-Delta! Whiskey-Hotel-Alpha-November-Kilo-Echo-Romeo! Papa-Romeo-India-Charlie-Kilo! Alpha-Sierra-Sierra-Hotel-Oscar-Lima-Echo!
"We should have a work-out date some time. We belong to a great gym and I'll make dinner after. You need the gym regularly to work off your angst." Shawn observed the barely intact pillow. "Hey…we need to celebrate your birthday."
"I'm in Georgia over Labor Day and in Montesano for my birthday. The Saturday after I'm target practicing in the morning and clubbing with Kate that night. I haven't gone clubbing with her in a while." I offered my schedule. "I don't have an excuse not to work out since Grey Annex has a gym. Maybe we could have one last glorious day swimming at Alki Beach?"
"Sounds like fun!" Harley grinned, taking notes in his cell calendar.
"I found four exercise outfits for you – all in blue. I bought a to-die-for navy wrap dress in winter weight jersey and a to-kill-for crimson red angora sweater and a pair of let-me-dance-on-your-heart black bow Michael Kors pumps with matching purse. I found three fit and flare dresses for you. One medium purple, one cobalt blue and one aqua. They will be perfect for spring and summer." Shawn preened. "I love these shopping dates while you are working. Tuesday, wear the black pencil skirt you own with the red sweater and the Michael Kors pumps and purse. Keep your hair down in big bouncy curls with sedate gold jewelry." Shawn handed over index cards with ensembles written on them.
"Thank you for keeping my roommate Kate from hauling me into stores. Our subterfuge is worth every penny you spend. Seriously, you'd make a fortune being a personal shopper. You've made my life easier. Kate thinks I'm finally learning those fashion tips she keeps throwing at me." I stow his bags in my car and pay my tab, tucking the receipt in my purse.
"All that shopping made me hungry!" Shawn announced. "Thank you for suggesting Wild Ginger. Harley and I promise to be good and not intrude on your girls' lunch."
XXX
"Grace," Elena air-kissed her cheeks. "Mia, Katherine, Anastasia. Someone celebrating something?" She viewed me with hostile eyes.
'Fuckety-fuckety-fuckety-fuck. Bravern Center, home
210 of Esclava, Bravern where Mrs. Robinson spends most of her time. Christ! Why didn't I research this better? Because you were trying to cover up meeting with Harley this morning instead of shopping with Kate,' my guilty conscious snarks.
"We've been shopping and decided to have lunch. Join us." Grace offered.
Elena looked around for a chair to put between Grace and me.
"Here," I stood and offered my chair. "I suddenly lost my appetite." Kate and Mia protest my leaving.
Elena seated herself and then glared at me when I didn't push in the chair like a good little servant. "Katherine and Anastasia…the two of you should come to Esclava. You should start a beauty regime now…especially freshening up your complexions. Your skin appears a little dull from Seattle's changing weather."
"Freshening up?" A voice behind me spoke. "Is that what they are calling Botox these days? Girlfriend," Shawn hugged me. Harley was behind him, eyes twinkling because Shawn's bitchy persona was fun to watch. "You look lovely, Ana. Harley and I are just leaving. I swear there's an underlying smell of wet dog in here. I don't blame you for leaving." He sniffed in the direction of Elena. The meaning of his words was not lost on Kate, who struggled to stifle her laughter. Shawn linked arms with me and pulled me toward the exit, yammering the entire time. "Oh girlfriend, that divine sundress accents your youthful figure and your English rose complexion. Not to mention those spectacular legs of yours! No wonder Gorgeous Grey is enamored with you!" He glanced back at Elena and then whispered. "She is so pissed off, but trying to hide her fury from your friends."
The guys fall in behind me. I exit Bravern Center without interference from anyone. I am on high alert…watching for those who watch me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to stop in the middle of the walkway," I turn and apologize to Harley and Shawn who walk behind me while holding hands. "Grey," I whisper.
"No problem, miss. I'm sure we're parked over here," He turns immediately and pulls Shawn into the next row of parked cars. I stand by the elevator and watch Christian approach. His eyes are on me and not on Harley and Shawn making a quick escape.
"Anastasia…Ana," Christian smiled broadly. "Imagine meeting you here."
"Really?" I walked to my car, observing one of Christian's black SUVs parked beside Lita. Is he tracking me? Did he find out what I'm driving from Grey Annex Security? "I don't want to talk here Christian. I don't want a video of us going viral. Let's just agree not to argue and go our separate ways."
"Text me." Christian ordered.
I unblocked him from my phone and sent him the text: "Who told you I was here? Are you following me?"
"Mia told me. I'm not having you followed," Christian texted back.
"Elena is at Wild Ginger. I'm sure that mangy cougar would be glad to have you for dessert. She ruined my appetite." Then I sent another text. "I know you are following me. Ryan dumped Claire."
"I came here to see you not Elena." Christian texted. "I am sorry you weren't safe when Sawyer escorted you to the powder room at Coping Together."
I sigh and observe Taylor who sat in the SUV watching our silent interaction.
I dropped my phone in my purse, retrieving my car keys and activating the portable audio jammer. No one will film this or overhear us. "Mr. Grey, you know I can't go to the police. You're Christian Grey; people stalk you. They won't believe you're stalking me. Please leave me alone and make Elena Lincoln leave me alone!"
"I'm trying…and I can't. I can't let you walk out of my life. I need you." Christian dropped his voice into that sex-on-legs range.
"You told me if I left, I would not have a second chance. Learn to live by your own rules…or grow up and learn to live like a normal person." I got into my car, locked the doors, fastened my seatbelt, started the car and squealed my tires as I left Christian standing there.
XXX – CPOV
"God damn it!" Using my burner phone. I called Striker. "What the hell happened with Elena and Anastasia?" I listened to his report, Anastasia went to Harley Harrison's home. The roommate left shortly after Anastasia arrived. She was alone with Harrison for three hours. She gave him a ride to the Bravern Center where they met the roommate who handed off two shopping bags to Anastasia.
The tracker followed them to Wild Ginger. Anastasia didn't realize she picked up Elena Lincoln as a tail when she walked past Esclava, Bravern. Striker repeated the conversation at the Grey ladies' table. Harrison and Stanton collected Anastasia inside Wild Ginger and were behind her when she stepped off the elevator. I never paid attention to them. I swore and threw the phone. Taylor just shook his head.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" I yelled before climbing into the SUV.
Taylor grabbed a plastic bag and retrieved smart phone parts. He slid back into the SUV. He sat quietly, holding the plastic bag of phone parts.
"Take me home. I have work to do. I need to call Ros." I reached in my pocket for my smart phone. Then I paused – I threw the burner phone. My smart phone is in my hand.
"First – I want to know who you have following Miss Steele. You just trashed a burner phone which is not the brand we use at Grey House." He threw the bag with the burner phone parts in my lap.
I hung my head. "Second Strike Investigations, I will give you their information. Ana knows several of my security staff. I can't chance her spotting my security staff following her. Second Strike…" I started to say.
"Has four dozen free-lance agents. You have four dozen strangers following Miss Steele. What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you were eliminating people with backdoor access to your life?" Taylor gave me the look – an all-encompassing you are an asshole look. I tried not to take his dismissal personally. I know he will research Second Strike Investigations and find them lacking somehow.
"I need to have her followed," I defended myself.
"You are taking chances you don't dare take – especially if you want Miss Steele to talk to you again. Did they install a CCTV in her condo?" Taylor seems aggravated with me.
"No!" I exclaimed. "I don't want any of those fuckers watching her dress or undress!"
"Perhaps there is hope for you after all," Taylor started the SUV. "When we get to Grey House, Welch and I are investigating Second Strike. Hiring an unknown entity without fully vetting them is against every security policy we've established for you, your family and Grey House. We can hire a rotating security staff to follow Miss Steele if you feel pissing her off is important. Is there anyone else we need to investigate?"
"Harley Harrison and Shawn Stanton. I want to know what they are doing in Anastasia's life." I snapped.
Taylor shook his head. "You realize deep background investigations are Welch's M.O. I seriously doubt Second Strike found anything we haven't found or couldn't find."
"Wait until you read one of their reports. You'll be surprised at the deep dirt they've found which Welch hasn't." I mutter.
XXX – APOV
I thought about visiting Dad, but I changed my mind. I went home after Wild Ginger, dressed for the range and went target practicing. I'm in a better frame of mind once I blew away a few targets which had the initials JH and EL on them. I shot her targets in the head and his targets in the groin…and felt so much better.
When I returned the locker key to the front desk, the desk clerk asked if JH was being a dick? He pointed out the CCTV feed of me blowing away the groin area of JH's targets. I just smiled and replied, "No, now he's a dickless wonder." The desk clerk groaned.
I stopped at my favorite stall in Pike Place Market and bought enough Asian Chicken Salad and Green Tea with Ginger to feed a dozen people. Tonight, I will catch up on my favorite BBC America shows, do my laundry and research fall/winter wardrobe capsules on Pinterest. I will research those sites Shawn recommended. I will Skype Mom tonight also; I can her the newest items for my wardrobe if our conversation falters. Tomorrow I will recharge my batteries by laying around in the sun, reading manuscripts, writing synopses, drinking iced tea and eating salad. I will just let the day drift by.
XXX – CPOV
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I snarled at Elena. She's standing in my great room, acting like she owns the fucking place when I arrive home from Grey House.
"I brought you a play toy, since you are too busy to return my phone calls or emails. You haven't had serious playtime since Susannah in March. You've never gone this long without a submissive." Elena gestured to the petite brunette who dropped her wrap dress. She stood in a submissive inspection pose – stark naked. "This is Ariana Wellman. I have her references, medical card and list of hard and soft limits. She is a well-trained submissive, two previous Doms, age 23, with experience in Shibari…"
"Put your clothes on!" I shouted at the girl. "Get Out. Get the fuck out!" I seethed. "Elliot's coming over in a few minutes to eat pizza, drink beer and watch the game with me. I don't want him to see you or her and ask questions. Taylor!"
Taylor's appearance interrupted Elena's protests.
"Taylor, please escort Mrs. Lincoln and her friend to the security office; close the door. Remove them using the staff elevator. Elliot just texted from the parking garage. I'll tell you when the coast is clear. Elena – you are not welcome here. Do not return without an express invitation from me." There is no mistaking the orders delivered in my Dom voice.
Taylor grabbed Lincoln and Wellman and pivoted toward the security office with them, closing the door. I heard the lock click firmly in place.
I went to the elevator to collect Elliot. "You're early – go take a look at the room, up the stairs and at the end of the hall. Can you get work crews in here within a week or two? The closets were ripped out of the room and need to be replaced. I want to expand the entrance to the ensuite – maybe frosted French doors? The room was used for storage so there's lots of wall and ceiling holes to be patched. I'd like to keep the hardwood floor if possible. The frosted outside windows need to be replaced with safety glass. I will join you in a minute."
Elliot headed upstairs to the old playroom. I go to the security office. Elena watched the exchange between Elliot and me on the CCTV screens. Her eyes would have widened in astonishment except Botox kept her face immobile. Her eyes flashed with anger.
"You're renovating the playroom?" Elena hissed at me. "Are you the previous owner of the glut of toys and play furniture for sale in the community right now?"
"My life is none of your business. I told you; I don't want another submissive. You may look at me Miss Wellman." She lifts her blue eyes to mine. Yeah, I knew Elena would present me with a blue-eyed brunette. Only this one has ice blue eyes, the color of an artic glacier – not the warm sky blue of Anastasia's eyes.
"Miss Wellman, before you depart, you will sign a nondisclosure agreement. Don't ever return to my home. Don't ever acknowledge me if you see me on the street. Don't ever announce you met me or were in my home. I hope you find who you are seeking, but I am not interested in a contract with you…now or in the future. You may want to rethink your association with Mrs. Lincoln – especially since she included you in this futile endeavor. Taylor, when Miss Wellman signs the NDA, remove these two women from Escala."
"Shut it!" Taylor advises Elena as I exit the security office. I head to the old playroom where Elliot snaps pictures and takes notes.
"Sorry, I'm early. Kate must attend a work thing which is not a plus-one event. Ethan is hanging with friends. Ana was Skyping with her mother about some clothes she bought. Thank you for the beer, pizza and game offer." Elliot measures the size of the playroom and the ensuite.
"How's that working out for you?" I almost laugh. I can't wait to tell Flynn I used his line.
"I like Kate, I like her a lot. She's fun, feisty, intelligent, independent and definitely the sexiest woman I have ever met. She sees through my bullshit and calls me on it." Elliot seems embarrassed. "How about you and Ana?"
"I like her, I like her a lot," I parrot Elliot's words back to him. "But I messed up and Ana's not ready to forgive me."
"How did you mess up, bro? Ana won't tell Kate," Elliot's question is casual…but I know inquisitive Katherine Kavanagh wants to know.
"I forgot how strong, independent and intelligent Ana is. She wanted a boyfriend who went on normal dates. I've been tracked by the tabloids and paparazzi for so long I'm not good at dates. I'm not good at normal." I admit. How do I tell my brother I beat the woman I love? He'll beat the shit out of me. Then he'll tell Kate who will rip my balls off. Then she will tell Raymond Steele who will shoot me. I'd better get things settled...will, life trust, etc. There is no guarantee Ana will come back to me and there is a thousand ways for the world to learn I'm a monster.
Elliot's been talking and I've no idea what he said. I catch the end. "…because until Ana, I would have bet Grey Construction that you were gay."
"Hell, everyone thinks I'm gay. Since I've been photographed with Ana, everyone wants to know who she is. I'm bombarded by women who now think I'm available. I'm bombarded by men who are sure Ana's a skirt. I'm bombarded by media who want to know if there is a woman in every city: Seattle, New York, Aspen, Detroit? Why is everyone so curious about my sex life? I'm not John Holmes or James Deen."
Elliot smothered a snicker.
"Elliot – I'm not like you. I can't go to a bar, pick up a woman and have a one-night stand. I don't know how you've avoided having half a dozen baby mamas running amok through your life, but I can't take the chance. I'm more discreet than any president guarded by the secret service."
"Man, before you get Ana back into your life, you gotta remove Elena Lincoln. If you don't eliminate Elena from your life, Kate will go ballistic. She was livid about Elena running Ana off at lunchtime today. Kate asked Ana why she left. Ana said she refuses to be in the same room with the Bitch Troll, her words, not Kate's. You don't want the world knowing you are in business with one of the biggest madams in Seattle. Tell Mom that Elena is jealous of Ana and ask Mom to quit inviting her to the house." Elliot counseled me.
"You know she's a madam?" I knew she facilitated meetings between Doms and subs; but I didn't know she actively pandered. Wait…what the fuck do you think she does for you? She finds you contractual sexual partners for a fee.
"Everyone knows she's a madam. Hell, half our social circle thinks she's a Dominatrix because of the way she dresses! Kate thinks women her age shouldn't wear black leather pants unless they have an ass like Halle Berry." Elliot sobered, "Well, maybe Mom doesn't know she's a madam. Seriously, bro, if you like Ana, you have to remove Elena from your life."
"More than like," I sighed. "I might be in love with Ana, but since I've never felt like this, I don't have a clue what I feel. I wish Ana would give me another chance." My self-censure button is broken. I'm blurting out my feelings to my brother!
"You must have messed up pretty bad. Well, do you want some advice from your big brother?" Elliot offered.
"Hell no! Ana's a lady and I'm not about to employ Elliot Grey man-whore techniques on her." I snapped. "Let's talk about the room and then watch the game."
"Let's invite Dad to watch the game with us," Elliot suggested. "Mom's working at the hospital."
I reach for my phone and call Dad, who will be here soon. I email Flynn, announcing Dad and Elliot are here for pizza, beer and the game. I'm trying. Flynn must give me credit for it. When I tell Taylor about Dad joining us, he raises an eyebrow.
"I want you to know I've seen more naked women since working for you than I saw at the Mustang Ranch before I shipped off for Marine Corp boot camp at MCRD, San Diego." Taylor complained. "You'll be pleased to know Miss Wellman pulled underwear out of her handbag and dressed before she left. She also told Elena Lincoln to go fuck herself. I won't go into the graphic details Miss Wellman used regarding number of partners, number of times, positions, toys, restraints, etc. I'd bet Miss Wellman would be popular on one of those porn call sites."
"How did Elena respond?" I wonder if we have to protect Miss Wellman from Elena.
"She was pissed Miss Wellman would not obey her orders to stay here until you could interview her." Taylor revealed. "I told Miss Wellman to be glad you sent her away."
I startled, looking at Taylor.
"I told her the last time I saw you this pissed off, you kickboxed a dummy to death. I gave her $40 and told her to get a cab so she didn't have to ride home with Elena Lincoln." Taylor shrugged. "If looks could kill, Mrs. Lincoln would have strung me up in her dungeon and whipped me within an inch of my life."
XXX – 3PPOV
Striker email to Grey: AS at Target Rippers after Wild Ginger. Shot three targets with initials JH and EL printed on them. His were shot in the groin, hers were shot in the head. One of my men qualified in the bay next to her. He claims he cringed when she emptied three cartridges in six targets, decimating them. No discussion with anyone except front desk staff and shooting range manager. Purchased a box of bullets for her gun. Shopped at PPM. Home for evening. KK and EK out for night, no company.
August 30 – APOV
Kate cleared her throat. "We have a guest…" She opened the door to let me in the condo. Dr. Flynn sat there. "He says you know him."
I didn't say anything. I walked to my bedroom, left my things on the chair and kicked off my sneakers. I returned to the living room to address Dr. Flynn.
"I'm walking to Pike Place Market. I'm picking up fish and chips and broccoli slaw for dinner. Ethan and Elliot will join us." Kate observed Flynn. "Is there anything you want while I'm out?"
"I need fresh fruits and cheeses for a dessert charcuterie," I request. "I will chill white wine to drink."
"I'll be back in a bit. Are you sure you are safe…alone with him?"
I nodded and Kate left.
"I wanted to talk to you. I didn't think you'd meet me at my office," Dr. Flynn opened the conversation.
"Dr. Flynn, this is my home. My roommate does not know you. She will have questions and I refuse to lie to her to cover for Christian. This is unacceptable." I sighed, griping my emotions by the throat and shoving them away from me for a minute. "Why are you here?"
"I am worried about both of you. If Grey pushes – Miss Kavanagh, your father or you might go to the police. The media will love the situation. However, the two of you won't like press or police interference." Dr. Flynn stated. "I understand you believe he is following you."
"If one more person attempts to counsel me about my love life or lack thereof, I'm turning someone into an ugly smell in the attic. Neither of us is ready for any kind of relationship. I don't want to be with anyone except Christian. However, I won't be with anyone until I trust my feelings and have control of my emotions and my life. Dr. Flynn, I don't know you. I'm not sharing my life with him, or my feelings with you. Both are…in his parlance… mine, and I don't share."
"Do you have anything you can share with me?" Dr. Flynn loosened his tie.
"Christian's coping strategies aren't working for me. As far as I can tell…they aren't working for him. He has to deal with whatever is messing with his head. He also needs to quit using his brother and sister to ferret out information about me. He needs to understand I cannot be with him if he's friends with his pedophile. I haven't forgiven him for discussing me with her. He has to prove he is trustworthy before I give him another chance." I am proud of myself…I'm standing tall…I am not fidgeting.
"Thank you for your time, Miss Steele," Dr. Flynn rose to leave.
"Ana, just Ana," I muttered. "What am I supposed to tell my roommate about your visit?"
"The truth works best," Dr. Flynn said cryptically.
"Which version of the truth? My version is I met the only man who has ever interested me. I wanted a boyfriend and a relationship. He wanted a contractual sex slave who obeyed his every order and rules. When he introduced me as his girlfriend in Georgia…I thought, yes, we can do this. I can fall in love with the brilliant, beautiful man and it will all work out. I thought I was bringing light to his darkness. That's what I get for playing amateur shrink." I shrugged.
"Since he met you, Christian has made more strides forward in dealing with his past. You've been a profound influence on him." Dr. Flynn revealed.
"I'm not a good influence if Christian sees nothing wrong in a continued friendship with the woman who molested him. I'm not a good influence if Christian cannot see the Bitch Troll is using him and his family." I state. "I thought what happened in Christian's bed stayed in Christian's bed. He discussed me with her…treating me like one of his sex slaves…and treating Bitch Troll like his emotional mistress."
"I would prefer you use Elena Lincoln's real name. Giving her a nickname gives her power in your life." Dr. Flynn's posture was cold and erect…like Christian's some times.
"I would prefer to never have met her. I would prefer to never have learned about her proclivities. I would prefer to never see her again. However, according to The Stones, you can't always get what you want." I'm amazed I have not thrown open the door and tossed the expensive charlatan out on his ear.
"Grey is planning to remove her from his life and from his family's life. He's playing a waiting game." Dr. Flynn revealed.
"In more ways than one," I think about the SEC investigation. "Physically removing her from his personal sphere is not the same as removing her influence on his life."
"Good point, fair made," Dr. Flynn wished me goodnight and left.
"A man's silence is wonderful to listen to," I snarked a quote by Thomas Hardy as I locked the door to the condo.
Don't push me Christian. I might have considered couples' therapy until Harley told me about Elena. Which was right before she crashed my lunch with your mom and sister. I can't explain Harley or the SEC investigation. I can't walk away either. I'm dedicated to seeing this to a finale…whatever that is.
XXX – CPOV
Welch email to Christian Grey: A. Steele at Dr. Greene's office for exam and DP shot. Drove to work, parked inside Grey Annex parking garage. Utilized Grey Annex gym after work with two coworkers. She gave them a ride home, arrived at her condo by seven. KK shopping at PPM. Dr. Flynn visited for a few minutes. KK returned, EK and EG arrived for dinner. A. Steele in for the night.
XXX
Flynn began our session. "I had a conversation with Ana."
"What did she say?" I perked up. I hadn't expected him to begin our session with news.
"No, tonight's conversation is quid pro quo. You answer one of my questions or tell me something, I tell you something Ana said." Flynn accessed his tablet.
My eyes narrowed. "Acceptable, if she said something good."
"I think you will find good things in what she said," Flynn shrugged. "Question one, what did Ana say to you about your BDSM lifestyle?"
"What?" I stared at him
Flynn repeated himself.
"Flynn, you don't need my shit in your head." I attempt to redirect his line of questioning.
"No, I don't. I already understand the lifestyle; I had to study for my degree. The issue is…I don't think you understand the lifestyle as well as Ana does. You told her to do the research and she had a 4.0 GPA." Flynn chided.
I held up my fingers to number off the things Ana said. "Elena was a child molester. Safe, sane, consensual adult relationships didn't have to be kept secret. I would consider the situation with Elena differently if a fifteen-year-old Mia had sex with a forty-year-old man." I am uncomfortable thinking of Elena and my relationship in that context.
"Indeed. Well," Flynn referred to a list. "Ana said your coping strategies aren't working for you or for her. She said you need to deal with whatever is messing with your head."
"I'm not sure how to react, but I will consider." This line of counseling could keep me awake all night. "I think she's referring to my preference for fucking instead of talking."
"Quid pro quo, are you having her followed?" Flynn consulted his list.
"I was. Taylor found out and made me fire the company." I prevaricated.
Flynn shook his head, exasperated with me. "Ana said she wants you to abide by your rules. Once she walked away, there wasn't supposed to be a second chance."
"She didn't sign the contract; therefore, everything is null and void, including the walking away clause." I asserted.
"I doubt she is aware of the consequence. Ana said quit asking Elliot and Mia what she is doing. Make Elena leave her alone." Flynn checked the list.
"Elliot told me Ana won't tell Kate what I did wrong to get thrown out of her life." I feel relieved. "I, of course, did not tell him I was a monster who beat the most perfect woman in the world."
"Stop the negative self-loathing stuff," Flynn directed. "We don't have time to deal with that issue tonight. Ana is not ready to forgive you for discussing her with Elena. She thinks Elena is your emotional mistress. She feels you have to prove you are trustworthy. She says neither one of you are ready for any kind of relationship. She said she won't be with anyone until she trusts her feelings and is in control of her emotions.
I laugh and tell Flynn how trust and control are big talking points in the lifestyle.
"I already know of the lifestyle. I understand the furniture and toys. I understand the need for an NDA, contract, and hard and soft limits. Honestly, I think your rules are controlling and manipulative." Flynn admitted. "I know Elena helped you 'fine tune' the contract. I assume she helped you 'fine tune' your rules."
"I never looked at the rules from someone else's perspective. I thought the rules kept the submissive safe and healthy so we could enjoy our time in the playroom. I can see how Ana felt they were a prelude to a punishment." I said. "You know I still have not determined why I didn't punish Susannah before I terminated with her."
"Perhaps ask Sabine about her reactions to your contract and rules. Refusing or terminating contact is a strong punishment. Maybe you need someone to be honest with you about BDSM, because we know you were taught by…" Flynn suggested.
"…a lying manipulative bitch," I laughed.
"That wasn't the first thought in my head, but it will do if you truly feel that way," Flynn shrugged.
"I'll talk to Sabine about my contract and rules if you let her show you an evening of scenes in one of her playrooms at Locke and Keyes. Sabine will keep you safe from Doms and subs." I tried to hide a smirk.
"If you return to the lifestyle, I'll consider watching different scenes." Flynn agreed. "Let's pause for a minute. You once told me you liked punishing little brown-haired girls because they reminded you of…"
"The crack whore," I ponder the direction of this topic.
"I know your parents didn't call her that," Flynn countered. "I'm fairly certain you didn't grow up thinking of your biological mother that way. I want to know when you started calling your biological mother a crack whore."
I paused and thought…and then I knew when, and where, and I think I know why. "Before Thanksgiving after I turned fifteen. My situation with Elena was new. She demanded I start calling Mom and Dad by Grace and Carrick. I remember I addressed Mom as Grace one evening. Everyone was in shock; however, Grandpa Theo told me calling Mom by her Christian name was unacceptable. He said no matter how badly I had been physically hurt in the past…he would hurt me again if I verbally hurt my mother. The next time we were together, Elena asked me if I followed her order. I told her I hurt Mom and I would never hurt Mom again. Elena beat me with a belt, and told me my mother was a crack whore. She would not allow me to have a sexual release for a month."
"What did you call Ella before the situation with Elena?" Flynn watches my body language.
"I never discussed her with anyone," I admitted. "I tried not to think about her because she was a trigger for a night terror."
"I'm following Sela's recommendation. While we are having sessions, you will refer to people by their names, not nicknames. Ana said she's not sharing her life with you or her feelings with me. She said both are, in your parlance, 'mine and I don't share. Ana said if you are friends with Elena Lincoln, she will not be friends with you. Then she showed me to the door." Flynn concluded the Ana meeting.
"Well, Elena brought a submissive to Escala Saturday night. I had Taylor make the submissive sign an NDA and then he turfed them using the staff elevator. Elena was livid I asked Elliot to remodel the playroom."
Flynn paused a minute while writing. "How do you feel about that?"
"Pissed off. I'm counting down the hours until I can terminate contact with her." I admit.
"Ana called Elena your emotional mistress. She said you may no longer have the physical connection to Elena, but she's your emotional mistress. You discussed all your women with Elena. That might have been acceptable to Ana…until you discussed her with Elena. You should have discussed things with Ana…instead of clamming up and then spewing to Elena." Flynn criticized.
"I'm guilty. Sabine criticized Elena the night she terminated with me. Leila claimed Elena advised her to tell me that she wanted more. I wouldn't listen to either of them," I admit.
"I've made a card for you," Flynn handed over a piece of cardstock the size of a business card. On the front was a quote by Graham R. White. She's not looking for money, status or gifts. She desires honesty, loyalty and being your priority. The opposite side listed Ana's three rules: Call me Ana. No stalking or following. No interference in my life by Elena Lincoln. "This is your reminder of the building blocks for a relationship with Ana." Flynn shrugged. "We're using flash cards to teach multiplication tables to Liam. I thought you could use a flash card also."
Tuesday, August 31 – APOV
Elliot and Ethan almost fall off their breakfast bar stools when I appear in my red angora sweater ensemble. The guys ask if they can feel me up. I shake my head at them, censoriously. Kate arrives in the kitchen and is speechless. She emails a picture to Mom and to me.
"Is that a new consignment purchase?" Kate asked.
"The whole ensemble is consignment," I admit. "Sweater, skirt, heels, purse, tote."
"Wow…now I really want to shop with you." Kate is envious.
Work was the same – my coworkers are gobsmacked, jealous, or envious of my angora sweater. I felt it drew too much attention at the editorial meeting. I'm lucky no one requested to feel me up, especially not Hyde. I bit my tongue several times to avoid telling him that my face was on top of my neck, not centered on my chest.
XXX – CPOV
Striker emailed a picture; which he recommends I open when one else is around.
WTF? WHAT IS SHE WEARING? The black pencil skirt hugs her ass. I'm jealous of a piece of clothes. That sweater is vintage – angora? I'll bet that sweater feels as soft as her skin. I want to throw her down – take off all my clothes – and rub myself over that sweater! I want those heels wrapped around my ass! I'm so hard; I think I could pound nails with my southern gentleman. Getting myself under control takes way too long in my private bathroom. Andrea alerted Taylor I'm locked in the bathroom. I request cracked ice and ginger ale. Taylor asks…and I claim my coffee and breakfast are burning a hole in my guts. The truth is…Anastasia is burning holes in…my control…and my life.