"Tell us a story, sage!"
"We can't sleep otherwise!"
"Oh, all right. Gather, all ye tribesmen! Tonight I shall tell the great legend of Calvin and Hobbes."
Once upon a time, a child was sent to school, in the hopes that it might make him knowledgeable and obedient.
"Calvin, hurry up! You're going to miss the bus!"
"I don't care! I wanna watch TV!"
"Too bad!" a brunette in a purple shirt growled. Exerting as much force as possible, she finally pried her son's fingers off the doorframe before hurling him into the yard.
"Now get going, or you'll be late!" And with that, she slammed the door and locked it.
The child got to his feet and dusted off his overalls, grumbling about how his mother was a slavedriver.
Angrily, he stalked down the street, a scowl on his face. He looked up at a tall post, with some sort of symbol on it. An animal, perhaps?
Never mind- he was supposed to find that bus stop.
He turned to look at the forest behind the houses. There were a lot of things there- pinecones, trees, cliffs, brooks, everything you could want for. This "bus stop" was likely in there.
Well, time to get going. With a sigh, the child- Calvin- walked through the woods. Past trees and bushes, past rocks and brooks. Eventually, he came across a cliff. A vast gap in the world stretched out before him, connected only by a thin strip of land. With a shrug, Calvin began to walk across the land-bridge.
However, on the other end, someone else was walking across the bridge. He did not notice the child, and Calvin did not notice him.
Until they both reached the middle of the bridge, and saw each other face-to-face.
Calvin gazed at what appeared to be a tiger walking on its hind legs. "Go back to your end," he said. "I have to get to the bus stop."
"Bus stop?" laughed the tiger. "You humans, always obsessing over the simplest things. I have a brook full of salmon with my name on it, so you go back to your end so that I can pass."
"No, you let me pass!" shouted Calvin. "I have to get to that stupid bus stop, and no lion's gonna stop me!"
The tiger's eyes narrowed. "What did you just call me?" he hissed in a dangerously calm voice.
"Oh, or are you a cheetah or something?" said Calvin, oblivious to the danger.
"I. Am. A. Tiger!" the tiger snarled as he struck out at Calvin. A powerful backhand sent the boy flying down the bridge. He stuck out an arm to steady himself and skidded to a stop.
"Oh, you did not just do that!" he shouted. "Eat this!" He scooped up several handfuls of gravel and pinecones and stuffed them in his overalls before pulling out a rock and whipping it at the tiger.
It struck him dead center in the chest, knocking him back. With a snarl, he dropped to all fours and rushed at Calvin. Calvin hurled several rocks and pinecones at him, but they merely bounced off the tiger without his notice.
"YAAAAAH!" he yelled as he launched himself into a pounce. Calvin desperately grabbed a fallen tree branch as the tiger landed on him, pinning him to the ground.
Forcing the tree branch into the tiger's armpits, Calvin shoved him off. Snarling, the tiger tried to grab at Calvin, but he simply shoved the tree branch into the beast's stomach and began to force him backwards. A cocky grin spread across his face as he forced the tiger towards the other end of the cliff.
Suddenly, the tiger jumped backwards. Surprised by the shift in weight, Calvin stumbled, trying to hold onto the tree branch. The tiger jumped over his head and punched him from behind, knocking him to the ground.
Calvin jumped back to his feet, grabbed the tree branch, and swung it at the tiger. Stunned, he was knocked backwards. Calvin went for another swing, but the tiger caught the tree branch and lifted it- and Calvin- over the edge of the bridge!
Calvin clung desperately to the branch as he tried very hard not to think of the long fall. The tiger smirked. "And I'll be going to get my salmon now-"
Suddenly, Calvin jumped off the branch and onto the tiger's face! Surprised, the tiger stumbled backwards, dropping the branch. Calvin drew a pinecone and began beating at the tiger's head.
Staggering around the bridge, the tiger tried to grab Calvin, but the boy dodged and ducked.
Finally, the tiger leapt into the air and backflipped, shaking Calvin off. They both landed on the ground and rolled away from each other, then jumped to their feet, ready to fight again.
The tiger lunged, seizing Calvin and lifting him into the air before slamming him into the ground. Calvin rolled out of the tiger's grip before he could be pinned down, then whipped a pinecone between his foe's eyes.
The tiger unsheathed his claws and swiped at Calvin, who dodged two slashes before leaping through the air. The tiger backhanded him away before charging, grabbing Calvin by his ankles to prevent him from reaching the rocks and pinecones in his overalls.
Calvin promptly slapped him in the face. "What was that?" the tiger demanded, dumbfounded. Calvin immediately twisted away from his distracted foe and drew his last rock. The tiger readied himself, unsheathing his claws.
Both collapsed to the ground, panting for breath.
"You're… good," the tiger wheezed.
"Yeah," Calvin gasped. "You… too."
"Hey," the tiger panted, "Does that cloud… look like… a rabbit to you?"
"It… does," said Calvin. "How about… that one? Looks like… a pirate ship."
"What's a… pirate ship?" the tiger asked.
Calvin immediately jumped to his feet. "What's a pirate ship?" he exclaimed hotly. "Only a symbol of adventure and glory itself! C'mon, let's go down to the comic shop. They've got some pirate comics."
"What about that bus stop?" the tiger asked.
"Ah, forget it. It can't be that important! Now c'mon! And what's your name?"
"Hobbes," said the tiger as they walked back across the land bridge.
"I'm Calvin!" said Calvin.
The two walked into town, discussing how "awesome" their fight had been.
Arriving at the comic shop, Calvin showed Hobbes several pirate comics.
The tiger was fascinated, and decided to buy them.
They walked up to the clerk at the desk.
Calvin slammed the comics down before the man.
Looking down, he saw a boy with spiky blond hair and a large stuffed tiger with button eyes with money in its paw.
With a shrug, he took the money and handed over the comics.
"These are epic!" Hobbes declared as they walked out of the shop.
"Well…" said Calvin slowly. "I've got more at home… and some salmon in the fridge. You could come live with me if you wanted."
"Well, I could always give it a try," the tiger shrugged.
Inside, Calvin was grinning. He was pretty sure what this meant- he'd made a friend, like those people on TV had friends.
"CALVIN!" came a shout.
Calvin and Hobbes spun around to see Calvin's mother emerging from the supermarket.
"What are you doing here?! Why aren't you at school?!" she demanded as she stalked towards them.
"RUN FOR IT!" Calvin yelled as he and Hobbes turned to do so.
"And that was how much of their life went.
Until Calvin turned six years old.
And that was when he became the one who we sing our songs about, and when the Enemies came from the stars."