[AN: So, I haven't actively written fanfic, let alone posted any, in over a decade. This was actually written as a side chapter for a much longer crossover fic, mostly to practice writing Obito's POV. This doesn't have any crossover elements or too many references to the main fic, however, so I thought it might stand alone as its own thing and was encouraged to post it.
I feel like the headcanon this is largely centered around is popular enough in the fandom to not need much elaboration. Some things I would like to note are that the timeline might not necessarily check out, because I miscalculated Hana's age before I started writing it and didn't realize until much later, and that I gave Tsume some angst that is elaborated on in the main fic but only vaguely alluded to here. Because I felt like it, I guess.
I'm also writing another Team Minato oneshot that I'll probably post once I finish it, if people like this one. The main fic is absolutely not getting posted until I finish it and do some exstensive editing.]
Obito launched himself at Kakashi again, trying to push down his growing frustration. He had a hard enough time getting a real hit in on the stupid perfect genius when he was thinking clearly, let alone blinded by rage.
Kakashi stopped suddenly, head snapping to the side to squint off into the woods. Obito tried to take advantage of his distraction to punch him in the face, but Kakashi just caught his fist without even looking at him.
"Hey! Don't just ignore me while we spar, jackass!"
"Shut up, idiot," Kakashi snapped. "There's someone in the woods."
Obito turned to search then, finding Minato and Rin already staring off into the woods. He squinted, focusing and listening closely. Now that he was paying attention, it did seem like there was something running towards them in the woods. It was probably just an animal; it didn't sound very large.
Kakashi stuck his nose up then, sniffing the air, then his eyes widened and he slumped, groaning. "It's just Hana." Minato relaxed then, but as Obito opened his mouth to ask who the hell Hana was, Kakashi swept his feet out from under him, sending him crashing to the ground, just to be a dick.
"Hana? Who's that, Kakashi-kun?" Rin asked, pouting slightly. She was probably worried it was, like, his girlfriend or a girl he liked or something. Obito was pretty sure that was impossible, because Kakashi loudly and often deemed anything even remotely romantic as stupid and useless. Besides, Rin was probably the only girl with terrible enough taste in boys to like Kakashi.
Kakashi stormed towards the woods, away from where Obito lay groaning on the ground. Rin helped him up, pulling him to his feet just in time for a little girl wearing red face paint to come sprinting out of the trees.
"Kaka-nii!" she yelled, barrelling right into Kakashi. It would have been hilarious if Kakashi had been knocked over by a little kid, but unfortunately he was immovable as stone. "Hana found Kaka-niiiiiiii!"
"Hana!" Kakashi glared down at her. "You can't just go running off on your own! The woods are dangerous!"
Rather than being at all chastened, Hana started giggling and singing. "Hana found Kaka-nii, Hana found Kaka-nii, Hana's nose—heeheeheehee—is the best!"
Rin rushed over to the little girl, cooing. "Hello! And who would you be?"
"Hi there! My name's Hana! Hana's a Inu—I-nu-zi?" the girl's face screwed up then, and she barked suddenly. "Dog!"
"I see," Rin said, laughing. "I'm Rin. It's very nice to meet you, Hana-chan."
"And what are you doing here, Hana-chan?" Minato asked, crouching down and smiling gently at the girl.
Hana began rocking back and forth on her heels excitedly. "Hana smelled Kaka-nii and wanted to find him! And Hana did!"
"Why would you ever want to do that though," Obito muttered, which earned him a light smack on the shoulder from Rin. He thought "Kaka-nii" was entirely too cute a nickname for a bastard like Kakashi.
"So you did. Good job, Hana-chan," Minato said, completely ignoring Obito.
Kakashi sulked. "Don't encourage her, sensei."
"Did you tell your parents you were coming to find Kakashi?" Minato asked.
"Nope! It's fine, they can find Hana just like Hana found Kaka-nii!"
Kakashi sighed. "Your father can't, and it smells like he was the one you were with." He turned to Minato then, wincing. "If she had been with one of the Inuzuka we could just wait until they came to get her, but since it's her father I'm going to have to go find him and take her back." Kakashi picked up Hana, who began cheering.
"What about our spar?" Obito huffed.
"You lost." Kakashi puffed up haughtily. The effect was entirely ruined by the toddler yanking at his ears. Obito doubled over laughing, his anger momentarily forgotten.
"So who is she, Kakashi-kun?" Rin asked, gently pinching Hana's cheeks. Hana pouted, glaring at her, then suddenly turned her face to sink her teeth into Rin's hand.
"Hana! Don't bite people!" Kakashi scolded, sounding more exasperated than angry, even though the little brat was biting Rin.
Rin stared in shock for a moment, then giggled. "It's fine, she's actually barely using any force." Rin moved her hand side to side then, turning Hana's head with it, looking like a slow imitation of a dog with a chew toy. Rin burst out laughing, and Obito went into hysterics again, barely keeping himself standing.
"Ugh. Hana's an Inuzuka. Her grandfather's the head of the clan, and her grandmother's from my clan," Kakashi explained finally, rolling his eyes.
"Eh? So she's your cousin, Bakashi?" Obito had never heard even one single thing about Kakashi's family. He supposed he had just thought of Kakashi as having sprung up out of nowhere one day as a fully formed smug bastard. It was weird to think about him having parents and uncles and aunts and cousins.
He guessed he'd known on some level that the Hatake were probably an actual clan, with Kakashi having bloodline traits and all, but he'd never actually heard anything about them and had assumed they weren't too important. If one of them had married a clan head, however, they might be. Though maybe the Inuzuka, even their heirs, just married whoever they wanted.
Kakashi nodded, but Hana's face screwed up and she released Rin's hand, now covered in toddler slobber. Gross. Rin wiped her hand off on her skirt, unconcerned. "What's a Bakashi?"
"It's what you call idiot Kakashis."
"Something no-talent morons say."
Obito and Kakashi glared at each other fiercely then. Kakashi raised a leg to try and kick Obito in the chest, but he was hampered by the little kid he was carrying and Obito easily hopped back out of reach.
"No fighting, you two," Minato said sternly.
"We have to get Hana-chan back to her dad before he gets too worried anyway," Rin said, glaring at them, daring them to keep arguing. Even Kakashi knew better to piss off Rin, just hmphing and turning away.
"Right, I'll be bac—wait, what do you mean we?"
"We're coming with you, of course! It'll go faster if we're all looking! C'mon, Sensei, Obito, please?" She began walking beside Kakashi as he rolled his eyes and stalked off, wiggling her fingers at Hana.
"Hana doesn't want Obito to come! He's a meanie, he called Kaka-nii an idiot!" Hana shouted.
"He called me a no-talent moron, that's way meaner!" Obito couldn't imagine why the girl was so attached to Kakashi, he hadn't done anything but yell at her since she showed up. Seemed like Kakashi was as big a jerk to his own family as he was to them. Hana might be a little brat, but most of Obito's baby cousins were brats too and he was nice to them.
Kakashi groaned and walked away faster, but Hana still pointed and babbled incoherently at Obito over his shoulder. Rin was already leaving with them, so Minato gave him an apologetic shrug and followed them. Obito kicked a rock so hard it flew a few feet in the air and smacked into a tree, then he followed where Hana wouldn't see him.
Kakashi led them, sniffing through the air, to the marketplace where Hana had ditched her poor dad. They were informed by a shopkeeper that he had noticed that Hana was gone and began searching frantically.
"See, Hana, your father is upset now. This is why you don't run off on your own," Kakashi said primly, then started sniffing around to find Hana's father. Rin cooed when Hana pouted and crossed her arms. As they hurried down a side street, Kakashi stopped. "Oh, Tsume-oneesan is with him. She must have come looking for you two."
Rin groaned. "We're not going to run around in circles missing each other, are we?"
Kakashi shook his head. "They'll be moving slower than us, and probably coming back this way anyway. We should run into them soon."
And so they did, finding a man and woman who both looked a bit like Hana arguing as they hurried down the street, checking every alley as they passed it. The woman was actually somewhat familiar, though he couldn't recall her name; he'd never properly met her, but he'd seen her talking to Fugaku and Mikoto on a few occasions. That made sense, he supposed, if she was the heir to her clan.
"Mama! Papa!" Hana called out, wriggling out of Kakashi's arms and running to them. The woman and her husband caught her, sagging in relief.
"Kakashi!" The woman called out. "Thanks for getting this tiny fool back to us. And you! Just what possessed you to run off while you were with your father?!"
"Hana told Papa Hana smelled Kaka-nii," Hana pouted. "Hana got bored waiting for Papa to get done shopping, so Hana went to go find him! And Hana did it, look!"
"Hana..." Hana's father sighed, strained. "You don't need to go around sniffing so much–"
"That you did, girl. I suppose your tracking skills are coming along nicely," the woman praised, a bit reluctantly, and Hana puffed up proudly.
Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Too bad she figured it out before impulse control." He glared at the husband then. "And you, Ichiro-san. You should have kept a better eye on her! We were on a training ground when she found me, what if she'd wandered off somewhere even more dangerous?"
Ichiro sneered. "I don't need a lecture from an eleven-year-old."
"Calm down, Ichiro," the woman chided. "He's not wrong. Until Hana learns not to run off, whoever she's with is gonna have to watch her carefully."
When she turned to look at the rest of them her gaze seemed to Obito to be suspicious, but she grinned at them so quickly he thought he must have imagined it. "Hey there, Minato! Been a while! And these two would be Obito and Rin, I assume? I've been hearing about you two from Kakashi." Kakashi stopped eyeing Ichiro like he could murder him with his mind to glare at her and kick her shin, for which she pinched his ear and wiggled it around.
"Hello, Tsume," Minato greeted, smiling. "Yes, they are. Obito, Rin, this is Tsume, heir to the Inuzuka clan, one of Kakashi's cousins, and my former classmate. I don't believe I've met your husband, though, Tsume. Ichiro, was it? A pleasure."
"It's nice to meet you, Tsume-san, Ichiro-san." Rin bowed, barely containing her nervousness, and hid her red cheeks with her hands. Ugh. Rin was so cute when she blushed, but it was usually over Bakashi. "Kakashi-kun talks about us to his family? What does he say?"
Ichiro chuckled knowingly and Kakashi cringed. "Well, young lady, I've heard that you're a capable medic. A good, proper path for a kunoichi. It'll sure be helpful when you've got kids of your own."
Rin flinched, then glared at Ichiro, her fists clenched and shaking. Obito resisted the urge to punch the bastard. Rin started studying medical ninjutsu because she felt called to it, and she always hated anyone implying it was just what girls were supposed to do.
Tsume smacked her husband lightly on the shoulder. "You couldn't have possibly worded that any worse," she scolded. "Don't worry about him, girl, he's just got a bad habit of sticking his foot in his mouth. Kakashi has told us about how skilled you are, though." Tsume grinned as Kakashi repeatedly kicked her, a blush spreading out from under his mask.
Rin grinned and giggled, good mood returned. Tsume winced a little as she looked at Obito, who braced himself. "I've heard you're a fine hand at fire jutsu, and good with clients."
That... was actually better than what he had expected to hear, though he couldn't imagine Kakashi had actually worded any of that in a complimentary way. Kakashi, for his part, had fully turned away from them in sheer embarrassment, crossing his arms. Hana copied him, sending Rin into another fit of giggles.
"Well, it's been good meeting all of you, but we should really be getting back home now," Ichiro said, grabbing Hana's hand and dragging her away from Kakashi. Hana pouted, making grabby motions for him.
"Yes, Hana's due for a proper lecture, I think." Tsume ruffled Kakashi's hair, and he fruitlessly attempted to bat her hands away. "See you later, kids, Minato!"
"Bye bye," Hana said sadly, waving to them as she tottered away with her parents. They all waved back, even Kakashi.
"Ugh, Ichiro's such an ass," Kakashi muttered the second they were out of sight.
Rin raised an eyebrow at him. "He didn't seem that bad... Really bad with words, maybe."
Kakashi snorted. "He said exactly what he meant. He's an annoying, stuck-up idiot. Thinks he's better than the Inuzuka. He's a lot worse when Tsume-oneesan isn't around; he behaves, mostly, around her and her parents and brother. He really wants to be a clan leader's husband, I guess."
Rin's face screwed up. "Yikes, that sounds awful. Have you tried telling her what he's really like?"
"Well, obviously, but she doesn't listen. She thinks I'm just being some kid about it and that I hate her getting married on principle or something. Not my fault that Ichiro's the only guy she's ever been with and that he just happens to be terrible."
"...Is that so," Minato said mildly, a grim look on his face. "And this after what happened with—no, nevermind me."
Obito squinted at Minato, but he refused to elaborate, smiling enigmatically. Well, someone would tell him if it was really important. He shrugged. "He can't hide being an ass forever. She'll figure it out eventually."
"...Huh. What do you know, you said something smart for once, Obito."
"What the hell was that, you bastard?!"
"Don't you two start this up again!" Rin stomped her foot. "I'll knock you both out, don't think I won't!"
Later, when the team all split up after further training to go home (Obito had no idea where Kakashi lived, and any attempts to follow him home ended in failure) Rin grinned widely and started humming, face red.
"Rin? What is it?" Obito asked.
"Oh, I got distracted when Kakashi-kun started talking about what an ass Ichiro is and then you two got into that stupid argument, but Kakashi-kun's been complimenting me to his family! He said I was a good medic! Oh, and he was so adorable with Hana-chan!"
"Has the jerk ever heard of complimenting people to their faces," Obito muttered, but there was no bringing down Rin's good mood now. He was happy for her, anyway, he guessed. If Rin was going to insist on having a crush on such an asshole, it was probably good if he at least liked her a little.
"He must be shy," Rin muttered dreamily. Obito thought the notion was veering rapidly towards delusion. "That's so cute."
Obito was watching Kakashi in Konoha again, and he didn't even have the excuse that the sentimental idiot was spilling important information at the memorial stone or otherwise doing something interesting. He was just lying in a courtyard in the middle of a dog cuddle pile, containing his own pack and Tsume's dog and some other Inuzuka hounds Obito didn't recognize, not quite napping but clearly barely aware of his surroundings. Some random Inuzuka had walked past him earlier and he hadn't even noticed until he heard a door slide shut.
It was easily the most relaxed Obito had ever seen him. He wondered whose idea it was, since Kakashi was happy to endlessly self-flagellate and never take a chance to rest unless forced to. Probably Tsume's. Kuromaru was lying on Kakashi's legs, so he couldn't get up even if he wanted to.
Obito was not surprised that being buried in dogs was apparently incredibly soothing for Kakashi. Even when they'd been kids and Kakashi had been a smug brat intent on not getting close to anyone, he'd had nothing but love and affection for his annoying little mutts. Rin had always been simultaneously over the moon at how adorable it was and seething in jealousy.
She'd finally gotten to enjoy being the focus of Kakashi's devotion, for a mere year and a half. Obito had doubted even that much, before reading her diary, the one she'd started after he "died", all the entries addressed to him. The one she'd kept before was still sitting at the bottom of an unpacked box in her family's new home in the capital. He knew nothing of its contents, beyond the opening sentences of the first entry. He couldn't bring himself to read that one.
"Kaka-nii!" came a voice from inside, throwing Obito's mind back years. But that wasn't Hana's voice and she was probably too old for that dumb nickname by now anyway, so who the hell—
A little boy threw the door open and ran full tilt at Kakashi, just barely stopping short of crashing into the dog pile. "Kaka-nii! What are you doing?"
"Hello, Kiba. I'm hiding from hyperactive pups. Guess I failed," Kakashi drawled lazily, chuckling as Kiba puffed up in offense.
Obito... did not know who Kiba was. He was probably from Kakashi's cousin's family, none of the other Inuzuka were that close to Kakashi, but Obito had never seen the boy before. Maybe Tsume's brother had a kid, or Tsume herself had another one. Why she'd ever want another kid after experiencing Hana as a toddler, though, Obito couldn't say.
"Kaka-niiiiiii's soooooooo meeeeeeean," Kiba whined shrilly, scowling down at Kakashi.
Is obnoxiousness genetic? Obito wondered idly. It would explain a lot, really.
"Ah, am I? I can't be mean, your mama will beat me up," Kakashi said lightly. He sounded like he was joking, but if he meant Tsume, Obito would absolutely believe it. That woman had one hell of a temper, and was probably why Kakashi always seemed completely unfazed by Kushina.
One time Kushina had picked him up by his straps and started gesturing with him, and Kakashi had just hung limply as if there was nothing odd about the situation. He'd still gone red in the face and yelled at Obito and Rin for laughing, of course. Kakashi always had his worthless pride, even when he abandoned all else.
Obito didn't even know what this pathetic, forlorn version of Kakashi was even proud of, besides being a good little attack dog. Maybe that was the only thing. Maybe that was all this Kakashi was and would ever be good for.
Kiba smirked. "Reaaaally? Well, you've gotta make it up to Kiba or Kiba will go tell Mama you were being mean!"
"Is that right?" Kakashi looked like he was grinning widely, even his Sharingan shining in delight in a way Obito wouldn't have thought possible. "And what must this lowly one do to appease Kiba-sama?"
"You gotta let Kiba join the cuddle pile!" Kiba yelled so loud they probably heard him all the way in Kumo, attempting to climb up and clumsily stomping on the paw of Bisuke, always the most irritating of Kakashi's dogs.
"Hey! Watch it, you little brat!" Bisuke barked, leaping to stand.
"Careful there, Kiba," Kakashi said, picking Kiba up and placing him on his chest, where Kiba curled up, giggling. Kakashi gave Bisuke a scratch behind the ears and the dog settled down, grumbling.
Kiba fell asleep there after some time, snoring loudly. Kakashi wrapped an arm around the boy to keep him steady, perfectly content. He even drifted off himself after a while. When did Kakashi go and gain a tolerance for irritating little brats, anyway?
Obito watched for longer than he should, ruthlessly shutting off his Sharingan, having not even noticed activating it. What the hell was Kakashi so happy about, anyway? Obito hadn't thought him capable of being anything other than absolutely miserable anymore. It was infuriating. Obito was miserable, every waking moment, so—
Hana peeked outside through the same door Kiba had come barrelling out of, laughing softly at the sight of the two of them cuddling. "Sleep well, Kiba, Kakashi-nii," she whispered, shutting the door again softly.
Obito slammed the small opening in Kamui shut and dropped himself back in Kiri, ignoring the shaking of his hands. He'd spent too much time watching Kakashi with nothing to show for it. It was a habit he'd have to rid himself of, and soon.
It's one of the (many, many) things he says he regrets, you know? That you were the one who changed him, and you'll never get to know what being friends with him is like. You will, though, Obito. When we all meet again, and I can tell you all this to your face.