Fandom: Victorious
Title: Point of View
Chapter Five: Ghostin'
Point of View: Cat Valentine
Dec 24th, 2022
"Are you okay, Cat?" Jade gently touched my arm. I felt like I was on fire and might spontaneously combust at any moment, like someone had set a slow and steady match beneath my center, deep in the pit of my stomach. Jade sees me, little Cat Valentine, as fierce, bold, and uncompromising. Even after I scared her half to death, passing out in her arms yesterday. How? Getting in front of me, she kneels, taking my hands into her open palms.
"Don't beat yourself up too hard, Cat. Panic attacks happen. You were stressed yesterday. You were fighting with your dad, hearing your parents fight. Some teens become overloaded with stress. This can lead to anxiety, withdrawal, aggression, physical illness, or poor coping skills, such as drug and alcohol use. Your body handled it by going into fight, flight, or freeze response mode. Your heart and breathing rate became too fast. Increasing blood to the muscles of your arms and legs, you mentioned your hands and feet became cold or clammy, and your stomach became upset stomach. I would bet you felt a sense of dread."
I nod, amazed at how perspective she is about my feelings. "Don't doubt yourself, Cat. You are beautiful, funny, quintessential, luscious, innovative, and high-energy; watching you is captivating. People will try to label you and put you in a box, don't give them the power. People are too complicated to have simple labels."
"When you start to feel anxious, repeat to yourself. I am a rare species, not a stereotype. I am learning. I am growing. I am discovering. All of us learn and grow at our rate. Some of us grow up and mature faster because we have no choice. You get to take things slow and experience life. It's a beautiful gift, Cat. Treasure it. I kissed Beck when I was fourteen because I felt abandoned by my mom. Unloved by my dad, I searched for love in all the wrong places. I turned to him before I was old enough to understand how sex affects a woman."
"I thought that by giving myself to Beck. I would finally have someone who would never leave me. But I didn't expect to feel used or guilty like somehow my mom would be ashamed because I didn't wait till I was older. I started to feel regretful after having sex, but Beck was good-looking. He always has girls chasing him, flirting with him, and he isn't shy about reciprocating those jesters. So, I kept having sex because I felt it would keep him as mine. I don't like what it did to me, Cat. Sex made me jealous, clingy, and insecure. Beck didn't see sex the same way I did; sometimes it made me feel cheap, shallow."
"My point is, Cat, don't be in a rush to give yourself away. Take your time, kiss a boy you like or a girl, kiss both, and let your heart lead the way, not your hormones. Sixteen is still very young, honey. I know you want to feel older, but there is something to be said about being young and innocent. Once we lose innocence, we don't ever get it back. Innocence can get us into trouble without knowing it. We may be turning sixteen, but even sixteen-year-olds are just children. As much as we like to be adults, we aren't. We are still just children. And like all children, we need our mother and father. All children need their mother and their father. All children are entitled to their mother and their father. I know your parents drive you crazy at times, but they love you. They aren't perfect, but they are genuine. I lost my mom before I ever got to know her, and my dad is a cold dismissive asshole. I wish I had parents like yours, Cat. So please do me a favor. Even when they drive you crazy or make you feel bad, remember it comes from a place of love. You are lucky to have them, Cat."
"Why do they make me feel so inadequate, Jade? I used to think my dad was a superhero. He could run into burning buildings, pull victims out, and not get hurt. He fought bad guys overseas. He made me unicorn pancakes and lifted me so high I felt like I could touch the sky. He told me I could be anything and called me his princess. I didn't see him often back then, between his deployments and work at the firehouse. I remember going to bed early before he came home from work, we've had to be quiet on Saturdays because he needed to catch up on sleep, so I only got to see him on Sundays, when he wasn't deployed, of course."
"I remember Sundays being so special, though. He would wake us up early before Church. Make our pancakes or waffles with choc chips, and he would sing to the country station. When we got old enough, we could help him in the kitchen. He would take my hands and dance with me. He taught me how to slow dance. He never got mad when I stepped on his feet or tripped him up. He laughed and called me his little left feet bunny."
"Daddy kissed my head and taught me how to allow him to lead. I know I am privileged, Jade. Overseas holidays, skiing trips, and the latest smartphone. But, despite My father's capacity to save lives and beautify the family with riches, now I feel left behind."
"Somehow, as I grew and got busy with the shows, we stopped spending time together. I think he resents me, Jade. Because I followed in my mother's footsteps, he dove into my brother's lives, football games, wrestling matches, fishing, and camping trips. On some days, I seem either invisible or pretty dispensable; other days, he makes me feel ashamed."
"I know he's talked to my brothers about puberty and sex, but neither of my parents has ever talked to me about the subject. He wants to keep me as his little girl; I am not the eight-year-old he taught to dance on his feet. He doesn't hug me or kiss my head anymore; there are no signs of affection, unlike when I was a little girl. Now it's demanding and judgments. He's an authoritarian figure that only preaches about life and its hardships. When he isn't disappearing from my life for months because it's a woman's issue."
"My mom is even worse. She only cares about work and only shows up when the cameras appear. I know it could be worse, Jade. I don't wish your life on me, but I have a right to my feelings."
"You're right, Cat. You do, and I never meant to make you feel like you don't, but what I want you to understand is that their issues are not yours. You can't allow them to indicate how you feel or your choices. Don't let them push you into a mistake. Your dad doesn't want to let go; it's normal. What you need to figure out, though, is whether your sudden interest in sex is because your hormones are beginning or are this a rebellion against your parents. If you are curious about sex, and it's something you feel strongly about yourself, that's perfectly normal and healthy. What's not healthy is throwing yourself into a situation you are unprepared for because you think it will prove something to your parents. That's immature and dangerous. It's what I want you to think about, Cat."
"Know your worth, Cat. Don't let them or anyone tell you your value. A woman who cannot honor her feelings will not find them honored by anyone else. You never need to apologize for being brilliant, talented, gorgeous, rich, or smart. If we truly believe in an inner light, we will not believe in the power of external forces and will not be so easy to dominate and control. We would not be tempted to see hair, clothes, and makeup as sources of so much of our self-esteem and the ideal beauty of a fashion model as a sign that we are not beautiful at all."
"I wish I could see myself through your eyes, Jade. You got superpowers, or like I am made of glass, you see right through me. You know me better than I do; I can't seem to keep anything from you. How can you touch my soul from the outside? Permeate my ego and my pride?"
"Magic Cat. As you said, I have superpowers. Growing up too fast powers, but the pain of growing up too fast without a mother is rare. It's one that allowed me to understand how other teenage girls might feel, and they help me see how you're struggling. We all feel unpretty, naive, stupid, scared, and confused. We all have parent issues or trouble making friends. How we choose to handle it defines our path in life. It would be best if you didn't go down the same path I did when you feel scared, confused, or unsure of something. I want you to look in the mirror and touch this necklace."
Jade stands moving behind me, holding the necklace she places across my chest, bringing the chain and clasp into the back with her. I feel her fingertips graze my flesh which shivers. "It's beautiful, Cat. Just like you."
Leaning forward, she kisses my cheek. "I want you to remember growing up is hard, but it doesn't have to be unbearable. You will have days when you feel like a panther, fierce, bold boss days, and days when you feel like a unicorn, magical, pure of heart, with wings to dream like a little girl wanting to fly but being a little too shy to leap. They are both okay."
"I never looked at it this way Jade." She smiles sadly, returning to her seat.
"I know because you were never taught to. From now on, I want you to open your mind and see that it's okay to see things from a different perspective."
Wiping my eyes, I smile at her catching Daniel coming up from behind Jade. "Hey, sorry to cut dinner short. We're running late. We must be at the hospital within the next twenty minutes, and traffic is heavy, so we need to leave."
"Oh crap, aren't we filming?" "Yes, so we need to head over now."
"Wait, it's a cast event, isn't it?" Jade questions Daniel, who squeezes her shoulder, nodding. "Yes, everyone will be there, Remi included. We have no choice, though, Jade. We're all under contract. We need to appear. I'm going to get the car. Meet me out front, ladies."
Daniel walks away, and I watch Jade's face fall. Reaching over, I squeeze her hands. "My treat tonight. I got you, Jade. We all do. I doubt Remi will start anything at a children's event. Trust me. The way you expect me to trust you about who I am inside. Trust me when I know you can handle this because I see you through a different set of glasses than you see yourself. I'm getting used to receiving compliments. Now it's your turn."
"Remember what your mom always said, Jade. You have power over your mind―not outside events. I think this advice applies tonight. What Remi and Beck did was sick, and it hurts, but you can control how you respond to whatever that little bitch dishes out."
"Mom used to say everything you need is within you, the strength, courage, and confidence to change your life. You need to look within yourself and find it."
"Also, good advice, so take it, Jade. Make the change and let Beck know he can't hurt you anymore. Dump his sorry ass. Let Remi know she isn't going to break you."
"It's easier said than done, Cat."
We rise and head over to pay the bill. Once we step outside, the shitshow begins. Flashes of cameras blind us as the grown-ass men who make their living chasing little girls start screaming out questions.
"Jade, are you heading to LACH for the Christmas event? Remi will be there with Beck; how will you handle seeing them together?"
"Will you forgive Beck? Take him back?"
"How will this betrayal affect you psychologically?"
Slamming the car door, Jade lets out a scream. I rub her knee, seeing her pain etched across her face. Daniel speeds off, blasting his horn as they try to block his path. Jade's body shakes, so I pull her close, rubbing her arms and wiping her tears as she buries her face into my lap.
"I'm so stupid."
"No, you're not. He is the stupid one cheating on you with some dumb blond wannabe. He had the entire world at his feet, a beautiful girl, friends, parents who loved him, good looks, and a promising career. Beck let it all slip through his fingers from sheer cowardice. He could have controlled his urges. He chooses to cheat. That to me is cowardliness."
My fingers slip through her hair, twirling long midnight strains around my ivy tips. "I hate myself, Cat. No matter how much I want to listen to my brain and dump him, my heart keeps screaming. You love him, don't walk away. Fight for him. I can't get out of my heart to get inside my head."
"Do you ever feel like maybe life isn't worth living anymore?"
"No, Jade. I hope you don't either."
"Wish I could tell you it wasn't. I can't see the point; Beck was my everything. I know that's sad when I am only sixteen, but this is what I was talking about before sex changes a girl's point of view, her heart. It's too late to save myself. Beck gave me a reason to laugh, believed in me, and listened to me when I was mad at my father or hurt by his actions. Beck was a big brother to Ryan; his betrayal will hurt Ryan so much. I feel like I am letting Ryan down, so how can I live with myself?"
"H-how do I forgive someone who hurt me so badly, and if I forgive him, what does that make me? A cheap home, someone who lets anyone walk over them without consequences?"
Jade turns away to face the window wiping her tears and wrapping her arms around her knees, which she curls up to her chest. I wish Daniel would say something, but he has the music blaring and is leaning over, talking to Raelyn. Where did my beautiful, confident girl go from a few minutes ago? I feel scared now, helpless to convince her she's not cheap or weak.
"Maybe it would be better if tomorrow never came for me. No one would miss me. Beck and Remi could live their miserable backstabbing, cheating hearts together in peace."
"Beck was my shelter from all of life's storms. Now I am alone. How could he leave me standing in the rain?"
"You are not alone, Jade."
"You don't get it, Cat."
Breathless with the anger, I clench my fist, feeling this surge boil through my blood. Why is she suddenly acting like my parents dismissing my feelings? The feeling shoots through my veins like hot needles stabbing my veins. Quickening my blood flow, I hear the blood rushing inside my ears. "Get what, Jade?" I quietly ask, grinding my teeth and sliding a tongue over my drying lower lip. "Get that you are unspeakably hurt, scared of lashing out in public, and being labeled the bad guy again. Afraid of starting over because the world you knew, the promises Beck made to you, are garbage. Get that you are tired of putting yourself out there only to have your heart shredded and your ass handed back to you?"
"Get that you can't ever imagine being okay again or see yourself smiling because, in your mind, everyone else has a green light to go ahead with life, and you are stuck at red."
"Yeah." Her voice is shocked and monotone, her eyes misty but dull, reminding me of a broken doll lying on the floor in a toy store, watching as all the children step over her and pick the perfect packaged dolls. "No, I can't because I've never had my heart broken, my trust betrayed, my dreams shattered. I've had the perfect life without pain or fear. Jade, no offense, but shut the fuck up; you have no idea the shit I've had to endure. We all carry pain inside, which we hide from the world. We all deal with endings and starting over. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning."
"Cat, I never knew you were always so happy."
"I have to be Jade. Only one of us can be all doom and gloom; the world needs sunshine and rainbows to keep going. If we are both a hot mess, what hope does this world have to fly?"
"We're actors Jade. We play facades for a living. Faking emotions, smiling when we want to cry, and speaking softly because speaking loudly feels unattainable. It bothers me when you don't look past the theatrical makeup. You see me as an animated character; guess what? I am not a character. I am a real, living, breathing person with flesh. Do you know what gets me out of bed every day?"
"N...No, I guess I don't."
"You, Jade. You get me out of bed. You're my best fucking friend, my sister. My soulmate. I am always there on the sidelines watching you make a mess out of your fucking life. Getting shit-faced and puking on my rug. Crying over some argument you and Beck had, holding you when you cry, being strong for you."
"I can't simply decide I am done with life because where would that leave you? No matter how much of a mess my family is. I can't end things, and believe me; my family's a fucking mess. My parent's marriage is hanging by a thread, and one wrong move will cut that thread."
"Sutton's one choice away from jail or the grave. Daniel is going back overseas in three days. Matthew and Carson, his sons, are going to be a mess, scared their daddy won't come home. It will be up to me to comfort them, Jade. Not my parents because they are too busy waging war on each other or burying themselves in work."
"I will be making dinner, ensuring their teeth are brushed, correcting homework showing them how to throw a baseball, writing their name, keeping them healthy, and praying with them at night, so their daddy is protected against the bad guys. I will leave a light on so their daddy can find his way home. Me sleeping with them so they don't feel alone. Guess who sleeps with me so I don't feel alone? Guess who comforts me when I awake from a nightmare that my brother or father is killed in action? No one Jade. I handle it alone."
"Cat. I am sorry. I had no idea."
"No, Jade. You don't. Because you don't ask, no one ever takes the time to ask me. You don't come from a military family or a family of first responders. You could never know the fear I deal with every time my dad or brother walks out the door or the anxiety I face when I hear about a fire and see that the 181 has responded. Not only is my dad their captain, but my aunts are also paramedics. There is always a family member on the front lines, which causes me to worry."
"I'm sorry, Cat; I know I am selfish. Hearing your pain takes my breath away. I never knew, and you're right. I should know you are my best friend. You might be wrong, though. I do know what it's like to worry. My cousin, Amanda, is a detective in NYC; I worry whenever I hear about a cop being killed or suspended."
"I love you, Cat. I am sorry I never took the time to notice how badly you hurt."
"It's okay, Jade. I know your life has been a lot harder. It would help if you found your passion; Jade use it like music, dance, acting, or whatever makes your heart tick to make the world boom. The negative won't seem overwhelming if you pour your energy into something positive."
I hear her slide closer to me. I begin to turn, and I see her smiling face. She says, "Don't turn; this is about you." My heart begins to pound. I sit there, feeling a desire run from my heart to my chest and down toward my inner thighs.
Her finger touched my neck, and the hair, as it was moved away, nearly gave me the chills. Her hands went from the sides of my head and down to my neck, shoulders, and hands. She grabbed my hands gently yet firmly, put them in front of me, and paused. I felt safe; she spoke no words. My heart is about to beat out of my chest, and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
She kisses my shoulder and runs her lips on my skin towards my ear but doesn't quite make it that far. I tilt my head, and after her deep breath, she lets out she bites me gently. It doesn't hurt; it only makes me want more.
She stares into my eyes and smiles. Her two hands grab my left hand, and she places my open palm on her heart and holds it there. They began to burn, and I can't explain why. Her eyes exude love, protection, security, safety, patience, and respect. I smile, and she lets go of my hands; with one hand, she runs her fingers through my hair and gently guides my face closer to hers, eventually leaning me in to rest my head on her chest. Her other arm wraps around me; I hope she never lets go.
While at that moment against her chest, I could only think about what I could do to make her heart pound. I brought my burning hands up, resting them on the curve of her hips, and felt both our hands tremble. Moving closer, I open my legs and encourage her to slide between them. She's hesitant, but I am never surer of anything in my sixteen years of life. I gently take her head and tilt it to my face. Our lips met, soft lips on soft lips. For the briefest of seconds, those lips, hers and mine, were tentative, unsure of what they might find.
They found their match in warmth, and our mouths opened as if unlocked, and tongues met, and suddenly she was no longer she. It was no longer just me. We were we. We are one.
A song danced inside my brain as our lips danced a beautiful tango.
Love is like the world is on fire.
Let your heart soar on the wings of butterflies.
Dive into the wire.
Never be afraid to try.
Lyrics to one of Caitlin's songs. I feel Jade's hands caress my legs. A warmth I have never felt before begins to grow strangely. Wetness. The heat settles into the core of my stomach, coiling like hot coals. Her hands slide up my shirt, brushing my tender breasts, which instantly swell. I am speechless, breathless with desire but how and why? We're both girls; this doesn't seem right. What are these reactions, and why are my nipples suddenly painfully hard? Why can't I remember what we learned in health class yesterday?