Fandom: Victorious
Title: Point of View
Chapter Eleven: Hello
Point of View: Cat Valentine
Barnsdall Art Park
Dec 24th, 2022, Five pm
"She was once bright, bubbly. Her smile would brighten up the room.
She had dreams and desires.
She hears the whispered words in the hallway daily; look at her eyes.
Is she dead? Is she alive? Why did her smile cease to happen?
She's so creepy. There isn't any shine in her eyes.
She's no more than a plastic doll, eyes in a daze, distant.
It's as if she was always somewhere else.
Her head, perhaps?
Or maybe a whole different world?"
She doesn't talk much anymore. She gradually became more reserved, distancing herself from others and fumbling for her words.
It was as if she was afraid to utter a word. As if doing so would lead to punishment.
She always seemed unsure of herself, insecure.
Her body radiated the exact opposite of confidence in its aura.
She preferred to be alone, isolating herself in her room.
She didn't talk to her friends much anymore.
She didn't dream her dreams anymore.
She didn't want anything anymore.
She didn't participate in her old hobbies anymore.
Nothing mattered because it goes by another name now.
Hopeless.
The shine in her eyes never returned, the smiles never alive.
Some days she wondered where that happy little girl did.
She never sees her anymore.
Where did she go?
What was her name, again?
She walked away so quietly.
No one even saw where she vanished to. Will her name be forgotten over time?
She's on her own again; no one notices when she cries.
Just once, she wishes someone would say.
Don't go, little girl; there's a world you don't know full of beauty and light.
But when she opens her eyes, that dream disappears, and she is all alone again.
Alone and sad, wishing for those days when she was carefree and bubbly.
Where did they go?
Where did she go?
How did no one notice?
"Wow, Jade, you have a beautiful voice. Very Broadway sounding." Jade smiles sadly at Noah's comment as the two of us return from getting Italian Ice at a stand in the park to find her singing one of her original songs.
"Thanks, Noah." "You're welcome. Want a lick?" He offers her his cup of cherry ice, which she shakes her head at in response. Seeing Jade this way kills me. She wants friends but hates socializing. She is afraid to open herself up and be vulnerable. When Jade gets into one of her moods, she wants to be alone but not lonely. So, I always make sure she's never alone. Depression is tricky. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. This deep feeling of sadness can feel paralyzing.
No one can see the physical hold depression has on a person's soul, not at first, anyway. I'm still learning to reread my chapters without feeling like I want to set all my pages on fire. So, dealing with Jade's depression is sometimes so all-consuming it makes me feel like I want to jump into a fire.
If I can keep going, then I can keep Jade going. No matter how many days I've spent crying. No matter how hopeless and sad I feel, no matter how many days I've spent wishing things were different - I know this - I won't feel this tragic forever. I will keep going; there's an entire world outside of high school and our parent's walls. It's the circle of life we are born filled with hope and wonder like little kids at Disney World. As life passes, we lose the wonder and hope little by little mini stampedes of life's passing winds take away our innocence.
If we don't have faith and no one in our corner to remind us how special we are, it's easy to see how people completely shut down and lose themselves in a cycle of drugs, alcohol, and hopelessness. The path to hope is twisted, and we will stumble along the way, but I learned early on to dance over it.
Dance became my hope.
Music became Jade's hope.
Along the way, we discovered the joy of acting.
I don't particularly appreciate seeing Jade like this, so I put my cell phone on the highest volume and took her hand. "Hit your mark, Jade." "Cat, I don't feel like dancing." I press play on my music player. The bass thumps to life, and Zeynda's voice comes through the speakers a few seconds later. Looking at Noah as I press play, he seems to understand my meaning, so he takes our cups of Italian Ice and places them on the ledge, so they don't fall.
A dream like this is not something you wish for
A dream like this is not something you ask for
When it's a gift worth taking a chance for
Then this is something you dance for (dance for)
My arms leave my body as the music grows louder. Jade's eyes are on fire as she watches me. Her fingers click to the right and connect to the left. She's impatient. My elbows gracefully tear through the air, in perfect rhyme with Noah; our bodies trace a curve through the air that no menace can surpass. My feet now hit the concrete in a boisterous victory for all that was denied. I am myself today.
When I am dancing, I am free. Free from worry, pain, and anger, free from feeling anything except hitting my mark. Coming down, I glance at Jade. I extend my hand; She hesitates. She's watching, and so is the crowd, which has gathered now.
Hey, yeah, yeah
Oh, whoa, this is something you dance for
There's a moment when you look to decide
Who will fall? Who will survive?
Jade gazes at them all, the mass of onlookers.
Scrutinizers.
Appraisers.
Critics.
People with no idea who any of us are will judge us by one missed mark, not caring how many hours we spent practicing these moves, how our bodies ache, or what we sacrificed to get our bodies into this physical ability. Her mom's favorite song comes to mind when I look into Jade's eyes. I can't read her mind, but I don't have to; her feelings and thoughts are right there in her eyes. I'm bulletproof; nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away. Shoot me down, but I won't fall. I am titanium!
Letting out a deep breath, Jade slides across the concrete as the onlookers grow in number, many recording us.
Her feet explore in passion as she glides across with poise. We electrify the air with rage like a hundred thousand fireflies ignite the atmosphere. We burst into flames with every bob of our heads, every jiggle of our shoulders, with every gyration of her hips.
That's the moment when you find it inside
On the line, this is your time
And it's all I want, and it's all I do.
A dream like this is not something you wish for
A dream like this is not something you ask for
When it's a gift worth taking a chance for
Then this is something you dance for
We each have a special spark that makes us feel alive. Noah is known as magic when he's onstage. He found dance late in life, but through hard work, dedication, and sheer will stronger than any spell Harry Potter could cast, he has risen to be one of the highest-ranking dancers in the tri-state area. Jade was the fireball. She was simply the best dancer Los Angeles had ever produced. How could she not be? She's the daughter of the legendary Caitlin Ryan. Jade has never had a choice except to be the best. It's a curse and a blessing, one no one would ever wish for, but once they have it, they don't have a choice except to own it or deny it.
Jade doesn't run.
Euphoria is my nickname in the dance world. I am always a ball of happiness and a wonder to behold on stage, especially now with my red hair. Years of being commanded, I now turned unapologetic. All the dark days came rushing back right before I headed onstage, my parents fighting, my brother's violence, the endless nights of being afraid when the cops would come to inform us he had been arrested again, I was constantly huddled in a dark room of my room, I would hold on to dear life with fear, on stage or anywhere that I can let loose and dance.
We bring energy and a force of rebellion. We were charging the atmosphere. We all had demons that tried to hold us back. Attempted to suppress, control, demean, and hurt each of us repeatedly. They had done so all our lives.
Can you believe it? You feel alive?
Hit your mark, ready to rise.
Your body's aching, but your heart doesn't mind
Feet on the ground, eyes on the prize
And it's all I want, and it's all I do.
Now, as I gyrate over stone walls and jump on ledges, leaping off those edges' legs spread wide, into a Grande Jete, as Noah spins around in fanatic circles, Fouettes, Pirouettes, Tour en l'air and Jade executes a perfect series of turning Pas de bourrée, Step-Tuck Chassé with every jerk of our waists, every flick of the hair, every beat of our feet, ever shrug of shoulders beckons to the world and says, We are not going down without a fight. Come and try. The bass thumps through our feet, and the lyrics inspire us to keep pushing our bodies past the limit. Our pain gives meaning to the dance. The dance must be significant because we are significant.
We matter.
We are alive.
For love, for the fame, to bring down the rain.
By the way that you feel when they're calling your name
For the days, nothing more; it's just you on the floor
Oh, this is something you dance for
It is a passion. Satisfaction of mind. Art of delivering the story. Implementation of a new idea in a unique way. It is everything to me. When I come to a stop, my heart is hammering, my hair flying, and my eyes widen as I see a crowd of over a hundred people has gathered. "Fuck." I mumble. We don't dance for the applause, but the sound of hundreds of hands slapping together and the cheering isn't horrible.
Jade lives for it. She grins, bowing as the crowd screams out. She eats it up, grinning from ear to ear and waving her hands as if to keep them clapping and cheering. She was on fire now; music flowed through her body, and the upbeat rhythm increased her fantastic mood. She was happy. It was just pure bliss; she was pleased. There's no other word for it; she was just delighted. Seeing her happy takes away my embarrassment. I was going for this when I got up and insisted she dances.
Happiness.
Noah is surrounded by fans who all recognize his social media. He's taking selfies and signing autographs. "Noah, you move with grace, like you've been doing this your entire life. I can't believe you only started when you were ten~ thank you for giving us late bloomers hope!" One young boy hugs Noah with such enthusiasm it almost knocks Noah off his feet; he recovers with the grace only a dancer can possess. "Thanks, little man; what's your name?" "My name is Stephen!"
"Well, Stephen, keep dancing; look me up on social I'll add you. Never let anyone tell you you can't dance. Burn brighter than the haters dance under the city lights, dance alone in the dark. Dance on stage, in the school hallways, and always keep a song in your heart, and no one can break your spirit."
"Aw, thanks for the advice, Noah. I'm Lisa, this one's mother. Your mother raised a perfect gentleman. I'm very proud my son has you to look up to as a role model."
Noah's cheeks burn brighter than the sun as he hangs his head, running his hands through his mop of curls. "Thank you, Ma'am. My mom would be pleased to hear that it compliments the highest prestige."
"You're a very welcome young man. All of you are so talented." We each thank her as we move through the crowd, grabbing our bags. By the time we break free, our heart rates have calmed down, but our energy is now at the highest levels. We settle for a walk on Sunset Boulevard; the beauty of the crescent moon lights our way. Each of us is lost in our thoughts; for me, it's a simple question of how I am good enough for strangers when my family can't accept me.
"Some days, I feel like I walk alone; how could I spend two years loving someone who never loved me back? Beck couldn't have loved me if he called me damaged. Could he?"
"He makes me want to scream. How can I keep fighting when people look at me like I am a walking shell of failure?"
"You can keep fighting because you are not the weight of their words. Jade, you have a light inside you that even the darkest pain can't touch. I saw it when you were dancing. The entire crowd saw it. The light burns so bright it hurts people's eyes." She stops walking for a minute to stare at Noah. "It's true. Not every dancer is gifted with such a remarkable ability. Treasure it, man. I'm envious of the beauty."
Taking Jade's hand, I pull her into the nearest store, Hollywood's Hidden chest. "Cat, do you know what this store is?" "Yes, Jade. I do. It's an adult store. I brought you here because tonight is the night." "What's happening tonight?" She looks at me, confused. "Tonight is the night you take my virginity, but it's also the night I show you how loved you are because once the act of me being a virgin is taken care of, I am going to make love to you all night, so you never doubt how truly amazing you are Jade. Take my hand, I know sometimes life can feel too much, and you want to give up, but when you don't know how to find your strength. Take my hand; I will be your strength. Together we can do anything."
"Cat. This is a huge step."
"Yeah, and I am scared shitless, but I know if I take your hand, you will get me through my fears. So, take my hand and let me get you through your depression. In times of laughter, and tears, in all the years when we've been afraid, it's always been the two of us hand in hand. So why should today, our sixteenth birthday be any different?"
"I guess it shouldn't be, Cat."
"No, it shouldn't be, so show me the way to whatever section we need to make this happen. I'll spring for the hotel room." Jade laughs at my inside joke knowing her family owns the best hotel chain in the world, and she never has to pay.
"Are you sure?"
"100%."
"Noah, are you okay being in here?" Noah swallowed hard as a wave of dread washed over his now bright cherry face. He looked onto the ground, "I'm okay, just calculating the odds of the ground opening up to swallow me." Heat rushed to my cheeks. I was utterly embarrassed for him. I jogged back to where he stood shyly in the doorway. "If my mom finds out I am in an adult store, she will chop my nuts off and feed them to the chomo's she locked up."
"You don't have to be in here. We can hurry up and meet you outside. I didn't think, man, sorry. But you did mention you wanted to have sex. You should know what you need before making that choice, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I, um, suppose you are correct."
We enter the shop. His hand is sweaty and tingly. It's adorable to have someone who is even less experienced than me, especially a boy. Most boys my age are so cocky. It's sweet to see Noah so nervous. We enter the shop, which is massive and sparkling clean white walls that shine so bright it takes me a moment to adjust after being in the dark for so long. "it's strange to see an adult store not hidden away under the ground without tinted windows. Everything in New York is below ground." "Do you like living in New York?" Jade answers, having missed his little song earlier. "Yeah, I love it; there's so much excitement and always an adventure waiting around every corner." "Even now?" "Yeah, it's a little scarier once violence touches you. I guess you are never the same; that's what my mom said after the shooting."
"How close were you to death?"
"JADE! You don't ask someone that question!" I'm shocked she would bring the question up, horrified for Noah, who kicks at the floor, his hands shoved into his pockets. Jade's always been fascinated with death and had a dark sense of humor. She's someone who finds beauty in things others consider dark. People have always viewed her as unkind, violent, or lacking in spirit, but I've always defended her because they don't take time to see beyond the dark clothing and sassiness. See the beautiful girl under this darkness. Jade is intelligent, romantic, and artistic. At this moment, though, I am rendered defenseless how she could ask something so personal, so terrifying. Is she jealous because I am holding his hand and paying attention to him? Is Beck right about her? Is she a bitch when she gets possessive?
"I've faced death over fifty times with my cancer battles, childhood cancer was once a death sentence, but today more than 80% of children and teenagers survive long term. I am making it one of modern medicine's true success stories. However, doctors are increasingly becoming aware of several harmful effects of cancer and the subsequent "cure" that extend beyond physical sequelae.
Survivors of childhood cancer commonly report cognitive, emotional, and psychological difficulties, including attentional problems, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress symptoms PTSS, it's no different than soldiers who engage in war or people who survive a traumatic event like a mass shooting."
"Sometimes I find talking about my battles and victories healing, but there aren't many people who understand what I went through, at least not my age. I know you have CJ, but he went through both the battles with cancer and shooting, so I am sure he has his emotional baggage to work through. Plus, he's your age; I have two years under my belt, in age sixteen is mature compared to a fourteen-year-old. If you need to talk, I'm here."
Just like that, Jade melts my heart. I must swallow back my guilt at doubting her for even a second. Walking through the endless miles of shelves stocked with merchandise, I find myself lost in the products. Signs point to different directions clothing, magazines, DVD toys, BDSM, and LGBTQ; we walk down one aisle, which has an assortment of condoms, lubricants, and crèmes that serve as arousal aid all on one giant wall stretching for miles.
The next wall across from it has luxury lingerie, exotic lingerie, latex lingerie, role play lingerie, lingerie for her and him, lace, silk, leather materials, all colors, and cuts. We stop while she looks over the selection. "Do women wear this, Cat?" Noah whispers. I shrug, feeling a flush of uncomfortableness at my lack of experience. "Wouldn't the thong get stuck in your butt crack?" I laugh. "this makes me remember my broccoli outfit from one of the plays Mr. Sikowitz got us suckered into." "Ugh, I couldn't get my boobs through the hamburger outfit." Jade snorts. "Hamburgers and Broccoli, what type of school do you two attend? I thought Hollywood Art was sophisticated. We're doing the musical Hamilton at my school. Well, we were. Who knows now? I hear parents saying it's too violent for us after what we endured." "Also, what kind of name is Sikowitz?" We laugh at Noah.
"Broccoli gives me gas; I would never want to dress as it."
"Sexy nurse with balls and chain, wow. Yeah, school girl, I would be expelled if I dressed like this to go to school."
"Airline stewardess, excuse me 'sir, would you like some Knick to go with your drink?" Jade and Noah burst out laughing as I model the outfit holding it against my body using a fake British accent. Noah picks up a sexy witch's costume with a pair of metal cuffs decorated in weed leaves and holds them up. "Excuse me, miss, but I've put a spell on you because I am Harry Potter."
I hold my stomach from laughing so hard as Jade rolls her eyes. "Lame, Noah." She smiles though as she looks through the aisle. Jade doesn't seem to find what she wants here. So, we keep going. "What were those things anyway?" "Butt pugs." WHAT! Noah screams out, horrified, quickly wiping his hands on his jeans and making a face like he's going to vomit. "It's a sex toy designed to be placed in your anus for sexual pleasure, similar to a dildo but shorter with a flanged end to prevent it from getting sucked up your anus and lost forever."
"What's a dildo, Jade?" I ask, curious yet afraid of the answer. "Ugh, that is so gross! My mom would never let me live this down; she's right; maybe I am too young for all this sex stuff." Noah shakes as he gags a little. I rub his back.
"No, I don't think you are, Noah." I take his hand and place them on my hips. A boy who feels the palm of a girl guide him lower unexpectedly can't help feeling the tingle rush down his spine. No one wants to know they're being seduced, especially boys. They like to think they are in charge, even when he's not. So, when I draw him, I let him believe he controls the game.
"There are temptations like you; there are sinners like me." "Yeah, Cat. You are not a sinner; you're more like a Simba trying to prove to Mufusa he's a lion." Jade's comment kills any other seduction. "Now, I am a sinner." Jade dangles a toy in her fingers. "You two will be my sin tonight. After I am done with you, if you pass the test, only then can you call yourselves sinners." "What's that thing in your hand, Jade?"
"A dildo, Cat, my love, it's my favorite pleasure when making love to a woman. They are objects inserted into the vagina, anus, or mouth. These beauties come in many shapes and sizes. Often shaped like a penis, some look realistic. Others are more abstract. They can be slightly curved to help stimulate pleasure in your g-spot or prostate. Dildos are made from many different materials, like silicone, rubber, metal, or break-resistant glass."
Noah picks up a dildo arching his eyebrow. "Take it from someone who has a real penis. They look nothing like the real thing. I would bet my allowance they feel nothing like it either."
Jade shrugs. "They do when you don't have the real thing in your time of need."
"I wouldn't know." I sigh. "Really?" Noah moves closer. "Yeah, I've never seen the real thing." "Jade, how does something that big go up a tiny hole like mine?"
She grins. "Stimulation Cat. I'll teach you both all about the art of masturbation and foreplay tonight. Stimulation will arouse you, so your vagina opens and allows a penis or a toy to enter you. You'll get wet and swollen, right, Noah?" Noah squeals as Jade's hand slaps his bulging jeans. My eyes widen. "it's growing?" I squeak. He shoves his hand over my mouth. "Be quiet! It's embarrassing!"
"Cat, I want you to pick out a vibrator." "Me?" I squeal out in shock and embarrassment. She nods, grinning evilly. As the saying goes, pride comes before a fall. Jade's azure eyes stare directly into mine, challenging me. Do I mean the words I say? Does she matter to me so much that I will push away my pride and embarrassment and go through with my promise of making love to her? I don't even know what the hell a vibrator is, and she wants me to pick one out. With a sigh, I head over to the section. I glance at the shelf with vibrators of all kinds, colors, and shapes.
Bondage gear, cuffs, whips, sex dungeon items, restraints, anal rings, penis rings, and harnesses. Taking a deep breath, I blindly reach for one, but her hand stops me. She's warm and calm. Which helps shelter my racing heart and tear-filled eyes. "Don't pick blindly; pay attention to what you are buying. One, they aren't cheap; two, they need to fit your vagina. Too big, you can seriously hurt yourself; too small, it's useless. I am not trying to make you uncomfortable. Everything about sex is about being intimate and close. You're completely exposed. The only way to make light of it is to joke and become emotionally disassociated with the subject. You are going to be judged. Life is full of judgment. If someone is having sex with you, their judgment of you is positive. I love you, Cat—your body, influence, intelligence, humor, compassion, heart, and talent. The best way to handle embarrassment in life is to laugh about it and take it easy. However, sex isn't a joke; it's serious, so take this seriously. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask, both of you. Because if you can't take it seriously, you aren't mature enough to engage in sexual intercourse."
"Do you think you are ready?"