Fandom: Victorious
Title: Point of View
Chapter Fifteen:
Point of View: Cat Valentine
"Cat, how are you feeling?
Jade entered the room after Noah left to shower; sitting on the edge of the bed naked, I pulled my legs up to my chest, trying to hold back the tears swelling in my eyes. Wiping them on my wrist, she pulls me to her body my words break up as I try to explain why I am sitting there, ready to sob my heart out after Noah left.
"Don't try to tell me you are okay. I can tell you are not between your choppy breathing and watery eyes. Something has happened. You know I won't quit asking until you tell me."
"Condom broke. Jadey. I am so scared. What if I get pregnant?"
"Oh, shit. Cat, I know how stressful it can become when the condom breaks or slips off, but luckily, you can still do something to prevent pregnancy. Emergency Contraception, like the morning-after pill, can help prevent an unwanted pregnancy. You must take it fast though you only have five days."
"Where do I get one of them?"
"I have one with me; you can have it."
"Thanks, Jadey. I don't know what I would do without you."
She smiles, planting a kiss on my head. "You would figure it all out, Cat. You're smart and resourceful. How was your first time with a guy, Cat?"
Laying my head on my legs, I feel the tears slip out with the force of a lion stampede. Jade rubs my back gently. "I thought being with a guy would help me, Jade."
"Help you how, Cat?"
"Help me become more normal."
"Cat, you are normal." "No, Jade. I'm not. How can I be normal when I have such intense feelings towards the same gender? I thought sleeping with a guy would validate my feelings as a curiosity or a phrase. But sleeping with Noah only made me understand I don't like guys that way, and I don't think I ever will or could; it hurt, and I didn't feel anything towards him. I mean, he was so sweet and tried to be gentle, but it hurt badly."
"My body reacted, but inside I felt disgusted. I hate the fact that I was so scared of being a lesbian, of being different, that I had to do it with a guy to know that I am not interested in men romantically or sexually and that I don't want to date one, make love to one or marry one EVER."
"Cat, I don't think you should feel ashamed. You did it during a phase where you were still discovering yourself, and those types of things happen; yeah, it just happens. Your feelings are valid; I am sorry people are making you feel you should be ashamed to be a lesbian; there's no shame in it. I'm sorry you feel so bad about your choice, everyone has a slightly different definition of sex, and many people define it based on the specific sexual act performed, but you can also define it based on how it makes you feel. Many lesbians have similar experiences in that they thought they were attracted to men because of toxic heteronomy. I slept with Beck because of the same fears and confusion; and because I love him. It's taken me two years to become comfortable knowing who I am sexually and accepting myself. I don't advertise that I consider myself pansexual, but I don't hide it either. I know that sexuality is fluid. I know people who have slept with guys and then later identified as a lesbian, and they are still valid as lesbians!"
"Cat, losing your virginity is a big deal, and while losing it can be exciting if you aren't ready to deal with the consequences, it's normal to feel anxious afraid, or feel regret. It's hard to know what sex will feel like simply by sex education, reading articles, or talking about sex to your friends; you must feel the action. None of us know how we truly feel until after we do it, and some of us have regrets."
"I don't regret losing my virginity to you, Jade. Just sleeping with Noah."
"Cat, it's okay to feel this way; the idea of virginity is deeply personal — it's up to you to define it for yourself, and there is no wrong definition. Society often uses it as a measure of someone's worth or virtue. You must erase that definition from your mind and remind yourself you are worth more than your virginity."
"Tha-thanks, Jade, for taking the time to talk to me. I am still confused, but I feel less alone and scared."
"You are welcome, Cat. I wish I had known when I was fourteen that talking about my virginity with Beck didn't have to be awkward if I didn't want it to be. I was the one feeling uncomfortable with my virginity, not Beck. He didn't want to talk about it only wanted to get it done. I didn't have anyone I could talk to back then to tell me I didn't have to sleep with him, and I could say no, or share my feelings afterward. So, I kept it all bottled up, which ate me up for a long time. Don't be scared; just be honest with me or the person you want to be sexual with. It will all work out, honey."
"It took me almost two years to know that penis-in-vagina sex isn't the only way to lose your virginity.I wish I would've known that it wasn't necessary and that there are other ways to participate in sexy behavior without going all the way. I truly thought that was the only real 'representation' of sexuality when there were SO many others. All of them are as if not more enjoyable.
"You also should understand, Cat. Not all sex is super emotionally charged. It probably won't be special, especially as a teenager. Sometimes when people talk about your first time, like in movies and TV, they build it all up to become this magical moment with someone you are madly in love with. For me, it wasn't the case. I fell in love with Beck down the road, and sex only made me feel clingy and used, not loved. I wasn't expecting it to be mind-blowing, but I thought it would change me; I kept asking myself, was this it? It wasn't exciting or fulfilling. I expected to feel more adult, but after we did it, I felt more like a little girl who was scared and confused. I don't want this to be your path, so please talk to me whenever you feel the need. I want you to understand just because you didn't enjoy it with Noah doesn't mean you aren't bisexual or pansexual. Maybe he just wasn't the guy for you."
"Jade, I need to tell you something. Promise me you won't be mad."
"Cat. You can tell me anything."
"I think Robbie tried to rape me two years ago."
Jade becomes stiff and silent, pulling me closer. "We were playing pirates in his version. Whenever someone loses a battle, they must strip, and I couldn't seem to win against him; he pinned me against the floor and crawled on top of me. It was a stark room; Robbie was grabbing my wrist. I remember his small bony hands and thinking, 'Goddammit, he's so weak, and he's still 'winning' physically.
How?
"He was trying to cover my mouth and rip my clothes off. I remember hearing screaming from my mouth, but that doesn't directly align with visual memory; it's more like a feeling of remembering. His hands groped me all over my body. His mouth forced upon mine, pressing my lips to open. The feeling of wanting to gag but being too scared of what he would do if I did vomit. The pressure of him trying to do something bad to me down in my southern region and being frustrated because he couldn't get it up, I didn't know what he meant when he said that back then, but now I understand. He only failed, Jade, because you called my name. Robbie cursed as he scrambled to get up. He threatened me, Jadey. "Don't tell anyone about this, Cat; remember, you lost the game, and you pay the price. It's our secret game and no one else."
"I'll kill him." She whispers, scaring me with the venom in her voice. "Please don't, Jade. I don't want anyone to know about this, ever. I am already so ashamed I let myself get into a situation where he could take advantage of me."
"Cat, listen to me. This isn't your fault. No woman asks to be assaulted; it is never your fault when a guy refuses to listen to you. I am so sorry you didn't feel you could talk to me. If you didn't think you could come to me, I failed you as a friend."
"Jade. You saved me. He would have completed the rape if you hadn't called me."
"Someone needs to know about this Cat; I know you feel ashamed and scared he'll hurt you, but if you don't tell someone, he will hurt someone, and I know you'll feel worse because you stayed silent."
"Who do I tell? My parents will kill me, Jade."
"No, they won't because I will be there with you, Cat. This isn't your fault, and if anyone tries to twist it to make it your fault, they will answer me. We can talk to my cousin Amanda and her boss, Olivia. They deal with rape/assault victims always; if anyone knows what to do, they will."
"You mean Noah's mother? How can I look her in the eyes and tell her about my assault when I slept with her son?"
"It won't be easy, Cat, but remember Noah consented. You did not consent to what Robbie did to you, and Noah never has to be mentioned. Let's get a warm bath, babe; it will help your soreness. We need to get going."
We soak in the warm water for a while, which feels fantastic. I feel myself relax in her embrace. Cher is playing on the stereo body to body, heart to heart. It's exactly how I feel about Jade. Gently, after twenty minutes or so, Jade washes my sensitive areas. "Will Noah hate me, Jade?" "Why would he, Cat?" "Because I think he likes me, and I don't like him that way." "I can't answer for Noah, Cat. He's young, and we were his first experiences with sex so he may feel some way. The best thing you can be is honest; if Noah hates you afterward, it's his feelings to work out his right to feel how he feels. You can't change how he feels, only how you project yourself. Be gentle, firm, and loving but point blank, make sure he knows you didn't intend to use him."
"Wasn't I?"
"Only you can answer that question, Cat."
"I'm confused." "It's okay to be confused. Matters of the heart take time. It's one of the reasons teens are too young to have sex; this shit is hard enough as a grown-up. We never listen, though, do we?"
"Did we ever really have a chance, Jade? Our parents screwed us up royally."
"Yeah, they did, Cat, which is why we need to depend on each other." Getting out of the shower, we dress and help each other with doing makeup and our hair. "Here's the pill I was talking about, Cat." Jade hands me the pill and a cup of water. I take it quickly, swallowing it with one sip. "Thanks, Jade. How effective are they?" "About 94% of preventing unwanted pregnancy; I took them before, but, Cat, these aren't to be used as an alternative to birth control. The morning-after pill doesn't prevent pregnancy as well as other types of birth control like the IUD, implant, pill, shot, ring, or condoms."
"I promise, Jade, I won't stop taking birth control. It's the only thing that keeps my period away and those damn symptoms from killing me, and I will always use a condom. Thanks for giving me the last of your pills. These can't be cheap."
"They aren't, and you're welcome; anything for you, Cat."
"You gave her your last pill, Jade? Did you take one yourself?"
Noah's voice sounds small and scared, like a ten-year-old kid whose puppy was just run over. I glance between him and Jade. "Why would you need one, Jade? He used protection when you two had sex, right?"
Noah answers for Jade, who hangs her head down, sighing. "The condom slipped off when we were having sex. I-I, ugh…" Noah stutters, unable to look up at Jade. His cheeks filled with color, a bright red burning shame. "He came too early before he could pull out, and I didn't know the condom had slipped off till after he pulled out."
"Jade! What will you do if you don't have any more pills left? Why did you give it to me?"
She kissed the top of my head. "Because you are so scared, Cat, and I know the chances of you are getting pregnant are higher than they are for me with all the Chemo I have had in my past pregnancy is unlikely for me. I'll figure something out tomorrow. I can handle whatever happens, but I don't want you to worry about pregnancy."
"What about me? My mom will kill me if I become a father at fourteen! What will I do if you are pregnant, Jade? Oh, God, I feel sick!"
"Noah, relax. I've had sex a lot, and I've never gotten pregnant yet; as I said, it's doubtful I will get pregnant, and if I do, I promise you won't have to worry about your mom. I'll handle everything myself. Besides, you'll be in NYC, and I will be here. No way you would be impacted."
"Are you sure? That seems like a douche move to leave you to deal with something alone."
"It's my choice, Noah; there is no reason to worry. I promise everything will work out fine. It will be weeks before I can test. Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
"To turn back time and not give my virginity away. I was so stupid to have sex when I was only fourteen. My mom is right. I am too young to deal with any of this Ugh; I hate when my mom is right!"
"Yeah, at least you have a mom to be right, Noah. Mine died five years ago, and I have to go to her memorial service, speak to thousands of people, and pour my heart out about how her death has affected me these past five years. So, could you do me a favor? As much as you hate proving your mother right, both of you." She stares at Noah and me, equally challenging, as she applies blush to her sullen cheeks. Jade's eyes look lost and lonely. It breaks my heart. A tremendous amount of guilt overrides me all the times I've bitched about how my mom annoys me over these last five years when Jade's mom died, leaving her to deal with growing up alone and confused. "When you see your moms there tonight, count your blessings and give them a big hug, tell them you love them and thank them for being the best mothers they know how to be, as crappy as you may feel about their parenting styles at times, just b-b…b-e...e lucky you have them here to hug because I would give anything to hug my mother right now and tell her I love her."
My cell phone brings my attention away from Jade, and when I look down, I hear myself audible gasp seeing the message. I know what you did, and I am not the only one. Catarina, the keeper of secrets, looks like you have your own now. Don't you?
Alongside the message is a GIF of Jade and me in bed together, having sex. My heart drops reading the text under the GIF.
Too bad I am not so good at keeping secrets. Crossed me once, good for you, cross me twice, shame on me, betray me three times…strike you're out bitch. I'm coming home and looking to strike you out permanently. Watch your backs. You never know when the snake will strike.