Fandom: Victorious

Title: Point of View

Chapter Nineteen

Point of View: Amanda Rollins

I lost custody. I've lived with shame every day. My aunt was the one who rushed in to save Remi and bailed me out of jail. She gave me ultimate help or faced the consequences of my actions.

I chose rehab. I've been to rehab seven times since I was eighteen. The last time was when I nearly lost my job and my boys. Olivia Benson saved my life at that time. The second time my aunt kept me was when my superior officer raped me as a newly promoted detective in the Atlanta PD. I wanted to die. My aunt disclosed that she had been a victim of sexual assault several times throughout her career. "Amanda, you will walk through the valley of shame looking for your soul, only to lose your mind when you drink from the fountain of wine. Those demons will be with you through your entire life. Chasing you on the nip of your heels every time you think you are fine and on the road to recovery, one wolf will howl while the other sings. Some days are diamonds; some days are rough. Some days, you'll be tired, and some days tough. Some days walls will come down other days, those walls will shoot up higher than the great wall of China. You'll build bridges only to burn buildings down. One wolf soothes, alcohol will always be its call of comfort while the other stings recovery is never easy, but if you choose her, you choose to love. Our demons will always be on the hunt, but our angels teach us how to run. You must decide which path you want to live and how you will guide your kids."

"Why are we excerpts at beating up on ourselves, Aunt Caitlin? Why am I always looking for a ride and die? Why can't I be enough for myself? I can give myself freely without remorse, but why can't I allow others to present themselves to me? I'm like a Jedi level at self-sabotage voices make up my entourage. How often will I hurt myself to see if it's okay to love myself?

"You aren't alone, Amanda; even the richest, prettiest women in the world feel lonely and ugly when the lights go out, and they are alone with their thoughts, especially when we choose to feed our demons with substances that position our minds and darken our hearts."

My aunt showed me that as hard as recovery is, the rewards of staying sober are the sweetest success, better than revenge. My relationship with Remi has never recovered, mostly because I saw Edele's true colors. She lacks empathy for other people's problems or pain. She's so caught up in her world she doesn't view people as anything except objects to be stepped upon on her way up the social chain. She displays an element of arrogance which most people refer to her as cold-hearted. Edele not only feels as though she's superior to anyone with less money but also acts as if they are not even worth her time. She's raising our daughter to be a mini-version of herself, and it kills me. I've fought for custody every day since I got my life clean in 2015, but Edele's money and power beat me every time.

Raising my boys and Mazie takes time, patience, and money. I'm thankful to have the fantastic job I have now, but my heart breaks knowing my parent's addictions have followed Kim and I and have ruined our children's lives. When I look at Carson now, his eyes filled with fear watching Jade double over, I see what a kind, caring, intelligent young man he is becoming. It pains me to look across the lounge and see the pain in Kim's eyes, knowing she can't tell him how proud she is of him because he has no idea she is his mom. Carson looks at me, his eyes filled with worry. "It's okay, buddy. Let the paramedics do their jobs. Your aunt Shay and Gabby will take care of her baby boy."

Eight years have passed by so fast as Kim's battled her addictions passed down by our parents, and the life of her children have slipped in between her fingers; she's missed their first steps, their first words, graduation from kindergarten, their first talent shows. Does she even know how Carson shreds on the guitar? Or how beautifully Mazie jete across the stage?

Sure, if she's seen the reality show Mazie stars on along with ten other teen girls from the NYC area, she's seen it, but she's never experienced the sheer radiance this girl carries with her when performing. She's the spitting image of Caitlin. Today never more, so sometimes I look at Mazie, and I think Caitlin returned to me as my niece fitting since I am her niece.

"Cat, I am sorry. I know Remi has caused a lot of pain; if there were anything I could have done to prevent her from becoming this version of herself, I would have, but I can't change the past. All I can do is try to be a better cousin to Jade and help her honor her mother. I know you want to run to her and be by her side, but there's nothing you can do to help her inside; the paramedics will examine her, and if she needs medical help, they will take her to the hospital. What you can do to help Jade right now is entertain her guests and keep this celebration going."

"Fine, but I don't have to like it."

Cat huffs as she glides down to the lounge where celebrities are dining on catered meals by Tom Kerridge, a world-renowned fusion chef. His gastropubs, The Coach and The Hand and Flowers, have three Michelin Stars. Cat air kisses the first two women who greet her rock and roll legend Lisa Marie Presley and her mother, Priscilla, ex-wife of the kind of rock, Elvis Presley.

Sighing, I lean against my best friend and boss, Olivia Benson. "Hold tight, Amanda; it won't last forever. Youth is fleeting; she's hurt and scared. We lash out when hurt and scared, especially when youth is our wings."

"Thanks, Liv." "You're welcome." She wraps her arm around my waist as I close my eyes to breathe out. "Give me strength, Aunt Cait," I whisper.

"The body remembers, Amanda. When the mind is too tired to push on, your body will recall every dance and every song, and each song will invoke the feelings of youth. When the whole world was a fire under our feet, the sexy summer we danced on the water to our favorite songs, too drunk to remember water makes us sink. Our bodies will remember the way our feet swayed to that special beat with the woman we loved in our arms. The first glance made us weak in the knees. We got lost in her eyes, and our hearts stopped caring what we were heading for because being lost in her eyes was like being lost on the clouds of heaven."

Caitlin's words come back to me as I open my eyes to glance at Cat, whining and dining with the guests laughing at jokes, flipping around her hair and dancing, kissing them on their cheeks. All the while continually glancing at the sliding glass doors hoping Jade would come back out of them.

"Shit! Now I know why Cat is so aggressive." "Huh?" Olivia looks up at me in shock and confusion. "she's in love with Jade; how did I miss this? Why didn't Jade tell me?" "Amanda, they are young and growing up in a very different world than we did; they are letting the strings of their hearts lead their way. Did you tell your parents everything?"

"Fuck, No!" Olivia laughs. "So, why would you expect Jade to tell you everything? Especially when she's gotten too used to raising herself."

"Yeah, I don't like that, Liv, a teenager, shouldn't be in charge of raising herself. Money aside, there are too many choices and chances to screw it up. Even with the best parents by your side, kids will mess up; how can Jade understand that messing up is okay if she has no one? How can she know who to trust?"

"She learns by taking each knock-out as they come. The same way we all do, Amanda."

"Something isn't right, Olivia. I told Cat not to worry, but I was worried; she didn't look good up there. I promised my aunt I would look out for her children when she was dying. I've failed to make good on my promise to a dying woman. The last time I saw Jade looking this exhausted and pallid was when she was in the hospital fighting against her cancer. I know the signs of a body riddled with disease. I watched CJ fight it for his entire life."

The mention of my son invokes a visceral response. I jerk up in time to see him glance my way and offer me a nervous smile. Shifting my weight off Olivia's body, I force myself to smile. So, he knows mommy is here. Always by his side. I blow him a kiss, and he blows one back, unusual for a fourteen-year-old to show such displays of affection.

I may be doing something right. He turns to my mom, who is onstage, glancing to her left side at her best friend's daughter, Cat, and back to the house where Jade has been led to. My mom raises her eyes to meet mine, and in that instant, I know she knows what I know. The question is, does Aislin know her daughter is in love with her best friend? How would she react? If she is anything like my mom when she first discovered my sexuality, I can only hurt Cat and the journey she is about to endure if her secret ever comes out. It would be a thousand times worse for her because she's no ordinary girl. She's famous. When you're famous, everyone loves to hate you.

"CJ is up, Aunt Amanda." I glance down to see Liv's son Noah looking fondly at my son on stage. There's a look in his eyes, one I know all too well. Jesus Christ, when did these kids find the confidence to know themselves so young? It took me years of self-loathing, substance abuse, and meaningless sex to understand I am bisexual. Yet, Noah has a swagger and confidence in himself as he looks at CJ.

As a pre-teen in 1997, I remember standing next to my mom at the grocery store checkout and eyeing the magazines that flooded the racks alongside the candy and lip balm. Over time I saw the covers go from discussing what celebrities got haircuts to publicizing what stars were gay. While it felt comforting to know some of the most famous people of the time were also queer, they're coming out stories, sprawled on the covers of magazines, were hardly relatable. Their quotes about their identities were pasted over stylized photoshoots and giant houses, conveying the sort of lavish lifestyles that most queer people didn't, and still don't, have access to. It felt essential but also incredibly out of reach: a dream of what coming out could look like when you're rich and famous.

Over the past decade, as culture and technology's role within it shifted, social media has given us unprecedented access to the intimate lives of those we follow in a way a magazine feature never could. Today, we can learn about coming out stories in blurry, low-quality YouTube videos, shaky Instagram Stories, or TikToks as they sit next to their best friends, parents, or partners. Noah and CJ came out when they were eleven, a thought I could never have entertained growing up in a small southern town with bible-thumping parents, even if I had thought about my sexuality at eleven, which I wasn't. I was too busy beating the shit out of the boys on the playground for calling me long-legged Mandy.

While we like to pretend celebrities are just like us, we know they aren't," Social media influencers are often the polar opposite of stars… They are honest, accessible, and credible. It's how Noah and CJ explained it to me when they came out. These boys are part of a generation that blows my mind confident, self-expressive, liberal, upbeat, and open to change.

They are more ethnically and racially diverse than older adults. They're less religious, less likely to have served in the military, and are on track to become the most educated generation in American history. Watching CJ stroll towards the mic now, I see a confidence in him that I am jealous of. Even at forty-two, I can't possess this ease with speaking in front of thousands of people, but my fourteen-year-old son has made a career out of public speaking.

He's dynamic. Charismatic and funny. Where did this boy get his style from? It certainly was someone else.

"I'm not an actor like my cousin, Jade. My life, however, has been theatrical. I'm only fourteen, born on Dec 25th, 2009, in Atlanta, Georgia, at sunrise at 7:40 am to my beautiful Mama, Amanda Rollins. I was the second born after my handsome twin brother Aaron Jameson Reagan. Aaron was born weighing 23.03 ounces and seven pounds with huge cyan eyes, which instantly hooked my mama's heart. "You never know the depth of love until you give birth to your child." I have heard my mama's words thousands of times throughout my life. Pretty dramatic, huh?"

My son, the king of dramatic speeches, flashes his beautiful 1,000-watt smile to the crowd, creating a ripple of laughter and awe echoing through the thongs of gathers.

"See, I told you, drama. It started the minute I was born, or rather before my brother AJ will have you believe it was an act of jealousy on my part." "It was!" My son AJ pushes CJ aside jokingly, grabbing the mic. "This dude is so jealous of me; it's pathetic, man! I mean, I get it, bro. I have a certain swagger most boys long for and a charming smile all the girls love. I see you, Mika." AJ winks at a girl in the front row who I know he doesn't know, but the girl yelps and fans herself as AJ winks. "I mean, this dude is so lame he can't even get a date on his own. CJ discreetly follows me around whenever I'm hanging out with a girl. If she asks me, "Are you single?" he will jump out of the bushes and say, "No, I'm double." "It never works, bro. When will you get it? The ladies love me. Because I have the style, the class, and the sass."

CJ rolls his eyes. "Crass is not sass. It's straight trash, bro."

"I swear I didn't plan to steal our mama's heart; it just so happens she has actual taste, so she saw my sheer, radiant spirit and was instantly hooked to my charisma. To quote the queen, Cher." CJ starts to sing. "Love doesn't need a reason. She will pick you up and leave you bleeding. I've seen a strong man cry; I know the reason why. We all forgive, we all forget, and keep believing."

The crowd sways to the beat of the drummer Andre Harris as CJ sings and moves. The applause fuels his moves. "It's okay, AJ. I forgive your jealousy. After all, it must be exhausting trying to be funny when it comes naturally to me. I don't get jealous. I leave the judging to Jesus. The doctors called it an intracranial tumor. Fewer than one percent of tumors are rarely congenital, meaning they present at birth. See, I told you'll drama."

"My mom didn't know she carried Li-Fraumeni Syndrome. No one in our family had ever been diagnosed with it until my cousin Jade developed cancer at age six. Only a few months after AJ and I was born. People who are female at birth and have Li-Fraumeni syndrome have a nearly 100% chance of developing breast cancer. People with Li-Fraumeni syndrome have a 90% chance of developing one or more types of cancer in their lifetimes and a 50% chance of developing cancer before age 30."

"Medulloblastoma muh-dul-o-blas-TOE-muh- it sounds like a vocab word, huh" Well, it may be somewhere, but it is also a cancerous brain tumor that starts in the lower back part of the brain. This part of the brain is called the cerebellum. It is involved in muscle coordination, balance, and movement. The cells proliferate and can spread to other parts of the brain. Medulloblastoma cells spread through the fluid surrounding and protecting your brain and spinal cord. This is called cerebrospinal fluid. During labor, my mama's blood pressure elevated, which caused me distress and raised my intracranial pressure of ICP."

"See, he's the real heartbreaker here, not me. I'm the good twin!" AJ chimes in, dancing a little. Clapping his hands as he smiles at the audience. He was grabbing the mic from CJ, who sighed. AJ starts singing his own Cher song. "Everyone was watching; you were the freakiest thing on the show. Dazzle in your crystal ball; they only loved to watch it glow. You were the center of attention, the eye of the storm. A world win from outer space like a twister on the swing."

"See, CJ is the one who likes to steal the show. Because everyone here knows I am the dazzling twin, the one who is so enchanting the entire world has become Mesmerized when I dance cause I sparkle next to him."

I bury my head in between my hands, groaning. Olivia rubs my back. "What am I going to do with these two clowns, Olivia? Now that I can't drink."

"Ugh, so sorry for this clown. Mama tried to teach him manners; some dogs can't be taught new tricks. Back to me, AJ, get your act because it's my speech. I was born without a heartbeat. So doctors whisked me off to work on me and got my precious heart started again because even they knew AJ was too fragile to go through life without his twin, hence why Jesus created us together."

"Hey!" AJ cries, flipping his hair. 'Beautiful doesn't always mean fragile. Jealous much, short stuff?" AJ uses his hand to measure the height difference between him and CJ at three feet.

"No, why? We all know wherever we go, everyone will always know I am the better-looking one. You don't need height to see the difference in the photograph. Mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen me, you've seen AJ, and she doesn't want to scare people with your ugly mug."

"I was sneezing when they took the photo!" "Ugh, excuses, AJ." "You're an excuse, CJ!" "See, folks jealous!"

"Back to me again, folks. I've had over a hundred surgeries since I was born. Three cancers in addition to medulloblastoma, I've also battled osteosarcoma and acute myeloid leukemia. When I was seven, I was in and out of the hospital for broken bones. I'm an active little boy. My mom enrolled us in dance, acting classes, soccer, baseball, martial arts, and anything to keep us active and healthy. Help me develop coordination and balance because my tumor left me with poor coordination, unsteady balance, dizziness, and double vision. She thought the discipline of dance would help me. You know what, folks? Mama's always right."

"I love to dance when I love something; I go full force. I practice every day, and the moves aren't accessible; they take focus and determination. AJ loves to point out that I am smaller than most kids my age because Chemo stunted my growth. I have heart and spirit, though, so I kept going. I am a warrior. I ain't about to give up and let cancer win."

"By the time I turned seven, I was a national and regional champion five years straight. I've tried and loved every style of dance. Hip-hop, Tap, and Irish. Of course, I have my favorites. I don't stop rehearsing until I get something perfect."

"Perfection has a cost."

"My bone density led to my diagnosis of bone cancer."

"Eight rounds of Chemo between three cancers. Radiation four rounds. Bone grafting."

"Amputation of my right leg."

"Prosthesis, rehab."

"I've been through hell and back, but looking at me now, you would never know because when the lights go down, I become fire on the dance floor. When I wanted to quit, when my body and mind were pushed to their limits, or I was exhausted because I am growing up faster than my twin brother-the older one- as he likes to remind me it's draining to mature faster because I've had to, unlike AJ who got to be a normal child attend school, and dance classes with his only real worry being a missed homework assignment because mama never punished him for anything she was too bust worrying over me."

"I was watching friends die and worrying about my future. Would I be able to dance again without my leg? Would my hair grow back, and what color would it grow back this time? Did I do something to cause my cancer? Would I be alone when I was sick and hurting? Who would be with me when mama and daddy were working? Who would I talk to when I couldn't worry my parents, who were already so stressed?"

"Mama always reminds me, Rollins and Reagans, we ain't quitters. When I am exhausted and ready to quit, I turn to my mama or my cousin Jade; she's been a huge inspiration. Even though we live miles apart in different states. We share so much in the common dance, music, cancer, crazy families, auditions, and rejections because, unlike AJ, who can run full speed on his own feet, we have to work harder, longer be smarter."

"I'm different than my friends and my brother. It's not fun being viewed as different when you are a child. I want to fit in and find my place inside my school walls. Where I spend so much time, but no matter how hard I try, I only find myself to be."

"Invisible."