Fandom: Victorious
Title: Point of View
Chapter Twenty-Three: When I Get There
Point of View: Jade West
As the moon rose, the graveyard of my ancestors transformed. The translucent light breathed life into the worn, faceless statues of praying children and winged angels. It smoothed away fissures and softened broken edges. In the moonlight, the gleaming black and white marble headstones shine proud, keeping to their duty even as time wore away the messages they bore. I sit among the tangled weeds between two spots—one stone sparkles a little brighter under the soft crescent moonlight.
Grey and black granite with a few simple words engraved upon its polished surface. Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend. Icon. A life that touched the hearts of others. Lives on Forever—Caitlin Ivy Ryan April 13th 1962-Dec 24th, 2018.
The spit next to hers is an empty plot. This space, beneath the statue of an angle with a child's hand playing the flute. How odd to sit here in the dewy grass, knowing I would never leave it again someday.
"Mom, I miss you." My voice is soft-spoken; finally, I can let my guard down. "Are you here? I can't tell anymore. Do angels watch over us after the ones we love leave us? Or is that just a myth? To make us feel more comfortable with the idea of death?"
There's no answer, of course. Because the dead don't speak to the living. Death is final. The voices of the dead are silenced. "I have some questions, Mom. Are you okay? Are you at peace? Your life was always so damn hectic when you were alive. I know now how lonely you must have been, so are you okay with friends or people you loved and lost? Are you and Princess Diana ruling heaven as only real queens know how to lead?"
I chuckle to myself, unable to get the image of my mother, the queen of Hollywood, ruling side by side with Diana, the People's Princess. "Are you two leading heaven's games? Is there a bar in heaven? I hope you can still get your Irish Whiskey."
"Can you see the sunsets and sunrises from heaven?"
"Do you think about Ryan and me? Do you miss us? We miss you so much. Are you proud of us? I'm trying so hard to be the woman you were trying to raise me to be; it's so hard, though, with all the pressure. Will you save me a place, Mom? I can't shake the feeling that my time is ending here on earth. I'm scared, Mom. I don't want to die. I've finally found someone who can love me through your point of view, and mom, oh, it's so beautiful."
"I think of you when I think about forever when Ryan tells a joke he thinks you would like, and I can't help but think how you would have told it with your offbeat Irish humor."
"Ryan, he's impressive, mom; he has your quick-witted timing, your fast furry feet, especially on the dance floor. Much braver than I am on most days. Ryan is growing into a fantastic young man, so bold. You would be such a proud mom; I'm, trying to raise him in the same light, and love you would have, but I know I will make mistakes. Are you watching me making them, guiding me through them?"
"Mom, can you send me some words of wisdom?"
"Jade?" Sniffling, I turn my head, bringing it up from my knees to face my cousin. CJ stands at the entrance to the memorial gardens—a thick heart-shaped wall of bushes and weeping willow trees. Inside, statues of angels and children at play are surrounded by vessels of beautiful roses. A beautiful water fountain gives the feeling of tranquility and a chilled breeze.
"Jade. I care about you. What Remi did was awful. What can I do to help? How can I make you feel better?"
"Sit with me, CJ."
"Sure, Jade. Do you want to talk?" I shake my head, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks. "What's the point anymore? I've been saying for years that my dad didn't love me, and no one ever listened. Why bother wasting my breath?"
"I'm not a grownup, Jade. I'll listen to you. Promise."
He opens his legs and motions for me to lay my head in his lap. Exhausted and feeling very nauseous, I lay my head down. CJ strokes my hair running his hand down my back. "I get it, Jade. You feel like you have the entire world's weight on your shoulders and no one to back you up. I used to feel this way as well when I had cancer. My mom was always so stressed, and my dad worked consistently back-to-back shifts so we could pay for my treatments and everything else we needed to live off."
"Who did you talk to, CJ? Cause I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I...I can't take anymore. I'm losing it, CJ!"
"Shh, I know you're upset, Jade. I can't tell you how to feel or why you shouldn't feel one way or another. When I used to get stressed, I turned to prayer. God listens, and God cares. I promise he is listening, and he does care."
"How do you know CJ? I've tried praying it seems like Jesus has turned his back on my prayers. I'm scared."
"I get it. I would be as well. Where will you go? Who will you live with if there's no other family for you? Will CPS get involved?"
"There's more for me to fear than only being homeless."
"You're afraid the cancer is back, Jade?"
"Yeah, I haven't been feeling well; and I know my body something isn't right. They can tell me it's pneumonia, but I know there's more. I'm so sick of being the sick kid. I wanted my high school years to be better, different."
"Faith, Jade. It's how I got through. When I felt like a day was rougher than it should be, I questioned why I was here instead of how. Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I would repeat this verse to myself."
"Romans 8:24-25 ~ For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we patiently wait for it. With Patience, we can achieve even the most impossible of things, like beating cancer three times each."
"Or my boyfriend cheating on me with my cousin, finding out I'm an orphan and homeless, having my deepest secrets spilled to the entire world. All in the same place."
"Yeah, like that."
"I'm tired of fighting, CJ."
"So, lay your head on my lap. Let me take away your troubles, even if only for a few moments, for the Lord has said. Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."
Discussing such things as heavy as death and cancer and my lying parents with CJ was as comforting as it was new. He rested a lovely hand on my shoulder as he joined my vigil. Closing my eyes, I try to allow my chest to relax, but nothing is working. Every time I close my eyes, I hear Remi's voice. The gasps of the crowds, see the moving Camera trying to capture my live reaction.
See the devastation on Cat's beautiful face as the tape is played. She didn't deserve to get caught up in Remi's grudge against me.
CJ's hands were rough and calloused, but his touch was light and opened the comforting energy flow between us.
"I wonder if heaven is as peaceful and beautiful as they tell us to believe it is."
CJ's arms wrap around me. He was holding me tightly. Tears coursing down to splash on his legs, rocking me back and forth. Stroking my hair as the stored tears continued to flow and the sobs wracked my body, robbing me of the ability to speak – barely allowing a breath to be drawn.
Fear clutched at my heart with cold fingers. Where would I go? Who would take care of Ryan and me, and would we be separated? Would my friends hate or fear me for keeping my status a secret?
"Help!" Remi's voice shrieks, causing me to look up as I see her racing into the memorial garden. "Jade! You have to help me!"
"Why would I help you? After everything you did to me, you little bitch!" Anger seized me; my fingers refused to move; I sat rigid for one long moment, the blood throbbing in my temples and all the hatred a child can feel concentrated in my heart. Every movement hurts and feels forced when I stand like my bones are on the verge of breaking.
Remi appears to feel genuine fear for the first time since she began her sick games. The emotion flickers through her sparkling eyes.
"Because he's going to kill…."
Almost immediately, the air erupted with a gunshot, and Remi's hands grabbed me, pulling me, tossing me in front of her. "Jade, get down!" CJ's voice calls out frantically. I'm not a stranger to experiencing syncope fainting spells; Cat has them in response to fear, injury, or emotional stress. I have them when my blood pressure drops or rises too suddenly.
I feel this spell coming on, but the feeling is amplified when CJ's hands connect hard with my back, and I see myself flying.
"CJ! Oh, my God. Sutton. What did you do? Jesus Christ, you shot my brother! CJ, answer me. CJ, get up!"
Remi's persistent yelling keeps me focused on fighting the dizziness which consumes me. My vision was distorted when I crawled over to where my cousin lay on the ground. Blood. I see tons of blood. Bright red blood seeps through a gaping hole inside his chest. He's losing too much blood too fast.
"Tell my mom. I-I love her, Jade. Please." CJ clutches my hand gasping as his eyes flinch. Pain racks his body.
As he was exhaling his last breath, he was struggling to live, trying to hang on to the lifeline that he had. My hand was his only connection to the living.
Desperate to help him, I scream and scream. I am ripping my shirt off my body to press it against his wound. "CJ, you have to hang on. Please, I can't lose you. CJ!"
"I'll tell you if heaven is as beautiful and peaceful as they say when I get there, Jade."
Sutton stops at the entrance, his eyes wide as he takes in the scene in front of him. Remi tries to run to hide behind the statue. Why she thinks they will protect her from the projection of a bullet is beyond me.
Bullets penetrate everything in their path, rip flesh from bodies, and shatter organs. Sutton's eyes are wild; he looks heavily intoxicated. He raises his right hand, the one holding the gun-waving it back and forth. "You bitch! You had my sister raped! You'll pay! You have to pay! Evil can not win! Evil needs to be destroyed. Everyone who does evil hates the light and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. I am exposing your evilness Remi. I am your judge and jury, and I will seek revenge. You will pay for having my sister raped. Consider this to be my redemption on her behalf!"
Sutton raises his gun; his eyes are stone-cold. I should be afraid, but I'm not. He would never hurt me. I'm Cat's best friend. My heart races through hearing him say she was raped. What is he talking about? Where is Cat? Is he referring to the challenge Remi issued? Why is he saying it like she was raped? She's perfect. Fine. Isn't she?
"Sutton, No! Please, don't…." Remi's pleas are cut short by Sutton firing the gun. I scream, burying my face in CJ's shoulder.
Struggling for a last breath, CJ whispered the first thing that came to mind. "Tell AJ he will find his own identity…."The pain threatened to cripple him again
"CJ, Shh, you can tell him yourself… another gunshot rings out. I don't look up. There's a sharp, piercing pain that suddenly slices my left calf. The pain threatened to cripple me. Looking down, I hear myself gasp as I see blood pouring out of my leg."
"You shot me!"
"Jade, I'm sorry. I can't have any witnesses left."
My body becomes lethargic as tiny black spots appear above my vision. Sutton takes off running as I hear voices calling out. "The shots came from over there! By the memorial Gardens!"
"Not if I get there first, cousin. Then I'll tell you."
I've lived with the idea of dying for so long; when you have cancer, you never allow yourself to dream about planning because every breath you take may be your last. After being declared in remission, I admitted for a while; the alternative freaked me out, a thought I only revealed once aloud to Cat. Her reply to me was the sweetest.
"You don't have to be afraid, Jade. I know Jesus has a plan for you because he made you. You're just beautiful. Effortlessly beautiful, like nature. You have the trinity of beauty: a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful soul, and only the beautiful ones are allowed to see the light after darkness. You are an old soul with young eyes, a vintage heart, and a beautiful mind. I plan to stay by your side and experience it with you because learning and leaning on the ones you love to experience together is the best part of this life. I love you, Jade. I'll always be with you."
Who will watch over Cat if I don't live through this wound?