Fandom: Victorious

Title: Point of View

Chapter 31: Queens Don't

Point of View: Cat Valentine

A/N: Warning for a trigger-sensitive topic of abortion.

I pull Jade closer as another cramp hits her. She was given mifepristone at the doctor's office a few hours ago, which blocks the body's progesterone, stopping the pregnancy from growing. Then the second medicine, misoprostol. This medicine causes cramping and bleeding to empty her uterus. It's like having a heavy, crampy period, and the process is very similar to an early miscarriage.

"Stay strong, sweetie. We are all here for you." Andre, AJ, Ryan, Rylee, Trina, Mazie, and Tori sit on the end of her bed; she's shaking her body is cold, so I wrap a blanket around her trembling form, watching as Amanda sits in a rocking chair knitting a sweater.

"Thank You." Her voice is strained. Laying her head on my chest, I stroke her hair. "My mom had an abortion before she got pregnant with me." Trina's voice is reserved. Tori snaps her head to look at her sister. "Yeah, we weren't supposed to know, Tori. I overheard a few years ago. She and our dad were in high school. They weren't finically secure, and their families refused to support them if they went through with teenage pregnancy. So, mom went to the clinic and had it done. I haven't stopped wondering since I overheard. What would it have been like to be a little sister? I know how annoying being a big sister is, but would I like to be someone's younger sister? Would we have a brother or an older sister who we both hated, or one of us loved more?"

"Maybe we wouldn't even exist, Trina."

"Huh?"

If mom and dad had a kid in high school, they might have broken up from the stress of being teenage parents. Maybe dad wouldn't have gone to the academy and never have become a cop; perhaps mom would be resentful and tired, so she didn't want any more kids."

"I never thought of it that way, Tor."

"Yeah, I mean, it makes sense the children of teenage mothers are more likely to have lower school achievement and to drop out of high school, have more health problems, be incarcerated at some time during adolescence, give birth as a teenager, and face unemployment as a young adult."

"Pregnancy and birth significantly contribute to high school dropout rates among girls. Only about 50% of teen mothers receive a high school diploma by 22 years, whereas approximately 90% of women who do not give birth during adolescence graduate from high school."

"Mom was always a bigger dreamer, so it makes sense that she chose abortion. I don't know if I could do it; honestly, I can see myself being a mother even early in life. I want to go to college and have a successful career, but it's possible to do both, not to become a statistic."

Tori is almost wistful as she twirls her hair around her fingers. "Figures you would think so, Tori, Christ, you've had your life planned out since you were three." Trina laughs, tossing popcorn at her sister. "Hey, don't hate the planner. When your life derails, it will cause you to be a hot mess."

"You called me hot! See, you do love me! Let's face it I am the hottest one here." Trina flips her hair, making us all laugh. Even Jade, who lets out a deep sigh as another cramp hits her, snuggles closer to my body, lying on her right side.

"You will be grateful that your little sister has the plan to save the day. Your little girls will be looking to their auntie Tori to guide them when you are too busy trying to become the next Jennifer Lawrence." "Oh, honey, I am better than Jennifer, who, I am pure J-Lo, yeah baby! Look at me shaking my ass! Oh, yeah, smack that baby!" Trina twists her hips and twerks, holding her arms up and making us all laugh.

"Nah, I see Shakira!" Andre calls out, wiggling his arms and hips as Tori gasps, hitting him. "don't hit on my sister!"

"Oh, yeah, I can do her!" Trina starts to sing off-key, making all our ears hurt.

"Whenever, wherever

We're meant to be together

I'll be there, and you'll be near

And that's the deal, my dear

There over, hereunder

You'll never have to wonder

We can always play by ear

But that's the deal, my dear."

"I think I will name my daughter Shakira; I love the sound of that name." Trina swishes her hair back and forth as she dances on her knees. "Ph, Lord, please, Trina. Shakira, that's like me naming my kid J-Lo."

"I already know what I will name my daughter, Amelia; it means industrious, striving."

Trina is no longer listening. She's jumped off the bed, swinging her arms and legs in some funky chicken neck dance. Her chin bops up and down as she screeches the lyrics to J-Lo's on the floor.

"If you go hard, you gotta get on the floor

If you're a party freak, then step on the floor

If you're an animal, then tear up the floor

Break a sweat on the floor

Yeah, we work on the floor."

Amanda looks horrified. "Cat, have you ever thought about what your kids would look like? I mean, before you know." I arch an eyebrow in her direction. "Before I got knocked up, you mean?" she nods. "Yeah, I have."

"I pictured myself having a little girl. Maeve, because I love being a girl, and we rule. I pictured Jade having two boys, Lorcan and Cashel. Lorcan is Irish for the dark one."

"Oh, that fits Jade perfectly." She flips off Andre moaning, rubbing her stomach. "Cashel means castle or fortress." "What does Maeve mean?" "Intoxicating." "I bet you had their entire futures planned out, Cat."

I smile. "Yeah. Lorcan and Maeve are best friends of the same age; they love to dance, whisper together, give each other valentine's day cards, and learn instruments together. They make an unbeatable dance team on the floor."

"Cashel is a basketball player, a total All-American boy who plays football QB, dates pretty girls but is respectful. I pictured Jade playing basketball with her sons and teaching them how to dance."

"I see Lorcan taking Maeve to prom, telling her how beautiful she is and how he feels so lucky to have her in his arms. I see myself walking her down the aisle because, for some reason, in my dreams, I never saw myself with a man."

I fell silent for a few minutes, wondering if my dreams had a deeper meaning. Did, on some level, I always know I was a lesbian or that I would get pregnant young? The road feels so endless, and my legs feel so weak. I place my hand on my stomach. Do I feel a flutter, or am I hungry? Is there life in there already? Can I make the same choice Jade is making?

Amanda comes over and places a heating pad on Jade's stomach as a wave of pain hits her so hard she cries out, startling all of us. "Shh lay back. It's okay." Amanda strokes her face softly. Hearing Jade cry out makes me tense. She looks like a fading flower. Her color is seeping out of her face, and her eyes look shiny and scared.

"You got this, Jade. My pride, my joy, my baby. I know this sucks, but you are doing what you must for your future. Without you, there would be no baby; it's your choice. I will be your voice when you can't find your voice." I whisper, leaning down to kiss her face, which feels very warm.

I know my friends are talking. I can hear their voices, but I am lost in my imagination, hearing Cashel calling out to Jade. "Mommy, can you find me? Peek-a-boo!' his laughter fills my mind. How can I hear his voice when he's never been given one? "mommy, who do you think I will be when I grow up to be big and strong like you? Will I be a firefighter? A wrestler? Or a pro-ball player? I'm faster than a bee; watch my knees see my swish. My ball gets nuthin but net, mommy!"

These thoughts are killing me. Pulling my knees to my chest, I let a few tears slip, watching as Jade's body slumps into the covers, trembling. She's not with us mentally anymore. The pain is so bad she's incoherent. All our friends have become quiet. We gather around her taking her hands or rubbing her legs. Suddenly she shoots up and gags; Amanda is ready, grabbing the trash can and holding it for her while Trina has her hair and Tori and I rub Jade's back. She vomits, coughs, and gags heaving as her stomach empties.

After around ten minutes, she finishes. Amanda wipes her mouth and helps her to lie back down. She falls asleep almost immediately. I lay beside her, wrapping my arms around her, wishing I could take all of this away. When I closed my eyes, I saw my little girl running up a large green hill holding the hands of two little boys. It was honestly surreal.

Her laughter rings out as she twirls around her red hair flying as her feet stomp in the puddles. "Watch me, mommy!" "Follow me, boys! I know a place where no one cries! I know a place where no kids feel lost! There are puppies and rainbows!"

"Do they have basketballs?" Cashel clasps, asking excitedly. Maeve turns to him with a big grin on her face. "Do they have basketballs? Are you kidding me? They have machines that crank basketballs out faster than any NBA player can get them through the net."

"Yay! Take me there, Maeve! Where are we going?"

"A place so beautiful you can't tell anyone; hey, there's our guides now." Maeve waves to two figures which slowly emerge.

"Tell me, Maeve!" "Yeah, tell us, Maeve!" Lorcan and Cashel chant as Maeve giggles waving to their guide. "We're going to heaven, boys, because we are a story that will always be untold. CJ! Aunt Caitlin. Thanks for meeting us."

I shoot up, breathing heavily, nearly throwing up myself. Tori comes to my side as my chest heaves, and tears fall. The dream felt so natural. The boys looked innocent, like Jade, her eyes, cheeks, and the girl with the long red hair. They've never taken a breath here on earth.

They are a song unsung, a melody left unwritten, a dream I dreamed. A baby born in heaven instead of here on earth, Cashel or Lorcan, will never get to know their earthy name. Still, he is so handsome, his sense of style is so unique, he's an intelligent boy, a funny boy fast on his feet. I can see his little hands bouncing that basketball and dancing to unheard melodies.

Tori's arms wrap around me as I grab her tightly. She doesn't ask what's wrong and holds me. Amanda sits on the bed with us and grabs the nail polish. "Enough with the heaviness. Let's paint each other's nails."

"Oh, cool, I want blue!" Andre picks up the bottle. I laugh, feeling grateful Andre would willingly paint his nails to help me heal. "oh, vibrant rainbow! Perfect for Jade!" "Andre, don't you dare. She'll murder you when she wakes up!"

Amanda presses a button on a remote. "Alexa, play Queens Don't by Raelyn."

Tori shakes a bottle of silvery pink and starts to paint my nails. "Cat, I know you are scared, but things will work out. You know why?" I shake my head. Tori starts to sing loudly. "Cause you are a queen, and queens don't let no one take them off their thrones. We conquer all our stresses. We turn my pain into power. Every tear's a diamond on our cheeks. Queens don't fake."

Laughing, Trina, Amanda, and I all clap and sway our hips, joining her in singing out loud; even Andre gets into it, waving his newly polished blue nails into the air to dry. Rylee and Ryan are so into it they are up on their feet doing some western line dancing.

"Queens don't hate; queens don't fight.

Queens don't stay unless their king treats them right, oh

Every jewel on my crown, you better believe I earned it

Won't keep people around that don't believe I deserve it

No, queens aren't fake

A queen's going to rule just the way she was made, oh

I'm not about to let nobody come and take me off this throne

Some girls might, but queens don't."

The night passes quickly for me as I end up dancing with my friends, eating pizza, and singing, having fun for the first time in months. I am starting to feel more alive with each passing day.

Jade wakes up several times in the middle of the night, so Amanda and I take turns helping her into the bathroom. She's weak and shaky, colorless, and breathing harder each time. I have difficulty looking into the toilet each time she pees. Little glops of blood clots and tissue swirled into the bathroom. Little glops were the body and blood of a baby who would never get to breathe life.

I have to remind myself her choice doesn't have to be my choice. Laying a hand on my stomach, I wonder once again if this baby isn't Noah's, can I have the baby of my rapist? Why can't you, Cat? A voice calls out to me, but it's not Jade, Amanda, or any of my friends. So, who the hell is talking to me? I look around, but everyone is sleeping. It's past midnight. A wind blows in from the window.

"You are a queen, baby. Queens don't break; they get stronger.

There ain't nothing they can't conquer."