Fandom: Victorious

Title: Point of View

Chapter 32: Tattoo

Point of View: Amanda Rollins

June 2023

"Ah, to be back in the city that I love!" AJ spins around on his heels, laughing. Watching my son dance down the sidewalks of New York City fills me with various emotions.

I watch AJ as he takes Mazie's hands and twirls her around. I

feel him here. In the city he and his brother loved. To them, labels don't matter, cousins, siblings. All they feel is love for each other; most days, days, they want to kill each other.

I can't forget him because I will never allow myself to ignore him. AJ won't forget him, either. Right after, I had to tell him that his brother had been murdered and died and that he would have to grow up without CJ, his twin, by his side. He hugged me and spoke. "Mom, we must live every moment to the full," he said, "because CJ can't." And so I committed, then and there, to live every moment to the full. It's been a guiding light for me.

There's never an easy path when someone you love dies. I find myself accommodating on most days. Not getting over, moving beyond, or turning the page – all of which sounded wrong to me, almost disloyal—but accommodating. It sounded strange to say, but it felt right.

It's easy when you are living life from moment to moment to take the ones you love for granted, say you'll make that phone call or read that email later in bed, and days pass by before you remember. You dust things off because there's always tomorrow.

Except sometimes tomorrow doesn't come. How do you tell yourself it's okay when you blew all the opportunities to tell someone how you felt? You can't. There are no excuses, just regrets, and they are horrible to live with, so you find ways to cope.

It's a catastrophe. Disgusting. Awful. Life-changing and unfair. But I'm still here; the world doesn't stop turning just because I lost my son.

Mazie stands beside me as we walk down fifth avenue; her stride matches mine. "Mom." "Yeah, baby?" "Do you regret quitting so quickly? You and aunt Liv were so close for so long, and it took so much work to get there. Don't you miss her?"

"Yeah, Mazie, I do very much, but pride is a funny thing hard to swallow."

"You were wrong to snap at her mom; when we do something we know is wrong, you always tell us we should apologize to the person we offended and explain why we did what we did. Aunt Liv would understand you were hurting. CJ had just died, and you were introverting into yourself doing what you do best working. In this case, to catch the creep who murdered your son. It's not like Aunt Liv can't understand when Noah was kidnapped; she went a little looney tunes crazy and had to be told several times to stand down. You had her back then, Mom. Maybe try letting her have yours now. Starting with saying I am sorry."

"Flowers are good for that, mom! Worked with Sophia, Laura, Maria, and Lacey." "Jesus, son, how many girls did you piss off?" AJ sighs, hanging his head. "Too many, mom. It's tough being this cute."

"I sense a teen pregnancy in his future, Amanda." Cat coughs, "shut up." We cross the street to get to Noah's school. I can hear the bell ringing as we approach. I watch as Jade and Cat take in the city I have called home for nearly twelve years.

It's a city that is always fucking crowded and brightly colorful except for the parts which are so poorly lit they look forgotten by time. Teenagers jump on boards as school lets out, skating over railings, curbs, and cars and racing to meet friends screaming out in happiness.

Adults are hurrying by on cellphones, walking dogs rushing to meetings or the subway. This city is forever smelly and dirty but filled with unmatched energy.

Exciting at times and even more frustrating at times, like when you made the dumb-ass choice to move to Brooklyn because it's cheaper, less noisy, and less expensive, but you work in Manhattan and have three kids to get up and to school by seven, and you're due at eight. Traffic is never-ending, makes you feel like you are swimming in an ocean without knowing how to swim, and you drown slowly a little more each day.

Sexy

Fascinating

Shallow

Deep

Contradictory

So many words, and none of them do the city of NYC justice. I've Lived here most of my adult life. Sometimes, I can't wait to leave, and other times I can't imagine anywhere else. Even now, while living in Los Angeles, I still consider New York City my home.

"Do you think Noah will be okay?"

"Oh, I think he's going to lose his fucking marbles, Cat."

"What about his mom?" "Oh, Olivia? She'll shit fucking marbles."

"Great, so why are we here?" "Because, my dear, Noah is your baby's father, and he needs to step up and take responsibility for his part in creating this amazing life." Cat rubs her extended stomach.

"Jade, how are you holding up?" Her breathing worries me. She looks paler than usual, and her steps are slow and painful.

"As best as I can be, I guess."

Cat has her arm wrapped around Jade's waist. It's cute to see them together. "Do you need to stop?" "No, we're close, I assume." "Yeah, his school's right here; he usually comes out of this exit. So, let's wait on the bench." We help Cat to sit down. "Amanda." "Yeah, Cat?" "I wonder, did the police ever figure out who sent those text messages?"

"No, we thought it was Remi; it wasn't. We cleared her, and we cleared Kayla. They should have checked more leads but now, with Sutton on the run. All the focus has been on him. Why?"

"Because I just got another one." She shows me her cell phone, which I swipe to open the message.

Tell me, who is the crazy one now bitch? You had an easy out with an abortion method, but you chose to keep this bastard child. I promise you'll regret this choice. You didn't learn from my previous messages, did you? I warned Jade; you sink into temptation, you burn in hell.

"I'll have Fin run this through your cell phone provider see if we can trace who sent this message."

"Noah!" AJ and Mazie yell as the doors burst open and the kids pour out. Noah grins as he sees them waving. "Oh, my god, what are you doing here?" the three of them rush to each other, but we sit on the bench watching as they hug and dance happily to see each other.

"Amanda?" the sound of Olivia's voice makes me cringe. Crap, I wasn't excepting her to be here. She hasn't picked Noah up from school since he was twelve. Rising slowly, I let out a deep breath. "Hey, Liv. Been a minute, huh?"

"Seriously, Amanda, it's been a minute? That's all you have to say after you quit on me and call me a bitch?" Yup, pride is a nasty bitch to swallow. "Can we, um, talk?" "I need to get Noah home; he's grounded and thinks he can be a smart ass and try to sneak out of his punishment."

"Yeah, um, respect totally, but it's been a while since they've seen each other; life hasn't been easy for Mazie or AJ adjusting to LA schools. Think we can give them a bit?" Olivia looks at them and nods.

"Liv, I am sorry. I reacted rashly, and it wasn't professional or even very grownup. I could say a bunch of shitty excuses like my son just died, or my cousin was shot and barely clinging to life, but that's all they are excuses. There was no good reason for me to react the way I did. Time is precious, so let me get my head out of my ass and say I fucked it up. I truly fucked up this time."

"You were my boss, and I showed you no respect for your authority. You had every right to pull me off the case, and you knew me well enough to know mentally I wasn't able to focus on the facts because my heart was acting out of rage and pain."

Just one look from Olivia's substantial brown eyes is enough to make me weak. I force myself to look into her eyes; grownups don't look down when they apologize. You look into the person's eyes and acknowledge the pain you caused. Take in their reaction because their emotions deserve their time in the spotlight.

Just look up. Swallow your pride and repeat, yes, I am about to die a thousand shameful deaths of embarrassment, but it's okay because, in the end, if you both speak your minds and clear the air, it can lead to sweeter breaths.

"CJ was pride; I know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but he was special to me. He fought so hard to live, beating many odds all his life. Living without him seemed impossible. It's driven me mad."

"Amanda, I can never know what it's like to lose a child. So, I could never judge you. I have learned from past trauma that we all must be our ships' captains. You have permission to do anything that makes your life better. In the past, you might have worried about hurting someone's feelings, but Amanda, pain needs to be spoken. You said what was on your mind. As ugly as it was, it needed to be said; I won't say it didn't hurt cause it did. A lot."

"Noah, he said something to me a few weeks later, though, which struck me. He said to celebrate, cry, scream, pound your fists against the wall, Mom. Whatever it takes to get you through the day because, in the end, all we have is each moment; the next moment is promised there is no use wasting energy on keeping our emotions hidden. For a while, I was mad. I cried a lot. So did Noah. Then one day, he said to me, mom, look up. We were passing Radio City Music Hall, and we saw a marquee advertising a new Broadway Musical someone wrote a musical about your boy, Amanda. The young actor whose face appears on the billboard, my god, he looks just like CJ."

"Rising against all odds again, your boy knows no boundaries; even heaven can't keep him down. CJ has haunted every memory since I came back here. I have thought of you every second of each day. We didn't have any proper goodbyes; each night has been all bad for me since I came home because I keep thinking I've been a horrible friend. I should have called to check on you.

My pride put out the fire in my flames; part of me keeps saying you needed to make the first move because I know how stubborn you are when you are in your feelings. Another aspect of me was communicating. Open your eyes, Olivia; your friend needs you to get over your fucking pride and make the first move."

"Make Amanda see you love her and you forgive her. You understand she was hurting, and she didn't mean anything she said, but I couldn't pick up the phone. All the bridges people burned with me, some of those ashes still linger inside my heart and mind making it hard to forgive and trust.

Olivia steps closer to me and touches my shoulder. She's five inches taller than I am, so I stare at her chest. It's a beautiful view—no complaints from me. I was standing still with only a few inches between us. I feel my heart race in excitement.

"Can you forgive me or learn to trust me again, Liv? Please. I am sorry; I never meant to hurt you. I value our friendship too much, and some days it felt too much to conquer this shame and tear down my walls of pride. CJ would tell me to get over myself."

We both laugh a little. "It's not so easy to do some days. I've felt so alone these past few months. I mean, even with a house filled with teens without another grownup to talk shit with, it feels impossible. I burned our friendship, and I wasn't sure how to get it back. Don't make me get on my knees, please. We both know I will never be able to get back up with my arthritis."

She laughs and leans down. Her cinnamon coffee breath tickles my nostrils; I find myself staring into her eyes, so soft and wonderful. "I can forgive, Amanda, and for the record. I never stopped trusting you."

Our noses accidentally bump. We look at each other and laugh. I feel a warmth spread through my cheeks; shit, do I close my eyes? Is she looking at me? What's happening? Ahh! Is she about to kiss me?

"I'd like to kiss you, Amanda." I smile and pull her closer; my heart beats faster as Olivia's tanned face lowers to meet my lips. I knew that if I could ever kiss this woman, it would be the stuff dreams were made of or some corny metaphorical shit like that. I waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning heart inside my chest that had been struck upon a star in 1999 when I first heard her speak on TV. Olivia's lips meet mine. At her lips' touch, I felt like a rabbit hopping through the sunflower fields of Georgia.

Olivia is light on her make-up; looking up at her beautifully sunlit gorgeous face, I see her smile melt like liquid, wavy sandy-brown hair falling past her shoulders, and sparkling brown eyes. I couldn't believe a person could be that attractive; and that I had just had the most fantastic tender kiss with a woman this beautiful.

Neither of us knows what to say, but we're both blushing. I can see hers and feel mine as a round of applause rings out. A few kids even whistle.

"So, Amanda, what brings you back to New York City anyway? Surely, it wasn't only for this. I see Cat's pregnant. May I ask, is the father the boy who raped her?"

Jesus Christ, what way to ruin a perfect moment? "No, it's Noah. Olivia, I think we need to talk with your son."

"NOAH GOT A GIRL PREGNANT!" Olivia screams as all the heads turn our way. I see Noah completely white-faced, shaking, turning slowly to Cat, his eyes taking in her extended belly. "I did that to you?" "Well, I didn't do it to myself, Noah."

"Oh, God. My mom is going to kill me!"

"Noah Porter Benson, get your ass over here right now! We need to talk!" Noah throws his bookbag down and hauls ass off the school grounds pushing past people screaming. "HELP SHE' S GOING TO MURDER ME! Someone help me, please! I'm too young to die!"

Olivia and I take off after Noah, one on each side of him. There's a reason people call her badass Benson. Damn, he's a fast kid, though. 'Hold tight,' I tell myself, baring my teeth. The horns are an angry banshee clan wailing as we chase Noah through the sidewalks and onto the streets of New York City, dodging in between moving traffic across the intersection, traffic from left and right braking hard. A red Mazda dented the back of a blue Sedan. A motorcycle slewed on the slippery road. But we were across. Noah is still ahead, yet fully aware of the demons pursuing him. "Stop running resistance is futile!"

Noah refuses to look back down, but I can smell the fear oozing out of his armpits. He's only a few inches in front of me now. Teenage boys stink, man. He has no chance to outrun me. I was a track star in my high school days, and I chase grown-ass men twice his size as living.

The screeching of a car doesn't even phase me. It's New York. Maybe this is why they say we are a jaded bunch because one should never hear a car screech up beside them and not pay attention.

The sound of Noah screaming pulls my attention upwards. As I look up, I see Sutton jumping out of a moving car, his hands grabbing at Noah.

"You knocked up my sister, you little bastard. I don't care if I am caught. Ending your miserable life will be worth it."

In an instant, I feel a rush of love and fear grip me as I throw myself on top of Noah. Love will always win. The sound following deafens me; multiple gunshots ring out, sharp piercing startles me. I look down in shock and see blood pooling out in my abdomen. My back hits the ground hard; people are screaming around me, feet moving fast to get out of the way. I try to push myself up, but my arms have no strength. I am breathing too hard; I can't move.

I'm numb and wet. My hands move to cover my stomach. It hits me. I've been shot; it's not the first time I have been shot. You pay a heavy price to live a life of service and duty.

The adrenaline slows down, and the pain explodes like a bomb inside my stomach. I feel the pulse in the gushing wound, and every beat of my pulse will be like a hammer banging on the damage. I'm not panicking. Why am I not panicking? I've been shot, and the pain increases my breathing, making it irregular sweat pours down my face.

"Help!" I want to yell but can't form words; I can't swallow or see straight. My vision is blurry; the pain spreads to my chest. "Officer down! Officer Down! Suspect one is down. Suspect two is driving a light green Volvo 2010." I can hear Olivia shouting into her radio. "10-13! Send every available unit and a bus now to this location!"

Suddenly she's kneeling in front of me. "Amanda, stay with me. Amanda, can you hear me?" I can see her eyes filled with worry. It isn't good. I can see it in her eyes. How bad, though? Are my kids going to be left without a mother?

"Amanda, stay with me. Stay in the fight. Honey, I am right here."

Olivia's hands clamp over my wound her eyes keep staring right into mine. I cough and cough until I can get a little strength left. I can taste the metallic iron taste of blood. Crap, that's a bad sign coughing up blood. "Tell my kids I am sorry. Olivia, tell them I love them and didn't want to leave them. Tell them I fought to stay with them, please."

I can hear the sirens approaching and see their flashing red and blue lights in the reflection of the windows. My officers, my people coming to my aide, whenever a call for a 10-13 goes out, every available officer in the city races to rescue one of their brothers and sisters. My body is feeling colder, and I can't stop shaking. Olivia's hands keep pressing. I can see the strain in her eyes, but I can't feel them anymore. I'm dying. I know it. I don't fear it, though. If I die, I can be with CJ and Caitlin. My only regret is leaving Mazie and AJ without a mother and Jade without a guardian.

I don't want to die, but we don't always get to choose the time we are called home. "Officer Down, God damn it. Where is my bus!" Olivia's screaming into her radio. I can hear Noah crying. "Aunt Amanda. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have run! Please don't die!"

The sirens are getting closer, but I know they will not make it in time. I can feel the blood pouring out of my body, feel the life slipping through my body. I can't stop coughing. The blood is all over my body.

People are crying and screaming in horror. Death isn't beautiful or poetic. Death is ugly and painful. It's scary because, at some point, we will all die; it's inevitable. I'm exhausted; it's impossible to lift my head to look anyone in the eyes anymore. My body is slowly giving up. Mentally I don't want to give up—denial of death.

"Don't leave me, Amanda!" then acceptance, I know I can't fight it; my body is too weak; my heart is pumping too hard, so I stop trying to resist; maybe it will be like falling asleep. The world is unfocused, like when you squint your eyes shut. My eyes feel heavy, and the world disappears under my closing lids.

Doesn't Olivia know? I don't want to leave her, but it's the weight we all carry when we wear this badge and take an oath to serve to protect. Sometimes we kiss our loved ones goodbye, and it's the last time we ever get to feel the warmth of their skin or the excitement of their touch.

Death comes for all of us. At some point in our lives, some people only get a few short years on this earth. In contrast, some of us get to live long, happy, sad, and lonely lives. Ultimately, it's how we choose to use whatever time we are given, which is how we will be remembered.

I close my eyes, knowing I have given my heart and soul to the ones I love, and a feeling of peace overtakes me as I feel the numbness take over my body. I made the ultimate sacrifices, not for the badge this time but for the woman I love. I may die, but her son will get to see another tomorrow. Her son will get to meet his son or daughter.

No mother should ever lose a child. Today I made sure another mother will never feel the pain I have been living with since my son was called home.