A/N: Takes place near the end of the third season of the TV series "M*A*S*H", after the episode "White Gold".
Hoist the Flagg and See who Salutes
"Henry, we're bored."
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, commanding officer of the MASH 4077 unit currently operating during the Korean conflict, looked up from his newspaper. It had been such a beautiful day - unusually quiet, no incoming casualties to treat, and best of all Majors Frank Burns and Margaret Houlihan hadn't complained about a single thing. With his two best - and undisciplined - surgeons declaring they were bored, those conditions were unlikely to continue.
"Are you sure?" Henry asked, addressing Captain "Hawkeye" Pierce. Captain "Trapper" John McIntyre could be just as troublesome, but he broke the tie with the one who had asked the question. He hoped against hope that the question would delay any future problems, but the tactic hadn't worked so far in the war.
"Positive; I got turned down for a date, the still is busted and all my patients insist on getting better."
"What about you, McIntyre?"
"I won't date him either, I can't fix the still and my patients agree with his patients."
"So now it's my job to find something for you two jokers to do, is that it?" Henry sighed. "The second day of summer vacation and you two are already bored."
"Is school out already?" Trapper asked as he turned to Hawkeye.
"I hope so - the man said those answers I paid for were for the final." He turned to Henry. "Besides, you're not doing anything interesting," he said as he pointed to the newspaper still in the commander's hands.
"Yes - but I'm not the one that's complaining about being bored. Tell you what; instead of disrupting someone's life - like mine - try doing something nice. You know, make them feel good about themselves. Go find someone and build them up."
"Oh, like we're doing to Korea."
"Pierce..."
"I think Henry means on a smaller scale," Trapper interrupted.
"I see - like destroy just a town."
Trapper started pulling Hawkeye towards the door. "Don't worry about us, Henry. We'll find something constructive to do," he assured his commanding officer as the two surgeons left.
"Why do I doubt that?" Henry muttered to himself before trying to find where he left off in the newspaper. He looked over at a picture of his wife Lorraine. "It's not your fault - you tried to raise them right, but it didn't take."
...
Trapper and Hawkeye sat in the Swamp, otherwise officially known as the officers' barracks. With Frank on duty, the two were left to plan in the comfort of their own bunks. "As a surgeon, I'm used to doing REconstructions, not being constructive," Hawkeye stated. "How do I start? You seemed to have an idea back in Henry's office."
"My idea was to get out of there before he found work for us. How about we do something for the Fourth of July?"
"Too far away."
"Decoration Day is already past. What's left?" Trapper asked.
"I don't know...Flag Day, I guess. We could run a bedpan up the flagpole and see what happens," Hawkeye suggested.
"Great idea - but it's not constructive and it certainly isn't helping someone." Both lapsed into silence until Trapper snapped his fingers. "I know - let's make it Flagg Day."
"Weren't you paying attention? We already thought about that."
"Yeah, but I'm thinking Flag-g Day," he said while emphasizing the last consonant. "You know, with an extra 'g' thrown in."
"Extra 'g'? That's...that's...brilliant!" Hawkeye exclaimed, suddenly excited. "But how do we do it?"
"Henry said to build someone up. SO let's give Lieutenant Colonel Samuel Flagg an achievement he didn't know he had."
"Tell me more my good man," Hawkeye encouraged.
"Okay, but we're gonna need a little help..."
...
Radar O'Reilly, perched atop the observation platform of a tall pole, spotted the dust trail of a Jeep off in the distance. He raised his bugle and sounded several notes before continuing his observation. After a short time the Jeep stopped below the pole and the driver looked up.
"To practice the high notes sir," Radar said while saluting.
"Corporal, what are you...oh...ah, as you were," the officer started to ask before realizing the answer had been given before he asked the question. It wasn't the strangest thing he had seen at the 4077, just one of them. He continued on and parked outside the unit's HQ.
Henry, who wasn't expecting anyone, jumped to his feed when Lieutenant Colonel Flagg blasted through the doors. "Colonel Flagg, to what do we owe...wait...am I supposed to recognize you? Or...um..." he continued, lowering his voice "...are you undercover?"
"Good question," Flagg answered. "This time I'm me, but you can never tell."
"Good - I hate memorizing new names. What are you doing here?"
"Sorry Colonel, but if you don't know then I can't tell you. Unless you want me to kill you afterward. Your choice," Flagg said as he looked around the room. There was so much clutter a bug could have been hidden anywhere.
"If it's all the same to you I'll take option number one."
"Have it your way. Where do I find Captains Pierce and McIntyre?"
"Captain Pierce and Captain McIntyre are waiting for you in their quarters sir," Radar announced as he came into the room, no longer holding the bugle.
Henry never even got the chance to ask Radar where the two surgeons were as Flagg interrupted with "You got down from the pole pretty quickly."
"I finished my practice," Radar said matter-of-factly. "If you'll follow me, Major Freedman is already waiting as well."
"Sidney is here too?" Henry asked, feeling very out of the loop. "Radar, I don't suppose MacArthur has shown up yet...or the President maybe?"
"I wouldn't know sir," Radar answered as he led Flagg out of the office before taking him to the Swamp. Henry considered tagging along but a single stare from Flagg told him the answer would be 'stay'.
Upon entering the officers' quarters, Flagg looked around. "How do I know this place isn't bugged?"
"Any bugs have already been killed by the mold and bacteria," Hawkeye quipped.
"We were going to hold it outside but we were afraid someone might read our lips," Freedman answered. Doctor Sidney Freedman was an Army major and a psychiatrist who was sympathetic to the MASH doctors and had previously encountered Flagg.
"Freudman, isn't it?" Flagg asked.
"Close enough. Have a seat - I think you already know Captains Pierce and McIntyre."
"Captain," Flagg said.
"Colonel."
"Captain."
"Colonel. Major."
"Captain. Captain."
"Major. That's two captains – you can king me," Hawkeye noted.
"Enough of the introductions," Flagg interjected. "Tell me what I was supposed to have done. I'm not saying I did or didn't – I just want to know."
"You mean you DON'T know?"
"Maybe he's just being modest," Trapper suggested.
"Modesty doesn't suit me. Neither does patience. Now tell me what I did or didn't do before I have to resort to physical means."
"All right, all right, seeing that it's you I guess we can trust you." Hawkeye leaned forward and Trapper joined him. "We…ah…wanted to thank you for preserving the US flag." Sidney solemnly nodded agreement with the captains.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Flagg said indignantly.
"Look at his face," Trapper said. "He really doesn't!"
"Superior training," Flagg explained. "I disavow all knowledge of my actions to myself so the information can't be brought out by torture or drugs."
"It's true," Sidney chimed in with his professional voice. "Some people have the ability to suppress memories so deeply that they can't be retrieved using most means. Of course I could try to hypnotize you…"
"No hypnosis. It would probably trip a defense mechanism and I'd kill you and probably burn this place to the ground." He looked around. "Might not be such a bad idea at that."
"But if you did that then our soldiers would have to drive to the next town for treatment and the traffic is murder," Trapper quipped.
"So are the land mines," Hawkeye added.
"What…exactly…did I do?" Flagg asked, trying to stay on point despite being lost.
"We don't know exactly. We came across some information and passed it on to you," Hawkeye went on. "We're just doctors – we don't know anything about the CIA, CID, CIC or BSA."
"BSA?" Sidney asked.
"Boy Scouts of America. I went undercover as a teen and achieved the rank of Eagle while ferreting out criminal elements. Go on Pierce," Flagg said after he finally sat down. The floor had sunk a good half inch where he had been pacing. Even in the chair it STILL looked like he was pacing.
"Right. We didn't have any intelligence on the matter. And when we thought about no intelligence, naturally we thought of you."
"I may or may not have used the information. But I'm sure whatever it was, it constituted a threat to our country. Must be top secret otherwise I'd know what I knew."
"Maybe some piece of evidence might jar his memory," Sidney suggested.
"That's right!" Trapper said as he got up and dug through his trunk. "We still have one left I think…I know I…here it is." He handed over some folded material to Flagg. "A John Doe soldier came in as a patient and gave us two of these before he died. We gave you one and you practically burned the tires off your Jeep leaving."
Flagg unfolded the cloth, seeing it was an American flag. Completely unfolded, he held it out. "I don't get it."
"There's a star missing," Hawkeye pointed out. "It ruins the perfect symmetry of the piece, don't you think?" True enough, the flag was ordered in the traditional red and white stripes with white stars on a blue background. But the bottom left star was conspicuously absent.
"And this soldier said nothing else?"
"Just something about he didn't want to see it wave on Flag Day," Trapper offered.
Flagg looked at the flag and then gripped it tightly in his hand before he did a quick march out the door, almost leveling Radar before jumping into his Jeep and roaring off.
"I kind of thought he'd react that way," Hawkeye said with a grin.
"Holy smokes, what did you guys do?" Radar asked as he watched the Jeep disappear.
"We did something nice for someone," Hawkeye declared proudly. "We gave Lieutenant Colonel Flagg a feather in his cap."
"A trophy for his mantle," Trapper added.
"A cherry on top of his Sundae."
"And a bee in his bonnet from the looks of it," Sidney opined.
"What?" Radar asked, confused. "Does this have anything to do with that flag I had to go get sewn?"
"Oh, maybe a little," Hawkeye said with a giggle. "Henry said to," he managed to get out before breaking into laughter and rolling on his cot. Trapper was doing the same thing on his.
Sidney was enjoying the moment but was composed enough to explain what happened. "You see Radar, Lieutenant Colonel Flagg is…let's say…very dedicated in what he does, whatever that is. Hawkeye and Trapper had a local sew up a special flag with a star missing. We then dropped an anonymous note to HQ thanking Flagg with his help in a Flag Day conspiracy. Then we sat back, knowing he'd take the bait and show up. I'm here to provide verisimilitude."
"I see," Radar said. His expression changed to a frown. "I guess I don't see."
"It's easy Radar," Hawkeye said after managing to calm down from his laughing fit. "We sent Flagg on a wild goose chase."
"A snipe hunt," Trapper added.
"Oh, I know what one of those is," Radar said with relief. "Sparky told me what one was once."
Hawkeye clapped his hands. "Then you know that Flagg is enjoying himself right now, content on tracking down another threat to this country. It doesn't matter that it doesn't exist – the thrill is in the hunt. The country is on the brink of collapse because a star is missing."
"Personalities like his live for investigating and revealing," Sidney concurred. "The worst thing you could do is have him do nothing. He's probably enjoying himself right now even if he doesn't realize it."
"But what if he finds out you guys set him up?"
"Who, us?" Trapper asked innocently.
"You know Flagg," Hawkeye assured him. "Another plot against the war will come up in no time and he'll forget all about this one."
…
Two weeks later Trapper and Hawkeye were winding down after a long stint in the OR. Hawkeye went through the mail on his bunk, looking for a letter from Crabapple Cove. Instead, he held up an envelope whose return address only said 'Flagg'. "We got something from Flagg," he announced. He smelled the envelope. "It doesn't smell like explosives – here Trap, you open it up," he said as he tossed it to his tent mate.
"We could save it and make Frank open it when he gets back," Trapper suggested.
"Yeah, but what if it doesn't kill him? We don't want to take the chance that it's safe."
"You're right." Trapper tore open the envelope but before he could remove the letter inside Flagg burst into the tent and ripped it out of his hands. "What, was there postage due on it?"
Flagg tucked the envelope under his arm. "I realized there was a small chance I left a fingerprint on the envelope. Good work you two, thanks to your help I caught the spy."
"You…caught him?" Hawkeye asked, relieved that they hadn't been found out but confused that someone had been found. You weren't supposed to be able to actually CATCH a snipe.
"Affirmative. Your flag had one star missing – the forty-first. That meant Montana. And the soldier used the key word 'wave', so that meant the Navy and obviously meant the USS Montana."
It wasn't obvious to either Hawkeye or Trapper, but that didn't stop them from enjoying it. "Did you go on board?"
"There never was a USS Montana, which proved that something was suspicious. I snuck in as an ONI officer at a shipyard and found out that she had been commissioned but never built. It must have been an inside job by communists to weaken our defense efforts, so I looked up the names of the committee that recommended cancelling the ship and found a man by the name of Starr. I knew I was onto something at that point."
"Or on something," Hawkeye said under his breath.
"So this Wendell Starr character was a civilian working out of Toyko. I tailed him for three days and found out he was clean. But his chauffer acted suspiciously, so I followed HIM around for two days disguised as a 1950 DeSoto Deluxe."
"CARpe Diem," Trapper noted.
"It was the chauffer, a Mr. Chan, where I hit pay dirt. After I cornered him, he confessed to being a member of the Chinese Communist Party. I confiscated his Red Book and turned him in."
"You know what this means?" Hawkeye asked.
"That Montana is a state now?" Trapper deadpanned.
"No – Lieutenant Colonel Flagg is a hero."
"Former Lieutenant Colonel – thanks to cracking the case I've been fast-tracked for promotion."
Astonished at the turn of events, Hawkeye rose to his feet. "Congratulations. I guess that means we'll be seeing less of you now."
Flagg squinted. "The only way you'll see less of me is if I don't want to be seen."
"Can we keep the letter to remember you by at least?" Trapper asked.
Flagg opened the door and threw the envelope out before closing it again quickly. Almost immediately there was a large 'bang' outside that shook the tent. "No."
Later, at Rosie's Bar, the two captains were having a drink with Henry while they filled him in on the details. "Next time I give you guys advice, do me a favor and don't take it. Please," Henry pleaded. "It's not that I give a flying fig about Flagg, but he was bad enough before – now he outranks me, too."
"That's okay Henry," Hawkeye said while leaning against him. "You may be inferior to him, but you'll always be the father figure we never had in the war."
"Pierce – I wasn't going to tell you but you and McIntyre are adopted. Now shut up or I won't let you or your brother over there use the car on prom night AND I will disown the both of you," he said while pointing at Trapper.
"Dad always says mean things when we're drunk – I think we should tell Mom," Trapper said while slurring slightly.
"I think she already knows we're adopted," Hawkeye noted.
The End
A/N: Between seasons three and four Flagg was promoted from LTC to full Colonel. I don't think this is how it happened, but I hadn't written anything for Flag Day yet so there it is.