Let Everyone See It
Cora was exhausted. It had been a lingering state, and there had been the sensation she couldn't quite shake that something was severely wrong. For a while, she pushed these thoughts away. She had a lot to do and her busy days were filled with tasks that easily explained her fatigue. When the growing stomach pains added to her list of ailments, though, she finally talked to Dr Clarkson. He appreciated her attentive consideration of her symptoms and praised her timely consultation. Cora knew she could have talked to him even sooner. Especially when she heard his suspected diagnosis, she felt bad for delaying consulting him. She knew how the patients with cancer looked that lay in the beds of their hospital and were rather forlornly treated in their last struggling days. This would be her fate now, too.
Cora listened more closely now when Isobel and Dr Clarkson discussed the therapy plans for the patients that suffered from cancer. She tried to piece together how she should best behave. She had the great fear of somehow making it even worse than it already was. In her darkest moments, Cora had the overbearing feeling that she was initially at fault for her state. That she was the only one to blame for her cramps and nauseating heartburn. That was why she couldn't imagine telling anyone, especially not Robert. She could not tell him what was wrong; could not tell him how she had wronged him. Because that was ultimately what she concluded after her brooding. She unwillingly wronged him because she knew, Robert was the one who'd suffer most from her illness. And there was the nagging question of whether she could have done something to prevent it.
She had promised herself a long time ago to dedicate her life to him and their family. She had promised herself to keep it her life task to take care of him and his happiness, just as he pledged to put everything into ensuring her happiness from the day he asked for her hand in marriage. Cora knew with being sick she would take away from his happiness in the most brutal manner. Robert did so well in ensuring her happiness for so many years, and Cora couldn't help but feel she failed miserably. For him, she didn't want to fail. So, she kept the dark secret to herself for a little while longer.
Nevertheless, her worsening state affected her daily life to an extent that forbade it to go unnoticed by the people surrounding her. Most of it, she could keep between Baxter and her. Sweet Baxter took the best care of Cora and supplied her with everything she could ask for to relieve her suffering. In the last few weeks, however, she grew so tired she had no other choice but to retire more and more early for the night. She didn't like to fall asleep in a bed by herself, even if she knew Robert was just downstairs and would join her later. She knew he would press his lips to her temple while she was already slumbering and he would lift her blanket and scoot closer to profit from her body heat. But going to bed on her own was not how she liked it. It was more the thought that bothered her. The process of falling asleep wasn't any worse because Robert wasn't there. For certain reasons, it was actually better that he still had to discuss one thing or the other with Mary downstairs and finished his evenings later than Cora. Cora was less burdened when he didn't see how troubled the first hour of her sleep was.
Robert shook his head when Andy wordlessly offered the dessert wine of the sweet grape to him. He took his glass of water instead and leaned back in his chair as he enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere at the dinner table. Despite the rather big round, it was an evening so familial and casual as if it was just the small cast of Cora, Mary, and himself, how it was on the most informal days. Today, next to Edith and Bertie visiting, it was also Isobel and Dickie, Rosamund and Mama, and even Lucy and Tom, who inhabited the dining room. Robert was pleasantly surprised that it was so unexcited despite the news and bustle of a potential shooting of cinematographic pictures at Downton and the unexpected planning of a trip to the south of France. He would hate for these new turns of events to unsettle the serenity at Downton entirely.
Edith told a light anecdote about the London office of her newspaper with a half-smile on her lips. She looked into the round with big eyes that reminded Robert of an expression her mother often portrayed. Edith's voice ebbed to the back of his mind as he turned his head at Cora instead. She sat in front of him and Robert quickly noticed that she only pretended to follow the conversation. She blinked heavily and her head moved delayed to every new input to the conversation. It was nothing unusual that she was tired early in the evenings. Lately, it was the case rather often. Robert's eyes followed the movement of her hand. She held a spoon and poked in futility in her mousse au chocolat. Her dessert bowl was still full.
Robert lost track of the conversation completely and his focus was entirely on Cora now as he took in her jaded sight. Had there been a chair meeting today that had taken up all her energy, he tried to remember. Not that he was aware of. Yes, Cora had been to the hospital for a few hours today but it was nothing beyond the usual. Her features, however, looked so drawn as if it was a particularly exhausting day.
Cora looked down into her dessert and Robert wasn't sure if the look on her face was one of disgust. Maybe she had an upset stomach, he considered. It was then that Cora looked up again quickly and caught his eye. She let go of the spoon. Robert smiled at her and was happy to see the resulting sparkle in her blue eyes. Now that she looked at him she seemed a lot less tired. She started fluttering her lashes and suddenly she looked anything but exhausted to Robert. She was the young girl that flirted with him across the dining table despite his mother's reprimands. Robert grinned as he bore his eyes deep into hers. That was when he heard someone calling his name.
"Robert," Rosamund said lowly beside him.
"Hm?" He whipped his head around.
"We're all done eating. Don't distract your wife, so she can finish her dessert and finally announce dinner is over. I'm dying for a drink and one of the comfortable settees in the drawing room," Rosamund hissed.
"I'm sorry our dinner inconveniences you but I'm sure Cora will end it when everyone's done," Robert whispered in response. Nevertheless, he nodded at Cora and everyone's empty bowls. He saw her face light up in a silent 'Oh!' before she took her napkin and wiped her hands. She leaned back, looked into the round that only entertained light and superficial conversation at this point, and spoke up in a cheerful tone.
"Let's go over!"
Robert realised he hadn't really heard her talk all day once her clear voice reached his ears. It was a nice sound.
They went through and he stayed by her side. Her evenings downstairs had become considerably shorter in the last few weeks. Being a busy woman working at the hospital and managing her duties at Downton wore her out. So, Robert tried to have as much of her company at night and didn't leave her side for the short amount of time she spent with the others after dinner. Sometimes, he even slipped his hand shortly into hers on their way over. He earned a few annoyed looks and eye-rolling from Rosamund but he didn't care too much. She was just jealous.
Tonight, Rosamund was the first one to walk through into the drawing room and take a seat on one of the settees, just as she had announced. It was the settee Cora and he usually sat on when they didn't have this much company. Robert liked sitting down at night with Cora. It was nearly as nice and familiar as getting into bed and talking about the day. These were some of his favourite moments because these times were just theirs.
With so much company and Rosamund sitting on his seat, though, Robert had to make do with standing beside his wife. Cora didn't waste time and sat down on the settee next to her sister-in-law. Robert heard her huff as she lowered herself. He looked down at her and saw her face scrunching up slightly as she tried to keep her ladylike poise on the precarious seat on the edge of the couch. When they were alone – Cora and he – she lounged more comfortably. Robert wasn't adamant about proper conduct. He observed now that Cora wasn't very keen on it herself. She didn't look too happy as she took her seat.
"Edith, tell me, have you taken Marigold and little Peter to London already? It would certainly be nice to show them where their Mama is working," Isobel said.
Robert turned to look to his other side. Isobel was about to sit down on another settee next to him where Edith already sat. Dickie was still busy getting himself a drink from one of the footmen. Edith looked at Isobel, a small smile lighting up her features.
"I showed Marigold the building once when we were in London. I don't think the office itself would be of much interest to her. And well, Peter is still a little small, isn't he?" Edith laughed one of her rare laughs.
Robert was a bit surprised seeing her like this. This woman was another woman from the one that lived in his walls at Downton. He felt his heart soar as he realised that she had found happiness in life. And she had achieved it all on her own. His eyes sought Bertie. He was standing at the bar cart with Dickie and the two men chatted. Who would have thought Edith would find herself a marquess? And a so kind and humble one who adored her so much? In Robert's eyes, it was close to a miracle but as he saw his daughter like this – so content and blossoming into the best version of herself – he thought this was how it had to be. Everything else would not have been right. She had worked to reach this point in her life eventually.
"Well, I don't think it wouldn't be interesting to them. They have never seen a newspaper office and probably don't really know what it looks like when people are working. I think you should take Marigold with you sometime," Isobel gave back. "Wouldn't it have been interesting for you when you were younger?" she added.
Robert put his hand onto the armrest of the settee Cora was sitting on and observed Edith's look changing into a thoughtful expression.
"I don't know. Maybe."
He felt a gentle caress on his hand and turned to look at his wife again. She, too, was listening to Edith's and Isobel's conversation as she absently put her slender fingers on Robert's hand and curled them around it. Robert smiled. That was why he chose to stay close by her side every evening.
His wife had always been affectionate. It had overwhelmed him at first as a newlywed husband who didn't know how to react to or reciprocate it. Rather soon he had learned to love it. But Cora always had the English customs in mind, careful not to behave improperly. So even though she bestowed her gentle and loving affection on him ceaselessly, she held back in the company of others. Now, many years later, as she didn't have to prove herself as a Lady and Countess anymore, her definition of what extent of open affection was still proper had loosened. Robert could only gladly follow her example.
He gently squeezed her hand and smiled at her when she looked up at him. He saw the wrinkles around her eyes as she smiled too. And as she already turned her look at her daughter again and her smile wore off, Robert saw the tiredness again. It hid in the circles under her eyes and the lines around her mouth.
So, it was no great surprise for Robert, when Cora announced to go to bed not much later. He had hoped he would have more of her company tonight since she had cut her evenings short a lot this week already, but he wasn't surprised. The rest of the family wasn't either, it seemed. They looked up as Cora spoke but no one protested. Cora went to bed early. They all knew it by now.
"Enjoy your evening!" Cora said to Rosamund, Isobel, and Edith, sitting around her, as she took Robert's hand, he offered her to get up. "I better turn in. I'm tired. But I'd be a bit of a killjoy anyway." A dry chuckle followed her statement.
"Goodnight, Mama!" Edith said.
"Goodnight, Cora!" The other ladies chimed in.
Robert gave her cold, slender hand a gentle tug. Cora turned and looked up at him. They stood very close to each other at the side of the drawing room.
"I bet you wouldn't be in the least," Robert breathed into her ear.
"What?" She tried to find his eyes with a confused look.
"A killjoy. You definitely would not be a killjoy," Robert made clear.
"It's nice that you like to think that way," Cora gave back and looked down. "But I'm better off in bed."
"Maybe…" One of his hands dropped to her hip. It rested there only lightly and hopefully out of the family's vision. Cora's eyes shot up again. Robert dropped his voice before he suggested, "Maybe I'm better off there, too."
Cora shook her head. "You're not tired." She stepped even closer. "I'm tired, and for that" her eyes pointed down between their bodies, "I'd definitely be a killjoy, I'm afraid." She sounded genuinely sorry.
Robert sighed and squinted his eyes as he immediately regretted his too-forward suggestion. "Yes, it was stupid. I know."
"No, not stupid." She put her palm on his cheek.
Not stupid, just futile with your daily rhythm, Robert thought.
"Don't indulge too much when I'm gone," Cora joked.
"Of course," he managed to answer before she pulled him down gently by his lapels and kissed him on the lips in no uncertain terms. Robert had to hold on to her waist with both of his hands to return the kiss properly. Cora really adopted a new and bold display of affection lately. It wasn't the first time she kissed him on the mouth so openly in front of the family at night, but it caught him off guard, nevertheless.
He was sure his lips were pink and his neck flushed when she pulled back. Cora had a light blush on her face, but she lowered her head accordingly and covered it up quite well.
"Goodnight," she whispered before she turned away and eventually made her way to the door.
Robert brushed his hands over his dinner jacket as he watched her go. Cora passed Mama's armchair.
"Have a good night, Cora," Mama said and tightened her grip on her cane. "I will go to sleep, too. If someone would inform Denker, please?" she turned in her chair and looked at Barrow who nodded briskly.
"What, Cora? You're still here?" Rosamund chimed in as she heard Mama bidding Cora goodnight. Robert saw on his sister's face that she was fully aware Cora was still saying her goodnights until now. Rosamund shot him a censuring glance. She must have seen the kiss and not only that. Maybe she had heard, Robert pondered. He didn't want to think about the possibility of it further. He turned back around and just saw the back of Cora's green dress fly through the door.
Maybe she would stay longer tomorrow.