DISCLAIMER: This fic will be cross-posted in AO3
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't own the Marvel characters.
WARNING: Author has Chosen Not To Use Archive Warnings.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Sacrificed Soul
By AJ3
"Hearts rebuilt from hope resurrect dreams killed by hate."
― Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams
As Natasha started to fall she closed her eyes, deliberately relaxing, desperately trying to convince herself she was just taking an extra moment or two to enjoy a lazy morning lie-in and in a moment she would get up to find Maria in the kitchen making breakfast for the two of them.
It wasn't really working, probably because the last thing she had seen was Clint's horrified eyes as she tore herself free of his grasp.
Her final thoughts, she acknowledged, were a peculiar mixture.
Undeniably there was an acrid, biting sorrow that shredded her soul. Knowing that she would never see Maria again. Knowing that she was dooming Maria to live in a world where she would have to learn to exist without her soulmate, led Natasha's thoughts back to the reality of the painful nightmare she'd endured daily for the past 5 years. A nightmare that would only just be beginning for Maria.
Nevertheless, tangled around that dark despondent anguish was the more uplifting and comforting thought that with this sacrifice, her sacrifice, Yelena, Melina, Laura, Lila, Nat, Cooper, Clint's entire family, Nick, Bucky, Wanda, Sam, her friends and teammates, plus millions upon millions of other beings across the galaxy would also be saved.
However painful this action would be, and whatever pain her returning soulmate would have to endure, she knew Maria would eventually understand that it was the right thing for Natasha to do.
Clint had saved her life once, when he'd saved her body. When she'd thought she was beyond redemption and she'd been longing for it all to end, he'd shown her she could choose a different path. A decision that led her to Maria.
Then Maria had saved her again, when she'd saved her soul. Finding her soulmate had thawed Natasha's frozen heart, allowing her to have years of happiness that she knew she hadn't earned and that she felt she certainly hadn't ever done anything to deserve.
Now, with this one act, she could finally balance the books and wipe her ledger clean.
The blinding, overwhelming pain was momentary, gone almost before she could feel it.
The impact of her body on the sacrificial stone at the base of the cliff was fatal.
Natasha, The Black Widow, Natalia, died.
It was odd, Natasha thought as she lay there blinking and gazing up at the strangely colored, purple sky. Over the years there had been plenty of occasions where she'd idly contemplated what happened after you died. Strangely enough, feeling like you weren't dead, hadn't figured anywhere in her musings on the matter.
Sitting up, she looked around her, confused.
Perhaps she was having an out of body experience. She remembered an evening she'd spent cuddling with Maria. They'd been curled up on the couch enjoying spending time with each other whilst half-heartedly watching a TV special about people who'd died and felt like they were floating above their bodies.
Gracefully she stood, taking a moment to steel herself before turning around to look behind her. She'd been fully expecting to see her bloody, mangled body lying on the ground, but there was nothing there, just rough and irregular dull gray stone that stretched away on all sides into the distance.
She stared at her gloved hands turning them this way and that under her disbelieving gaze, patting herself down as she looked down her legs to her booted feet. No blood. No broken bones. Nothing. She looked and felt like she'd just stepped out of the Benatar.
Natasha knew she had some additional regenerative capabilities due to the experiments the Red Room had performed on the Widows, illicit treatments which provided her with a bit more resilience and healing capabilities than your average human but, she turned back towards the cliff face scanning swiftly upwards trying to make out the top of the escarpment, which was barely visible against the dark clouds. Seeing just how far she had fallen, she knew there was no way that she would normally have been able to survive that fall.
Unconsciously twisting her fingers together, she tried to concentrate on her thoughts. Was this whole scenario an illusion, in the same way as Wanda had warped reality in Sokovia? Could it be that the Red Skull was playing some sort of sick, twisted mind game with them and they were both still at the top of the cliff? Surely she didn't have to fight Clint to the death again?
Natasha's gaze focussed on the cliff where, as if conjured by her musings, she realized she could just make out Clint's figure, his arm still dangling outstretched over the cliff edge.
"Clint! Clint!" She yelled, waving, trying to get his attention, "I don't know how, but I think I'm OK."
Clint didn't seem to notice her and Natasha watched as he slowly rolled over onto his back, his arm briefly falling across his face, before he sat up and disappeared from her view.
"I have superior eyesight, which is why I was given the code name Hawkeye." Natasha mocked derisively. "I'd say, Clint Francis Barton, you can't see bupkis if you can't see me jumping around down here like a… like a… madly jumping thing."
Snorting, she started rechecking the kit she'd brought with her. As she thought, nothing that would be immediately useful. She sighed, wishing they'd brought some sort of comms device with them. An image of Maria's face, twisted in a disapproving scowl, unexpectedly popped into her head and she chuckled ruefully thinking how Maria would have reamed them out for not being prepared for every eventuality.
Ah, Ria.
Tears welled up in Natasha's eyes at the thought of her soulmate. She'd been so sure this plan to obtain the Infinity Stones was the one that was going to succeed. She'd been convinced that they were going to be able to reverse the Snap this time. She'd thought that it wouldn't be long before she would feel the warmth of Maria's presence, see her beautiful face again, look deeply into her sparkling eyes and find herself a willing captive of her gaze.
Natasha thought back to the days following the Snap when she'd nearly given up, wasting away, poisoned by the pain caused by missing the other half of her soul. It hadn't been until she'd seen her soulmark and realized that Ria must still be alive, somehow, somewhere out there in the universe, that she'd been able to bind together her fractured soul, focussing all her energy and determination on getting her back.
After merely existing for the last 5 years, Natasha had been determined that once she had Ria back in her arms, she wasn't going to ever let her out of her sight again.
Blinking rapidly to clear her suddenly blurred vision, she wiped her eyes and rubbed her hand brusquely across her cheeks to dry them. Less dreaming Natasha and more action, she berated herself.
Studying the rugged cliff face, she sighed, "Hold on Ria, I'm coming… somehow''.
First things first, she needed to get back to Clint. Looking upwards she tried to calculate if there was any way she could climb up to him or whether it would be better to try and find a way around the mountain and hope against hope that she found herself back on the plain where they'd left Rocket, Groot and the Benatar.
Both options had their risks, but she decided attempting to travel around the base of the mountain was too hazardous and was likely to take too much time. Opting to climb, she started jogging towards the base of the cliff when she suddenly felt violently nauseous.
A cold sweat prickled across her upper lip, as she tried to push on through and ignore her rebellious body, but she only took a few more staggering steps before her stomach roiled disturbingly and her knees went rubbery. Force to stop, she bent over, resting her hands on her knees as she took a couple of deep breaths. Perhaps the difference in gravity here on Vormir meant the air pressure was less, or maybe the percentage of oxygen was lower, and that's why she felt so strange.
She just needed a few seconds rest to get her head to stop spinning. Just a few….
Natasha didn't feel the impact this time as her body hit the rock for the second time that day. She was already unconscious.
'What on earth or, I suppose, perhaps what on Vormir is more appropriate, but really this is getting ridiculous', Natasha thought as she awoke for the second time in less than 5 minutes.
This time, however, as she sat up and looked around she found she was inexplicably located on the platform at the top of the cliff, facing the edge from which she had so recently jumped.
Hearing footsteps she leaped to her feet, turning just in time to see the back of Clint's head disappear down the path towards the plain.
The Red Skull's tattered cloak billowed around him as he materialized in front of her, sneering in disdain at the weapon she reflexively drew and trained on him.
Ignoring his reaction, Natasha darted around him, heading towards the archway and the stones that marked the start of the pathway. As she ran, she could see glimpses of Clint between the rocks as he slowly, almost robotically, descended the path they'd climbed together not an hour before.
"Clint! Wait! Hold up!" She yelled after him.
Scornful laughter came from behind her, echoing harshly around the stone arena.
"He can't hear you. Surely you remember?" The Red Skull taunted, "An everlasting exchange. A soul for a soul. Your soul belongs to me… to Vormir."
The dire pronouncement caused Natasha to pause in her headlong dash after Clint and turn back towards him.
"What? What do you mean I belong to Vormir? I'm talking to you, I'm fine."
He cackled, hollowly. "You're dead. You died to free the Soul Stone and now you have to stay here, with me." The Red Skull sounded almost gleeful at the thought.
"I'm dead?" Natasha looked around her, "But why am I here, why can I speak to you, if I'm dead?"
As she spoke, she edged away from him back towards the archway, glancing down to see if she could still see any sign of Clint.
"A bargain was struck. A soul for a soul." The Red Skull repeated ponderously.
Natasha frowned; she didn't feel dead. Why wasn't she dead and at peace if it was such a simple exchange?
As usual, when a seemingly straightforward plan was descending into chaos, she could hear Maria whispering in her ear like an annoying Jiminy Cricket about the 7 Ps.
Biting her lip in consternation, Natasha belatedly considered whether they should have taken a moment or two to question the Red Skull before battling to the death because, given her current circumstances, maybe… just maybe… they hadn't fully understood the exact details about the deal they had struck.
Mentally shrugging, she always had been better at winging it when the best laid plans went to shit and, if she was dead, she had all the time in the world so taking 5 minutes for a bit of light interrogation wouldn't hurt. In fact, even calling it an interrogation might be a bit much. A being who'd been on their own for nearly 70 years would probably start talking with very little persuasion.
"Soooo Herr Red Skull, if I'm dead, why am I here talking with you now?" Natasha tried to get a read on his reaction to her question as she slid towards him.
It was hard to tell with the shadows caused by the hood, but Natasha thought the Red Skull looked almost… furtive.
Rather than answer, he turned, gliding away from her apparently transfixed by the horizon.
Natasha holstered her weapon, assessing what she could see of his body language. Even if he was a floating malevolent wraith, there was definitely something he was trying to conceal about the situation, so pressing forward she tried again.
"I asked you a question, you so-called 'Guardian of the Stone' and, I'll have you know, I've been told I can be quite irritatingly persistent when I want something." Natasha smirked inwardly as a memory of Maria looking at her with, what could only be described as annoyed amusement or perhaps, she mused, it was amused annoyance, flitted across her thoughts. "C'mon, if I'm dead already, you might as well tell me. What exactly are the parameters to this exchange?"
Folding her arms and projecting an 'I've got all day to wait' attitude, Natasha bided her time, staying silent and watchful.
Whether it ended up being the use of the formal title, the silence, or the threat of years of badgering that coerced the Red Skull into responding to her question, Natasha neither knew nor cared. She just waited impatiently, tapping her fingers against bicep, until he haltingly turned back towards her.
Drawing his tattered cloak around himself, his face hidden in the shadows of the hood so that she could not see anything but his eyes glittering like dark jewels, in a deep voice he sinisterly recited.
"Natasha, daughter of Ivan, your physical body is as dust in the wind, but souls sacrificed like yours have a choice. You can rest here in eternal peace in the Shrine of Souls, or you can follow the Soul Stone wherever it may lead."
Slowly, menacingly, he floated towards Natasha, his voice grating on her ears as he continued, "But heed my warning, if you leave this place you will be forced to wander for all eternity, voiceless in the world of the living until your despair drives you insane."
Natasha hummed, looking around at the bare rocks and empty plateau below as she briefly considered her options. Stay and live here in peace with a floating specter, or leave and be eternally damned. Not much of a choice really, considering that until she'd met Maria she'd been convinced she'd been damned from the day she was born.
Flipping him off, Natasha laughed as she ran out of the arena and down the path that Clint had taken.
On the winding path back down the mountain, Natasha discovered that firstly it hadn't seemed to take this long when they were climbing up, secondly that one pile of rocks looked very much like another and finally that being dead was a great boost to your fitness levels, she'd been running downhill as fast as she could to catch up with Clint before he left the planet and wasn't winded at all.
Eventually the path opened out onto the plain where she had no trouble locating the Benatar and Clint, who was slumped over kneeling in one of the pools close to their landing site. As she drew nearer, she could see his eyes were screwed shut, his face a pasty gray color and his hands were pressed tightly against his stomach. He was slowly rocking back and forth, muttering, clearly distraught, repeating over and over.
"No, no, no! Tasha, it should have been me. Why did you do that? Why?!"
Glancing around and seeing no other beings in their vicinity either living or dead, Natasha edged closer until she could hear his voice more clearly, which was breaking with emotion as he spoke.
"You know what I've done, how can I go on? How can I possibly face Laura and the kids, tell them what you've done. Tell Laura what I've done?"
Breathing heavily, he leaned forward, slowly opening his hands at which point she caught a glimpse of the amber-colored Soul Stone glowing faintly in his palm.
"Surely this isn't it?" Clint grasped the stone between his fingers, holding it up, "This is the mythical Soul Stone? This stupid rock is supposed to be worth Tasha's life?"
As Clint continued to glare at it, she could see a strange mixture of disgust and desperate hope flickering through his eyes.
Placing the stone carefully into the pouch on his belt, he pushed himself unsteadily to his feet.
As he wove his way uncertainly towards the Benatar, she walked with him and heard him whisper brokenly, "I promise Tasha, I will do whatever it takes. Your sacrifice will not be in vain. Thanos will die and we will bring back all the lost ones, I swear."
Natasha found the days that followed her return to Earth to be very strange in the extreme.
As the hours drifted monotonously by, she thought back on the Red Skull's warning.
Voiceless, well that was certainly proving to be true, she'd tried, but no one could see, hear or feel her. In desperation she'd even tried physically jumping on people. That was the point at which she had thought Dr Strange might have noticed her, but when she'd run over and attempted to communicate with him there'd been no further reaction. She'd chalked that misunderstanding down to her growing desire for someone, anyone, to notice her presence.
As for wandering for all eternity, she'd found that after they'd left Vormir she couldn't move more than about 10 feet from the Soul Stone. Wherever it went, so did she. That had meant she'd spent several incredibly tedious days in a lab with the gauntlet, Tony and Bruce. If she hadn't been already dead, she was sure she'd have died from boredom as they got their scientific geek on.
It finally got a lot more interesting, if incredibly frustrating, as the Avengers and the people they'd rallied battled Thanos and his forces. Observing quietly from the sidelines, Natasha decided, really wasn't her thing. Stuck in 'orbit' around the stone she'd been pulled by the gauntlet across the battlefield trying desperately, and without noticeable success, to strike out at any of their attackers.
Watching Tony die, to defeat Thanos, was heartbreaking.
She'd even wondered, just for a split second, if he would appear next to her in this realm. Before feeling terribly guilty for thinking, even for a moment, about sentencing someone else to this limbo for eternity.
As she chided herself for being selfish, a painful twinge in her side caught her unawares. What was happening? She'd not felt any physical sensations since she'd died. Did this pain mean she was done with eternal damnation already? Perhaps with Thanos dead, the Soul stone had realized it had fulfilled its purpose and she would be able to move on.
A voice shouting orders broke through her scattered thoughts and, still clutching her side, she spun around to see Maria across the wreckage of the battlefield.
A joyous smile lit Natasha's face as she realized the pain was her soulmark reacting to the proximity of its mate.
Elated, she ran towards her, only to cruelly freeze as she hit the boundary of the stone's influence.
She'd tried, oh how she had tried, to get to Maria that day. But, whatever force tied her to the Soul Stone meant that no matter what she attempted, it was doomed to failure, and she'd eventually had to give up, inconsolable.
She'd collapsed, distraught, at the perimeter of her invisible cage taking what comfort she could in drinking in every detail that she could see and hear. How could time have blurred the memory of Maria's lean, athletic physique, the siren's call of her voice, her precise, decisive movements and her commanding presence. Natasha barely blinked, staring fixedly at her love. Willing her to come closer.
To her everlasting shame, she'd been euphoric when Pepper had removed the gauntlet from Tony's hand and thrown it to the ground, thinking that it would be retrieved by the S.H.I.E.L.D. contingent and at last she would get to be close to Maria, who would surely want to see it.
That euphoria had been replaced by apoplectic rage as Steve Rogers had intervened, speaking with Nick and taking the gauntlet into Avengers custody. A move which had ultimately left a devastated Natasha standing on tiptoe, pressing herself against the barrier, watching as almost inevitably Maria had walked away from her back onto the Helicarrier.
And now, she was stuck in limbo again.
The Infinity Stones had been removed from the gauntlet and placed into a secure repository in the middle of a large white room, in the middle of a large gray S.H.I.E.L.D. facility, in the middle of a large green forest.
Lying on an empty table, and how that worked she had no idea, Natasha spent her time going over in minute detail, everything she could remember about her life with Maria. Trying to recall every moment of their time together, hoping that the memories she had would provide her with the wherewithal to maintain her sanity. She knew, once Maria saw her soulmark, if there was a way for Maria to find her and a way that she could be brought back to life, then she knew with absolute certainty that Maria would find it.
She simply had to make sure she held it together until Maria did.