Letter to Jack

Author's note 1 : First of all, I wanted to thank Catygirl for correcting this fanfiction. Thank you for offering your services as an English Beta Reader. This fanfiction will read much better for English speakers because of you! I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that I'm French and I translate my texts as well as possible into English, thanks to Catygirl this fanfiction should not be full of typos, a big thank you to her!

Author's note 2 : When I was writing "Between the Lines" and I got to episode 10x12 "Line In The Sand", I wondered what Samantha would have written as a letter to Jack if she had died. And then I had this idea of a letter that she would not have changed since then and that she would regret. So I incorporated that into my story. When I finished "Between the Lines," I had this idea of what the Carter in the story might have written when she didn't have her happy ending. This is what I came up with.

For several minutes, Samantha stared at her computer screen. Her fingers were frozen over the keyboard. The folder was unlocked, the last text document opened. And yet the page of the word processor was hopelessly blank. Janet's death had changed everything. Samantha had realized that none of them were invincible and that they could disappear at any time. She wanted to leave a trace. Something that would be discovered if anything happened to her. Cassandra slept upstairs. The funeral was especially difficult. Colonel O'Neill had stayed with her until she fell asleep. After that, Samantha had walked him to the door, held him close to her. She wiped away the tear that had begun to roll down the corner of her eye. She saved the document and closed it in anger. She would not succeed. She looked at the folder whose various text documents were now displayed on her screen : "Dad", "Cassandra", "Teal'c", "Daniel", "Colonel O'Neill". She moved the mouse over the document and clicked on Rename. Even here, in digital space, she couldn't let go. Even here, she was compelled to obey. She deleted the file name and typed in "Jack" and confirmed her change. She reopened the text file. The cursor blinked at the top of the page, waiting patiently for her to type her first words.

But she couldn't. It had not been easy for her to write the letters she had intended for the others. Still, she didn't hesitate. The words had been easy to find. Not for him. As always when it came to "him". She had not even managed to create a document titled to reflect the sentiments she hoped to reveal.

She wrote, "My Colonel." She pressed and deleted what she'd written. She had to be honest. That was the point of her letters, to say what she was hiding. To have no regrets. To leave nothing unsaid. Her mind was on the conversation she had had with Cassandra the night of her mother's death.

"Sam... The last time I saw my mother... I was angry... I don't even know why. As she was leaving for work, she said to me, "I will see you tonight, honey, I love you." ... and I didn't answer. I was so angry ... Sam, I should have told her I love her." Cassandra was crying in her arms. Colonel O'Neill's sunburnt hand had come to rest on the young woman's shoulder, the back of his hand touching his subordinate's cheek.

"Cassandra. Your mother knew that you loved her. That you weren't able to tell her then makes no difference. A parent knows these things. Believe me, your mother knew, Cassie." At that moment, there was so much pain in that chocolate-colored look that it broke Sam's heart just a little bit more. And there came the idea of the letters... Letters she would leave behind. So that no unspoken words would remain after her death. So that they would never doubt the love she had for them.

"Jack."

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard as she typed. Of all the letters, this one was the most difficult to write. She had no idea how to tell him all the things that had been on her mind for years. She sighed and ran a nervous hand over her neck, searching for the courage to let her feelings out. This might be the only time she could. She reached out and grabbed a glass of wine which sat next to her. Samantha took a long sip of the crimson liquid. She wanted to give herself the courage, to unleash herself, to dare to write what she wanted and then blame it on the alcohol.

"Jack.

You said something to Cassandra. Something that troubled me deeply. You told her that even though she hadn't told her mother she loves her on the day she died, Janet knew. That a parent knew. And that got me to thinking. About what I never said, assuming you knew. About the things that you would never know if I didn't tell you.

Jack, just calling you by your first name is something I have never dared to do outside of a situation of great danger. There is so much that I have not told you, Jack. So here is everything I should have told you. Forgive me, Jack. I did not have the courage to do this before.

First, whatever happened to me as you read these words is not your fault. Do not live with the weight of my death on your shoulders, even though I am under your chain of command. I know from sleeping beside you every night on our missions that you already carry such a heavy burden. I know that the teammates that you have lost continue to haunt you. There is nothing you could have done for me, Jack. Nothing. I would have given up my life for you. Just like you would have given yours for me. Part of me is relieved to be the one being read, not the one reading. Selfishly, I'm grateful that I was the first to go. I can tell you now, I don't think I would have survived your death, Jack. Every time we thought we lost you...

I thought I would die too. Death would have been sweeter than the pain I felt at the thought of never seeing you again. And I am ashamed, ashamed to even think it while Cassandra is upstairs... When I knew that you were alive, that you were well the day Janet died, I was happy for a moment. I was relieved that the situation had not been reversed. That Janet was alive and you were dead. Who can think like that? It's a terrible thought. But I can't deny that I can't imagine a world without you. ...

Which brings me to the second thing I have to admit to you, Jack. Something I suspect you figured out years ago. This connection between us that we never talk about. Those feelings that we have to keep hidden and buried. Over the years we have become very good at this game. But this letter is proof that only death will be my release from the Air Force's seal of silence. My only regret is that I could not do it while I was alive, that I did not have the courage, the audacity. Jack, I love you..."

On the keyboard, Samantha's hands trembled. She closed her eyes for a split second and let out a slow breath to calm herself down. She took another sip of wine. She listened to make sure Cassie was still asleep upstairs. Then she rested her fingers on the keyboard.

"But I think you know that.

From the Za'tarc test, you know that. But what was just the beginning of a crush then, has become something deeper today. Hasn't it? For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I was fooling myself. I tried to convince myself that the only reason I loved you was because you were forbidden to me. The man I could never have. The fantasy that could never be equaled or dethroned. But I was lying to myself all along. I came to realize that a long time ago. Still, I tried to forget you in the arms of other men, without success. When I saw you lying on the ground, the kevlar smoking from the spear of the Jaffa... My heart missed a beat.

You were so perfectly still, you looked dead. I couldn't take this, Jack. Letting you go was something I could never have accepted. I can't imagine life without you.

Why did I, then, keep playing the military game? Why didn't I resign from active duty ? Maybe it was because I was afraid of what was going to happen next? Would you have been in love with me back? Would you have loved Samantha Carter if she was no longer Major Carter? I think what kept me from speaking up much sooner was the fear of rejection, of seeing the fantasy vision of "us" that I had constructed crumble. I'm sorry, Jack. Forgive me for putting it to you this way. I'm sorry that I'm not here to see your reaction, to build the "us" that I imagined. I'm not here anymore. I can only imagine how you feel.

Jack. I know I've written that I wouldn't have wanted to go on if our situations had been reversed. And yet I have to tell you this. You must go on, Jack, you must live. To survive me. For those who love us, for those to whom I have written, for those to whom you have found the letters on this computer. For Cassandra, the daughter we didn't get to raise, but we loved as our own. You are the only one she has now. For Daniel and Teal'c, who are probably in as much pain as you are... Teal'c is probably suffering in complete silence. They are our family. The family we chose. I need you to take care of them for me right now.

Jack, it doesn't matter how I died. It does not matter how much guilt you think you have to carry around with you. They are in need of you now more than ever. Lean on them, grieve with them. Don't be alone, don't push them away. This is my last wish. Live.

I love you, Jack. Don't you ever forget that.

Samantha."

With the flat of her hand, she wiped away the tears that blurred her vision. She felt as if her heart was going to be cut out of her. She dragged the mouse to the "save" icon. She clicked.

She then closed the document. Afraid of censoring herself, she didn't want to read it again.

She clicked on the built-in file locker on her computer, and a window popped up: "Set Password".

Her mind was on what his password would have been.

She typed and clicked, and the Computer prompted her: "You want to use "fishing". Confirm "Y/N".

Samantha clicked "YES".

Deep down, Samantha had hopes that none of them would ever have to read her words.

In her heart of hearts, Samantha had the hope that one day she would have the courage to tell him, Colonel Jack O'Neill, everything.