The Midnight Raid of Remy LeBeau
Read on, dear patron, so you may know
Of the midnight raid of Remy LeBeau.
Springing to life via the mind and written word.
Wacky, sad and truly absurd.
A wild, tragic tale not seen in the show.
It began inside the Acolyte base's
Rec Room filled with lounging Acolytes.
With peaceful, relaxed looks on all their faces.
Without any arguments, stray flames or fights.
When in burst Remy wearing a smile,
Red-on-black eyes filled with mischief and guile.
"Hey, Gambit," Pyro chirped with a start.
"Hey," Remy said. "I'm about to depart
To raid the X-Mansion and go steal Rogue's heart!"
"Oh no!" Piotr groaned and gave out a yelp.
"Oh yes," Remy grinned. "And I need your help!
Every time Rogue and I try to play
Something pops up to get in the way
And turns the love vibe into wet kelp.
So this time I want you all with me
To keep a lookout and, should you see
Any X-Men threaten to wreck our night
Signal me with a flame as a light."
"One if Cyclops, and two if it's Jean.
Three if Nightcrawler's 'porting about.
Four if that brunette petite gives a shout.
Five flames will signal that you have spotted
An angry, clawed, livid Wolverine.
Six if Old Baldy should finally come out
Whether sober or quite besotted."
"Seven flames if Beast decides to get involved.
Eight if Storm makes the very air hum
Intent on frying me to kingdom come,
Leaving but ashes to be dissolved.
Nine if the younger kids join in the fray,
Raise an alarm or get in the way.
Ten if the mansion's defenses awake.
Eleven if the whole place starts to shake.
Twelve if someone should leave there by car.
Thirteen if by air. Fourteen by star.
Fifteen if a boat or sub they take."
"And if I call you," Remy went on.
"Make a big ruckus full of tension
To draw the X-Men's attention
Away from me and towards the outer lawn.
Break down the gates! Burn down the walls!
Fill the air with big fire balls.
Coat their statues, fountains and driveway
With shaving cream and chili cheese spray.
Rain down fire, boulders and phone poles to barrage
Every vehicle in their garage.
On Wolverine's bike carve twisted scrawls!
Use glue and glitter quite liberally.
Raise nonstop, unholy insanity!
The X-Men can all cry and groan
As long as they leave Rogue and I alone."
Remy finally ended his spiel
While waiting with bated breath and zeal
For his teammates' reply to his request
And see if they'd accept the deal
To do what zany Acolytes do best.
Pyro finally broke the pause.
"Of course we'll help ya, mate, in your cause!"
Piotr reluctantly gave in.
Sabertooth did as well dipping his chin.
"Great!" Remy grinned with his mind working fast.
"Tonight's the night Rogue'll be mine at last!"
Remy left the room twirling his bo staff
As Mastermind gaped like a stunned giraffe.
"Why are you all going along on this jape?"
"Why else?" Sabertooth grinned barking out a laugh.
"To watch him fail and get it on tape!"
And so Remy left, amor on his mind,
Sneaking out from the base and to the mansion
With a smile on his face eager for expansion
While his teammates discretely followed behind.
Remy swiftly leapt the walls and crossed the grounds,
Crept to the back without making any sounds,
Avoiding laser banks armed with many rounds,
While blinding every sensor he could find.
Onward and onward went bold, brave Remy,
Toting a bag of gifts for his chérie.
The finest chocolates thieving hands could steal.
Lace gloves for her hands. Teak combs for her hair.
Along with some silk satin underwear
And the most divine nightgown one could feel.
It was midnight by Remy's watch
As he began scaling the mansion's wall.
Using every crevice and notch
To make his way to the balcony
Outside Rogue's glass doors, locked securely,
Through which he planned to make his love call.
Remy softly leapt the railing
Landing on his padded, booted feet.
Stopped every alarm from wailing
As he unlocked the doors with ease.
Remy entered, spotting the form and dark head,
Peacefully sleeping on the bed.
Remy approached lighter than a breeze,
Knelt and leaned over to waken his sweet.
'Twas then Remy saw the head pause
And felt on his cheek, instead of a kiss,
A trio of razor-sharp claws.
From the bed rose, previously unseen,
A very ticked off Wolverine
Glaring at Remy with a hiss.
For Remy had made a tiny mistake
Confusing the rooms, now quite the rub,
As Logan, now fully awake,
Roared, "You picked the wrong bedroom, bub!"
Remy flew back like mad as Logan lunged,
Yelping in horrid terror before he plunged
Right off the balcony, landing hard
On one of the bushes dotting the yard.
Remy groaned as his body bled
With a pair of underwear on his head.
Causing Logan to leap, sans his senses,
Activating the mansion's defenses.
So through the night screamed poor Remy
While set upon by Logan and hot lasers
Missiles, nets, bombs, darts, buzzsaws and tasers
As he desperately attempted to flee.
While Rogue and the other X-Men watched in shock
A gift-covered Remy shriek, beg, cry and squawk,
A safe distance from Remy's distress
The Acolytes filmed the whole mess.
And so, once again, ends a story of wrecked love.
A pointless, paltry tale of madness and woe.
As aching brains reel from reading of
The failed midnight raid of Remy LeBeau.
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the poem "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere".