"So what's your body count?"

Buffer wasn't even sure how it came up. He'd been more interested in his beer than whatever 2Dads and Spider had been talking about, but his ears were always tuned for that specific tone in 2Dads' voice that said he was about to start something.

Spider looked vaguely confused, his eyes flicking to Swain and Charge and then Buffer himself who decided that the question was about as harmless as 2Dads got.

"He wants to know how many women you've been with."

Buffer watched his face clear and met Charge's amused eyes over the rim of his beer.

"Oh." He sounded thoughtful and Buffer had to bite back a laugh when he actually started counting on his fingers. "I'm not sure, about fifty?" He finally replied after a long moment.

Buffer choked on his beer. He caught sight of 2Dads' shocked face as Swain smacked him unhelpfully on the back and bit back a smile.

"You realise we're talking about the women you slept with right Spide?"

Spider looked at Swain, more confusion on his face, "Of course, what else would it mean? I get it. Fifty sounds about right."

2Dads' face was worth the embarrassed shock Buffer was feeling, his mouth slightly dropped open, his eyes wide.

2Dads finally shook himself out of his shock enough to splutter at Spider, "You're fucking nineteen, how the fuck?"

Buffer was having the exact same thought but was glad 2Dads had been the one to voice it. Spider just frowned at him, his expression confused but becoming more careful and suspicious the longer he took in their surprised expressions.

Finally, he shook his head at them, "What do you mean how? I mean I know I haven't slept with many people this year, but that's because I'm stuck on a boat with you ugly dickheads. Twenty in a year isn't that weird."

He could feel the shock on his face and he recognised the careful medic face Swain was using to conceal his amusement at the lot of them.

"Okay," Charge interrupted before any of them could formulate another question. "Just making sure we're working with the same definitions, when you say 'slept with' you're meaning sex, right?"

Spider's face creased defensively, "Fuck you, I know what sleeping with someone means."

2Dads gave him another sceptical look and lifted his hands, inserting one finger into the ring of another. Buffer smacked him as Spider yelped indignantly and yelled, "I fucking know what sex is!" a little louder than was necessary in a bar.

Buffer avoided the gazes that had turned to them and held his hands up placatingly to Spider.

"Okay, I believe you. But how the fuck do you date twenty girls in one year?"

Spider frowned at him as though he was stupid and Buffer waited for whatever crazy thing was about to come out of his mouth now.

"You didn't ask how many girls I've dated." His voice made it clear he thought they were absolutely dense and Buffer was starting to feel like he might be.

Swain was leaning back in his seat, watching the whole thing with the baffled amusement of someone who'd been married for nearly a decade. "Of course you didn't date them."

Spider nodded as though Swain was the only sensible person at the table.

That was apparently enough for 2Dads who finally broke, "If you didn't date them how did you end up sleeping with fifty people?!"

Buffer bit back a sound of agreement, he could already tell there was no dignity to be gained in participating in this conversation and was going to leave 2Dads to dig himself a hole on his own.

Spider shrugged, a little defensive, "I don't know, didn't you sleep with girls from your high school at like, parties and stuff?"

Buffer couldn't hold in his response to that, "Yeah but not fifty of them!"

"Maybe he went to an all-girls school." Charge offered dryly.

Spider ignored him and grinned at Buffer, "I don't know Buff, maybe you just weren't as good as me."

Swain snorted next to him and then coughed, wiping beer off his nose.

Buffer glared at Spider who was grinning at him, already imagining him scrubbing on his knees.

He opened his mouth to reply but Charge beat him to it, obviously more interested in the mechanics than Buffer was at the moment. "Okay. So just clarify for me. You'd go up to girls at parties -"

"They'd come up to me." Spider cut him off to add.

Charge nodded as though that made complete sense but Buffer could see the smile he was biting back.

"Okay, girls would come up to you at parties and just ask you to sleep with them."

Spider sighed as though with relief and nodded at him, "Exactly, I mean, I knew them all from school or friends or whatever but yeah."

"And no one ever thought anything was weird about this?" Charge pressed and Spider suddenly looked insulted.

"How would anyone else have known? A gentleman never kisses and tells." Spider sounded like he was quoting someone and Buffer scratched his face to hide his shocked laugh.

2Dads didn't hide it as well, "You're not a gentleman, you're a sailor!"

Spider looked at him, confused but Buffer couldn't wait for him to humiliate 2Dads more, he had to know, "So you slept with about twenty of the girls in your class at school each year, in Year 11 and 12 and told NO ONE?"

Spider looked insultingly like he was going maths in his head again as though it made any sense their confusion was about the number and not the unlikeliness of a teenage boy not bragging about sex. "Yeah, I think that's about right."

Buffer laughed, feeling a little hysterical, but at least comforted that he didn't look as shocked as 2Dads did across from him.

There was a long moment of silence as they all digested this new information and stared at Spider, trying to make it fit with their previous knowledge of him.

Finally, Charge leant back in his chair and commented, "That's a lot of one-night stands."

Buffer closed his eyes the moment Spider frowned, not wanting to see whatever new insanity this conversation would bring.

"Oh, you never asked how many times I slept with each of them."