(i bite my tongue it's a) bad habit
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
[Or, Mimi tricks the Chosen onto her podcast to answer the only question that has ever mattered.]
I wish I knew
I wish I knew you wanted me
"Bad Habit" by Steve Lacy
Episode #307 with special guest Dr. Kido Jou
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"What?"
"Date, time, place. Don't leave anything out."
"I'm—what? I thought this was your podcast?"
"It is, but I'm the one asking the questions."
"But—wait. What?"
"When did you first realize you—,"
"Don't just repeat it!"
"It seemed like you might have been hard of hearing. Is that because of your significant age?"
"I'm not old!"
"Well, you did make a sound when you sat down. It was like this—Palmon, can we get the playback please?"
"Stop, no—Mimi. What is this? You asked me to come on your podcast to talk about news out of the clinic."
"This is news out of the clinic, Jou. Very important news about a very important clinical worker."
"I'm a doctor—,"
"What's wrong with being a clinical worker?"
"What? No—nothing! I didn't—,"
"Do your colleagues know you hold such hierarchical ideas?"
"I—,"
"Does Gomamon know?"
"You know we—,"
"More importantly, does Gomamon know when you first realized you were in love with me?"
"Mimi—!"
Episode #309 with special guest Takaishi Takeru, novelist
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"August 1, 1999."
"August—?"
"—1999, yes. Probably around 11:42 in the morning."
"…That's very specific."
"I like specifics. Helps with the writing."
"Then why's that part not in your book?"
"Oh, but you gotta read between the lines, sweetheart."
"This would be more fun if you weren't in on the joke."
"You know I'm in for anything."
"Takeru! Kids listen to this!"
"I don't see any kids here!"
"You are such a little smart ass, you know that? When did that happen?"
"Why are you acting like I didn't get all the smarts in my family?"
"Yamato literally has a doctorate in aeronautical engineering."
"That's only impressive if you believe in science."
Episode #312 with special guest 1Lt Ishida Yamato, Ph.D.
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"I heard you were doing this but I don't understand what you have to gain from it."
"It's really about what my listeners gain from it."
"It being…?"
"Revelations of true love! Declarations of cherished attachment! Celebrations of the int—Palmon says you are making a weird face."
"I am not making any face. This is just my face."
"And, listeners, what a face it is. Picture the chiseled brow, sculpted jawline, and crystal blue glare of a young— why are you making that face?"
"I'm not glaring."
"You glare at me all the time."
"No, I don't! And don't tell people that!"
"I have to tell people that because this is a podcast , Mister Lieutenant PhD."
"No one says it like that, stop being weird—,"
"Stop getting so riled up. Honestly, I thought we'd grown past these emotional outbursts of yours…."
"I'm not riled up! I'm just—,"
"Just what? Just what? Go on, say it—,"
"Mimi, I swear—,"
"Just say you love me!"
"Of fucking course, I fucking love you! You're one of my fucking best friends! Why the fuck is this fucking news to anyone?"
"Listeners, picture a very tall, very decorated, very angry—oh, and he's left the booth now."
Episode #313 with special guest my girl Inoue Miyako
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"I mean, was there really a first moment?"
"I mean, between us?"
"It's been you from the start!"
"Since before the start!"
"You will have my heart forever and always!"
"You will have my heart forever and always—oh, shut up, did we really say that at the same time?"
"Jinx, bitch!"
"Miyako, kids listen to this."
"Oh, shit, my kids listen to this."
"Oh, my God."
"It's fine! In fact, it's perfect. I want them to hear how important love like this is. If each of them experienced even a fraction of it, I'd never worry so much, because it'll mean someone's got them as tight as I have you, and you have me."
"Miyako…!"
"Stop crying, or you're going to make me cry!"
"Listeners, Miyako has been crying since she sat down. Hand on heart, she saw my face and boom: waterworks. Should I be flattered?"
"It's the hormones! Honestly, I cannot believe this is baby number three. Maybe you should be asking about the last time Ken thought it was a safe day to act like the first time we—,"
"Palmon, let's stop recording there before we lose our sponsorships."
Episode #318 with special guest Yagami Hikari, teacher of the year
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"Oh, my gosh, is this how you've been opening up all these guest spots? That's hilarious!"
"I have! Isn't it fun?"
"I mean, Jou and Yamato did sound like they were going to have aneurysms on air."
"Still my highest rated episodes to date. Even had 'Mister Lieutenant PhD' trending on Twitter for a solid thirty-three hours."
"My students told me!"
"See? He should be grateful I'm making him and his boring research famous. All of you should, honestly. We are public figures, after all, and this is a public service."
"Trust, Mimi, I am very grateful. But I should point out that I am not nor I have ever been named teacher of the year. I don't even think we do that in the Digital World?"
"Well, after this spot, I don't see how we wouldn't. We'll take it up with your brother if we have to."
"Won't have to. I like to keep work and family separate. Makes things simpler. I'm proud of what I and Tailmon have been able to do on our own, and together."
"Such ethics! This is why we're making you both teachers of the year."
"I will accept any honor bestowed upon me by you."
"...That's a Takaishi Takeru line, isn't it?"
"Oh, he gave me a whole list. I wasn't supposed to say anything to you about it, but then he ate my last spicy crisps packet yesterday and tried to blame Patamon and what's fair is fair."
"I really love your ethics."
Episode #319 with special guest Sgt. Ichijouji Ken
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"Before we get to that, can I please address the episode with Miyako?"
"I am not losing another sponsorship over you two and your rabbit-like tendency towards progeny, so no, we are letting the record stand unamended."
"Did you have to phrase it like that?"
"I'm the one asking the questions, inspector."
"Detective."
"Sergeant?"
"Bless you."
"What?"
"What? Oh, was that one of yours and Daisuke's English words? I thought you'd sneezed."
"Do you—do you think Daisuke and I just go around inventing already well-known English words? Listeners, should I be flattered or concerned?"
"I don't really have a comment on language education, but I do know you are both very successful entrepreneurs, and I'm very proud of you."
"Don't forget self-made."
"Self-progenerating, if you will."
"That—that doesn't even make sense! Gross! The visuals alone are just—my God, Ken—are you and Miyako trying to run my show into the ground?"
Episode #322 with special guest Takenouchi Sora, fashionista
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"The first time I dressed you."
"A serious answer at last. We're surrounded by heathens, Sora. Do you realize?"
"You should title this episode 'A Cut Above.'"
"Ah, puns! Oh, my God—here you are, a fashionista and a wordsmith? A woman of talent, listeners."
"I only wish I could have been back to full strength to be in the recording booth with you rather than video in. I know I must sound awful with the cold and the bad connection."
"Awful is a stupid concept that belongs no where near you, my dear. Your puffy red face is lighting up my screen like Christmas. Honestly, you might be making colds sexy again."
"You're insane."
"Insanity's contagious, when it counts! After all, you just opened a third boutique, didn't you?"
"I did—thank you. Do your listeners know that you were the one to front me my first business loan?"
"You wouldn't ask your parents—,"
"Not that they wouldn't have agreed at that point, we'd really turned the corner by then. It's just with the family name and my mother, you know. It was important to Piyomon and I to strike out on our own."
"And look at you now! You have created your own future, of your own choices and your own desires and as your own person."
"Just like you said, all those years back."
"I'm your muse, aren't I?"
"Of course! Who else would it be—do not answer that."
"But my listeners are dying to know what's going on between you and Mister Lieut—?"
"Mimi, I am happy to dish about our upcoming fall line, or—if Palmon wants to get on the mic, too—talk the new accessories we're debuting for Plant type Digimon, or share early sketches for the look I want to dress you two in at next year's Digital Accords Gala. Take your pick."
"Well, well, well. A woman of talent and authority, it would appear. It's giving…dominatrix, and, listeners, I would like to see it."
"Mimi."
"Or maybe hear it? Cough a little closer into the mic, babe, the hushed hoarse voice is really doing it for me."
"Mimi!"
Episode #324 with special guest Izumi Koushiro, President and CEO, Izumi Tech
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"I can't answer that."
"Can't or won't?"
"Can't."
"Yes, you can."
"No."
"You literally can, though."
"I don't think that word means what you think it means, but in any case, I cannot answer you, not right now, anyway. It's an impossible question. I need time with it."
"You've always said no question is impossible!"
"I have no memory of saying something that inane."
"Oh, so now I'm inane to you?"
"You're not anything to me—why did Palmon turn the recording off? I can't hear her from this side of the booth. Is something the matter with Tento—?"
"No! It's because you're pissing me off again, Kou! And hurting my feelings! And quoting one of your favorite movies at me all at the same time—,"
"That's not one of my favorite movies."
"How is it not? You literally watch it with me every year!"
"Again, not what you think it means, and, again, it's not my favorite movie."
"Then why do you watch it every year?"
"Because you make me watch it with you every year."
"Oh, what, like it's some big chore for you? Doing things with me?"
"I'm sorry if I've upset you, but—,"
"Shall I play it back for you, when you told me I don't mean anything to you?"
"But…you don't. Anything is an empty word. It's boundless, it holds nothing. A placeholder for something not yet understood or known. That's not you. You mean…more. To me. More than anything."
Episode #335 with special guest chef Motomiya Daisuke
"When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"Listen. Love's not even the word, doll. What we've got's escaped definition."
"Are you really quoting bad American television lines at me?"
"First, that's an iconic line, and second, bad American television is how I perfected English! How you did, too, by the way. You're the one who even told me to learn osmosisly."
"That can't be a word."
"Eh, it sounds wrong but that's only because it's an English one. They're all heckin' wrong."
"I don't think—,"
"But more to the point is when in fact did you first realize you were in love with me? Let the listeners get to what actually matters, amirite?"
"First, stop doing that cringe accent, and second, do you know you're the only one to turn the question around like this?"
"Wow. That's really embarrassing for your friends."
"You're one of my best friends."
"I'm always embarrassed for myself. Cancels out like a double negative!"
"I don't know if I should be more worried about the self-deprecation or more impressed that Jou's tutelage is finally paying off, you knowing things like double negatives and using it properly."
"Learned it osmosisly."
Episode #336 with special guest Hida Iori, J.D.
"When did you first realize you were in love with—a binder?"
"Yes. I listened to everyone else's episodes as part of my preparations for today, the results of which I have organized here."
"Preparations?"
"Yes. My annotations from those investigations are all color coded into this second binder."
"Investi—well, now wait a minute—,"
"And it's only fair I account for the fact that I have had time to prepare while all the others did not. So Armadillomon and I reached out to the group to share my findings in advance of this afternoon's recording session. I therefore want to preface my opening argument with a list of revised answers from the following individuals. Here is your copy, if you could please follow along. All right. Exhibit A: Jou would like you to know that—quote—from the moment I became aware of the depth of our feelings for—,"
"Overruled! Suspended! Adjourned!"
"None of those apply in this situation?"
"Because this is a ridiculous situation! Iori. I don't need a legal briefing. I just want a conversation. Between friends! Dear friends. Including you, and that means the you without the veneer of judicial deliberation. You know, with Miyako, we just spoke openly, off the cuff! That's what makes it fun and spontaneous."
"Oh, yes, I did enjoy that one."
"Good. That's all I'm—,"
"—which is why I transcribed it here."
"Oh, my God."
"I transcribed everyone's. This is a graph tabulating the answers, with summative readings, and this is a flowchart of possible entryways into and towards my answer."
"...I honestly don't know what to say."
"I have a flowchart for that."
Episode #378 with special guest Counsellor Yagami Taichi, Permanent Observer Mission of the Digital World to the United Nations
"When did you first realize you were in love with me? Or at least that would have also been the cold open intro for this live broadcast of Sincerely, Mimi, to which my most loyal listeners are now accustomed here on the eleventh edition of our tour down memory lane with my Chosen family. Yet despite repeated inquiries and call back notices and continuously being regaled with invigorating tales such as 'the schedule'll clear after the next GA, I swear' and 'plenaries went longer than thought so we're having a plenary about the plenaries—believe me, that joke kills at SecGen' and 'I said I'd do what?' here I am, once again, sitting guestless across from an empty guest chair. It really begs the question, though, doesn't it, listeners? The baiting, the waiting, the vague promises to 'do better'? Might this all be a metaphor for the political stagnation of our current crossworlds climate? Is this baldfaced act of collegial disrespect in fact a parallel experience to the state of our two worlds and the crisis we find ourselves at the brink of facing should we also continue to disresp—oh, look, we have a caller. Whoever could it be?"
"It's Minister-Counsellor now, actually, so you can go ahead and edit that episode title."
"It's acting Minister-Counsellor, actually, so you can go ahead and knock yourself back down a peg. That's right, I did my homework."
"Took a leaf out of Iori's flowcharts, did you?"
"Look who's suddenly capable of listening, listeners."
"Oh, I've heard it all. You're somehow always on car radios and waiting room speakers. Caught the one with Hikari in the staff cafeteria, so thanks for that extra public scrutiny."
"And I owe that incredible market saturation to an amazing co-host and producer."
"Naturally. Hey, how're you doing, Palmon?"
"No! Do not answer him, and do not be taken in by the stupid charm, Palmon! This is a very professional interview that he has been deliberately and repeatedly forestalling for months. I left you at least forty messages about this before your voicemail box filled out with what I can only assume are the messages of countless others you also are abysmal about answering! And it can't just be for security concerns or press access, because I know that you, Jou, and Yamato sat in on a public roundtable with Koushiro last month, and that you're writing the foreword to Takeru's next book, and that you let Daisuke post a picture of you on social to endorse his new ramen joint, and that—,"
"Palmon, cut her mic."
"What—? I—!"
"There were forty-six messages, which I know because I listened to all of them. That's why the box is full. I keep messages I have to get back to. Honestly, if we had more similar politics, I'd recruit you for our press office for sheer force of persistent will alone, and you are a force, Tachikawa. But as it stands, it's because of the nature of my role that I have to be able to speak under particular conditions, and putting up those parameters here would have defeated the point of a tell-all guest spot. If we do this, we do it right. That's what I'm trying to figure out, getting back to you. So, will you wait for me to get back to you?"
"...I don't like how compelled I am to believe you after that impromptu bit."
"I am very good at my job."
"And yet, acting remains attached to the salutation there, doesn't it?"
"'Peace, dignity, and equality' over fame and glory, I'm afraid."
"You've really grown up, Taichi."
"Do you need to sound so surprised?"
"You did just say you locked yourself out of your voicemail box because it's full. Rookie move, Mr. Ambassador."
"Not an ambassador, and not locked out. I can get in anytime."
"Good! Listen to me yell at you to call me back more often!"
"I mean, what else do you think I keep 'em for? You know I like the sound of my name in your mouth."
"I do know that, though I did appreciate last night's reminder..."
"Is that right?"
"Mm-hm. In fact, I was thinking that tonight we try a l—,"
"Mimi, Taichi—Palmon here. You both realize that 'cut the mic' doesn't mean 'cut the broadcast,' right?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake—,"
"Wait, what?"
"This is why we need parameters!"
"Who cares about your parameters! What about my sponsorships?"