A Man's Man
A/N: In this story Jodie and Maggie are not planning to get married and Jodie's on his own again. Hope you enjoy, please read and review.
Jodie Dallas sat at the kitchen table in the Campbell house and stared off mindlessly at the wall ahead of him. He was so deep in his thought that he didn't even realize he was stirring his coffee with his index finger. The lights were bright, the house was quiet, everybody was in bed, everyone but him. Wendy was asleep but she wasn't in bed exactly, she was sleeping in her carriage just a few feet away from the table.
A minute later he heard footsteps approaching and a few seconds later his stepdad Burt Campbell entered the kitchen, and he looked at the young man strangely.
"Jodie, it's 2 o' clock in the morning, what're you doing up?" Burt asked.
Jodie finally pulled his finger out of his coffee and dried it off with a napkin, "Oh...nothing, Burt, just thinking."
"You can't do that asleep? It's called dreaming, everybody does it," Burt said.
"What're you doing up, Burt?" Jodie asked.
"Oh well, see I was having this dream I was eating this marshmallow, this giant marshmallow...a marshmallow the size of the Yellow Pages, and somewhere in the back of my mind it hit me 'wait a minute, I've heard this joke before, if I don't wake up and get something to eat, by the time I do wake up in the morning, my whole pillow's gonna be gone, just, pfft'," Burt stuck his tongue out. "So I'm making me a sandwich, you want one?"
Jodie shook his head. "No thanks."
"Suit yourself, we got some good macaroni loaf in here," Burt said as he went over to the fridge and took out an armful of sandwich supplies.
"Burt, can I ask you a question?" Jodie asked.
"Sure," the older man answered as he dropped a bag of meat, a head of lettuce, a jar of mayonnaise,a squirt bottle of mustard, a jar of pickles, and a tomato on the table. "What's up?"
Jodie looked up at his stepfather and asked sincerely, "What's wrong with me?"
"You're asking me that now?" Burt asked. "That would've been a good question to ask a few years ago when you wanted to be a woman and you wore your mother's clothes."
"Burt..."
"Okay, I'm sorry," Burt pulled a chair out and sat down a couple spaces away from Jodie, "continue."
"I've just been sitting here thinking," Jodie told him, "I fall in love with people so hard, and I'm willing to do anything for them...and none of them are ever willing to do the same for me, they either don't want me, or they don't want to be seen with me, or they don't want me to be happy with anyone else in my life. How does that keep happening?"
"What do you mean?" Burt asked.
"I loved Dennis," Jodie said. "I wanted to be with him, and I thought he loved me, but he loved his football career more, so much so that he was going to marry a woman to keep up his public image. I loved him so much, I was so desperate to keep him, I was willing to have an operation and become a woman if it just meant keeping him."
"Mm-hmm," Burt nodded with a slight bug-eyed expression, "I remember that, I was there."
"And then he just left me anyway because he didn't want to be with me," Jodie said. "And I was so upset when he walked away I just wanted to die."
"I remember that too," Burt said. "Now Jodie, I know you were in a lot of pain back then and going through stuff I can't even begin to imagine, and I couldn't say this at the time, but I think you're in a healthy enough place you can hear this now, and please know it's out of love."
Jodie barely had time to nod his head before Burt reached over and slapped him upside the head and yelled at him, "What the hell were you thinking of? How could you do that to your own mother? The one person who has supported everything you did her whole life no matter what you did, do you have any idea how terrified she was when the hospital called us? Do you know what it would've done to her if you'd died?"
Jodie nodded somberly, "I know. I know it was a stupid thing, and I still feel terrible about it."
"Well you should feel terrible!" Burt told him. "You were your mother's baby, Jodie, and when a parent loses their baby, they just want to die, and it doesn't matter how old you get, you will still always be Mary's baby."
Jodie lowered his gaze and nodded, "I know, Burt."
"If you actually had died," Burt said, "no goodbye, no note, no explanation, no nothing, Mary would've blamed herself for it for the rest of her life, always thinking it was because of something she did wrong."
Jodie felt his eyes burning as tears started to form, but he willed them not to fully rise to the surface. "I know."
"Okay then," Burt told him, "so if you ever get the birdbrained idea to kill yourself again, you leave a long and fully detailed note telling your mother it wasn't because of anything she did, there was nothing she could've done to stop it, it's not her fault, do you understand?"
Jodie met his stepfather's gaze and nodded, "Yes, Burt."
"Okay, good," Burt sat back and folded his arms. After a couple seconds he added, "I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but now that you're a parent, you gotta have a better understanding of what it's like from your mother's side."
Jodie nodded. "I do...I do...that's why I'm awake...I can't go to sleep." He nodded over towards the carriage and told Burt, "I can't ever let my guard down again, I'm terrified I'm going to close my eyes and somebody else is going to take Wendy away from me."
"That won't happen, Jodie," Burt said.
"See, I know that, Burt, I know that here," Jodie poked his temple, "but the feeling it will just doesn't go away. That's the other side of it. Carol wanted me, I didn't want her, I could never imagine having sex with a woman...but I did. She wanted me, she wanted me until she got pregnant, and when I realized we had created a child together...I kind of wanted her. I told her I would marry her, I told her I would be a good husband, but she ran out on me."
"I remember, I was there for that too," Burt nodded.
"But before she left, Dennis came back, and when he found out I was with Carol, he was suddenly willing to quit football altogether, and tell the whole world we were together, as long as I got rid of Carol. Now, there's no way he could've known at the time how screwed up she'd turn out to be, he didn't want me until somebody else had me, and he only wanted me as long as nobody else did."
"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm," Burt nodded uncomfortably, "go on."
"So I lost Dennis, and I lost Carol, and I met Alice," Jodie said.
"Oh yeah I remember, the pretty gay woman, she was nice," Burt said.
"She was nice, Burt, and we moved in together, originally it was so she'd have a place to stay, because her father kicked her out for being gay. We tried leading separate lives but it didn't work out, we kept getting tangled in each other's affairs, and we realized we were actually attracted to each other."
Burt's cheek started bubbling and he went into one of his strangled high pitched laughs.
"Burt, nothing happened," Jodie burst his bubble real quick. "But we liked each other, we actually had a perfect relationship. Then Carol's mother shows up with Wendy, and even though I'm the father and I have the legal right to custody, she threatens me that she'll take Wendy back to Texas if I don't get rid of Alice, just because she was a lesbian. I wasn't willing to do it, but Alice moved to Alaska so I could be with my daughter. And then as soon as Alice was gone, neighbors started making anonymous complaints to the children's welfare people about a homosexual in the building with a baby."
Burt nodded, "I remember, Mary and I had you move in with us to get the social workers off your back."
Jodie nodded, "I know...Carol suddenly decides she wants Wendy, comes back, makes her mother perjure herself in court, I get custody, she kidnaps Wendy and runs off to God even knows where all across the country, so Maggie and I go looking for her. And Maggie and I realize we're attracted to each other too."
Burt chuckled knowingly, "I remember, I was there for your big announcement."
"Maggie didn't make any demands of me," Jodie said, "but she knew up front she only wanted me because I was gay and she couldn't have me. So, she had me...and after a while the appeal was lost...now we're not together anymore either, now it's back to square one, just me, and my daughter, who I would love nothing more than to give her a second parent, have her be raised in a real family...but I can't seem to fall in love with anyone who actually loves me for me, they're either using me, or we only really work as friends. So...what's wrong with me?"
Burt shook his head. "Jodie, there's nothing wrong with you."
"I'm so confused, Burt," Jodie said.
"Well of course you're confused, you're a guy and you're gay, so you're attracted to other men, that is confusing," Burt said. "Anybody else would be confused, I'm confused enough for the both of us."
"My whole life I never felt confused about who or what I was, I knew from the time I was a little kid that I was attracted to guys, and I liked dressing up like a woman."
"But you haven't done that since you decided not to become a woman," Burt pointed out.
Jodie nodded, "Right, I haven't. I guess I really just went back and forth thinking I feel like a woman, or I feel like a guy who likes to look like a woman, I never saw it as a conflict of interest because I never felt conflicted about who I was or what I wanted. But I got so I loved Carol, or I thought I did anyway. I never would've thought in a million years that I'd ever sleep with a woman, let alone Carol...and if I hadn't, if I hadn't gone away with her, hadn't let her seduce me...I wouldn't have my daughter...but Carol also wouldn't have been able to screw up my life as much as she did. I really liked Alice...I loved her, she was my best friend...we actually worked well in a relationship as long as sex wasn't an option. I know when I'm attracted to someone, it's a man, I'm attracted to men, I fall head over heels for men...but I don't have a good track record with them. I'm not attracted to women, but more often I find myself in relationships with them, and we always get along great. This shouldn't be so hard to figure out, I'm gay, I love guys, I should be in a relationship with a guy, but it's been a long time since I've actually been with one."
"Well that's because you had Wendy so you had to settle down and give her a stable life," Burt said. "That's why the big idea was always get married first and then have families, because by the time you were married, you'd gone through all the different people you'd be with and you would have found the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with."
"I thought I did," Jodie said. "But none of them wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me."
"Yeah? Well you know what I say to them, Jodie? Pfft," Burt asked, then blew a razzberry, "that's what I say, you say it too, you'll feel better."
"It's not that simple, Burt," Jodie told him.
"The hell it's not," Burt said. "Jodie, there is nothing wrong with you, alright alright alright, you want to know what your problem is? You love too easily, Jodie, and you love too hard, and when you do, people are going to take advantage of that, they can smell it like a shark with blood in the water. Now there's only one person in the whole world that if you're going to love like that, that it could ever possibly work, and that's your daughter. Your children are the only ones you can afford to love unconditionally, because they don't come with conditions, you know what I'm saying?"
Jodie nodded. "I think so, Burt."
"Yeah, babies come out loving you, they don't say 'Daddy do this so I'll love you', they can't make demands because they can't talk yet, and by the time they learn, all they know is unconditional love so that's the only thing they know to give back, it's a perfect cycle," Burt explained.
"But I want to be in a relationship with somebody, Burt," Jodie said.
"I know you do, and there's nothing wrong with that, but Jodie, you fell in love with people who didn't love you, they wanted you for some reason but that's not the same thing," Burt said. "What you've got to do is find someone who actually loves you for you."
"I thought I had," Jodie replied, "more than once...and if I could be wrong so many times, how do I know I'll ever find the right person? How do I know there even is a right person? Maybe I'm doomed to go through life alone."
"Okay, first of all," Burt pointed a finger at him to get his attention, "You will never be alone, alright? You got Wendy, you got me, you got your mother, you got Danny, we're a family, Jodie, all of us, and we always will be, and we'll always be here for you, got it?"
Jodie smiled sadly and nodded. "Yeah, I got it."
"Second of all," Burt said, "Jodie, anybody in the world would be lucky to fall in love with you, you are what every man should be, I mean, I'm still not crazy about," Burt's cheek bobbed as he looked to the side and made a fey hand gesture.
Jodie nodded in understanding, "I know, Burt."
"But that's beside the point," Burt told him. "Jodie, you are willing to do anything for anybody you fall in love with. Do you know how many straight men would never have offered to marry Carol after she got pregnant? To be willing to marry a woman more because it's the right thing to do, and so the child will have a father in its life, than simply because you're in love with the mother...Jodie, that's the kind of man that every parent wishes their sons would grow up to be. It's not your fault that Carol was too self centered to reciprocate that. And Dennis? Pfft," Burt blew a razzberry, "you were the one willing to have a total operation to be with him, he wasn't willing to do anything for you, Jodie, you didn't deserve him, sure, the guy throws a ball great but," Burt shook his head and made an uncertain sound under his breath. "You don't need somebody like that."
"So what do I need, Burt?" Jodie asked.
"What you need," Burt said, "is someone who feels the exact same way about you that you feel about them, someone who's comfortable with themself, and are not looking for you to fill a void for anything missing from their life. If you find someone and you both feel like you can't live without the other, that's when you'll know, that's the way it was for your mom and I. But it has to be a two way street, Jodie...that's why so many relationships fail, because it's one person putting in all the effort, the other one takes and they don't give anything in return except a lot of grief, and who needs that?"
Jodie nodded. "You're right."
"Look, Jodie, man, woman, when the right person for you comes along, you'll know it," Burt said.
"But what if I'm wrong again?" Jodie asked.
"Well you've had some experience in that," Burt said, "so you ought to be developing a sixth sense about it by now, think about it, one person can't be wrong all the time."
Jodie pursed his lips together and looked straight ahead as he considered that. "True..."
"Now come on, Jodie, you gotta get some sleep, you gotta go to work in the morning," Burt said.
Jodie nodded tiredly, "I know, but Wendy-"
"Wendy will be fine," Burt said, "after what you went through getting her back, there's no way Carol would ever show her face around here again. Besides that, all the doors and windows are locked, and Mary will watch Wendy tomorrow while you're at work, everything's going to be fine."
Jodie pushed his chair back, stood up, went over to the carriage, leaned over and gathered his sleeping daughter in her arms.
"Jodie," Burt told him, "it's going to be alright...things will start getting better."
Jodie nodded, "I hope so, Burt."
"Your mother raised you right, Jodie," Burt said, "there's nothing wrong with you, it's everybody else who has their own problems, and they think somehow you're going to be a solution for them, and a relationship can't exist like that."
Jodie merely nodded in response.
Burt followed him up the stairs to Jodie's room, Jodie put Wendy to bed while Burt checked the window.
"See? Everything's locked up tighter than Fort Knox around here," Burt told him. "Everything's fine."
"I know, Burt," Jodie replied, "but I think it's going to be a while before I believe it."
Burt looked at him for a few seconds in an awkward pause before he asked, "You want me to stay until Wendy falls asleep?"
"She's already asleep," Jodie answered.
Burt paused again, and asked, "You want me to stay until you fall asleep?"
Jodie blinked and looked at Burt strangely. But after considering it for a few seconds, he nodded.
"I can do that," Burt said. "That's what I'm here for."
Jodie crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up, and Burt stood by the bed and looked down at his stepson, watched as Jodie's eyes never moved from Wendy's crib, watched the same eyes slowly start to close, watched them weakly try to stay open, and watched them lose that fight. Finally, Jodie was in a dead sleep, and for all intents and purposes, didn't seem to have a care in the world.
"You must've been a great kid," Burt noted. "I wish...I wish I could've been your stepdad then."
He stepped over towards the crib and looked down at the sleeping baby girl and made his 'grandpa' face with the moose antlers, but without the high pitched sound as he stuck his tongue out. He pointed a finger at himself and silently declared, "Grandpa", before turning towards the door, shutting off the light, stepping out into the hall and pulling the door shut behind him.