Conflict rose up in Biro's heart. For decades, his people had languished under Ming's tyranny, and today they would finally rise up. The bold example of Flash Gordon, the human of Earth, had at last moved Prince Vultan to action. They would cast the dice in an attempt to win their freedom.

But with Prince Vultan giving the orders, victory was far from likely. And even if they did manage to overthrow Ming, the cost in blood would be catastrophic. While Biro was loyal to his Prince, and valued his leadership, Vultan was not a tactician. This day, hundreds of brave hawkmen would risk their lives for the freedom of their people. It was a commander's duty to ensure that as many as possible survived.

The legions were gathering. They would take flight soon. If they captured one of Ming's war rockets, they could use it to smash the enemy capital's lightning field. Their plan was for Flash Gordon to use his rocket cycle to lead a war rocket into a trap.

The start of a decent plan. Nice.

Gordon would fly through a dense cloud toward the waiting Hawkmen army, so the enemy wouldn't see them on approach.

Not bad.

Buuuuuuuuuuut…

Knowing the thick-skulled Vultan, he'd manage to utterly blow the element of surprise. The old-fashioned gloryhound would almost certainly resort to a mass assault in the open sky, despite knowing that a war rocket would surely have large numbers of soldiers able to spray laser fire from behind cover. It would be an absolute bloodbath, with countless heroic hawkmen dying before those coming up from behind would finally be able to strike back. No amount of loyalty to the Prince would outweigh Biro's duty to the hundreds that were about to risk their lives.

While Vultan rallied the soldiers with an admittedly-inspiring pep talk, Biro took the opportunity to pull Flash Gordon aside. "Human, you want to rescue the woman Dale?"

"Of course!" The human drew himself to his full, impressive height. "I'd die for her!"

Biro nodded, but then his expression hardened. "Would you doom hundreds of my people to death for one woman?"

Flash hesitated. "This… this isn't just for Dale. If we succeed, we'll free your people."

Biro nodded again. "But would you see victory won through the needless sacrifice of hundreds, or with as little death as possible?"

The human narrowed his eyes. "What are you getting at?"

Prince Vultan finished his speech, and hundreds of hawkmen cheered. If any of them were going to survive the coming hours, Biro had to step in now. "If you want victory without a massacre, trust me, and back me up."

Biro strode toward his Prince. Mercifully, the human had the decency to show gratitude for the people who would fight for his cause. Flash Gordon kept pace and came to a stop at Biro's side.

"Mighty Prince," Biro began. "Time is short, and we must act. But Flash has shared additional insights with me regarding Ming's capabilities and the disposition of his forces."

"Really?" Vultan said. "Shouldn't I be the first to know-"

"He told me instead of you due to the force of your personality, the grandeur of your charisma, and your power to inspire."

Vultan failed to hide his confusion. "I… um… thank you?"

Biro pressed on. "This is the most important day in the history of our people. We need you inspiring the soldiers and serving as a symbol of glory, integrity, and heroism."

Flash Gordon rose to the occasion. "There could be no better Hawkman for the job. Be the icon your people need."

Vultan's confusion started to shift toward pride. "Indeed I shall!"

Nodding, Biro made his move. "To that end, I suggest you delegate lesser concerns to others. While you focus on your vital role, I am willing to handle the mundane minutiae of tactical control. Grant me authority to give the tedious orders, so that you can do what you do best!"

Before Vultan could instinctively object, Flash really came through. "Such lesser issues are beneath one of your station, Vultan. Biro can take care of such minor details."

They'd timed it perfectly. The last of the hawkmen had taken wing, and the grand formation was growing overhead. It was time to fly. "So be it!" Vultan said, leaping into flight. "Soldiers! Biro will assume tactical control! Follow me to glorious victory!"

Captain Geldan of the war rocket Ajax cursed the poor aim of his gunners. His long, sleek ship had far more firing ports along its broadsides than at the bow, so very few of his soldiers had been able to fire on the fleeing Gordon. The human's stolen rocket cycle vanished from sight in a vast cloud bank, but Geldan would not be deterred. Ming the Merciless had decreed that Flash Gordon was the highest priority target in the Empire. "All ahead full! Pursue the fugitive! Prepare to electrify the cloud! All personnel move away from the outer hull!"

Visibility dropped to mere yards as the Ajax plunged into the cloud. That visibility ceased entirely when they electrified the cloud, and all turned a brilliant red. After several more pulses, their projectors started the slow process of recharging, but it had likely been enough. Flash Gordon would have–

Far sooner than expected, they emerged from the far side of the cloud. Apparently, it was wide and tall, but not deep. Up ahead, Flash could be seen retreating, with no more cover to aim toward. Victory was at hand…

An instant later, Geldan lost visibility again, but this time, it was from something far more dangerous than mere clouds.

Hawkmen covered the front of his ship.

Axes and maces began smashing at the viewport, while primitive but powerful blaster weapons fired point blank. Cracks swiftly began to spread, and a storm of fire obliterated the few crewmen in a position to try firing at them.

Screams throughout his ship proved the hawkmen on the bow were only one small portion of the enemy army. They must have landed all along the outer hull the moment the Ajax had cleared the clouds, and Geldan's troops hadn't been in a position to fire.

Fighting back panic, Geldan activated the alarm to repel boarders, but he was probably too late. Looking down the central corridor, he already saw powerful energy blasts tearing in from both sides of his ship. Hawkmen must be positively covering the surface of the Ajax, crowding at the firing ports, pouring shots into Geldan's ship. Taken so utterly by surprise, dozens of Geldan's crew already lay dead, blasted at close range by slow-firing but powerful hawkman energy weapons. The sounds of return fire were all but drowned out by the hawkman barrage.

Then the forward viewport shattered.

Dozens of hawkmen tumbled in, utterly overwhelming the bridge crew. Geldan reached for a sidearm, but one of the borders had managed to land on his feet. The Captain barely had time to draw his pistol before the axe crashed down on his head.

Flash Gordon jumped from his damaged rocket cycle to land near a dorsal hatch near the bow of the captured war rocket. Swiftly descending the ladder, he pressed through the crowds of hawkmen until he reached the bridge. Vultan was pumping his fist in the air and receiving cheers from his soldiers, but Flash went straight for Biro. "That was an impressive ambush. Your timing was brilliant."

Biro nodded gravely. "Six dead, eleven wounded. To take an enemy vessel defended by fifty soldiers with blasters that can fire far faster than ours... The death toll would have been horrific if we'd delayed in the slightest. In war, if you're fighting fair–"

"You're not trying hard enough?" Flash guessed.

"-you deserve a mutiny," Biro finished.

Flash thought back to the stories of WWI trench warfare, and the millions sent to die needlessly. Biro was probably correct.

The Ajax came about, and they rocketed back toward Ming's capital.

"So, Biro!" Vultan roared happily. "What's the next stage of this glorious operation?"

"We smash this rocket through the lightning field."

"Do you expect this vessel to survive the impact?"

"No," Biro admitted. "But it can still provide us cover until the last moment. The lightning field has an offensive element, spraying deadly shots in all directions. We'll remain safe within this warship until just before impact, at which point all of our troops will pour out every available hatch and port."

"Not a bad plan!" Vultan said, giving Biro an impressive smack on the back that nearly knocked him over. "Based on your timing during the ambush, I expect everything to go flawlessly!"

While the Prince moved through the dense crowd, giving and receiving commendation, Flash focused on the brains of the operation. "Biro, as you pointed out before the battle, my main goal is to save Dale. Despite your brilliant tactics, six of your people have already died. I volunteer to pilot this ship into the lightning field."

"You'd have no hope of survival," Biro said, looking him up and down.

"I trust you to finish the battle and get Dale to safety."

Biro smiled. "I'm impressed, human. But that's not necessary. The fastest flier in our army should have no trouble zipping down that corridor and escaping prior to impact. The lightning field is vast after all, and at a certain point it would be impossible to miss, even with no one at the helm."

Xem Nonn struggled to stay awake. Manning a guard tower felt profoundly redundant while the city's lightning field was active. No one could get in. But with Ming the Merciless getting married (for the gazillionth time), perhaps Xem was just a decoration. A few guards in dress uniform manning towers added a little to the visual flare of the proceedings. But if Xem actually fell asleep, he'd spoil that image, and execution would be guaranteed. Ming had a tendency to execute his wives out of boredom, so Xem would get zero mercy if anything went wrong.

Standing at stiffer attention to stay alert, Xem faced toward the altar below. The wedding neared its conclusion, and no one acknowledged how openly the bride despised the whole affair. Made somewhat uncomfortable by this, Xem allowed his eyes to wander.

Just in time to see the lightning field shut down.

Xem blinked. Then he squinted. Then his eyes widened.

Uh oh…

A war rocket was now visible, battered from shots that had previously been scattering from the field. Maybe that was why the field had been disabled. If that rocket was having trouble slowing down, it might have crashed into the field and been destroyed.

But it still wasn't slowing down.

The guard certainly wasn't a high-level strategist, but it felt like one ship crashing into the lightning field probably would have been better than risking that ship crashing into the city. During the Emperor's wedding.

The war rocket entered the city's airspace with no sign of slowing. Worse, a small course correction now pointed it at… the altar?

Xem nearly fell over in shock when hundreds of hawkmen spilled out of the rocket. A guard on another watchtower opened fire, wounding one of the invaders, but then fire from at least a dozen other hawkmen converged on that guard's position. In the chaos, Ming's bride sprinted away from the altar.

In mere seconds, Xem weighed his options. With the field sabotaged, hundreds of hawkmen swarming the city, and an enemy-controlled rocket aiming to kamikaze the Emperor, things looked pretty bad. And since Ming was also the worst boss ever…

Tossing his laser rifle away, Xem swiftly tore off the most obvious and flamboyant elements of his uniform. Then he raised his hands in surrender.

In a well-controlled crash-landing, the war rocket impaled Ming the Merciless with its pointed prow.

Whoa. That was pretty good aim.

With total control of the air, the hawkmen faced very little resistance. With the Emperor dying in such a public way, very few soldiers were willing to face the certain death of firing on the invaders.

I guess I'm out of a job.

Author's Note:

It should probably be embarrassing when a kindergartner understands tactics better than you do.

Allow me to explain.

When I was very short, I saw Flash Gordon for the first time. I was blown away by the wild, whimsical color palette, the zany costumes, and the wacky action scenes during the first two acts. I didn't really understand everything that was going on, but I found most of it fun, scary, spooky, and/or exciting.

And then it got to the battle to capture the war rocket. And my fun was replaced with confusion, annoyance, and finally disgust.

The Vultan character had been entertaining and even likable. But then the writers ruined him in this scene. Because when you finally see him in command of a battle, he sucked. This guy was almost as unforgivably incompetent as the horrible WWI commanders who fed millions into the meat grinder because… it was the thing to do I guess? Vultan had the extreme advantage of total surprise, and soldiers with incredible mobility. But instead of triggering a brilliant ambush, he just hovered there like a total doorknob while the enemy rocket cleared the clouds, saw the threat, sounded the alarm, and got dozens of soldiers into position to fire. Then, Vultan orders the first wave of his hawkmen to fly into a storm of lasers. He then just chills, waiting for them to get massacred, and then sends the next wave. And they get massacred.

I was in kindergarten. I couldn't even read yet, and it was still blindingly obvious to me that this commander sucked. He wasn't just stupid and incompetent, he was callous to the point that mutiny would have been fully justified. And of course this wasn't the character's fault. It was the writer. Because even the freaking soundtrack thought this was somehow a good decision. Upbeat, fun, rambunctious rock music sends a very weird message when hundreds of heroic soldiers are getting slaughtered due to the hideous orders of their Prince. Even freaking Flash just sits there, watching, not caring or reacting to the needless deaths, until the one other Hawkman with a name gets wounded.

What. The. Crap.

Again, it should be pretty humiliating when a kindergartner instantly sees that your battle tactics are unforgivably dumb, and that your attitude toward your own soldiers is what you might expect from a cartoonishly evil villain.

Sigh…

Even in a campy, silly sci-fi movie, certain basic tenets of reality still apply if you want audience investment to survive until the end credits. When a commander sets up an ambush, and then just sits there twiddling his thumbs until the enemy is ready to mow his guys down…. He is an idiot.

And when that commander treats his men's lives like he's a kid throwing action figures off a bridge to watch them break… He is a villain.

So yeah. For me, that one battle took a fun, campy, visually imaginative, amusing romp, and twisted it into something my tiny self could only view with disgust. So this little story is my new headcanon to restore my ability to enjoy my memories of this film. The idiotic tactics of that scene in the movie were just Biro's nightmare scenario of what would happen if his tactically-lobotomized Prince called the shots. Instead, Biro assumed command, actually used the element of surprise, valued the lives of his men, and suffered a tiny fraction of the losses.

No offense to major fans of that movie. If this one scene had been snipped out and replaced with the caption "they stole a rocket," I would have loved it all the way through. This is my little coping mechanism to help me like it, and to allow me to like the otherwise fantastic character of Vultan.

Reviews welcome. I hope I didn't trigger you…