Author Note -
So this is set sometime after Gangsta Gangsta (3.06) and before Should I stay or should I go (3.07).
I'm assuming Manny/Sully were together at this time no sign of Cranny yet and obviously, Sean and Emma split up and I imagine Sean isn't necessarily dating Amy by this time. I hate the title, it's pretty generic. Enjoy though!
It had been at least three months since Emma and Sean split up and Manny scored an invite via Sully to a random rager-type party. Emma of the course covers for her best friend so she has no choice but to come along, after some begging from her she accepted they're going.
Manny did Emma's hair and makeup like hers and let her borrow something 'hot' to wear since Emma's plain jane clothing aesthetic wasn't 'in'. Manny's obsessed with appearances all of a sudden. It never was something Emma considered getting overdressed, sure looking clean in some fresh clothing and wearing something simple but she wasn't the flashy sequin or bright-colored kind of girl. The trio arrived and quickly split up and Emma wound up a wallflower quietly sipping out of a red solo cup and looking around but big surprise no one caught her interest. The room was full but she felt alone. She didn't take the split well but it didn't really show. She took it out on herself. She just dove into homework and could care less about how she looked to anyone.
Meanwhile, as her mind was clouded in thought she also hoped she'd not be subject to an awkward conversation with her ex, everyone else was having fun, but she wasn't really having a good time. After all her friend ditched her for her boyfriend and she felt awkward the instant she came but didn't know why. She truly hated parties, she's only been to a handful in her life. She hated the messes they created, she was a serial notetaker study, and bookworm, and besides, parties were too unpredictable for her taste but she begrudgingly attended even the rite of passage of stealing booze from Spike's liquor cabinet unnoticed so at least she had a bottle of something to get through the night. We got Manny and Sully in a corner kissing, couples and friends dancing, we got other couples just cheering each other on a game of beer pong, loud music, bad drunken karaoke, losers making on girls that don't give them the time of day, and every cliche of a high school party archetype.
She decided she was ready for a refill and she was just contemplating everything when she realized she remembered this place, when it wasn't full of roaring teenagers but watching movies on the couch. It made sense finally, It was Sean's house just unrecognizable and less recognizable he of all people is throwing a party. When they were together he barely liked that stuff but she presumes she didn't know him at all. They never truly got the closure, or perhaps he did but she still yearns and it still hurts. It is often said time heals all wounds or maybe they simply just scab and scar forever.
So she's at a party not looking like herself, so she had a random guy in grade 11 of course attempt to start a conversation with her but he wasn't someone she'd be interested in. At first, he looked sweaty and unkempt, and plus he was drunk, drunker than her, "Yo you're in that club right with goth girl Ellie and Ashley right?"
"What club?"
"The niner who Sully is tappin' looked mad good at the meetings."
"They're not -," Emma burst up laughing and then turned her head to that corner where the couple had been kissing moments earlier and then back at the guy confused and concerned, "How would you even know that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" He shrugged sipping his drink and she noticed he missed a part of his mouth to the cup and some red jungle juice got all over his white top, "Ah shit I'm such a slob, I didn't get your name?"
"Emma, Emma Nelson."
"Why don't I get you a new drink?"
Visibly uncomfortable and unenthused before she could open her lips to speak, she heard a familiar voice speak, "Is he bothering you."
"Yes, definitely," Emma answered in a hurry awkwardly as her eyes followed the voice that belonged to Sean. The guy was intimidated despite being an upperclassman, "Sleep it off, Dave. Leave her alone she doesn't want to talk." He calmly escorted him to another part of the party and Emma could see him pass him a bottle of water. She was surprisingly okay with seeing him because he got that weird guy away from her. What next she couldn't really expect, but he walked back to her and offered her a smirk. "Thanks for that."
"It was nothing, you dodged a bullet Dave here's a stage five clinger with all the ladies. He's always like that. I'd offer you a drink but it looks like you got a bar in your hands."
"Oh, this?" She held up the bottle of flavored vodka, "a mixer would be nice."
"Come to the kitchen with me," they trudged through the sea of people and music, she followed him and they got to the fridge and he handed her a sprite. The kitchen was quiet most people were in the living room so she actually can hear him if he spoke, "one sprite coming right up."
She couldn't help but notice he had a fridge with hardly anything inside. Condiments, leftovers from god knows when, a whole chocolate cake, and of course booze and some different mixers. "Why are you being so nice to me?" Emma asked him quite seriously, awkward laughter, him getting rid of Dave, and just his general tone with him he was actually the nicest he ever was to her but she wasn't buying it and she wanted to know why.
"I uh I don't know. I'm not mad at you, I guess." his expression softened as he was caught off guard, "and you're not mad at me so we're civil or cool like that I guess. I don't know, Em."
"I just don't know why I said that. It's not a big deal, just how we left things I figured that you like hated me. I feel stupid for saying anything at all. Just forget I said it anything."
"You're not stupid, you're like the smartest girl I know. You're gonna be alright."
"I didn't expect a pep talk," she took a sip of her drink.
"For the record? I could never hate you I was just mad. Then later, after I wanted to talk to you but I figured you were too mad because of it all and how it ended up so I lost my nerve and assumed it was a clean break."
"Clean break?" She scoffed in disbelief, "maybe for you, but sure didn't seem that way," She combed a hair behind her ear avoiding eye contact, "I was a lot of things, and I was, I mean I am hurt."
"Yeah." Sean softly murmured, "Would you believe me if I told you I was sorry?"
"I don't know." She answered quite honestly.
"I have a funny way of showing it I know."
Sarcastically she replies holding the drink to her lips still avoiding and even though she wanted to have a simple conversation nothing was ever simple with Sean, "Don't I know that."
"I mean it though." She didn't say anything she just watched him, "You know, don't have to accept or forgive me but we've known each other far too long to be the way we are right now. We should've talked, I should've listened to you and I didn't. I never listen to anybody."
"I have more questions for you than answers honestly. What happened to you? It's like you became somebody else. I don't believe what I'm hearing."
"I guess I was upset with you stupid as it sounds."
"We could've talked then," She protested, "and even if you knew and you knew Snake was sick and the shit with that was beyond my control. I needed you." She looked at her drink disgusted with herself, for the first time she was being honest about her feelings with the very person who had managed to trample on those feelings weeks and months before, "Why now?" She asked softly and awkwardly her eyes somewhat welled with tears. If she were to say any more of what's really on her mind. "I don't like it." She took a deep breath and then made an uneasy face.
"It's not easy, I know it seemed that way it wasn't. You're the first person who was ever truly nice to me in this town." She softly smiled and he continued speaking, "we got angry in the heat of the moment, nobody's at fault here one hundred percent. "
"What's past is past I guess," Emma stated not even sure what it meant at the moment. When they split up they had a verbal argument and said a lot of things, she forgot the exact words but it pushed and forced her to flip.
"What did you want to tell me then?"
"It doesn't really matter now."
"I'm sure it does, I may be dumb but I'm not blind. You had a note or something and you crumbled it and I didn't catch it. I wanted to know.." he knew there was or had to be more to the story.
He was right, observant catch She supposed. She decided a second like this wouldn't happen between them again. She finally took a breath and remarked, "I wanted to salvage us and you know I felt so stupid after you didn't want to talk to me in front of your friends like I was embarrassing or nothing or nobody to you. Also, it was a picture of me and a message." She hopped off the counter seat across from him after she was down she grabbed her drink and added. "Now you know."
She was fished with the conversation. She got closure but somehow she wanted more. Another part wanted it all to go away and to exit. She hated feeling that heartbreak again even if it was fleeting and tasting the notion of tears she remembered all too well. She decided to go look for Manny. She heard a voice from behind, "Emma please wait."
She turned back around, "I don't care what most people think about me. That being said, talking about it and you and all of it honestly hated rehashing it because I'm forced to feel it all over again. Like when something falls apart a porcelain doll or something and no matter how much time goes by the scar remains there reminding you it happened in the first place and that crushing humiliating and sad loss and seeing you and speaking to you I care what you think because all it's all very personal but I like when does it hurt less?"
"I feel horrible, Em you deserve better than that or somebody better than me."
"I don't want you to feel bad, but you really have to stop beating yourself up for this is counterproductive." Emma laid into Sean with some honesty, and maybe for the first time, he isn't a woe-is-me case here. He knew he had messed up. He didn't offer much of a reaction aside from a nearly inaudible yah, Paige was right when she called him a one-syllable kind of guy. He turns more inward when he hears some criticism of his ways but maybe for the first time, he was thinking about how his actions, his words, and his thoughts have consequences which is something that hurts him deep down. He always had to be strong for somebody, or be strong for others but when he has to be strong for himself he falters.
She finally spoke on the rather personal experience in an honest and kind way, "I just hated that silence and you now can hear me out. So yeah, I said all I was gonna say. Just know this, for whatever it's worth thank you." He was listening to her he was practically in the palm of her hand, hanging on the words and then she says, "I'll see you around."
Sean offered her a slight grimace, something nagging him remains but he didn't let it show and be known, "I don't know what to say, but I feel that, I mean II guess so. See you around, Em."
She pretended to ignore that weak feeling she gets when Sean calls her Em. Everybody close to her calls her affectionately, Em but when he does it, it does something to her. It felt like home and she hadn't heard that from him in a while. She knew they'd never be in that place again, where they were falling for one another or loving one another in a relationship. He feels more than he lets on, but the closure was miles better for her at that time and she knows in her heart if it was meant to be it'd just be. She didn't feel vengeful though, the opposite, the book is closed and it's time to grow up, and placing childish grudges in her path is going to get her nowhere. She didn't think she'd speak to him again that night, but life had other plans as per usual.
Emma left the kitchen with her drink, determined to go to find Manny, he went back to his guests. He truly didn't expect to see and speak to her again after their split but it cleared the air a bit. It was tense and somewhat sad and even if it hurt her she could day the same in or similar situation. "She passed out!" Sully yelled out causing Emma to switch her attention and Sean's to the commotion. "She's not moving and I'm terrified."
Emma calmly asked, "Sully, where's Manny?"
He was distraught and pointed in the direction unable to speak.
Manny was laying in bed asleep or passed out in pretty shitty shape. She drank a lot and was likely dehydrated. She was sweaty and a little pale. Sean made a move to end the party by flickering the lights and telling everyone to leave. He knew having the party was a mistake. Now there were three Sully Emma and Sean, an unlikely trio to take care of business. Emma quietly murmured, when Sean pulled up a chair beside Manny, "thanks, sean."
"How much did she drink?" Sternly he asked Sully who seemed a little put of it. He shrugged claiming he didn't know, "c'mon you were with her all night. Now all of a sudden you don't remember?" He adjusted Manny's pillow so she had a better airway.
"I don't know if she pre-games, it's not a simple question."
Sean, frustrated with how useless of an answer he received from Sully got some water and ice from the kitchen and Emma made a cold compress to put on her head Sully just nervously sulked and paced the room alternating between the two and sat beside Manny attempting to wake her up. He felt horrible and he only could imagine what people were to think if they found out. Emma didn't really care for Sully or their relationship but she still sprung to action when she saw the look of desperation and fear in his eyes. He knew Sully didn't care about Manny the only thing he was worried about is reputation.
"She had a few glasses of jungle juice, and a shot of my dad's private stock " he pulled this big bottle out of his pocket, it was some sort of brandy or whiskey. Sean knew all too well his dad drank that stuff. It was some heavy-duty liquor that knocked her out coupled with being thirsty. Emma was shaking Manny attempting to wake her and she was getting super frightened, "Sean honestly I didn't know she was a major lightweight."
Manny is not a big drinker, she likely drank for liquid courage for her party date with Sully. This is the first Emma had ever seen her this way and it terrified her.
"Sully you can go." Sean bellowed knowing the severity of the situation before them, "you're not taking this seriously and she's your girlfriend. Wow."
Emma's interest was piqued and even though this new brand of Sean she hadn't really liked his shift in attitude and style, she liked that Sean took charge of the situation even though he didn't have a reason to so maybe he does have some loyalty to Emma intact. Sully got up unscathed and smirked. "Well nobody had a gun to her head she asked me for the shot."
"Just go." Emma dismissed Sully somewhat frustrated and told him blankly as she was covering Manny's head with the compress. That may help. Sully realized rapidly they were being serious and wordlessly walked out. He wasn't to be much help but it gave them time alone again to possibly finish their conversation or simply have one. It was now a waiting game and the hospital wasn't out of the question but was a concern at the time. Manny's condition improved, but it wasn't where they wanted it to be yet.
Sean was used to this, this is precisely why parties aren't his thing his parents were big drinkers, and he thought most everyone gets plastered after they come from work just to do it again every day. When he came to TO the first time before he met Emma and he was meeting other kids and realized their parents cook for them, dote on them, and even if they work they don't gamble or drink it all away. He always was the one thought that had to take care of the home front, he did his best and it wasn't easy for him. Money was always tight, and some things never change because he doesn't have much now but when the aid check might help him pay the bills, he's considered a job but he can't help but feel lonely with Tracker out with his girlfriend or at her place all the time after work. He always had to take care of his parents, it was as if they were the kids and he was the man of the house. He was respectful, did what he was told, and offered to help them, but inside his frustration, hurt, anger, and resentment festered there. He fortunately never lost his temper on his parents because he knew it'd never matter anyway they were still gonna drink daily and the cycle would likely repeat.
He can tell this is the first time Emma when it came to this type of situation. She was mostly following his lead. They were largely silent. He broke the silence, "When I said I'd see you around well I didn't expect it to be so soon."
She managed a chuckle, "Am I bad company?"
"No." Softly he answered sort of bashfully looking away, "no you're fine. It's just" he paused, "weird I guess?"
Finally, they spoke in unison, "Awkward."
"You're a jinx, and yeah, yeah it is." Sean answered and then looked her way also rare chuckle escaped his lips before speaking, "Not in a bad way just, I'm just gonna say this and it won't leave this room but does it have to be?"
"It's not me." She was quick to defuse blame, "I wanted to fix things." Then she paused feeling like a dummy for admitting something she didn't want to and covered her mouth with both hands. And then before he can say something else she told him honestly, "You just said no."
"I was mad and no it wasn't what our fight was about. I was mad because it didn't seem like I was a part of your life. After we got back to school, our schedules weren't similar because I took a few different classes like Autoshop and I don't know I drifted with Craig too. It sucks."
"Yeah, I know you guys were pretty close."
"It's whatever."
"I felt discarded from your life since Jack was born. I know he's a baby and he needs stuff and you were saddled with the responsibility and I guess I saw somewhat what I went through being the parent when the actual parents were too busy to parent and I wanted to tell you but I hate when you're mad at me if I were to bring up that stuff. I didn't like how Simpson and your mom put all of it on you. I didn't think it was fair but the moment he was born I never saw you and I missed you. I missed you long before we broke up. And before you ask, I still miss you. I miss who we were but so much has changed at the same time."
"I'm not sure why we couldn't talk before, but I see where you're coming from I missed you. The real you, the one I always knew. Not this person you became. I feel this glimpse of who you are today, tonight rather but I hadn't seen you in a long time." She acknowledged what he said, even if it hurt to admit, " I never discarded you. You more than likely discarded me because you thought I was discarding you. Have you thought about it that way? I had a lot of time to think about it and this was unexpected that I'd ever talk at length with you or anyone about this ever! I can hardly wrap my head around it. It doesn't feel right."
"I don't know if we'll ever know but we were both hurting in different ways and there's so much I don't want to talk about, but I'm glad we at least straightened things out.
The truth of the matter is, they both feel love for one another but now it's so complicated with so much hurt taking place in the past and in the present and of course the external and internal conflicts in their heads. "I didn't expect to have this sobering yet, much-needed conversation with you."
"What sorts of things?" He asked, "the ones you don't want to talk about?"
"If we ever run into each other, maybe someday you'll know all about it. It's stupid." Emma couldn't help but notice on the bedside table, a photograph of the two of them on their very first date. It was in a tiny frame next to the lamp. She picked it up, "You still have this?"
"Of course." Sean somewhat embarrassed, "it was a good time, for the most part."
"Sans digging through garbage for my wallet."
He chuckled reminiscent, "How is that wallet anyway?"
"It's somewhere in my room, kind of got lost in the move to the basement probably," Sean didn't come from or have much in his life, this little token was significant in his life first it was his very first date, and Emma herself very important person to him, he cares what she thinks and still has residual guilty feelings about their past. Despite their issues, he remembers and looks back on that first date fondly. He truthfully didn't even know it was on the bedside table, he never moved it or got rid of it. He doesn't have that kind of regret where he regrets Emma or dating her or whatever but how he managed to really fuck it all up with the one problem he seems to have with his temper. She let out a giggle, since Snake's cancer and Jack's birth a lot is going on in her life, but it was one of the first genuine laughs she got in some time from an unlikely source. She didn't think she'd be sitting on the edge of Sean's bed reminiscing about the past, closure for the recent past, and somehow some odd high hope for the future that they'll both be okay or that maybe someday they'll find their way back to one another. They both, despite everything still care about each other.
Sean helped Emma move to the basement, he silently wondered if he still had the other photo he was too bashful to ask and even then he figured this conversation isn't about knowing everything, it was about hearing each other out. He usually filters out what he says to her, he doesn't want her to see the screwed-up version of him that he desperately tries to hide. A little of that guy came out when they had their big blow-up which led to their break up. This conversation was a long time coming.
"As I said earlier, I'm really sorry about what I said."
"When?"
"When we had that stupid fight."
"It doesn't matter." She attempted to lighten things up, "it was months ago. I accept that in the heat of the moment, we both said things we have come to regret."
"I know. Anyway, so while I've got you here, what's with your new look?"
"Oh, this?" Emma laughed out loud, shaking her head, "this? This isn't me."
"Precisely why I asked."
She was quiet for a few seconds, "I mean you don't look terrible but yeah not you."
"Manny dressed me and she wouldn't let me dress myself up. She's on this kick lately of dressing like Britney or Christina and I'm not into it. I'm not even sure who she is anymore. Everyone changing, everything is changing and I don't like it."
"I know what you mean and it sucks. It's part of growing up I guess."
"It doesn't suck any less knowing that. It'll probably be like this forever."
"I guess my pessimism is rubbing off on you."
After a few minutes, Manny sat up and looked around and noticed Sean and Emma sitting on the foot of the bed, "Emma? Sean?"
"Thank god you're okay." Emma excitedly jumped towards Manny to check on her.
"Where is Sully?" Manny asked worriedly, "is he okay?"
Emma explained calmly, "He freaked out that you I guess passed out and peaced. We kicked him out."
"Thanks for being there Emma." Manny hugged Emma tight and then when they broke from the hug she looked to Sean, "you too, Sean.
"Drink this." Sean took the water from the bedside table and place it into Manny's hands. When Emma saw the clock beside the water her eyes widened.
"Is it really that time? We're gonna have to go through the window, we missed curfew," Emma told Manny matter-of-factly, "Snake and my mom are gonna be pissed."
Sean overheard what was meant for Mannny and then offered kindly, "Or you guys can stay here, Manny needs to recoup anyway and I don't think you two should be walking around late at night."
"You sure?"
"Well yeah, you two take the room I'll take the couch."
"Alright then, thanks, Sean."
Emma laid down on the bed but the last thing she needed or wanted was to sleep and with Manny waking up to go to the bathroom to yack or simply just with everything on her mind she felt at ease not because she and Sean spoke again but that maybe things changing are normal like he said, that it's part of growing up but at least they had the good memories to balance the bad. That's how she wants to remember their relationship, fondly and not like something filled with drama and hatred. Even if after tonight they never speak again, tonight is a night she knows she'd never forget in the unlikeliest of moments. Sean thought as he lay on the couch aside from the massive clean up it was a nice conversation with Emma, and he too may be able to remember their relationship in the highlights and not something that was measured by its failure in the grand scheme of things. It took this stupid party for them to finally talk, not the hall, not a classroom but a house party, who would've thought?