Hi everyone.
As you can see, I'm re-uploading some of my old Loud House fanfics, but this time, I'm making it a series of one-shots about Lynn Loud Sr. and his misadventures. They're all gonna be about him being a Butt Monkey.
Just to let you know, this is gonna be the last fanfiction I write on this platform, because I'm moving over to Archive of Our Own.
That's right, fellas. I'm changing platforms from to AO3 under a new user name: G8heroesH8evl. From now on, I'll be writing my stories there.
It's been fun for a while, but I'm afraid that this platform just isn't for me. I'm gonna see if I have better luck on AO3.
Best of luck for everyone.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Loud House. It belongs to Nickelodeon and, formerly, Chris Savino.
Warning: Rated T for dark themes and mild swearing.
Nasty Lynn-Sagna
It is a cloudy overcast over the small town of Royal Woods, Michigan. The rain pours down as an aerial bombardment of waterfalls for as far as the eye could see. There was almost no one in sight on the streets, as people didn't want to get wet from the rain. Even if they have umbrellas, they still get drenched due to the wind being so strong that it would rip them out of their cold and slickened hands.
It is the perfect time to stay at home and feel the warmth of the chimney while drinking hot chocolate.
The same can be said for the Loud House, which is located in Franklin Avenue 1216. Inside that house there is usually a pandemonium caused by eleven people, ten girls and one boy. But on this rainy day, almost all of the siblings are just sitting on the couch covered in a giant blanket.
Lincoln Loud can be seen inside his room, reading his comics in his pajamas. While reading it, he looks up and sees the audience.
"Hey there. It's a dark and stormy night out there, perfect to be at home, feeling all comfy and warm." Lincoln narrates "It's nights like these that remind me of the time my dad and his boss thought they killed the health inspector. It was a bright and sunny morning that day."
A few weeks ago...
We see the Aloha Comrade restaurant, a mixture between a Hawaiian straw house and Saint Basil's Cathedral. It had been a week since Lynn Loud Sr., the patriarch of the Loud family, got a job here, at first as a dishwasher, only to get quickly promoted to chef by the head chef Sergei Lagunov.
Outside, a fancy-dressed man with a bowler hat drove up and stopped in front of the restaurant. The scene zoomed into his badge that read 'Health Inspector'.
Inside, Sergei was counting dollar bills, but stopped when he felt a shiver up his spine.
"Ah...That smells like..." he gasped "The health inspector!"
He rushed to the kitchen, where Lynn Sr. was preparing food.
"Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here!" he exclaimed, which made his chef stop cooking. He and Lynn Sr. looked out the kitchen window, and saw how the inspector was observing the establishment and writing down on his clipboard. "If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes Aloha Comrade!"
"But Sergei, there's no need to worry." Lynn Sr. assured him, before putting on a dreamy look "Aloha Comrade is the most perfect place in Royal Woods."
Needless to say, Sergei was not amused by his employee's enthusiasm.
"You really need to lay off the fairy tales you tell your daughter in pink, comrade Lynn..." he said in a deadpan tone. He pushed Lynn Sr. out of the kitchen. "Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him."
Lynn Sr. went up to the inspector, who was at a table still writing on his clipboard.
"What can I get for you, handsome?" he asked trying to flatter him.
Sergei slapped his forehead. "We're doomed!"
"I'm gonna need you to bring me one of everything on the menu." The inspector said as he looked at his clipboard along with the menu card.
Lynn Sr. started walking backwards back into the kitchen.
"Excellent choice, my man. Coming right up!" he complimented, until he entered and faced his boss in concern "He wants one of everything."
"Then we'll give him a smorgasbord." Sergei declared as he held out a tray with different dishes. "The future of Aloha Comrade is at stake!"
Lynn Sr. and Sergei ran back to the health inspector and brought all their dishes.
"Try the Bacon-Roquefort salad, sir." Lynn Sr. offered as he stuffed it in the inspector's mouth.
"The Kona-Caviar sandwiches are a touch of Heaven." Sergei offered as he, too, stuffed it in the inspector's mouth.
"The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a borscht is exquisite." Lynn Sr. offered as he stuffed the borscht in the inspector's mouth, making it easier for him to swallow what he just ate.
"Fellas" he tried to say but got interrupted when Sergei shoved another soup into his mouth.
"Ukha-Lomi salmon soup?"
"Loco moco with kasha?"
"Roasted pig Pelmeni?"
"Gentlemen, please!" The health inspector exclaimed, but due to his mouth being overly stuffed, it came off muffled. Taking a glass of water, he drank it and started swallowing the food slowly. He glared at the two men, who flinched.
"Let me finish my work in peace." He said sternly as he clicked his pen, which was actually a fork that came out.
One hour later, the health inspector has eaten everything on the menu, as evidenced by all the empty dishes, and looked stuffed. He let out a belch contently. Lynn Sr. came over to him.
"And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?" he asked. The inspector got up and turned serious.
"So far, so good." he said while writing on his clipboard. "I just need to try a plain Lynn-sagna, and my inspection will be finished."
Lynn Sr. went back into the kitchen where Sergei was waiting. "He says if he gets one more Lynn-sagna, he'll pass us for the inspection."
His boss takes him by the shoulders
"Do you know what this means, comrade Lynn? We're in the clear!" he exclaims in excitement. Both dance off, then made leapfrogs over each other across the screen, and finally they started doing the Russian dance.
Suddenly, the news reporter was heard on the TV. "Katherine Mulligan reporting live from Royal Woods. We interrupt this victory dance for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now."
Sergei and Lynn Sr. could only stare in silence as they were processing this information. Had they been attending an impostor this whole time?
Sergei got furious when he heard this, narrowing his eyes as his ears let out steam.
"FREE FOOD?!" he bellowed in absolute rage, as his scream echoed all over the place. No way would he allow that mooch to steal their food and not pay!
"Maybe we should tell our guy about the phony imposter?" Lynn Sr. said pointing at the health inspector.
Sergei glares at him "Don't you see, you Сукинсын?(1). He is the imposter! We've been duped!"
"Duped!" Lynn Sr. gasped.
"Bamboozled!"
"We've been smeckledorfed!"
"That's not even a word, and I agree with ya!" Sergei concluded. Both looked through the kitchen window and they glared at the the health inspector, who was drinking his beverage, "Look at him. I bet he's a member of ISIS."
"I bet he has Mafia ties." Lynn Sr. said as he sees the inspector finish his drink and start using a toothpick.
"I bet his mother bought him that hat. If that imposter wants a Lynn-sagna, then by God, we'll give him one hell of a Lynn-sagna!" Sergei declared as he pulled out a Lynn-sagna. He then took a bottle of hot sauce and poured it on the dish "You're dancing with the Krampus now! Join me, comrade, or you're fired!"
"It doesn't seem right." Lynn Sr. said in hesitation, but then he put on a devious smile and held up a bottle of horseradish and a spoon. "But it feels so good! Horseradish, the gnarliest stuff in the world!" he exclaimed as he poured some of the stuff on the lasagna, while the sound of a horse neighing could be heard.
"Ohh, hold on, I've got a ton of toenail clippings in my office!" Sergei exclaimed as he ran off to his office.
Next, Lynn Sr. dropped the dish in dirty mop water. "Oops, I "accidentally" dropped it in the mop water!"
Sergei whipped out his dirty boxers "Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with my underwear!"
A few moments later, the Lynn-sagna was finished. It looked more expired now, with what appeared to be pimples and green meat. There were even maggots coming out. In fact, it looks so bad that not even Lana would dare to eat it.
"Why, that's the most diabolical dish ever spawned!" Sergei says. Both are wearing clothespins on their noses.
"I'll call it "The Nasty Lynn-sagna." Lynn Sr. says as they both laugh.
The health inspector is still waiting for his last meal. "Hey, hurry up with that Lynn-sagna!" he exclaims impatiently.
Lynn Sr. brings him the dish, barely containing his laughter. "Here you go, sir. Enjoy."
He then ran off.
"Ah, hello, delicious. Come to papa." The inspector says as he cuts a piece and is about to eat the Lynn-sagna.
However, before he could even have a bite, a fly, which had been attracted to the foul smell, went into his mouth and he started choking, causing him to drop his fork. Lynn Sr. and Sergei were sitting under the kitchen window as they heard choking sounds.
"Listen, he ate it!" Sergei exclaimed as he looked out the window. "Look at him choke!" he laughed. Lynn Sr. looked as well and they laughed at the poor man. "Look at him suffer!" Sergei exclaimed as the man continued to choke. Sergei and Lynn Sr. got back under the window laughing. "Did you see that comrade? The look on his face!"
The health inspector got up and he slipped on the lasagna, which caused him to fall backwards on the table. He laid down on the floor, unconscious. The fly came out of his mouth.
Lynn Sr. and Sergei continued laughing. Then the news reporter was on again.
"Katherine Mulligan reporting once again. We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this newsflash. The fake inspector has just been captured at Giovanni-Chang's. Here's his picture." A picture of the real imposter was shown. He looked like a criminal. "If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real."
Once the report ended, both men stared in shock at what they just heard. For the next few moments, neither of them said a thing, still trying to process this new information.
Which begged the question: if the fake health inspector was captured, did that mean the man in their restaurant was the actual health inspector?
Uh Oh.
"Phew!" Lynn Sr. said relieved. "That's a relief, eh Sergei? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it."
Sergei looked out the window and gasped. "I don't think he'll be laughing, Comrade Lynn!"
"Why not?" Lynn Sr. asked as he looked up.
"Because that lasagna killed him!" Sergei exclaimed in fear as they stared at the unconscious inspector, still covered in the rests of the lasagna.
Lynn Sr. and Sergei scream in horror.
"Sergei, we're gonna go to jail for murdering an innocent man!" Lynn Sr. yelled in fear.
"What do you mean "we"?" Sergei exclaims, refusing to admit his part in the crime "You're the one who gave him the lasagna! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!"
Lynn looked shocked, then turned angry "What?! But it was your idea to make the dish!"
"Well, you could've talked me out of it!" Sergei replied, still refusing to take the blame, but Lynn Sr. wouldn't have it.
"I would have, but you threatened to fire me! But what does it matter? My life is ruined because of you, Sergei!" he exclaimed at his boss, then turned fearful "I'll never survive in prison; they'll mop up the floor with me! What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?!"
Sergei grabbed him "Get a hold of yourself, comrade! We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it! We've got to take it out and bury it!"
Later that night...
The two men headed to the cemetery. Sergei had a shovel and Lynn Sr. was dragging the unconscious body. The latter was obviously not enjoying having to carry a dead body.
"Eww, gross, germs, it's all icky and corpse-y!" he exclaimed, gagging and shrieking while spraying it with disinfectant. He then pulled out a tissue box to pull a tissue and drag the body with it "Eww... I can't believe I've lowered myself to this. I became a criminal. How am I going to explain this to my family?"
Sergei raised his hand to shut him up "Wait, there's two people out there."
Lynn Sr. looked where his boss was pointing. He could see Lucy at another part of the cemetery, looking at a tombstone. She was accompanied by a Goth boy who appeared to have her same age.
"It's my daughter Lucy, but who's that kid she's with?" Lynn Sr. said as he stares at the scene.
Sergei narrowed his eyes, then gasped "It's my son Silas!"
"You didn't tell me you had a son."
"I keep my professional and personal lives apart, comrade. But more importantly, we can't let them find out about the dead body!" he panicked.
A light bulb appeared on Lynn Sr.'s head "I have an idea. Why don't we go bury the body somewhere far from here? There's a chance Lucy and Silas might find the body here. She has this spell that allows her to see corpses when they're buried."
Sergei stared at Lynn Sr. "Your daughter sure is creepy. She and Silas are made for each other. Anyway, let's move!"
The two men headed farther away somewhere as it began to get dark outside. Sergei had a lantern and shovel while Lynn Sr. was dragging the health inspector's body. Sergei got to the top of a hill.
"This should be far enough. Now get digging!" he ordered as he handed Lynn the shovel.
"Yes sir." The Loud patriarch nodded as he began digging, but then stopped when a clang was heard.
"What's the hold-up?" the Russian man asked impatiently.
Lynn Sr. got up to face his boss "There's a big rock in the way!"
"Well, toss it up and then get back to digging!"
"Yes sir!" Lynn Sr. saluted as he used his strength to pick up the rock. He grunteds as he tossed the rock out.
Below them, the health inspector woke up and started rubbing his head "Ooh, where am I?"
The big rock hit him in the head, and he became unconscious again. He groaned in pain.
An hour later, Sergei and Lynn Sr. have finished digging up the corpse.
Well, almost.
"Something ain't quite right." Sergei said.
"What do you mean, Sergei?" Lynn Sr. asked as we zoom out to be shown that the health inspector wasn't completely buried, as his head was still out.
"His head's sticking out!" Sergei pointed out.
"Sorry Sergei, I thought he might need some air." Lynn Sr. said sheepishly as he buried the inspector's head, covering it in dirt completely.
"They don't need air where he's going." Sergei remarked uncaringly as he begins to walk off. Lynn Sr. followed.
"Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?" the taller man asked.
Sergei struggled to come up with something.
"Uh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere and, uh-" he is cut off when his employee starts crying.
"What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why...why...why?!" he cries.
Sergei, having had enough of Lynn Sr.'s crying, grabs him by the arm "Listen here, you little mudak. No one, and I mean no one can ever know about this. Not even your family. If word of this comes to light, it'll be the end of you. And worst of all, it'll be the end of me!" (2)
Suddenly, a light is shining on them, and they turn to see, to their shock, two police officers, a male and a female, in a police car.
"Stop right where you are!" the male officer exclaims using a flashlight on the two men "I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you."
Lynn Sr. grabs Sergei by the shirt "Sergei, I can't go to jail! Officers, please, I have a wife and kids!"
Sergei covers his mouth to shut him up, and smiles nervously at the officers "And what would be the charges?"
The male officer turns off the flashlight.
"For not being at Aloha Comrade to whip us up some delicious Kona caviar sandwiches!" the police officer responded. The two officers laughed. Sergei. laughed nervously.
"Laugh, comrade." He whispered to Lynn Sr., who also laughed nervously.
As he laughed, it began to rain. The rain washed down the dirt covering the unconscious health inspector. The mudslide caused him to slide down the hill, right down to where Lynn Sr. and Sergei where standing. Neither of them noticed.
"Put that muddy shovel in the truck and we'll give you a ride back." The female officer suggested.
Lynn Sr. was still laughing, until Sergei hit him in the arm, shutting him up. They walked to the back of the car, where Sergei opened the truk. Lynn Sr. put the shovel inside.
"Lynn, listen carefully." Sergei ordered. "We're just getting a lift back to Aloha Comrade. I need you to stay calm and don't lose your cool, understand?"
As his boss was saying this, Lynn Sr. felt something down his feet. He looked down and his eyes widened in shock. He started shivering
"Can I lose my cool now, Sergei?" he asks frightened.
"Why?"
Lynn Sr. then pointed to the unconscious body in front of them, and both men screamed. Sergei grabbed the body and gave it to Lynn Sr.
"Put him in the trunk, comrade! I'll keep the cops busy!" he exclaimed.
"What's the holdup back there?" the male officer could be heard.
"Oh God! it's touching me!" Lynn Sr. exclaimed in disgust as he was holding the unconscious body. "Get away!"
He tossed the body in the trunk and sprayed himself with disinfectant, shuddering. The health inspector woke up again, but Lynn didn't notice and slammed the trunk on him. He turned to see the others.
"Ok, all set back here." He lied, laughing nervously "Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the truck."
Lynn Sr. and Sergei got in the car, although the former looked uneasy.
"All set" Sergei said confidently, while Lynn Sr. could only shake.
"You ok there, sir?" the female officer asked.
"Oh, he gets carsick real easy." Sergei lied with a nervous smile.
"Well, buckle up and we'll drive real smooth like." The male officer said. He drove off speedily.
During the ride, the two men at the back said nothing, until Sergei turned to his cook with a nervous, almost demented smile.
"Now listen, Loud, when we get to Aloha Comrade, I want you to take that shovel," he said with a wink "and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...er..." he stammered before rephrasing what he meant to say "I mean, stow it in the freezer. Un-der-stand?"
"I understand, Sergei, but what do you want me to do with the bo..."
Sergei covered Lynn Sr.'s mouth "...ttles of Vodka! Bottles of Vodka, Same thing, put them in the freezer."
The female officer looked at the two men awkwardly. Lynn Sr. and Sergei laughed nervously.
Once all the adults arrive at Aloha Comrade, Lynn Sr. went to the back of the restaurant with the unconscious health inspector.
"Ugh! I can't believe I stooped so low! My life was perfect, I already had my dream job, and now I'm an accomplice of a murder!" he lamented as he arrived at the back door. He tried the handle on the door, but there was a lock. "The back door is locked! What am I gonna do?!"
He then spotted an empty box and gets an idea.
Inside, Sergei was talking with the police officers. A while ago, he said something that made them laugh, but while they were laughing, Sergei was sweating, terrified of what would happen if the cops found out about the crime. He could already imagine it: his new life behind bars, his prestige destroyed and his name being mud in the newspapers.
Then, Lynn Sr. entered with the box labeled "Canned meat". Sergei noticed him.
"Hey there, comrade Lynn! I thought you were out back taking care of that shovel!" Sergei said, gritting his teeth as he twitched his left eye in anger.
"Well, the back door was locked so I came around here." Lynn Sr. explained, then pushed the box that had the health inspector inside. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put this box of canned meat in the kitchen now."
Lynn Sr. continued pushing the box into the kitchen.
"Alright, Comrade Lynn." Sergei exclaimed with a nervous smile.
"Where'd he get a box of canned meat?" The male officer asked. Sergei started sweating a little.
"Oh, uh, we had a late delivery today. They just leave our food somewhere outside." he fibbed lamely.
"He's actin' a little funny." The female officer noted.
"Funny? Oh, yeah." Sergei laughed in a forced manner "He's a real cut-up, that one. He knows how to keep the crew in stitches. Good one, comrade! Always on, that one. There's no off on his funny switch." he laughed; Lynn Sr. struggled to push the box with the health inspector in the box as Sergei and the officers looked on "Oh, ah, oh stop it! Oh, you're-you're killing me! he laughed as Lynn Sr. was trying to get through a door but the box was too big. In his struggle, he accidentally let the inspector's arm loose, which he quickly hid inside the box. Sergei, in his desperation, banged the cash drawer open "Oh! Look, I almost forgot! It's open cash register night! First two customers get all the money in the cash register!" he exclaimed as he handed out the money, hoping that his bribe would keep them quiet. Lynn Sr. finally got the box inside the kitchen.
Then the male officer got a call on his walkie talkie. He pulls it out.
"Officer O'Leary here." he said as he listened to someone speaking. He then turned to Sergei "86 those sandwiches, Lagunov. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff at the Royal Woods Cemetary."
This made Sergei shake with fear as he began sweating.
"I want a soda." The female officer said.
Sergei immediately gave her one "Here's your soda. Always a pleasure to serve our fellow officers. Well goodbye now."
The officer sipped the soda, until she stopped and noticed something. "Hey, there's no ice."
Sergei started sweating nervously.
"Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice?" he stuttered.
Lynn Sr. suddenly came up to his boss.
"The dark deed you requested is done, sir." He said in an ominous voice.
"I'll get it myself." said the female officer as she began to head back into the kitchen. "Ice is in the freezer, right?"
Suddenly, Sergei ran back and blocked the freezer.
"NO! There's no ice! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!" he exclaimed in a crazed tone. The female officer gave him an annoyed glare.
"Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder." She commented, not knowing how right she was.
Sergei continued sweating and trembling, feeling that he would faint at any minute. He couldn't hide the guilt anymore.
"Alright, I confess! Loud killed him!" he exclaimed pointing to his employee, much to the latter's shock.
"What?! You can't blame me for this whole rap! You made me your accomplice!" the Loud patriarch reclaimed in outrage at the betrayal.
"He was insane, out of control!" Sergei continued rambling "He would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along!"
"It was all Sergei's idea! He's the criminal mind behind all this!"
"Arrest him now! He's a madman!"
"He wears a nightgown to bed!"
"Wait, I can explain! It's not what you think!"
"What the hell are you two talking about?" The female officer asked, finally losing her patience. At this, the two men pitifully hugged her hips.
"We killed the health inspector!" Lynn Sr. confessed, feeling the need to cry.. "We buried him, and then stuffed his body in the freezer!"
"You mean in here?" she asked as she opened the freezer. They all looked in the freezer, but they saw nothing.
"It's empty." Lynn Sr. said, surprised.
"Say, is this some kind of prank?" the female officer asked, unamused.
"Yeah, it's a prank." Sergei said as he went along with it.
Lynn Sr. giggled nervously. "Yeah, that's right. Pure comedy. In fact, I have a daughter who is a comedian."
"Hey, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out." the female officer said jokingly.
The four of them started laughing. Then they heard moaning as someone entered the kitchen. They all turned to see a shadowy figure that appeared to be ragged and covered in dirt.
"Aaaah! IT'S THE ZOMBIE!" Lynn Sr. yelled in fear.
The figure reached its hand, and flicked the switch. The light was turned on and the health inspector was seen, looking a bit messy. "Hey, you guys should..."
He was hit with a toaster by the male officer.
"Take that, you zombie!"
The inspector slowly rose up moaning in pain, a bump forming in his head.
"I'll take it from here." The female officer said as she hit the inspector with a barrel, knocking him out. "Die, zombie!"
"Good police work, Officer Nancy." her partner complimented. The officers then noticed the person more clearly. "Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector."
The injured health inspector lifted his head up with a dizzy look.
"Yes, and at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this." He said delirious as he showed all of them a note that has the word "pass" on it.
"Hey Sergei, look. We passed the inspection!" Lynn Sr. exclaimed in joy and relief.
They all cheered, except for the injured man. They all headed out of the kitchen.
"Come on everybody! Let's all have a round of free Lynn-sagnas, on the house!" Lynn Sr. said.
"Well, actually no." Sergei added.
The health inspector crawled out, a bit dazed.
"Oh boy, I'd really like lasagna now." he said in a slurred tone, until the door slammed in his face.
Cut back to Lincoln "Well, that's the story. Yes, they were all dumb, weren't they?"
A lightning strike is heard outside, making Lincoln yelp in fear.
Well, that's the first chapter, there's more where that came from.
Agent of LIGHT, out.
1) It's Russian for "son of a bitch"
2) Again, Russian for "idiot"