A/N: Hey, my first story here! This is just a fun little valentine's day fic I wrote (i know its way past valentines day leave me alone). Don't take any of the ships mentioned in here too seriously, they're just for fun!

The funny thing about non-faceless engines was that while the one thing that set them apart from other machines was their human-like face, they didn't really need the same things that humans spent all those years evolving their face for. The closest thing they could feel to hunger was a need for coal or whatever fuel they were running on, and they certainly didn't get that fuel through their mouth, nor did they quench their thirst that way.

Likewise, engines didn't need sleep nearly as much as humans did. On the contrary, most engines spent their nights awake, chatting away with their coworkers about what had happened that day. Sleep only came in the early hours of the morning, when the engines had run out of things to talk about.

This was one such night, as at Tidmouth Sheds, most of the engines were still wide awake as Percy and Thomas came back from their nightly mail run. While Percy exchanged greetings with the other engines normally, Thomas looked much more lost in thought than usual.

"Good evening Thomas," Edward greeted as the tank engine slid into his berth. "Are you alright?"

Thomas was snapped out of his thoughts by his friend's voice. "Huh? Oh, I'm fine Edward- I'm just thinking."

"That's a first," Gordon mumbled. James snickered. Edward ignored them both.

"About what?"

Thomas hummed. "Do you know if the word 'cheating' means anything else?"

Edward blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Thomas looked around. "You know how 'break' can mean two different things, right? Like- it can mean something actually breaking, or someone taking a break? I was wondering if cheating worked like that too."

The engines fell silent, all mulling over the tank engine's question.

"Well, I can't think of anything," Henry said after a brief pause. "Why do you ask?"

Thomas' face scrunched up in confusion. "I was doing my usual passenger run along my branch line when at one of the stations, this girl and boy were arguing. The girl kept on saying stuff like 'you cheated on me! You cheated on me!'. They were so loud the stationmaster had to break it up!"

Most of the other engines were taken aback by this. Stationmasters rarely got involved with passengers, even if they were arguing.

"It must have been pretty bad," James observed.

"That's what I don't get," Thomas replied. " I get what it means to cheat. It means you broke the rules in a game. But what does cheating on someone mean?"

Gordon wheeshed steam, rolling his eyes. "Isn't it obvious, Little Thomas? It means they cheated at a game they were both playing in. Or a race."

Thomas didn't look satisfied with that answer, as did Duck. "I don't think that's right either," the Great Western engine said. "Driver said he divorced someone because they cheated on him once. I don't think cheating at a game would do that."

All the other engines shared alarmed looks with each other. None of them really got human relationships, but they knew divorce was a big deal. And very rarely was it a good one.

"Then it's super important to not cheat on someone," Thomas inferred, looking down at the rails. "Because then they'd get divorced, and divorce is a bad thing."

Duck looked up, humming. "I dunno about that," he said. "My driver did seem a lot happier after he got divorced."

"Happiness doesn't always mean something good happened," Edward put in. "It may also mean something bad has stopped happening."

"I still don't get what divorce means," Percy piped up for the first time since he came back. The sheds fell silent once again. No one wanted to admit it, but no one else had any idea either.

"Well," Duck said after a pause. "Driver stopped talking to them after they divorced. They didn't visit each other, or say hi, or anything."

"So they stopped being friends," Percy guessed.

Gordon scoffed. "It can't be that simple. I've heard it requires a lot of paperwork. Why would not being friends require paperwork?"

All of the engines looked to Duck, who had somehow managed to become their resident divorce expert.

If Duck had shoulders, he probably would've shrugged them. "How am I supposed to know? Driver doesn't like to dwell on it, so neither do I."

"Do you think it has something to do with marriage?" Henry asked. "That requires a lot of paperwork too, and it's got something to do with friendship."

"How'd you figure that?"

"Well," Henry answered. "A friend of my driver's got married to his best friend once. He said that, even after marriage, they'd still be each other's best friends."

"So marriages end friendships?" James said incredulously. "That doesn't sound right."

"He just said that they were married and still friends, you dolt," Gordon scolded. "Obviously that doesn't end friendships."

"Well, excuse me!"

"I think," Edward interrupted after thinking for a while, "that marriage is something more than friendship."

"More than friendship?" Percy asked, puzzled. "How can someone be more than friends with someone else?"

"Well, when people get married, they do things like kissing. And friends don't kiss each other, right?"

The engines thought deeply about his suggestion. "Wait a second!" Thomas shouted, catching them all off guard.

"Wh-Thomas, don't shout so loud!" Gordon snapped. Thomas ignored him.

"Percy," he said, eyes going straight to his friend's confused face. "Do you remember when we helped out with that wedding a couple of years ago?"

Percy blinked. "Uh, yeah?"

"The bride kissed you!"

All of the other engines gasped as Percy's face heated up at the memory.

"Does that mean… Percy's married? To that bride?" James asked in a whisper.

"B-But! Marriage needs a big ceremony! We spent a whole day looking for things for that wedding! A-and she was getting married to someone else! Everyone there said so!" Percy stuttered.

"People can get married multiple times," Duck pointed out. "That's what my driver did."

"I can't believe you married this whole time and didn't tell us!" James snapped.

"I'm not! I don't even know her!"

"Then why'd she kiss you?"

Henry wheeshed steam, getting the other's attention. "But can engines get married to humans?"

"Well, I'm friends with loads of humans," Thomas said. "So why couldn't I marry one?"

"Humans have weird rules, Little Thomas." Gordon rolled his eyes. "This entire conversation has proven that."

"Percy has a point," Edward said. "I was just saying that people who are married do that regularly. The bride only kissed him once."

Percy wheeshed steam in relief. "See? I'm not married!"

Thomas frowned at Edward's statement. "That can't be right."

"What? Why?"

"Because Driver called me and Bertie 'an old married couple' once and the only thing we do is race and talk. We don't kiss or anything."

The shed fell into a shocked silence.

"Wait so…." James narrowed his eyes. "Does that mean Thomas is married to Bertie?"

"But they didn't have a big ceremony! Or kiss!"

"To be fair, it would be pretty hard for Thomas to kiss Bertie. Considering how much taller he is."

"I don't think someone saying you're married doesn't mean you're married-"

"Why not?" Thomas asked. "My driver's married. He would know what being married is like."

Edward paused at that. "Thomas," he said quietly. "Do you want to be married to Bertie?"

The tank engine frowned in response. " I mean, I guess? Bertie's a sore loser, but we're good friends. I wouldn't mind being… more than friends with him, I think. Whatever that means."

"So you wouldn't mind kissing him?"

"J-James!"

"What? I mean, the only thing we really know about marriage is that it has a big ceremony and that people kiss during it! He's gotta do one of those things!"

"I think it would be hard for me to kiss Bertie, like Duck said. But I think we could have, like, a race all across Sodor as our ceremony! That'd be fun."

Gordon yawned. "Can we continue this conversation tomorrow? I've got an express to pull in the morning and it's getting awfully late."

"Are you upset because I'm getting married and you're not?"

"I thought you were already married-"

"Why would I be upset at that, Little Thomas?"

"Because everyone important is married!"

Yet again, the sheds fell silent.

"Um," Duck said after a second. "What?"

"Think about it!" Thomas very nearly yelled. "Sir Topham Hatt's married, right? To Lady Hatt! The Duke and Duchess are married to each other, the mayor's married, the Earl's married, almost all of our drivers are married-"

"He's right," James said, suddenly sounding very faint.

"So getting married means you're important?"

"I think he means the other way around. Like, if you're important, you get married, or something." Edward frowned. "Human relations are very confusing."

"You're telling me."

"Wh-I'm important!" Gordon wheeshed.

"But you're not married," Thomas said cheekily. "So you must not be that important."

Gordon looked horrified at the mere prospect of being less important than Thomas. His eyes frantically searched the sheds, as if something that would restore his prestige would appear right in front of him.

Finally, Henry spoke up again. "We could get married if you want, Gordon," he suggested shyly.

Gordon paused at this. "Alright," he said after a moment.

"Wh-really?!"

"Why not? Me and Henry are very good friends, so going beyond that couldn't hurt."

"And you two could actually kiss each other," Percy observed, making the two big engines blush.

James blew his whistle. "No fair, I wanna get married too! I'm just as important!" His eyes darted around the sheds. "Edward, let's get married!"

"Wh- why me?!"

"Well, Duck and I aren't that close-"

"-Fair enough-"

"-And I definitely don't wanna get married to Percy."

"Wh- what's wrong with marrying me?!"

"Don't worry Percy," Thomas said sweetly. "Maybe you can marry Toby!"

"Toby's already married!" Percy whined. "To Henrietta!"

"Maybe we should ask him about this marriage stuff," Duck suggested. "He might know how to marry engines!"

"Maybe…"

"Edward, are we getting married or not?"

"U-um, sure? I guess?" Edward stuttered out. "I'm just- this is very sudden, James."

Duck grinned. "Just make sure you don't cheat on each other and get a divorce!"

"Did we ever figure out what that meant?"

"Thomas, we don't even know what marriage is. How would we know that?"

"Well, maybe now that we're all getting married, we'll figure it out!"

"Don't you dare cheat on me, Henry."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"I'm still not married!" wailed Percy.

The engines did not get much sleep that night, still discussing their new relationships and how they would have their ceremonies. When their drivers came to start them up the next morning, they were in for a hell of a surprise.

A/N: So, I am planning on publishing some more TTTE stuff soon, that will actually be serious and not mulling over how an engine would interpret human relationships. If you liked my writing here, be on the lookout for that (: anyways peace out, and be sure to review if you enjoyed!