I never thought I could be so happy. "Happy" doesn't even express this deep, warm, sun of joy filling me like sweet wine. I am bursting with it! No one can ever have felt like this! I am so happy that it is changing into worry. Worry that it is not real. Worry that I will be dropped from this impossible height back into my old, dark,deep pit of despair.
It's not like I've never been happy before. I have. But, a cautious, fleeting happy, alighting and leaving like a butterfly flitting through a field of flowers. One of those infrequent moments when I forget about Lee, such as when I hear an evening songbird's sweet notes.
I mustn't even think about Lee. Lee Sharkey. My husband. He is hateful and bitter, and treats me with the contempt of a mean man towards an inferior and disappointing field animal. All he ever wanted was my father's money, and not getting any of it soured him into a relentless tormentor. I have to fight off the tendrils of fearful doubt that I truly can escape from him, but dear Jim has assured me that Lee, like all bullies, is a coward who would never stand up to him. "Jim. Jim Garza." Even saying his name aloud is like music to my ears. Such a beautiful, gentle and thoughtful man! He touches me as if I were made of gossamer, with an unbelievable tenderness. He has awakened my dormant heart.
He will be back anytime now, the wagon loaded with our supplies for Colorado, and by sunset today we will be far away from this poisonous house and Lee. Oh, I do wish I had time to visit with sweet, thoughtful Kitty once more! She would see how pretty Jim's love has made me, and how happy I am.
"Happy." Such a simple word to describe how my entire being feels like it would float up into the sky if I let it! I do have a deep, nagging worry about how I would not be able to cope if anything should go wrong. If anything should…God forbid…happen to my Jim. I need to shake such thoughts right out of my head! Jim has promised me that we will live happily ever after, and I DO believe him! I MUST! If anything goes wrong…
Now I cannot remember how I came to be sitting here, staring at these flowers, hazily hearing the big, kind Marshal's soft voice as he stands nearby. No, of course I can't go to town with him! Jim is coming! We have plans! We're going to Colorado to get married! I feel a frisson of panic rising like a cold sickness in my belly.
Stop it now, Nina! I will sit here in this kitchen that I soon will leave forever with Jim, and concentrate on this vase of bright yellow flowers that he gave me. The first flowers I have ever received. I will stare into their petals, gently touch them, and count the ways I love my Jim. My joy-filled mind will stay anchored to earth that way until he is here to take me to our happy future life. Focus on the flowers. The beautiful, soft yellow flowers. Only on the flowers. Not on the lingering sounds and smells of recent gunshots and terrible words and deeds.
Suddenly I realize that if were to step out of my body, leave all of the unbearable pain of the world behind, and think only of Jim, I would break into blossom and escape forever.
End.