- CHAPTER VII -

"Prehistoric Sex Positions"

The Neanderthals were quite the humorous bunch. Sure, they were pesky and primitive, but their sense of humor was something to be admired. In fact, it has been speculated that the Neanderthal had a rich understanding of humor and even invented some of the earliest "jokes".

One of the most talked about subjects among the Neanderthals was a curious topic: prehistoric sex positions. They experimented with many different positions, and some of them were quite comical.

One such position was dubbed "The Sitting Cat." Of course, this one was fairly self-explanatory. The male would sit in a chair with the female perched atop him, resembling a sitting cat. This was a highly popular position among Neanderthals, as it allowed for penetration without much effort.

Then there was the ever-popular "E chameleon." This position was slightly more advanced, as it required some flexibility and acrobatics. The male would lie flat on his back and the female would straddle him, essentially making them look like a chameleon.

Next up was the "Pterodactyl." With this one, the female was completely supported by the male. It was essentially the same thing as the "Sitting Cat" position but with the female facing the other way.

The last, and perhaps most creative position was called the "Neanderthalian Boogaloo." This one was particularly hilarious. The male and female would essentially jump together in an awkward dance-like motion, similar to a boogaloo. While quite funny, it was also somewhat effective.

No matter what position the Neanderthals tried, one thing was certain: they weren't afraid to have fun with it.

The Neanderthal tribe was having a great time living in the prehistoric era. They were quite content with the way things were going and there was never a dull moment. One night, things changed.

At first, it seemed like the typical night; the tribe was gathered around the fire, eating and drinking and singing songs. But then something strange happened. Without warning, all the Neanderthals began spontaneously and energetically engaging in what appeared to be some kind of weird form of dancing.

At first, the chief assumed that they were just getting carried away in their merry-making and he looked away. Unfortunately, the strange dancing continued for some time and it soon became apparent that something unusual was happening. All of the Neanderthals were moving their bodies in the same, repetitive and rhythmic motions and were making strange grunts amongst other noises.

The chief had no idea what this was, but he knew it wasn't normal behavior. He ordered the tribe to stop and explained to them that this kind of behavior was inappropriate and could lead to serious consequences. But, instead of stopping, the tribe members simply moved further away from the chief and continued their strange movements.

The chief, desperate for an explanation, asked the tribe what was going on. One brave Neanderthal stepped forward and explained that they were trying to invent a new position to make love. The chief was shocked and, not quite knowing what to do, ordered everyone back to their caves.

Since that night, the tribe often gathers around the fire after dark and practices inventing new sex positions. In fact, they have become so good at it that they had an entire collection of unique positions

It was the dawn of a new day, and the Neanderthalian tribe was preparing for a very special celebration. On this day, they planned to partake in a ritual unlike any other—one that had never been done before.

As the sun rose on the tribe's camp, one brave tribesman stepped forward with a challenge: he wanted to conduct an experiment to find out what the sensation of 'cunnilingus' and 'felatio' were like.

At first, everyone was hesitant and scared. They had no idea what these strange words meant, let alone how to do them. But, the bold tribesman reassured them that it was safe and would bring pleasure to those involved.

With a little bit of persuasion, the tribe finally agreed to try something new. As soon as the tribesmen began to carry out the ritual, it was clear that this was something entirely different than anything they had ever experienced before.

Some tribesmen referred to the strange activity as 'udder licking', others called it 'tongue wrestling', and yet another tribe member named it 'the art of pleasurable scratching'. Whatever they called it, the results were fantastic – everyone was left feeling incredibly satisfied!

Grunting and slobbering on the partner's lap. I imagine the Neanderthal man jabbing his tongue forward in an awkward, haphazard way, taking breaks every now and then to lick his lips and make exaggerated smacking noises. His technique was rough, yet passionate, made even more so by the grunts and growls of pleasure coming from both participants.

The ruckus, would possibly carry on with the female pushing her partner down onto her. The couple would keep up this dance for some time, until both were overcome with blissful exhaustion.

In addition to providing pleasure, some of these positions were also thought to improve fertility. For example, the "missionary" position was said to increase the chances of impregnation since it places the male partner in a dominant position above the female and facilitates deeper penetration.

While some positions had an explicit purpose, others were likely invented for mere entertainment value. The "doggy style" position, for example, may have originally been a joke between two partners, but it quickly gained popularity among ancient humans who appreciated its uniqueness. Similarly, the position called "spooning" was likely invented as a playful way for couples to connect and enjoy intimate moments with one another.

No matter the original intention, prehistoric man and woman alike surely enjoyed experimenting with different sex positions and exploring what felt best for each of them.