The Terrible Secret of the Addams Family
Wednesday Addams was back at home after completing her first term at Nevermore. She was in her room, writing some notes for her next novel when she heard voices in the corridor. Then her mother, Morticia, opened the door and came in, a smile on her cadaverously beautiful face.
¨Wednesday, darling! Uncle Fester is here!¨
A familiar bald figure appeared behind Morticia, grinning. Wednesday jumped to her feet in excitement and ran to hug him. ¨Uncle Fester! You got away from the police, then?¨
¨Oh, sure,¨ he chuckled. ¨ Those amateurs never even came close to catching me.¨
Morticia said, ¨ I´ll leave you to get caught up,¨ and withdrew from the room, leaving the door open.
Wednesday and Fester sat on the bed and chatted excitedly for a while. Wednesday talked about seeing the ghost of her ancestor, Goodie Addams, and how Goodie had helped her defeat the plot to destroy Nevermore School. ¨She was a true hero - heroine, whatever,¨ Wednesday said. ¨She has inspired me to fight for the rights of Outcasts.¨
Uncle Fester laughed. ¨ It´s good to see you so excited,¨ he said. ¨ Looks like you´ve found something to….¨
¨Believe in? Definitely. From now on I want to dedicate myself to working for justice for Outcasts - for people like ourselves, against the Normie majority.¨
An oddly uncertain expression flickered over Fester´s face.
¨What´s wrong?¨ Wednesday asked.
¨Well… you do know… uh…¨
¨What?¨
¨Well, the real secret of the Addams family.¨
Puzzled, Wednesday, asked, " What do you mean?¨
Looking uncomfortable, Fester replied, ¨I thought you knew. Us Addamses - although we identify strongly with Outcasts… in terms of our own ancestry…we´re human! We´re Normies ourselves!¨
There was a long silence. Wednesday stared at her uncle in total amazement. Then she hissed,¨ What did you say?¨
Fester shrugged. ¨We´re human - it´s true. Our DNA is completely human - no vampire or werewolf or anything. Oh, some of us have psychic powers - including you, apparently. And we have had a few genetic abnormalities like Cousin It - but he´s basically just a very hairy human, nothing too weird about that. If he wasn´t part of our family he would have been in the circus - in fact, he still gets offers from time to time!¨He patted Wednesday´s hand sympathetically. ¨At the end of the day, although we try to be different, we´re just plain old homo sapiens. Even Thing is just the result of a voodoo spell.¨
He looked over at the disembodied hand which had been relaxing on Wednesday´s desk. Thing gave a drowsy finger tap of acknowledgment.
Wednesday was still struggling to take it in. ¨But I always thought … we were Outcasts,¨ she said miserably.
¨To all intents and purposes we are,¨ Fester replied.¨ We sympathize with Outcasts, and live like them. But genetically speaking, we´re not really Outcasts ourselves.¨
¨How did… How did that happen?¨
Fester got up and pointed through the doorway at a portrait hanging in the corridor outside. ¨The family was really started by Goodie´s grandfather, Charles Howard Phillips Addams, who came to America from London after he had been accused of witchcraft. He brought with him his wife, Gabriella, a Spanish lady who had also been accused of witchcraft. She was a powerful psychic - so the psychic powers and the Latino element in our family both come from her.¨
Fester, who loved telling stories, paced animatedly as he continued his explanation. ¨Once they arrived here they allied themselves with the Outcasts. Gabriella saved several werewolves from horrible fates, and Charles saved a whole bunch of witches from the stake. They also made friends with the local Indian tribes - or First Nation tribes, as they call them now - and their medicine men taught them a lot of stuff. Ever since then we Addamses have pretty much identified ourselves with the Outcasts. But, like I said, we ourselves are human.¨
Thing suddenly gave a few animated taps. ¨But we aren´t average humans,¨ Wednesday translated.
¨He definitely got that right!¨ Fester said. ¨Some of us have psychic powers - you know all about that now. Some of us are good at magic, though we never really got to the Merlin level. But also, there is a family tradition of…. I suppose you would call it eccentricity. Your mother and father are just carrying on a long tradition of not fitting in - not wanting to be normal.¨ He chuckled. ¨Whatever ´normal´ is anyway!¨
¨I´m okay with that,¨ Wednesday muttered.
¨I know you are. And that makes you a good Addams, in my book anyway.¨
¨Thank you.¨
There was a long silence.
It got longer and longer.
Then Wednesday said quietly, ¨I wish you hadn´t told me that.¨
¨Why not?" Fester asked.
Wednesday suddenly exploded: ¨Because MAN is the greatest monster of all!¨
She rushed over to her desk. She opened a drawer, rummaged in it, and pulled out an old book. She opened it quickly to a particular page, then held it up so that Fester could see what was on the page. It was a photograph showing a huge, tangled heap of human bodies beside a river, with a uniformed soldier in the foreground.
Fester nodded sadly. ¨World War Two. The Nanjing massacre of 1937.¨
¨Since the beginning of human history, how many humans have died in wars? Or been murdered? Or died from poverty that could have been prevented by a more equitable distribution of wealth? Or diseases that could have been prevented if the Normies didn´t put most of their energy into killing rather than healing?
¨On the other hand - how many humans are killed each year by werewolves or vampires? A handful! By gorgons? Hardly ever happens! But since the dawn of time, humans have been killing each other in multitudes - in the name of their gods, or their kings, or some other crappy reason!¨
¨All too true,¨ Fester sighed.
¨And look at what they are doing to the planet! You would think they had another planet ready to move to, the way they treat this one - but they don´t. They cut down the forests, poison the seas and the air, send species into extinction almost every day….Human beings are monsters on a level that Outcasts could only dream of!¨
¨That´s true as well,¨ Fester said, and then gave an odd little snort.
Wednesday looked at him closely. ¨Are you LAUGHING?¨
¨I´m sorry,¨ Fester chuckled, ¨but you are really magnificent when you´re angry! You show the Addams spirit. But of course, you´re right. Homo sapiens is the greatest monster of all. Most of the animal species on this planet would agree with you.¨
Wednesday spluttered, ¨And now you´re telling me that - that -¨
¨That we ARE human. I know. It´s the worst news I could have given you. Like a guy who always thought he was a black dude finding out his ancestors belonged to the Ku Klux Klan, haha!¨
¨Don´t joke about it, Uncle Fester,¨ Wednesday said in a dangerously quiet voice.
¨Sorry.¨
Again there was a silence. Fester looked at Wednesday and saw that her eyes were fixed on something in the corner of the room. He followed her gaze and saw that she was looking at a collection of small glass bottles which contained herbs, philters, and so forth. Wednesday had been using them for her spells and potions (an Addams family tradition).
Some of the herbs, such as belladonna, were fatal if taken in a large enough dose.
Fester jumped to his feet with a horrified expression. ¨No! Don´t do it! Don´t even think about it! Us Addamses look all Gothic and gloomy - but we don´t kill ourselves. That´s, um, taking it too far!¨
¨Why not?¨ Wednesday asked bitterly. ¨You´ve told me that …¨ Her voice tailed off and a tear slowly ran down one cheek. Fester sat down again next to her and brushed the tear away sympathetically.
¨Wednesday, I….. I once felt like you do now. I was a young man during the 1960s. There was a lot of optimism then - you know, the hippy generation - let me tell you about Woodstock sometime! I was there! But anyway - back then, there was a lot of hope that humanity really could change.
¨But then came the Vietnam War, President Nixon and Watergate, inflation and problems with the economy…. And all that hope and optimism seemed to fade away. There was another brief flare of optimism when the Berlin Wall came down in the 1980s but generally, over time, the hope seems to be fading. The problem of course is that humans can´t even live with each other, let alone the Outsiders. What is the solution to all that? I don´t know.
¨But the thing is… You might not believe it, but when I was a young man, I used to be considered good-looking. And I had long hair, like all the hippies did. But some time after Nixon resigned, I had a bad depression. I started to hate myself for being human - for being part of this failed, mixed-up species. I thought of suicide, but I couldn´t quite manage to do it - cowardice, I suppose. But you know what I did? I did what seemed like the next best thing. I cut off all my hair!¨
¨You did what?¨ Wednesday asked.
¨Cut off all my hair. It had been down past my shoulders, and I was so proud of it. But I cut it all off and used a Voodoo spell to keep myself bald. So-¨ Fester patted his own bald scalp. ¨I´ve been like this ever since. But I guess I did it as a way of…. Well, rejecting my own humanity. Showing that I no longer cared about being a hippy or about being human at all.¨
Despite herself, Wednesday let out a chuckle. ¨I never knew you were a hippy, Uncle Fester.¨
¨Let me tell you about the Grateful Dead sometime!¨
¨Grateful dead?¨
¨Uh, they were a band. Anyway…. The thing is, hating yourself for what you are is just pointless. I can´t change my human DNA and you can´t. Neither can your parents. Hating the person you see in the mirror is an absolute waste of time and energy - unless it inspires you to make yourself a better person. Then it´s a good thing.¨
Thing, on the desk, started tapping again, loudly and emphatically. ¨We are not… normal… humans,¨ Wednesday translated. ¨We are different. We live as the Outcasts live.¨
¨Exactly right!¨ Fester said. ¨Look, we´re human, but we can still make choices. You can be your own kind of human… and that´s exactly what you´ve been doing for the last few years. Okay, some of your actions might have been a bit questionable… like putting the piranhas in the swimming pool at your previous school…¨ (Wednesday sniggered) ¨But, anyway…. The Addamses have always gone their own way. We have always chosen our own path. You can still do that.¨
Wednesday managed a slightly watery smile. ¨Thanks, Uncle Fester.¨
He smiled back. ¨That´s more like it. There is only one Wednesday Addams!¨
¨Thank God for that!¨ said a voice from the doorway.
¨Pugsley?¨ Wednesday glared at her brother.. ¨How long have you been listening? Get away from my room!¨
Pugsley laughed loudly. ¨You´re weird even for an Addams! I´ve always said so!¨
Wednesday picked up a pillow from the bed and advanced toward him menacingly. ¨And you need to be returned to the hospital where you were born, because you are obviously DEFECTIVE!¨ She threw the pillow at him. ¨Get out!¨
Still laughing, Pugsley ran off down the corridor.
Uncle Fester grinned. ¨Gomez and I are brothers, but we don´t usually fight. I wonder what we could be doing wrong?¨
¨You´re lucky…. I suppose,¨ Wednesday sniffed, retrieving the pillow she had hurled at Pugsley.
Fester got up off the bed. ¨I need to go and see Gomez. We´ve got some stuff to talk about.¨ He looked at Wednesday and his craggy features softened. ¨ Will you be okay?¨
Wednesday smiled. ¨Yes. I´ll be fine now. Thanks, Uncle Fester.¨
They hugged, and then Fester left the room, going off in search of his brother. Wednesday went to her desk and sat down, and after a pause to collect her thoughts, started typing again. After a few minutes, she suddenly stopped typing and looked off into the distance.
¨Human?¨ she repeated in disgust. She sighed heavily, then went back to her typing.