Chapter 1 - The Padawan
Plot: After losing his lightsaber in the fight with Maul, Obi-Wan has to make a new one. Except somehow, his kyber crystal is sentient. He still can't decide if it's more helpful or annoying to have a talking lightsaber that acts like a very annoying, older sibling.
Author's Note: This is a gift request for Justalonleysoul on ao3. I hope that you enjoy this two-shot! :D
~ Amina Gila
Everything still feels so empty when Obi-Wan reaches into the Force to meditate, always automatically expecting to feel Qui-Gon somewhere nearby. It hasn't even been a few weeks since Naboo.
He doesn't know how to continue without his master. Qui-Gon has been a part of his life for thirteen years, and Obi-Wan has very rarely worked without him. It's been rarely enough for him to feel entirely lost, either way.
It's especially true when he has a padawan to train, who is definitely the strangest padawan the Order has ever had. Anakin is the Chosen One, and Obi-Wan has absolutely no idea how to go about training him. He's a former slave, too, and Obi-Wan doesn't really know what that means, either.
Anakin doesn't act like a normal padawan. Obi-Wan has to explain all the basics of the Jedi way to him from the start, and it's sometimes hard to remember that all these things that are so obvious to him aren't to Anakin. He can't even imagine such a life, let alone figure out how to deal with it.
Qui-Gon would have known. He always knew.
Now that Qui-Gon is gone, Obi-Wan will have to move on, though he doesn't know how to start going about that. It feels so wrong that is master isn't here.
He misses him more than he thought possible, and he keeps expecting to sense him – except instead, he keeps feeling a nearly alive sensation from his new kyber crystal. He'd gone to Ilum to get another crystal immediately after Naboo, but something about it has just felt... strange. Maybe he's imagining things. Considering everything that happened on Naboo, he can't say he would be surprised.
Obi-Wan senses a sudden subtle shift in the Force, and a strange figure suddenly starts materializing in front of him. It's humanoid, but he doesn't think it's distinctly human, whatever it is. Their dark brown hair is braided and reaches past their shoulders – though Obi-Wan can't really tell how old it looks. It's eyes are violet, and something about them is... all-seeing.
"What are you?" Obi-Wan demands, instantly on guard, even if he doesn't sense danger.
"I am Yildiz. Your crystal," it replies – the voice is vaguely feminine, but at the same time... not exactly. It doesn't seem to have a gender at all. Then again, seeing that it claims to be his crystal and it feels like now that he's thinking about it, that's not a surprise is it?
Except that this doesn't make any sense. Crystals aren't sentient.
"That's impossible," Obi-Wan argues. Because it's not. There is no way in the galaxy that his crystal is talking to him.
"I am here, aren't I?" they ask, smiling. Obi-Wan eyes them warily – he's not entirely certain what of this is or isn't a vision. It's normal for people to have visions when they bond to their kyber crystals, but this is unlike any he's had before. And he is not particularly accustomed to visions, either. The first time his rare nightmares became repetitive was after Qui-Gon died, too, so he really doesn't know how to deal with this strangeness.
"How can I know you're not a trick of the Sith?" he asks accusingly. He needs to know that before he believes anything it tells him.
"You can sense me, can't you?" it – they? – asks, "Do I feel of the Dark Side?"
"No," he admits grudgingly. But that doesn't mean much, considering that the Sith are back somehow, after a thousand years, and no one knew.
"Then you have your answer."
"How can you be my crystal?" Obi-Wan asks, "Kyber is not sentient. It is a concentrated point in the Force, susceptible to the flow of energy."
"Think of it as a manifestation of the Force," Yildiz replies.
"Why now?" he asks suspiciously. He still can't be certain he believes what this is – the timing, the suddenness, is too...
"It's the will of the Force," the crystal replies, "We all have a purpose to serve, Obi-Wan."
He thinks of the emptiness that's consuming him. He does have a purpose, that of training Anakin, and throwing his focus into that makes it easier to handle, but the reality always crashes back into him. Qui-Gon would know how to handle this. Obi-Wan doesn't. He didn't want to train a padawan so soon, either. There was simply no other choice, because it had to be done, and it was his promise to his master. If only that would be enough for Obi-Wan to know how to handle the fact that this child is... completely out of place among the Order.
It hardly helps now that everyone is looking at him like he's a hero, a legend for killing the first Sith in a thousand years. He's not. He should have been able to save his master if he was.
Maybe, Obi-Wan thinks grudgingly, it does make sense for this to happen now, in some sense.
He can't help finding himself resenting that this only happened after he got Anakin, anyway. Qui-Gon was going to have Anakin replace him. It just feels as though nothing about him has mattered until Anakin came into the picture. He lets go of that spontaneous surge of jealousy a moment later – it's not the Jedi way.
"What do you want?" Obi-Wan asks instead.
"The question is what do you want?" his crystal replies.
To have Qui-Gon back, he thinks, but he would never say that – it's not the Jedi way, either. He can, and will never, voice how deeply he craves to have his master back, because he has no idea what to do now. If he didn't have Anakin, he'd be lost, but now that he does, it makes him feel lost even more so. If he couldn't save his master, how is he to train a padawan without failing him too? "I don't know," Obi-Wan answers finally, because in truth, he has no idea.
The figure studies him in silence. "Okay." And then it just fades away without another word, almost as though it wasn't there from the start, but Obi-Wan can feel the strange presence humming inside his lightsaber, which is by far the strangest sensation he has ever encountered. It's an odd mix of both of theirs. Why this is happening, he doesn't know, but despite this... very, very strange vision, he has things to do.
**w**
Obi-Wan truthfully believed the crystal was nothing more than a vision. He didn't ever expect to see it again, until he does see it again. Yildiz appears in front of him again when he's alone in his room, except he's not meditating this time. "I thought you were a vision," Obi-Wan grumbles. He still doesn't believe this is possible, but he can't deny it.
"I already explained to you what it was," it reminds.
"That shouldn't be possible," he huffs, "How can kyber be sentient? That's unheard of."
"We did discuss this before," Yildiz points out, amused. Can a crystal be amused? Then again, most crystals can't talk, either.
"I still do not understand why you chose now."
"The Force chose it, actually." That almost sounds like something Qui-Gon would have once said. It's been a few months since Naboo now, since everything happened, and even if the numbness Obi-Wan felt in the aftermath are gone now, he certainly doesn't feel like he's nearly begun to let go.
"You grieve your master," Yildiz guesses. It has a look of understanding in its eyes that Obi-Wan hasn't seen from a Jedi in a long time, and so rarely from anyone.
"Letting go is the Jedi way," Obi-Wan replies instead, because that's truly the right response in this situation.
"It will take time for you to process and accept it, though."
"I should have already," he argues. "It is our duty as Jedi." He doesn't see how everyone else is able to let go so easily, or maybe it isn't always as simple as it seems on the outside.
But how is he supposed to train Anakin if he's so lost in his own emotions? How is he supposed to continue his master's legacy, continue being a Jedi and... all of that, when it feels like he's drowning in grief?
"He is at peace in the Force," Yildiz reminds.
"Are you a part of the Force?" Obi-Wan asks, "An... embodiment of the Force?"
"Not precisely," Yildiz replies, "I am a part of the Force, but I am also a living being."
"Like a kyber crystal with a soul?" Obi-Wan inquires dryly. It sounds ridiculous enough that he could almost laugh about it.
"I believe the kyber actually may be my soul," it answers, amused.
"How long have you been on Ilum?" Obi-Wan asks, "How long have you been... alive?"
"I have little flow of time," Yildiz tells him, "I saw you pass when you first went to Ilum, and I had been there for... sometime."
Maybe they were... created at the same time, then. It's definitely a strange thing to contemplate. Obi-Wan still doesn't entirely understand what this means. "Why did I not find you until now, then?"
"I don't know," Yildiz answers, "It must have been as the Force willed it."
"I don't understand how you know so much."
"I learn from all who come to Ilum," it replies, "I feel their fear and joy. I live with them, seeing their experiences and the time that passes in the galaxy beyond."
"That sounds... lonely."
"Yes and no. I feel everything. I don't need anything else. I am not human like you. I have no need for bonds with anyone aside from you. We were made to be one."
Obi-Wan isn't so sure he likes the idea of being a part of someone or something else, but he has to grudgingly admit that he sees and feels the truth to it, so he can't reject the very obvious fact.
He can only wonder – and worry – about what it'll mean for his future.
**w**
Using his lightsaber again on the first mission after Naboo is... strange. Very strange. He feels Yildiz's strange presence, and it feels like his crystal is somehow helping him fight. It makes him feel better, less alone. It's the first mission he's been on since he lost Qui-Gon. Anakin was left at the Temple – he's too young and not nearly ready enough to come; he doesn't even have a lightsaber yet – and it feels like it finally sinks in for the first time that Qui-Gon is gone.
He's not here, not right beside him – Obi-Wan has never been on a mission without his master before. Qui-Gon was very protective in that regard, and he said his master was the same. It must have run in their lineage, somehow, because Obi-Wan feels the same towards Anakin.
Truthfully, he's afraid of taking him anywhere, aside from knowing Anakin isn't ready. He can still feel the very real weight of his master's lifeless body, and he cannot let the same thing happen to his padawan. To the child his master entrusted him with raising, with training, with caring for.
"How does it feel to be in use?" Obi-Wan asks dryly when he senses a shift in the Force again. This time, he knows what it means, even if it's quite disconcerting.
"It's my purpose," Yildiz replies, sounding vaguely amused, and somehow, it hits him right then, the sheer ridiculousness of talking to his lightsaber, "But it's...different. When there is so much... energy being channeled through me. Perhaps it's much like how you feel when using the Force deeply."
"Maybe."
"And it's freeing to be here instead of on Ilum," it adds, "There's so much more to see."
He's strangely glad to have it here accompanying him, now that Qui-Gon isn't. It would be... jarring to be totally alone out here. Maybe it will be different once Anakin's out here, but then again, he's his padawan, his responsibly. Not a... friend. Not yet, at least. "What would happen if you were destroyed?" he asks, suddenly.
"I don't know," it answers, sounding slightly unsettled, its hair swishing at its shoulders as it walks alongside him. No one so much as glances at them. He's the only one who can see it. "I am of the Force, so I don't know if it could happen, but I would prefer never to know."
"I wouldn't want to get a new lightsaber," Obi-Wan agrees, flatly. For more reasons than one.
"We will always have a... bond," Yildiz comments, reflectively, "Kyber cannot be destroyed the same way a living being can be, so I imagine it would... last." Obi-Wan hopes that's true, more than he expected he would.
**w**
Obi-Wan feels lost every time he thinks about training Anakin. His padawan is... complicated, and Obi-Wan doesn't know how to go about training him. Anakin is obviously unhappy that Obi-Wan keeps leaving the Temple without him. He's made a point of that repeatedly, but he never outright objects to it.
It's very hard to care for someone when he's grieving, and he's grateful he's only Anakin's master and therefore, doesn't need to give him full, constant attention. Otherwise, he'd feel more like he's failing Qui-Gon than he already does. He has no idea what he's doing with Anakin, but at least he's not entirely alone.
Anakin is clearly excited when he finally does take him on the next mission – Master Yoda insisted it was keeping him behind in training. He would know those things after all, and it seems that he's right. He can't treat Anakin the way he would a normal padawan, and that's what makes things difficult. And nor is he... like Qui-Gon was as a master.
Things go smoothly until they don't.
"I was just wondering... what your life was like before you went to live with the Jedi," Anakin says, almost shyly.
Given how late he came, his question is hardly a surprise. He thinks about his past often – it's an integral part of him, and Obi-Wan doesn't know how to deal with that. That's not it's supposed to be for Jedi."Well, I can't say I really remember," Obi-Wan replies, "I was very young when I left my homeworld. I was identified as Force-sensitive and taken to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant."
"So, you were always a Jedi, then," Anakin realizes, expression falling.
"Well, no. I had to go through all of the same training that you are now. Remember, I was still a padawan when we met."
"I know, but you always knew what your path was. That you were meant to be a Jedi. You were never a slave or anything else like that. Maybe that's why the Council said I was too old to start training." He looks almost hurt now, and Obi-Wan really doesn't know how to deal with it. This entire thing is... difficult. The situation is nothing like when Qui-Gon trained him, and even he and his master had a rough beginning.
He reaches out, laying a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "The Council is right about many things Anakin, but they aren't perfect. Qui-Gon Jinn chose you to be his student as he once chose me."
He hoped the comment would help, but it seems to have the opposite effect instead. Anakin jolts to his feet, expression a mix of hurt and angry. It's confusing how his emotions shift so fast. They're uncontrolled, nothing Obi-Wan has dealt with before – everyone else he has known were raised Jedi and don't have emotions so wild. "But he died. So you got stuck with me."
"Anakin, that's not –" Obi-Wan calls, but he's already disappearing from the cockpit, the door clicking closed behind him. That's not what he was trying to say, but if Anakin left, he isn't about to follow.
He wishes Qui-Gon were here so he could... ask advice on how to deal with this, but he's not. No one is except –
Yildiz materializes next to him, as though in answer to his unspoken request. "It's not going to work if you don't try to make it," Yildiz says. "If your convinced enough that you'll fail, you'll only make yourself fail."
It sounds accusing, though Obi-Wan knows from their past interactions that it's never meant that way. "What do you know of raising a child?" Obi-Wan snaps back at it, anyway.
"Most of the people I observed on Ilum were children," his crystal volunteers.
"I know children," Obi-Wan retorts, "But Anakin is different than anyone I have ever known, and anyone who has ever been part of the Jedi Order."
"Yes, he is," Yildiz agrees, "You know what he is, and what he's capable of."
"My master thought him the one who will balance the Force."
"And what do you believe?"
"His destiny is... important, but it shapes too much of him." Obi-Wan doesn't know what to do about that, but he's too... uncomfortable at the thought of admitting it to someone. Master Yoda knows, but that's different. He always knows.
"You fear losing him as much as he fears losing you," Yildiz replies, "You must see that."
"I am not afraid," Obi-Wan denies, automatically. It's instinctive. He's a Jedi. They don't fear things.
"If you deny it even to yourself, it will only make it harder," it says firmly, "After you lost your master, this is natural."
Maybe, but he should be able to let go of that. Jedi shouldn't care about things like that."It's not the Jedi way," he responds, stubbornly.
"But it's natural for any living beings," it counters, "You had... no one until your master, and now, only your padawan. It is natural that you fear losing him. You can learn to work through it, but you cannot ignore it."
He does not like someone knowing him this... closely. It makes him extremely uncomfortable. He feels too exposed. "What are you recommending?" he asks, irritably.
"Accept that you care for him. If he knows that, it will help."
He thinks Anakin already does know that, but well... Given how he just stormed out of the cockpit, maybe not. "I cannot encourage an attachment."
"Denying it is what will blind you to your duty. And he will always be different because of his past. He cannot be the same as everyone else."
"I'm aware," Obi-Wan retorts, though he can't help but think about what it's saying. He's grown to care for Anakin deeply, beyond just a promise. Pretending otherwise does make it harder. Accepting an attachment and "letting go" like he's supposed are not the same, but what this embodiment of the Force is saying to him, it... might make sense. Maybe. That doesn't really help him figure how to treat Anakin, though, either way. "But he must let go if he is to become a Jedi."
"Perhaps he was not meant to be the same as the others."
"That is contrary to the core beliefs of the Jedi," Obi-Wan retaliates. He knows there must be truth to it, but he can't understand how it's possible.
"All mortals can be wrong," Yildiz points out.
"How can I know you're not wrong?" he challenges.
"You can't," it replies, "But I have seen much from the Jedi who came to collect their crystals. They all struggled with letting go, or they struggled because they had no one. Mortals cannot completely cut themselves off from all others. That is not the way of things. There is a difference between that and learning to control it. They are meant to form bonds with others. There is a balance point."
It makes sense, while at the same time, it really doesn't. That's not what the Jedi always say. But Obi-Wan has no idea what it means to be completely... detached. He doesn't know if anyone has been able to achieve that level, except Master Yoda, of course. "And what would you say this 'balance point' is?" Obi-Wan demands.
"It depends on the person, and what they find in themselves."
What that means for him, he doesn't know, but... it's something he needs to consider, at least if he has any hope of training Anakin properly. Which he doesn't, but at least he's not entirely alone doing it. He can't imagine what it would be like if he was.
**w**
But sometimes, whether he's training Anakin alone or not, he still finds it downright exhausting. Truth be told, Anakin is a child who knows very little of the Jedi way of life, and he never fits it. It certainly doesn't help that he attracts trouble like a magnet.
"How many times must I tell you this is completely unacceptable behavior for a Jedi, Anakin?" Obi-Wan demands, crossing his arms. Because this is not the first time he's got in a physical fight with someone since coming to the Temple. Of course, Jedi... argue sometimes, especially when they're young, even if they're supposed to learn not to, but it ending up like this is unacceptable. "You must learn better control."i
"I'm trying," he protests quietly. Anakin is most assuredly tiring at times, though Obi-Wan is fairly certain he isn't trying to be.
"If you were trying, why do you still not know how?"
It might've sounded harsher than he intended. He didn't mean for it to sound harsh, but Anakin always seems to take what he says that way, anyway. Nothing about his padawan makes very much sense to Obi-Wan.
"You're not being fair to him," Yildiz's voice filters in. Only Obi-Wan can see it, seeing as his crystal has materialized itself in places – and times – when other people have been around, but none of those times has anyone else been able to see or hear it. Unfortunately, Obi-Wan can't exactly reply without drawing attention and questions, though.
"Go to your room and reflect on this," Obi-Wan tells Anakin, exhausted. He doesn't know what else to say about it – this isn't easy for anyone involved, and he simply has no idea how else to handle it when Anakin gets like this. He always feels like he's failing him somehow, but he simply has no idea how else to deal with it.
Anakin nods, disappearing out the door without a word. He's so... quiet sometimes, but he's often so energetic. He can't sit still. It's confusing. He flips wildly between one end of the spectrum and the other, but never seems to be anywhere in between.
"What else would I do?" Obi-Wan demands the moment the door closes behind Anakin, leaving him... mostly alone.
"He's a child," the crystal replies, "He doesn't understand. You can't expect him to. That's not fair to either of you."
"What else would I do?" He hates how this sometimes makes him feel so... like he doesn't know what he's doing. Which he really, really does not, but it's different to know versus actually talking about it. It's easier to pretend there isn't a problem, to pretend that he knows what he's doing. Qui-Gon believed he could do it, though sometimes, Obi-Wan very much has his doubts about that.
"He feels alone," Yildiz replies, "I can feel it."
"I know. He doesn't have friends here like most of us do. He was raised by his mother. He's used to an attachment that no Jedi has."
"Maybe that's what you need to be," Yildiz suggests.
Obi-Wan eyes it uncertainly. "I can't replace his mother. That's not the Jedi way, and it's not..."
"Not replace," it objects, "I meant that perhaps you should... be that person he needs. A friend. He needs support, not condemnation and isolation."
"That is not within my control," Obi-Wan objects, "Anakin came later, Most of us have friends that we grew up with."
"He has you," Yildiz replies, "And that is the best you can give."
It's completely different from anything that Obi-Wan is accustomed to – because it's really the essence of attachment, though if this is really what it's meant to be like, he can't refuse. He can't willingly train Anakin in a way that will break the Jedi Code, but he... can try to do this. Maybe?
"How do I handle it when he's... like this?" Obi-Wan asks. He loathes directly asking for help, but he can't risk failing, either.
"Ask him why," Yildiz replies, "Talk to him about it. He already knows he made a mistake. You don't need to remind him."
"I'll talk to him," he concedes finally. It wouldn't hurt to at least try Yildiz's advice, and see how it's working.
"I could speak with him as well, if you want," it offers.
"... You can do that?"
"I can appear to others, with your agreement."
And all this time Obi-Wan thought it was only possible for him to see it. "If you're concerned about the people he's close to, perhaps that would be best." He's very rarely – if ever – nervous, but now is probably one of the first times in his life that he actually has been. This entire situation is... awkward, and one he would much prefer to avoid, but it was bound to happen sometime. He knew he couldn't keep it a secret forever, even if it wasn't important enough to mention.
Anakin seems surprised, and a little bit wary, when Obi-Wan enters his room. His eyes instantly zero in on Yildiz though. "Who are you?" he asks.
"My name is Yildiz," it replies, approaching him and crouching so they're more at eye-level. Obi-Wan remembers seeing Qui-Gon do that. He rarely does himself though. He just... doesn't really know how to deal with anything when Anakin is involved.
"You feel... strange," Anakin tells it bluntly, "In the Force.
"I am the physical manifestation of Obi-Wan's lightsaber crystal."
Anakin looks at Obi-Wan, eyes wide. "I thought it felt... alive somehow. Is that normal?"
"I had never heard of it until it happened," Obi-Wan replies, "It was unexpected. I haven't told anyone of it."
"Then... why can I see him now?"
"I only appear when I am needed," Yildiz explains, "I sensed you were upset."
Anakin frowns. "You came here... for me?"
He says it sounding so confused, like it's the first time he's heard something like that – considering where he lived, Obi-Wan figures it probably is one of the first times someone has genuinely tried to show kindness to him. That thought ends a stab of pain spearing through his heart. "Yes," his crystal replies gently, "I did. I know you needed help."
His padawan's eyes lift to Obi-Wan, confused. Somehow, he doesn't think Anakin will outright ask for details, so he opts to explain himself. "I know you don't understand the Jedi way of life, and it is... easy to forget that."
"And it's unfair to expect you to," his crystal adds, "You must remember that."
"I thought it's what I had to do?" Anakin asks, visibly confused.
"You were from a different place and background," Yildiz reminds, "You won't settle in immediately."
"But..." Anakin trails off.
He hates feeling helpless, but he does right now. "He's right," Obi-Wan tells him.
"You're not alone," the crystal assures.
"I still... feel like I am," Anakin objects.
"I know," the crystal reassures him, "And it will, but that's only natural, considering how you came here."
Yildiz told him that Anakin already understands he made a mistake, which is... good, but Obi-Wan doesn't really know how to handle it. He and Qui-Gon had problems, but it wasn't like this. When he did something stupid, his master would tell him so, and they'd leave it at that. But every time he's with Anakin, he always feels a deep-rooted sense of loneliness that he doesn't know what to do about. "How did you start fighting?" he asks finally.
Anakin looks away. "They called me stupid."
Obi-Wan suppresses the urge to facepalm. That is such a childish thing to fight about. "You know it's not true."
"Then why do I hafta keep going back to learn with the little kids?"
"You already know you were raised differently," Obi-Wan points out. "You weren't able to learn the things they did, especially in some areas."
"Then why do they always say that?"
"You know they're wrong," Obi-Wan replies, "Leave it at that."
"Will you explain why it's bad if you are considered 'stupid'?" Yildiz asks before Obi-Wan himself can just leave it at that.
"No one wanted me," Anakin answers, slowly, nervous and slightly confused. "If I'm not... um. What will happen to me if I'm not useful?"
This makes absolutely no sense. "You're a Jedi, Anakin. Of course, you're useful."
"I don't think that's what he means," Yildiz replies, "He's still used to being property."
Which is perfectly nice – not really – but Obi-Wan doesn't know what that means. "I don't have much experience with freed slaves."
"Why not?" Anakin queries, confused, "Isn't it the Jedi's role?"
"Yes and no," he replies, "We can only sometimes take on that role. We mostly settle disputes for the Senate. The galaxy is far too large for us to help everyone." Yildiz stands and moves out from between them, letting them stand across from each other. Obi-Wan doesn't know how to... try connecting with Anakin. He's never had to before. All his friends are his classmates, and he knew Qui-Gon for years before they became close. Plus, he was never the one to initiate any real closeness between them. "Qui-Gon may have given you to me, but that doesn't change you are my padawan. I am responsible for you, Anakin. That will not change, no matter how you turn out."
Anakin looks up at him, something not-quite-hopeful in his eyes. "Do you mean it?" he asks.
"Of course," Obi-Wan replies, and Anakin steps towards him, almost hesitantly, then moves the rest of the way and wraps his arms around his waist. They're alone now, but Obi-Wan could swear his crystal is laughing at him now. He ignores his spear of irritation at the amusement he can feel radiating from his lightsaber.
Seriously.
Obi-Wan lightly rests his hand on Anakin's back, not entirely sure what else to do. Anakin doesn't let go. Obi-Wan finally sits down on the floor, mildly surprised at Anakin's sheer snuggly-ness when he climbs into his lap. It's adorable. Even if Obi-Wan knows he shouldn't be encouraging it. But still, he has a reason to now – at least he has an assurance that it's not entirely wrong. At least Anakin isn't as small as he was when he first came. It's been eight months now – rapidly approaching a year. Some things haven't changed though.
Anakin's head rests lightly on his chest. It feels like an infinitely long time that Obi-Wan just... holds him. And a dark part of him wonders what would have happened if he didn't have help to work this through.
**w**
It's been three and a half years since Anakin came to the Temple now. He's twelve, going on thirteen. When that happens, no one will ever know. Obi-Wan still remembers the moment he first heard that Anakin has no idea what his birthdate is. It's not as big a deal for the Jedi like it is for some people, but it's important for some things, like citizenship to the Republic.
Which Anakin did not have at first.
It was the first thing they had to rectify, because if that got out, the Jedi could be in trouble for... stealing Hutt property. At least now, there's a guaranteed chance of that not happening.
But Obi-Wan does not appreciate it when the Chancellor demands time alone with Anakin. He just finds the whole thing very unsettling, and Yildiz – who he's gotten far, far more accustomed to over the years – seems... anxious, for some reason. Obi-Wan does not have a good feeling about this.
That's especially true when Anakin seems... quiet, thoughtful, and perhaps a bit upset when he returns. It's actually a couple days before he finally comes to talk to Obi-Wan about it. "I've been thinking," he ventures carefully.
"I know," Obi-Wan replies flatly, "You've been abnormally quiet and unenergetic."
"If the Jedi have so many limitations, wouldn't it be easier to be out there, not tied by them? When we could actually... change things?"
"I'm not quite sure what you mean." He ignores the sudden spark of anxiety inside him. Anakin isn't saying that he wants to leave – he's just... asking questions, like Master Yoda said and like he always does.
"There's so many people who need help," Anakin repeats. He's struggling to put his thoughts into words. It's something he often has a hard time with. "But we can't help them, because we're... held back by rules. Or the Senate, or whatever it is. Wouldn't we do better on our own?"
"People don't respect us because of who we are," Obi-Wan reminds, "They respect us because we're Jedi."
"But this takes so long. If we could take action sooner, couldn't we make more of a difference and help more people?"
It's a fair and innocent enough question, Obi-Wan has to admit grudgingly, but he still doesn't appreciate it when people question the Code, or the Council. It's so strongly against everything he grew up with, even if he does himself, sometimes. But that all came after. "You will see what I mean when you're older."
"You always say that," he pouts.
"It's true."
Anakin steps closer, lightly pressing his head against Obi-Wan's side. Obi-Wan pulls him into a one-armed hug. They don't address the topic again, until after they come back from a mission to Carnelion IV. He thinks Anakin learned the point there, at least.
**w**
It takes two more years – Anakin is fifteen now – for him to finally confess to Obi-Wan something he already noticed had been bothering Anakin for a while, though he didn't know what it could be. "Can I tell you something?" he asks shyly – he's always shy, even though it's been years – standing inside Obi-Wan's room.
"What is it?" he inquires.
"It's – um," he requests, "I was hoping to tell Yildiz about it, actually, but... as Jedi, what are we supposed to do if someone is making us uncomfortable? I mean, we're supposed to be selfless, but..."
"What did you get yourself into now?" he asks warily.
"He's so nice, most of the time, but then there's moments that... I don't know."
"Who are you talking about?"
"I... um, I'd rather not give names."
His first instinct says that it's the Chancellor, but truly? It could be everyone. Anakin doesn't have a good relationship with people, period, and even if the person he's talking about didn't mean to make him feel like that, Anakin has always been sensitive and could have been brooding over it for months without mentioning it, for all he knows. "Alright," Obi-Wan says finally, "But our lives revolve around the Code, first and foremost."
"I know," Anakin nods, "I just... don't understand sometimes."
"Would talking to them about it be possible?" Obi-Wan inquires.
"I don't know. Maybe. I can try."
"Do or do not. There is no try."
Anakin gives him a strained smile. "I guess I'll have to do, then. I just... don't know how to tell him."
"The same way you did me?" Obi-Wan suggests. "Unless you would prefer if I –"
"No, no," Anakin interrupts, "I'll do it."
Yildiz flickers in, frowning for one of the first times ever, after Anakin leaves.
"I worry for him," Obi-Wan says before his crystal can speak.
"I know," comes the reassurance, "But there are some things here that are not under your control, or anyone's."
Just something about that unsettles him. "Like this?" he guesses.
"Yes," it confirms softly, "Like this. There is nothing you can do when this was meant to happen."
"What is it?" he inquires. This is important, perhaps more so than he realized.
"Some things must remain unknown, but I sense something... Dark."
"The work of a Sith?" Obi-Wan guesses. He doesn't want to think about the Sith doing something to Anakin, but it's only realistic. Anakin is the Chosen One. Of course, the Sith would try to find a way to influence him. He's meant to destroy them, after all. Obi-Wan just doesn't know how that would be happening.
"I sense he has a... connection to the Dark Side, but this is the will of the Force."
Anxiety clenches tightly inside him. "Why?"
"It would seem to be a reasonable assumption that he must have a connection with the Dark Side and the Sith if he is to destroy them," Yildiz replies.
"But that's dangerous."
"You weren't wrong that danger surrounds him, but in the end, there is... more to him than that. He was created with an inborn light. The darkness that draws to him is not his own."
"What does that mean?" And how does it have anything to do with this for that matter? How does it change that there's a possibility that a Sith somehow has influence over Anakin?
"You must accept that you cannot control his destiny. Only himself and the Force can. So long as you try, you will only hold him back." He still doesn't understand what that means, but Yildiz vanishes before Obi-Wan has a chance to ask. And he's known his crystal long enough to know that calling it is pointless if it doesn't feel like explaining what it just said. He'll have to wait and try to figure this out on his own.
He doesn't know where to begin, though. If nothing else, he can try to keep an eye on Anakin... except Yildiz just finished saying that he can't overdo that either. Somehow, he'll have to find the... balance point, and maybe figure out who Anakin could be talking about meanwhile.
**w**
No number of times telling Anakin has made him understand that he doesn't have to push himself so far to be worth something, but at least Obi-Wan understands why he's like this.
Yildiz's advice has definitely proved invaluable this entire time, and sometimes, Obi-Wan still wonders where they'd be if he hadn't figured out somewhat how to interact with Anakin. Even now there's things he very much doesn't understand about him, but this is... something.
It's been eight years now, and Anakin's become a much better fighter than he once was. He's deadly, truly. He's a better duelist than Obi-Wan is, which is saying something. It's... impressive. He can't say he appreciates losing to his padawan many of the times they spar, but he's... proud of what Anakin has become, even if his padawan continues to struggle. He always has, and Obi-Wan is beginning to think it's a simple part of Anakin's life.
At least it's something they can work through together. It always is.
Anakin defeats him again,predictably, at the end of their sparring match, which he is none too appreciative of, even if it is impressive. His aggression sometimes... concerns him, though.
"Your weapon's gone. It's over," Anakin tells him cheerfully.
"Must you always be this driven for victory?"" Obi-Wan huffs, climbing to his feet.
And why does his crystal feel amused? It's very annoying.
"Isn't that the point of fighting?"
"Not always. A Jedi's duty is to defend life, not take it."
"But we have to be ready to fight when we're called upon."
"Yes, we must," Obi-Wan agrees wearily, "But there is also a danger of going too far. Our skills do not lie solely in our lightsaber combat."
Something in Anakin deflates a little. "I've never been good at anything else."
"That's not true," Obi-Wan argues, "You're good at almost everything you do."
"Not some things."
"We all have weak points, Anakin."
"I'm not supposed to, though."
"It's a part of being human."
"I know."
Obi-Wan squeezes his shoulder before leaving – they don't have time to loiter, even if he would very much like to just pull Anakin into his arms like they did when they were younger and forget everything except each other, but they're older now, and they... shouldn't have encouraged attachments that much. Not as if it's much different now.
**w**
Obi-Wan is mildly surprised when Anakin shows up in his room one morning. It's early, too early for Anakin to willingly be up. He's not a late sleeper, most of the time, unless he's completely exhausted, when it's understandable. "Is something the matter?" he inquires.
"I... had a dream," Anakin explains quietly. "I saw my mother. Something was happening to her. She was in pain. It seemed so... real."
"Do you believe it was a vision?" Obi-Wan queries, concern flaring within him.
"It may have been. I have no way of knowing if she's in danger."
"What do you want to do?" Obi-Wan asks, because this is really Anakin's choice to make.
"I... would like to check on her. To see if she's... alright," he replies, uncertainly, "But... we'd have to obtain permission from the Council, and I'm not sure they would allow it."
"You should go," Yildiz says, materializing next to Obi-Wan. "This is important. If there's a chance she's in danger, that she needs your help, you can't deny it."
Anakin nods, eyes shining with gratitude. "Thank you."
"It's the right thing to do," it replies firmly, "We can't deny someone help if we are perfectly capable of offering it to them."
And that's how they end up leaving Coruscant on a ship together, heading for Tatooine, after leaving a message behind that they're temporarily gone. Jedi can go on missions without the Council's direct approval – it's just not usually done, especially not without order of the Senate. But this is something they must do.
Obi-Wan's not really sure what he thinks about going to Anakin's home planet and seeing the place he grew up as a child. It's not a good place to be, and he's... almost wary of what he'll find out about his padawan's life that he didn't know before. There's still so much he doesn't understand about Anakin, and he's admittedly afraid to see it.
Anakin is good at hiding his emotions, but Obi-Wan can still read him and can see that he's very uncomfortable at being here again, especially when he talks to... his former owner. Obi-Wan has always known what it meant in principle but seeing it up close is entirely different. It makes everything more real.
"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asks him quietly when he returns.
"I'll be fine," he answers, briskly. Obi-Wan knows he's not trying to be short, he's just uncomfortable, which is perfectly understandable. "She's not here anymore. She was... sold elsewhere. Watto said he thinks she was freed."
"If she was freed, what would have happened to her?" Obi-Wan queries – it's a rhetorical question, really, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know much about Tatooine, to be fair.
"There are many things that could happen on Tatooine," Anakin replies, "The Hutts have free reign, and there... anything. Sandstorms, the Tuskens, wild animals. There are many things that can kill out here."
How someone amidst this nightmare came out so good, Obi-Wan will never understand.
In the end, they go to a moisture farmer's homestead. Anakin's stepfamily, apparently. His mother, at least, seems to have been taken care of out here. That's one good thing – they both thought she was still a slave.
And she was taken by a group of Tusken Raiders two days prior. They're fortunate they came as soon as they did – there's still a chance, albeit a small one but still a chance, that she's still alive.
But Obi-Wan has to warn Anakin of it, anyway.
"You must understand there is a chance we might find what we don't want to," Obi-Wan cautions, touching his arm.
"I know," Anakin nods, a pain in his eyes, "I understand, Master, but I have to try. She took care of me. She raised me. I should have been the one to free her."
"You did everything you could," Obi-Wan replies, "You aren't at fault for this, Anakin. You were needed elsewhere."
They leave it at that as they head off together. Being here is... strange, and Obi-Wan wants to ask so much, but he doesn't know what or where he could start. He just wishes he knew more of Anakin's past, more of what made this Light what it is.
He'll get answers enough, though, if he can meet Anakin's mother – something Obi-Wan is admittedly nervous about. He doesn't know what to expect. The most he does know is that she is – clearly – a very special woman, seeing how she was able to raise Anakin under these conditions.
They slip to the outskirts of Tusken village silently – it's something they've done many times before, something all Jedi are trained in. "I'll go inside," Anakin whispers, "And bring her back. Both of us might draw too much attention."
"Go," Obi-Wan tells him. The wait isn't long, but he doesn't like waiting, period. Anything could go wrong, though there's no way they could be overwhelmed by a village as small as this. They have no way of fighting Jedi, even if they can stand up to moisture farmers without difficulty.
Anakin returns, carrying his mother's body in his arms. His rage is swirling hot and fierce in the Force, but he doesn't speak as he moves towards the speeder. Obi-Wan opts not to ask him anything just yet, instead waiting until she's safely back at the homestead and can finally be treated for her injuries.
She's been beaten badly, senselessly, and Obi-Wan can't understand what the Tuskens would even have to gain from what they did. It's not as if she could have been a danger to them.
Anakin doesn't leave her bedside, even once they're done treating her. They need to go back to Coruscant soon, but he knows Anakin will want to at least talk to his mother first. In truth, Obi-Wan... almost wants to as well.
They wait together in silence, for her to awaken. Even Obi-Wan's crystal feels unusually subdued, and he's silently grateful Yildiz encouraged them to act on Anakin's visions.
Seeing how upset Anakin is already, he can't even imagine what it would be like if his mother had died. For all that they've been apart, it's obvious he hasn't really let her go.
Finally, she stirs. "Mom?" Anakin asks, hovering at her side instantly, taking her hand.
"Ani?" she rasps, almost disbelievingly.
"Yes, Mom, it's me," he replies, voice choked with emotion.
She reaches up, lightly touching his cheek. "Ani," she repeats, the word somehow so full of adoration.
Obi-Wan can't deny feeling uncomfortable and out of place, so he silently steps out of the room, allowing them to continue their reunion alone. He knew she was important to Anakin, but he never realized how... close they were. Qui-Gon was his master. Not a parent. He doesn't know what a parent is like.
But he knows what having a child is like, doesn't he? That look Shmi gave Anakin is everything Obi-Wan feels for him constantly, even if he can't show it. If he'd denied their relationship maybe the way he should have, if not for Yildiz's advice, he can't imagine where he and Anakin would be now.
It's a while later that Anakin finally comes out, saying that his mother would like to meet him.
"You're Anakin's... Jedi teacher?" Shmi asks. She's sitting up in bed now, though she still doesn't look well.
Obi-Wan nods. "I am. Anakin has... spoken of you frequently before."
"I wanted to thank you," she says, "For taking care of him."
"Of course," Obi-Wan replies, "He is... very gifted." He doesn't know how to handle this – he raised Anakin because Qui-Gon told him to, and because he wanted to. He's not sure how to handle being thanked for it.
Shmi smiles. "Yes. He is. And I can see how much he... looks up to you." Obi-Wan's seen it himself, too, and he knows what it is, that deep running passion in his eyes whenever he looks at him. (And he knows he can't ever regret not discouraging it.) "He sees you as a father."
"I... have seen it," Obi-Wan admits, "But that is not the Jedi way. I am simply his master."
Shmi eyes him, and he thinks she can see how much he feels the same, whether he should or not. "Either way, I am grateful he has far better than I could have given him."
They leave it at that, and Obi-Wan goes to find Anakin again. He doesn't know what to think of Shmi, but he's grateful Anakin had someone like her to take care of him the first nine years of his life.
They'll have to leave soon, but maybe they can stay here just a little bit longer. He can feel his crystal's approval – sometimes he doesn't think he'll ever get used to that vibe, especially when it seems to practically read his mind at times, because his thought process can't possibly be that predictable – as he goes in search of Anakin again.
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