Upset? Nope, not me!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, it all belongs to JK Rowling and her partners in profit. This will only appear once.
Pre-story author notes: Please be warned, the language in this fic will become rather "interesting" … "fowl" from time to time. Please note also, I write this when the stresses of daily life gets a bit much, so I take it out on the HP characters, seeing that I'd never take it out on my lovely wife.
Extended story summery : Now, most who knew him, thought Harry Potter to be rather meek and mild. This is, however, not the case at all. After being made to do all the chores at home and forbidden to do better than his cousin Dudley in primary school, Harry hid his true self behind a mask of meek and mild apathy. However, Harry was anything but. Rather sarcastic in thought, as well as studious by nature, you can understand how the masterwork of JK Rowling could have de-railed in this fashion if one teenager lost the "plot".
Chapter one: Castle Doctrine
"For a man's house is his castle, et domus sua cuique est tutissimum refugium [and each man's home is his safest refuge]."(Sir Edward Coke: The Institutes of the Laws of England, 1628)
o0o0o0o0o
Harry Potter, our favourite protagonist we all loved to abuse, was hunched over under the living room window of number 4 Privet drive, Little Whinging, Surry, trying to catch the news when he heard a rather loud "crack!"
After 4 years at Hogwarts, he had a pretty good idea what that sound was, namely someone apparating in or out of the area.
Having witnessed the return of Voldemort less than three weeks prior, Harry, being the paranoid little bastard that he was, decided to apply the axiom, shoot first, ask questions later.
Thinking to himself, "Harry, old boy, you're in deep shit if this is a deatheater. What can be done? Cornelius the fudge Packer would have a field day with your ass if you do any magic, so the muggle way it is."
After thinking for a short while, Harry remembered that there was a collection of blunt instruments, mostly used in sport, but suitable for violence in his room, which is where Dudley Dursley, also known as dinky Diddydims, stored all the crap he wasn't using anymore.
In the above mentioned collection of blunt instruments suitable for the application of violence, there was a bat used by the South African cricket player Lance Klusener,weighing approximately 6 kilogrammes. "Well, that should put a deatheater down right and proper," Harry thought to himself.
After sneaking back into the house, reaching his room without anything untoward, his uncle, stopping him, demanding that he do chores, he grabbed the above-mentioned cricket bat and his invisibility cloak, and moved downstairs.
o0o0o0o0o
"Boy! What do you think you're doing!" Shouted the walrus, also known as Vernon Dursley.
"I heard one of my kind arrive, and have no idea who it could be, Sir. Seeing that the bastard that killed my parents got a body back not so long ago, it might be one of his." Harry answered honestly.
"So, what are you gonna do about it?" Vernon asked, for once curious, not angry.
"I believe in shoot first, ask questions later. If it's one of his, I'm not taking a chance. If it is someone from the ministry, they do not have the right to be here. I would also hope that professor Dumbledore would tell me if it was one of his people. Our government did not believe me when I told the minister that he is back. Our minister will probably expel me if I do any of my "freakishness" so I decided a short sharp shock with a cricket bat should do the job just fine." Harry said with a smirk.
"I can get behind you on that." Vernon said, rather pleased. "What do you need to get rid of the freaks outside?"
"I have the heaviest bat I could find, but many of them can become invisible. I need a way to find the bastard. I think, a small spray bottle will do just fine, the ones you use to spray pesticide?"
"Take it from the shed." Vernon said.
"Thanks uncle," Harry said, smiling.
Before Harry went outside again, he put on his invisibility cloak. Thinking that whomever it might be, would be out front, he slipped through the back door, making his way towards the shed. After finding what he needed, the small spray bottle used to spray pesticide and filling it up with water, he slowly walked around the property line looking for disturbances in the grass and flowerbeds.
In the front corner of the property, nearest his room, he smelt the vilest blend of cheap tobacco and boos he has ever come across. "Holy fuck! No decent human being would ever smoke that," Harry thought in disgust.
After looking carefully at the grass, Harry saw two indentations that looked suspiciously like footprints. Checking the gentle breeze, he verified this by moving upwind, three feet or so, and gently releasing a fine mist of water from the spray bottle.
Seeing a few drops of water floating in mid-air, Harry placed the bottle in his pocket, took hold of the bat with both hands, swiftly dropped the invisibility cloak and swung with all his might at the highest floating drops of water. The satisfying crack of the bat making solid contact was followed by the loud thud of a body landing on the lawn. "Mr. Klusener would have been proud of that one," Harry thought.
Harry quickly put the bat down, and checked on the person he struck. "filthy, unshaven, and by the smell of things unwashed as well. Not someone from the ministry, I suspect, also not one of Dumbledore's people, I hope."
After checking for a pulse, finding none, Harry covered the body with the invisibility cloak again, refusing to use his own for obvious smelly reasons.
Quickly running back into the house, Harry sent Hedwig to professor Dumbledore informing of the suspicious character he killed with a cricket bat, by accident for sure, but still dead as a doornail.
o0o0o0o0o
A few hours later, Harry heard a very loud crack outside the house.
This time he was ready with a bat in hand when he looked through the door. Walking up the driveway was the professor himself, looking rather angry.
"Come in professor," Harry said.
"How could you, Harry," Dumbledore said, looking disappointed.
"How could I, what?" Harry asked.
"the man you killed today, was one of the guards I placed at your home, to make sure the death eaters don't get to you," Dumbledore said, getting angry again.
"well, thanks for letting me know, professor," Harry said with a sneer. "do you have guards at the homes of all your students? If not, why not? You claim that this home is safe because of the blood wards. Either you are a liar, or your guards are here to keep me in, not the deatheaters out. So, which is it? Are you a liar, or are you trying to stop me from leaving here? By the way, I was fully within my right to do to that man whatever I wanted to. As you know, chief warlock, in wizarding law, 'castle doctrine' applies, since according to you, this is my home."
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore has never been this angry in his life; "you are hereby expelled from Hogwarts, hand me your wand so it can be snapped."
"On what grounds? Seeing that this is not Hogwarts, you have no right."
"on the grounds that you are a murderer, and I consider you to be a danger to the other students. Hand over that wand, Harry."
"You know what, arsehole, take your sanctimonious bullshit and stuff it back where it came from, right up your rinkly old shitshoot! Also, get out of here. You don't know what the blood wards would do to you if I perceive you as a threat? Neither do I, but I'd love to find out."
"I will not leave before your wand has been snapped," Dumbledore bellowed, raising his wand.
Harry, knowing his position in relation to professor dumbledore was close enough, swung the cricket bat that he was still holding in his hand as hard as he could, aiming for the professors right arm. The satisfying crunch of snapping bone and the sight of wand flying did not affect Harry very much. The look of shock on the professor's face however, did. With reflexes developed from years of dodging Dudley and his group of sycophants and catching little golden balls, harry grabbed the flying wand out of the air. Suddenly Harry felt a huge surge of magic move up his arm, in to his chest before it hit some kind of obstacle. It could be described as mud clogging a water pipe, just letting threw enough. With an audible shattering sound, the surge renewed; moving threw out his body, before reaching his head.
Suddenly, with the sensation of pressure build up and a metaphysical pop, followed by a hellish scream, Harry felt free.
"Hand back that wand, Harry my boy, Dumbledore said.
"I don't think so old man, I read enough to know what happened here. You lost to me in something the wand considered a fight, and it changed allegiance. It will never work for you again."
"Dobby!" Harry called, with a loud pop the excitable house-elf arrived.
"What can Dobby be doing for the great master Harry Potter sir?" Dobby said in his high-pitched squeaking voice, bouncing excitedly.
"I need you to wait for a minute, then take a note I will be writing to the head of the department of magical law enforcement, Madam Amelia Bones," Harry said.
"Dobby be doing!"
Harry grabbed the pen that was lying by the telephone and wrote on the legal pad next to it.
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"Dear Madam Amelia bones,
I have been threatened by two Wizards at my home, found at #4 privet drive, little whinging, Surry in England.
As you can probably surmise by the address given above, this is a non-magical home, therefor not a place where any wizard should be but myself.
The first wizard, whom I still don't know the name of was hidden under an invisibility cloak. According to 'castle doctrine' I dealt with what I perceived to be an imminent threat by means of a muggle cricket bat. It is not my fault that the wizard died due to a broken neck. A muggle would have just had a concussion.
Next, I was threatened by chief warlock and supreme mugwump Albus Dumbledore, as well as "expelled" from Hogwarts do to killing someone that "he" the professor placed as a guard at "my" home, without permission from either myself or my muggle guardians.
I protected myself, after being threatened when "your" chief warlock raised a wand to me by striking the chief warlock in the wand arm with said same cricket bat.
Please help, being underage, I cannot protect myself using magic. If the chief warlock calls in help, I will find myself in an unpleasant position.
I hereby state, I believe my life is in imminent danger.
Harry James Potter"
o0o0o0o0o
After handing the letter over to Dobby, Harry move between professor dumbledore and the front door of the house.
"What is with you, Harry?" Dumbledore asked.
"I am tired of you playing games with my life! First year, your stupid traps that even a firsty can get through, need I say more! How about second year when the famed Hogwarts wards allowed through that diary? Where were you then! How about when your students faced the danger from the dementors in my third year. Where were you, almighty chief warlock, sitting in your office sucking on your lemon drops. Where were you, again, when your so-called 'best friend' Alistair Moody entered me, illegally, I might add into the Triwizard tournament. Oh yes! The mighty Albus Dumbledore, again sitting in his office sucking on a lemon drop. And now? Wanting to expel is student for following wizarding law to the letter. You are a sanctimonious cunt. On the one side, the ordinary, innocent wizard wanting to have a normal life. On the other side, you and your pet death eater snivellus the greasy git Snape, by the way, I know all about your death eater. You should have had Madam Pince throw out the old Daily profits. The only one in wizarding Britten that trusts that mother fucker, is you. Oh, by the way, Albus "halfblood" Dumbledore, stop sucking up to your "pureblood" students by letting them get away with whatever they please. If I hear the insult "mudblood" one more time, I will hurt the person who says it severely, whether it be one of the junior deatheaters, your pet or the fucking minister of magic himself."
Just as Harry finished his tirade, he heard a series of loud pops outside.
Authors notes: Seeing that many of the reviewers hoped for this to become an actual Fic, I shall oblige. By the way, fixed some grammatical and spelling errors, also added some text and hopefully, the formatting looks better. Seeing that I cannot see for myself, due to a lack of working eyeballs, please let me know in a review.