2014 Elizabeth
My alarm is blaring, interrupting the little sleep I have gotten in the past seven days. 6 AM and another day of pretending everything is fine. God, I miss him. Waking up alone this past week has been hard. It doesn't make sense we both have traveled for a living, I've gotten used to waking up alone. It probably has something to do with the fact that I know he isn't coming back this time. I've been wondering how one moment led to it all going wrong. How did one international negotiation ruin it all?
Three Months Before He Left – Elizabeth
How am I supposed to tell him this? He is going to be so devastated. I don't truly think he knew what he was getting into when he decided to take this job. He's never done a good job with morally grey areas. He doesn't process them.
"Babe! Oh, Thank God you're here, Listen, they aborted Dmitri's extraction at the last second. And I think the Russians got him. "He sounds frantic, but I turn to look at him, not bothering to hide the emotion that I know adorns my face.
"Jane won't tell me anything. But I am sure that I can still bring him in. He's got to be in the city, so I need you to call the Swiss to ground all Russian planes" He's thought about it and made a plan. I open my moth to stop him, slow him down, but I can't find my voice. I don't want to hurt him. I've never wanted to hurt him. I told him, when I took this job that wouldn't let it threaten what we have.
"Until we can get into it with the president. Come on… I know that there's a call you can make. He's an American asset and he got made somehow. Or we got cold feet. Anyway, we can't just give up on him" He goes on, and I look at him. How do I tell him?
"We gotta put up a fight." He stops and looks at me. His eyes pouring into mine. I can't form words, I just look at him delaying the hurt.
"You know something, what is it?" Words, Elizabeth, make words.
"It was part of the negotiation." It's all I can say. But it's enough, I watch him deflate.
"What? Dmitri was…" He turns away from me. He's hurt, so hurt.
"No, no, no. That… You… We would never negotiate away one of our assets. That's not… That's not possible. Please tell me that's not possible." He looks at me hard, and I can't make the words again. I've never been like this, I can always talk to him. He rubs his hands over his face.
"Oh my God." He's angry. It's the first stage of grief. It's the one he stays in the longest. I've watched him loose people, his grandparents, and his mom. And its always anger that prevails as his main emotion.
"Did Conrad approve this? Why couldn't you talk him out of it? He's an old spy for God's sake! Why… How could he do this?" And we're back to looking at each other.
"Please tell me you didn't agree to this Elizabeth." His hurt pokes through his anger. His disbelief that I could do this would be flattering on a different day at a different time.
"We had to think of the greater good." I make enough words to defend myself. But disgust crosses his face.
"You know what they'll do to him." He's not even trying to hide his disgust. I can only hope its at the situation and not with me.
"I'm sorry. No! There's gotta be another way." Before I know it he's grabbing his jacket.
"I'm gonna go talk to Conrad myself." I stand watching him walk away, not knowing how to fix it.
2014 Henry
8 AM and I'm just coming back from my morning run. Back to my hotel room anyway. It's quiet here, I needed the quiet. I've been thinking a lot about the freedom I've acquired. I should miss her. I used to miss her, back when things were good. I couldn't spend more than one night away from her without aching to be near her. But that feelings gone. I don't know where it went or even how it dissipated. But, I have to talk to her today. We need to start making plans. And I need to see my kids.
Two Months Before He Left – Henry
I almost died today. I should care about that. I've had trouble caring about anything lately. Between the sleepless nights and nightmares I'm hiding from her. It's not the only thing I'm hiding from her, I'm also hiding my disgust at her choices and my anger with her and the president. Why did Conrad ever ask her to do this job? Why did he drag me into it? I'm re-evaluating everything lately. What do these jobs we do mean? What even is the greater good? Maybe none of it matters. But my kids were almost blown up today to. And that's on Elizabeth. On her and her job and her choices. So I have to go back to work, so our kids can't be hurt. But I hear her coming up the stairs so I bury it. Because I love her, or at least I think I do. It's there, buried maybe but there.
"Wow, they sent the Secretary of State to Check on me." I give her a joke when she walks through the door. And my heart does flutter in the good way when I see the relief on her face.
"Well the President was busy, so." She falls into the banter quickly, sitting on the bed and giving me a kiss. She looks so happy, and that bothers me. What is wrong with me?
"Gosh, hit by a dirty bomb and I still find you hot." She's trying to put off the fight. We've been doing that a lot lately. It's my fault really, I just bury everything, and then I explode.
"That's probably because I'm radioactive." I muster a small smile at her.
She's asking me about Jason.
"Maybe because on some level, this house is a target." She's right, it is. And that's her fault. But I re-assure her anyway.
"Babe, this house is a fortress."
"So was the conference, look what happened." She gestures to me and then looks to the ground. The guilt that crosses her face brings me a little bit of happiness. She should feel guilty about it. She should feel guilty about a lot of things.
"I've decided to re-join DIA." I break the news, not at all softly.
"Oh, wow." She gets up from her place on the chair. "You know why don't we talk about this in the morning, when you're feeling better."
"Don't patronize me." I snap at her.
"You know a few hours ago, I didn't know if you were going to live or die. Can we just take a minute?" She's panicking. I cant tell if it's for me or for her.
"Hizb al-Shahid isn't taking a minute!"
"You really want to have this conversation now? Okay, fine. You know what? I don't think we can handle both of us being in the line of fire again. Look what it did to us the first time! We're still not over it." I'm not in the place to face this tonight, she's right about that.
"I gotta close my eyes." I end the conversation. And then the bed dips as she gets in beside me and plays the big spoon. And I think maybe we will be okay. Because I feel the subtle skipped heartbeat when I smell her. I miss feeling this way about her.
2014 Elizabeth
My phone is ringing. I'm in the conference room for my daily brief, but I can hear my personal cell in my office. I try to just let it ring, but I can't. I know it's him. I want to hear his voice so badly. We've never gone this long without talking, even when one of us was deployed we found a way. But this will be my life now, not talking to him for weeks at a time. I tell my staff to take 5 and rush into my office. It had stopped ringing, but one look at the call log told me I was correct. It was Henry. With shaky hands I press his name to call him back.
2014 Henry
I probably should've called later, I know she's at work. I knew I had less than a fifty percent chance that she's answer. Now, that I know there is an end in sight. Now that I know that I won't have to spend every last waking moment fighting with her, I am finding it within myself to be kind to her. My ringing phone startles me out of thought. It's her, here's goes nothing.
"Hey" I keep it casual.
2014 Elizabeth
"Hey" he answers, just as neutral as can be. I am struck with the realization that I don't know what to say. My words are stuck again. But I do know that I don't want to fight with him. I'm so fucking tired of fighting.
"Hey… Do you have a minute…? I… We need to talk about the kids… Y'know, when we're gonna tell them" I leave it there. I don't really know what else I would say. I above begging him to come home.
2014 Henry
"Hey… Do you have a minute…? I… We need to talk about the kids… Y'know, when we're gonna tell them" Oh, sloppy grammar Elizabeth. She's walking a tightrope.
"I've been thinking about the kids, too." Maybe the key to keeping this conversation civilized is by only talking about the kids. We can do that. We are both good parents. She is a good mother, I remember that now. That's also the first positive thought I've had about her in so long. It feels nice.
2014 Elizabeth
We managed to keep the conversation about the kids. We are planning on telling them tonight. He is going to come over after dinner around eight o'clock, and we will tell them together. I am surprised that we didn't devolve the conversation into a fight. That seems to be all that we do lately.
I try to keep my nose to the grind stone for the rest of my workday. I don't want to think about this anymore. I need to ask Blake to discreetly look into divorce lawyers for me, but maybe that can wait until tomorrow. I think it's best to take this whole thing one day at a time. One hard thing at a time.
My welcoming committee of three are all in the kitchen when I walk in.
"Hey, babies." I hug Allison as she is chopping vegetables for a stir-fry.
"Want any help with that?" I ask in vain. She laughs shaking her head.
"Only if you want to buy us pizza later." I nod my head and walk over to Stevie who is studying at the kitchen table. She looks stressed and confused, so I offer help, reminding her that US Treaty Law is literally in my job description. She points me away, so I join Jason in playing Titan, which I have gotten pretty good at since Iran.
We eat dinner like any normal day. We are laughing and I'm dispensing parental advice that will go untaken. Of all of the jobs I have had, I've decided that being their mother is my favorite.
2014 Henry
I've been sitting on the corner of the street for 10 minutes. I have never been this nervous to talk to my kids. I love being their dad. I know that this will hurt them, but I also know it's what needs done. My Dad has always said "some things just need doing, son" and I never really got that advice until now. Some things just need doing, so I walk down the street to the house I no longer share with my family and ask Matt to call and let Elizabeth know I'm here. He gives me a weird look, and I realize that he does not know, I wonder if she has told anyone yet.
2014 Elizabeth
I am cleaning up from dinner while the kids watch a movie when the phone rings. I answer it and Matt is telling me that Henry is outside. My whole body tenses, and I take a deep breath to relax, "Let him in"
I walk to the door and opening it to see my husband for the first time in 7 days. He looks good, he hasn't shaved and his hair is messy, but I've always loved that look on him. I step aside and gesture for him to enter. "Hi"
2014 Henry
"Hi" she says is so quietly, it's barely audible. She looks like a dream, her hair up in a claw clip, wearing her Harvard Just Kidding sweatshirt and blue house shoes.
"Hi. Where are they?" I ask cutting straight to the point and she looks to the floor. I don't want to keep looking at her, if I keep looking at her, the anger might explode, like it always seems too lately.
"In the den" she points towards the kitchen with her head. She stays back as she lets me go reunite with our kids for the first time in a week. I'm near tears as I hug all three of them.
Stevie must notice a shift in the energy because she is the first one to speak, "What's wrong, dad?" she looks behind her for her mother, she has seen Elizabeth and I reunite so many times over her life. She must sense that this is different. There has been no hug, no kiss, no "I missed you" and definitely no "I love you"
2014 Elizabeth
I watch him reunite with our children, hugging each one of them and telling them that he loves them and that he missed them. He's apologizing for not calling while he's been away. As I'm watching him with our kids, I realize that no matter what happens tonight, no matter how our kids may feel in the near future, I know that they will be oaky. I know that the kids will be okay, because Henry and I are their parents. And because we both love them unconditionally. No matter what happens from here, Henry and I will take care of them.
"What's wrong, dad?" Stevie voice pulls me out of thought. She knows, I can tell by the way she quickly turns around to look at me for reassurance. In an instant the entire mood of the room shifts uncomfortably as I watch my fully grown daughter look at me with the fear of a small child. The fear that says mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore. What are we going to do now?
"We have to have a family meeting" I tell them. I have a feeling that Henry can't. Breaking my heart is one thing, but breaking theirs. That's harder. But unfortunately, it has to be done.
2014 Henry
"We have to have a family meeting" Elizabeth is cutting to the chase. She doesn't want to drag this out for them and neither do I.
We sit all of the kids down and break the news as gently as possible, but the glass breaks anyway. There are so many tears and questions. So many questions. Elizabeth seems to be taking them with grace. I notice that she is protecting me, making this seem like a very mutual decision. Making it seem like I didn't cut her heart into tiny shards and leave there on the floor in Dr. Sherman's office. Because I'm not an idiot, I know I hurt her. I hurt her badly. And I wish I could care. I don't know when I turned into this psychopath, but it's starting to terrify me.
But now the kids know. Allison wants to help me look for a house, she want to make sure it's big enough for all of them to have rooms. I promised her she would always have a room at my house. Jason wants to know if he will now be the receiver of two Christmases. Which is just like him, to hide behind sarcastic humor. Elizabeth told him that we will play it by ear. Stevie didn't ask any questions, she just sat alternating between looking at me and her mother. Trying to gage which one of us was at fault. I guess she settled on me because her hug goodbye to me was short, but her hug to her mother before she retired upstairs was not.
2014 Elizabeth
Once the conversation with the kids was over, we agreed they would stay with me in Georgetown until he got a place. I promised him that he could see Allison and Jason whenever he wanted, and that he was always welcome here to see the kids. There was no good bye this time. He just walked out of the front door. To never come back. It's really over. I dissolve into tears, sobs coming with them. I pick up a pillow from the couch to cover them. The kids don't need to hear this. I need to be strong for them. Even if it feels like the world is over. Even if I want to never get up from this couch. The sun will come up tomorrow and I will have to take care of them.