2014 Elizabeth
Blake meets me at the elevator. He's holding a chocolate croissant and a latte. I give him a small smile. Here goes nothing, I know that I can't keep this secret. I need to face it head on. I ask him to come with me to my office. I walk in and ask him to sit across form me as I settle into my desk for the day.
"Henry left me." It's the first time I've said it out loud. I don't allow myself to feel them, not here. Blake looks shocked, he is sitting there prepped to take a dictated email or letter, and instead I just dropped a bomb on him. I can't blame him for being so shocked really. If you would have asked me even a year ago that this would happen I would've laughed. But he didn't stop me. He promised he wouldn't let me cross lines, but he crossed them himself. And now, here we are.
One Year Before He Left – Elizabeth
"Listen about last night," I need to tell him. I feel Bess coming back. She's cold and hard. She's calculating and smart. I've never much liked her. She terrifies me.
"Oh, I'm over it. I saw the video of Schaeffer reuniting with his family." He cuts me off. But I wasn't apologizing, was I supposed to be?
"Oh, good. I wasn't apologizing about that. It's this job. Is it turning me into a morally compromised version of myself? Because I'm worried that I'm going to become someone you can't be with anymore" it more than that, though I can't quite voice it. I'm afraid I'm going to become someone that I can't tolerate anymore. When I came home from Iraq, I hated myself. The things I was capable of doing, disgusted me.
"Whoa. Whoa. I talk a big game, but I'm no pillar of virtue." But he is. Henry analyzes every decision he makes. I've never been able to do that.
"You're a good man. I-I need you to be my touchstone. Uh, to tell me if I'm crossing lines. I'd quit this job in a heartbeat if it threatened what we have." And I would. Because I love him. Because he makes me strive to be the best I can be.
"Hey, that's not gonna happen. But if you're asking me to be the man beside the woman? I'm in." he wraps his arm around me.
"The man beside the woman… Yeah." I kiss him and snuggle into him. We stay like that for a long moment, and then he speaks again.
"Babe, I know that Iraq still bothers you. But, you are a good person. And I love all of you. I will remind you of that as many times as you need me to." I snuggle further into him.
"I let terrible things happen. You don't even know all of it." I counter, because he doesn't. He tips my head up with his hand, and I meet his eyes.
"I know who you are." He whispers to me. And then he leans down and captures my lips with his.
"I love you." I tell him when he pulls away.
"I love you too, Elibet."
2014 Elizabeth
"I-I'm so sorry ma'am" And he is. I can see the pity on his face. That makes me angry. How could Henry the person I love most in this world hurt me enough to make Blake show me that amount of pity.
"Me too." I say allowing myself to show a little emotion. "I'm going to need your help Blake, and as always your discretion." We go on to discuss finding a divorce lawyer. Thinking about the fact that I even need a divorce lawyer makes my skin feel like it's on fire. Knowing that my marriage will end this way hurts. I try to take refuge in math the way I always do. Fifty percent of marriages, mine happens to be one of them.
I soon find myself at the White House for the weekly NSC brief. Conrad can tell something is off. He keeps looking over at me, studying me. He's being subtle about it in a way that a spy should, but I was also a spy so picked up on it about two minutes into the meeting.
"Bess hang back" he says it with complete authority, however, I know that this is not going to be a POTUS/SecState talk, but a friend talk instead.
"Are you okay?" he asks once everyone has left the oval. He is sitting in on the couch opposite of the one I'm sitting on. He crosses his legs and rests his hands on his knees the way a father does when he's waiting on an answer.
I let a few beats pass, "No, sir. I'm not okay." I decide then to rip off the Band-Aid. I know that once Conrad knows, then Russel will know, and soon the whole world will know too. There will be press and articles. There will be speculations and accusations. There will be no regard for my privacy, or for the kids, or for Henry. They will take photos of me crying or laughing or just sitting somewhere and print them on websites and tabloids. My own personal hell will be spread across twitter and Instagram for people's entertainment. For my kids to see.
"Henry left." Its not as robotic this time as it was in my office. The phrase starts to repeat itself, over and over. Henry left, Henry left, Henry left...
"Oh my God, he left." I can't hold back the tears. I start to frantically wipe at my face. I will not cry about my broken heart in the Oval Office.
"Bess, it's alright." Conrad gets up and moves to sit next to me. I am able to get the tears to stop when Russell walks in.
"Oh, Sorry." He's holding his hands up as he awkwardly stands, looking everywhere except for at me. Conrad ignores him and hands me his pocket square.
"You have makeup." I feel my face get hot with embarrassment. And then anger. Why the hell would Henry do this to me? I wipe my face, and Conrad brakes the news to Russell for me.
"Henry and Bess have decided to go their separate ways." What diplomatic phrasing. Because we didn't decide. He decided. He is doing this to us, to me. He promised he would never hurt me. But here I am so wounded I can barely get out of bed in the morning.
"We gotta talk." Russell says softer than he usually would and I nod at him. So now, I'm sitting with Russell in his office about making a statement before the news gets out on its own.
"That would make it worse, you know. I'm just looking out for you." And I choose to believe him.
2014 Henry
I've been house hunting today. Elizabeth agreed that Allison could stay home from school to go with me. Ally seems to be the one taking this the hardest. I wish I knew how to help her. I want to say that I caused this, caused her worry. But so did Elizabeth. Allison has always been our most sensitive child. It was her intuition that made Elizabeth take the pregnancy test that told us about Jason. When she was eighteen months old she kept pointing at Elizabeth's belly and saying "Baby, Baby, Baby" the first few times we laughed it off, but she kept doing it. Come to find out two days later that baby McCord number three was indeed on the way.
We are looking at a house in DC proper, when Noodle comes running in from the back of the house, "it's got a built in library, daddy." She hasn't called me Daddy sense she was five. I make a metal note to make sure that she knows that I am not leaving her, I would never leave any of my children. But of course she, most likely thought that I'd never leave her mother either. But I had to. I had to get out. I just couldn't do it anymore.
We stop to pick up dinner for all of us. Elizabeth had texted Allison and said she was going to be late. I ate dinner with all of the kids at the house in Georgetown. Jason is telling me about his game. "Make sure you get an Xbox for your house dad, that way we can still play even when I'm here and your there." I promised him that I would.
Stevie has been notably quiet since I walked in the house. She keeps looking up at me, giving me a particular dirty look that Elizabeth made famous. I've always been known as the Stevie whisperer, it's in this moment looking at her that I now realize it's because I was also once the Elizabeth whisperer. As I send Allison and Jason to do homework, I get up to start clearing the table.
"I got it Dad, you don't live here anymore." She keeps her voice neutral. But it's clear, Stevie has decided that her mother was lying last night and that there are sides to be taken. I put my arms up in surrender. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.
"You should leave before Mom gets home." She shuffles around waiting for me to walk out of the door. Before I do, I turn around.
"I love you, Stephanie." It is a simple and true statement. I hope she can see that.
"You supposedly loved mom too." Her face is hard.
"Stevie…" I don't know what to say, but I'm not going to fight with her. So, I turn and walk out of the house.
Getting in my car I see a text from Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Just a warning. This will be going out tomorrow. Let Daisy know if you have notes. "Dr. McCord and I would like you all to know that, after exhausting all other options, we decided it was best to divorce. We are committed to raising our children jointly and remaining respectful of each other. We appreciate you letting us have our privacy as we begin the next chapter of our lives."
I read it over. Of course she would have me contact Daisy and not her. Of course she would want this out there as soon as possible. But it ticks me off anyway. Everything does. But I need to tell my family, So I Call Maureen.
"Well if it isn't my brother who never calls." She answers. I suddenly get excited to talk to her. She has never liked Elizabeth. I chose to call her instead of Shane or Erin, because I know she won't talk me out of leaving. In fact I know she'll do the opposite. I need this phone call. I need someone on my side. On the side of justice and truth. I need to be validated. I need the anger to be justified. She shares the anger, we got it from our Dad after-all. I just used to be better at hiding it, hell, I used to be petrified of it. But now, since Dad's been gone, since Dimitri's been gone, I'm drowning in it, and I like it.
"I know, I haven't been good about it. But, I have news."
"Oh, yeah." She sounds unamused like she usually does.
"Elizabeth and I split." She doesn't say anything. She just sits on the line.
"What happened?" She finally asks. I can't actually get into it, I know that. It's classified. So I don't really know what to say. She betrayed me. I'm pissed at her. I don't know how to forgive her. I don't want to forgive her.
"It's just not working anymore. It hasn't been for a while." It's the truth.
"Henry, what are you talking about? I mean I find her insufferable, but you love her." She reasons.
"That's the thing Mo, I don't know if I do." It's the first time I've said that out loud. I can't tell if it feels right or wrong. Because I can't feel it. My love for her used to be so sure. But all I feel towards her right now is anger, and hurt, and betrayal. What the fuck is wrong with me?