2015 Elizabeth

It's here. Today is the day, that I will sign papers in front of witnesses to dissolve my marriage. It's been three months since he left. I've found that I can sleep better if I cocoon myself with pillows and blankets, but it makes it harder to actually get out of bed. I need to pick out an outfit, one that makes me feel powerful. I muster up the strength I have and get out of bed. Today is going to be a long one.

In the shower I'm thinking about the practicalities that come along with divorce. If I'm being honest, it's been the only thing carrying me through this. I've just been so busy. Busy with running the entire State Department. Also, I've had the kids the majority of the last three months, and they've all required extra attention, Stevie especially. I've had to get bank records to lawyers, and update my will and power of attorney. I've had to argue about splitting assets and houses. I never pegged Henry to be the insufferable soon to be ex. But sitting across from him in the mediation sessions has been nothing if not exhausting. He had comment about everything. But I wasn't arguing with Henry, Well, not my Henry. He was an entirely different person. It was like arguing with his father. He had comments about my trust fund and about the farm house. I'm so worried about him. Maybe I shouldn't be. But I love him, his request for this piece of paper doesn't change that. I wish I could be angry, it would be easier if I were. But my heart is broken and I'm sad. I've been sad, since the day I knew he was going to leave.

One Month Before He Left – Elizabeth

"Hey, are we waiting on anyone?" She wants to know why I'm alone. And so do I. I really didn't think he would leave. And I don't know why he's not coming back.

"Uh, no. Henry had to go into work." She nods as he starts filling a syringe with the drug that is going to kill my favorite horse. Of all of the horses I've ever known, he's my absolute favorite. He's been a constant in my life for almost as long as Henry. My heart is broken. I am going to miss Buttercup so much.

And I'm going to miss Henry. When he leaves. Because I think he's going to. He said he couldn't even look at me last night. I don't know how we get passed that. He's so broken. And he's so mad at me, all of the time. He's covering it well and there are times when I think it will all be okay. Times when he looks at me and tells me he loves me and I can see that he does. I can see that it still there somewhere. But now I fear that it might not be enough.

But now, I sit next to Buttercup as he lays down, and I pet him.

"I love you so much, baby boy." I give him a kiss on the head. And I cry. I cry for him. I cry for Henry. I cry for myself.

It was a long cold night. Grieving for my horse. Waiting for Henry to come back. Laying in my bed that's much too big in my house that's much too quiet. Wishing I could go back in time. Wishing I told Conrad no. Wishing I fought harder for Dmitri. Wishing I wasn't watching my husband disappear before my very eyes.

2015 Elizabeth

I take my time doing my hair and makeup. I keep my makeup subtle and light. And I take my time waving my hair. And combing it into place with my fingers. I take a long look in the mirror, hoping I made the dark circles under my eyes disappear.

I spend thirty minutes flipping through my closet. Looking for something that he would like. Which is a course of action I don't understand. I should be above that really, the make him regret it bullshit. But I'm not. I want to look good walking into that room, really good.

I finally land on a black dress. Long sleeved, v neck, just a little above knee length. Simple and elegant. And on the right day, just the right side of sexy. I put it on and I look good. Really good.

2015 Henry

I startle awake again. I haven't been sleeping. I wake up every night from nightmares I can't remember. When I wake up I just feel cold and scared. I've recently found myself reaching for her. When I'm in those moments between sleep and waking. The longer I'm away from her, the more the anger dissipates. Which means the space from her is doing what I needed it to. But I keep waiting for the anger to be replaced with something. But there is nothing, just total numbness. I've been miserable for six months, when do I get to be happy again? I remember being happy. I remember when being with her was the only thing I needed to be happy.

Eighteen Months Before He Left – Henry

God she's beautiful. The moonlight coming in through the window, silvery on her bare skin. This is my favorite kind of night. Our sleepy pillow talk of her shitty day. Laying in the afterglow. Running my hands through her hair. Her fingers running over my chest. It's always so perfect. Even more so, when she tilts her head up and kisses me. It's breathtaking.

"Good God, woman I love you." She giggles. Twenty-Five years and it's still the best sound I've ever heard.

"How much?" she asks a sly smile playing on her lips.

"To the moon and all the way back." I emphasize my point by pointing at the full moon outside our bedroom window.

"Yeah, well I love you all the way to the sun and back." She winks and I laugh. We kiss again. We are not going to get any sleep tonight. I don't care. I love nights like this. How did I ever get so lucky?

2015 Elizabeth

He looks tired. It's the first thing I notice when I walk into the room. He's not hiding it very well. There are deep dark circles under his eyes. His glasses aren't hiding them, nor the redness. He keeps stifling yawns. I don't think he's eating either. His once tailored suit is starting to swim on him. Something is wrong. He's not okay. And that makes this worse. I've only seen the look on his face once before, when he got back from Iraq. Jason told me he's heard him have nightmares. I don't know how to help. Not that he wants my help. He doesn't want me anywhere around. Which is hurtful and hard. I want to tell him to come home, to let me help him. But I won't, because he won't. And because in few minutes, taking care of him won't be my job anymore.

The papers are placed in front of me. I spend a few seconds staring at them. I'm trying to force myself to look back up at him. To check one more time if this is what he really wants. But I don't. I can't face it. Seeing him be so resolute and unyielding in his decision. That will break me even more, if that's possible. With a shaking hand I pick up the pen. I swallow the tears that are threatening to make their way down my face. And I sign my name; Elizabeth Adams McCord.

2015 Henry

I'm not paying attention. Suddenly, the papers are placed in front of me with a pen. I pick up the pen. I can't resist looking up at her. Her broken heart unshed tears starkly contrasting with my numbness. I wish the pen felt as heavy in my hands as it seems to be in hers. I sign my name, wishing this ended differently.

She jumps out of the chair quickly when the papers are switched and our names are signed for the second time. And it happens. My hands go sweaty, and my legs go numb. I want to call out to her. But there's a lump in my throat and my chest is tight. I throw the pen down on the table as if it had burned me. What did do? Oh God, I want the numbness back. What did I do?

2015 Elizabeth

I get in the motorcade and tell them to take me home. I manage to get a text over to Nadine and Blake letting them know, that I will be taking the whole day after all. I just can't bring myself to play Madam Secretary today. I need to go scream and cry. I need to lay in bed and let the darkness take me. I can't believe that it's over. I'm not a wife anymore. Henry has been part of my identity for so long that this feels so foreign. I look at my hand, my rings catching the light. For twenty-six years, whenever I needed comfort I would fiddle with them. But they make me feel cold now. I rip them off of my finger, their meaning suddenly too much.

2015 Henry

Walking into my house I feel cold. It's empty and sad. I didn't realize that before. But now it's all I can see. I quickly find myself on my hands and knees when I see it catch the shift in sunlight. I grab the golden band that I threw off in a fit of rage a few weeks ago. And the floodgates open. I don't try to stop it, the sobs come in full force. The hardest I've cried since I was a kid. I was stupid. So, so stupid.

Twenty Six Years Before He Left – Henry

The judge should be basking in this. He is so grumpy. Not that it matters. I'm marrying my best friend. I knew that I was going to, at 8:22 PM, three weeks after I met her. Holding her hands in mine now, looking at her, so beautiful in her cheap whit sundress. Her hair big, like any self-respecting southern woman on their wedding day.

"I, Henry, take you, Elizabeth, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death" I mean every single word. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. Holding her, cherishing her. She's everything I've ever dreamed of. I barely hear the judge telling me to kiss her. But she leans in, a wide smile on her face. Our first kiss as husband and wife is everything it should be.

"Let's go home, Mrs. McCord." I tell her, as we have no other plans for today.

"Yes, let's Mr. McCord." We walk out of the courthouse arm in arm. I'm the happiest I've ever been.