2015 Henry

My last class for the day ended a half hour ago. I'm supposed to be on my way to therapy. This will be the fourth appointment I've skipped. It's been three months since the divorce has been finalized. I just can't bring myself to sit across from a shrink and tell them how terrible I feel. It's like I have this awful sense of impending doom about everything, all of the time. And I don't know how to talk about it. So instead, I'm sitting in my office aimlessly scrolling when I see an ad from a travel agency about "Mt. Kailash: Erase the sins of a lifetime!" it sounds appealing, I have done that pilgrimage before, when I got out of the Marines. I wonder if it really worked back then. I don't think it did, I still carry those sins. I'm a murderer, sure I followed "lawful orders" and I never had to see anyone that I was bombing. But, I looked Dimitri in the eye, I told him he was going to be fine, and I got him killed. There is no forgiveness for any of that.

I also promised Elizabeth, that I would never hurt her. I promised her that I would be the person to help her build trust, and build love. She, like most people who lose their parents as children, had trouble letting herself be loved. But I put in the work, and I gained her trust, and I loved her. I loved her hard. And then I destroyed her. I took her heart that she willingly and lovingly put in my hands, and I tore it up. But the thing is, I don't deserve her, she's too good. She has always been too good for me. I don't know how I lost sight of that. How did the love I have for her get buried so far underground, that I couldn't reach it? She's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I ruined it. I became so angry, so much like my father. And I ruined my own life.

I haven't been pulling my fair share with the kids either. Stevie still won't talk to me. I try to text her every day, so she knows that I love her and that I'm sorry. I broke her heart too. She's so much like her mother, in the best ways. And I'm no longer the man she looks up to. She no longer respects my opinions, or me, at all. Allison is always talking about coming to stay with me, but she never actually follows through, she usually blames it on Elizabeth, but I know better. Elizabeth would never keep them from me. No matter what happens between us, she would never use our kids as pawns. Jason texts me the most out of all of them. He usually asks about the cultures and laws of other countries, his questions usually coincide with Elizabeth's trips. I think he worries about her. I get that, I worry about her too. We all have unresolved feelings about her little jaunt to Iran, which could've ended so, so terribly. I just don't feel like I deserve to be their dad anymore. I don't feel I deserve anything good. Maybe I should reschedule that appointment… again. Maybe I can't do this by myself. Maybe I need the help.

Twenty One Years Before He Left – Henry

"You're doing so great babe." She squeezing my hand so hard. And she's getting tired, I can tell. This is one of those things that you know won't be easy. But watching her labor has been harder than I expected. Because I can't really do anything to help her. I can hold her hand and I can give her encouraging words. But I can't take the pain away, and I can't push the baby out for her.

"Alright, we're going to start again. On the next contraction I want you to push." She rolls her head towards me her face adorned with tired pain.

"I cant do it." She whispers it like she's ashamed to say it.

"Yes, you can. You can do this." I bend down and give her a kiss to her forehead. I feel the contraction when her hand almost breaks mine. And she pushes, letting out a small cry. The doctor is praising her, and I know, our baby is almost here. Two more and a small cry fills the room. I'm amazed, looking at the small bundle is placed on her chest. I didn't know love could feel like this. My little girl laying on the love of my life's chest.

"Oh, wow. Wow, Henry." Elizabeth looks up at me, our looks of utter amazement mingling together. I can't resist I bend down and give a kiss. I look at my brand new daughter and barley register the doctor asking me if I want to cut the cord. I do.

…

I'm holding her. Stephanie Helen McCord. Helen after my grandmother. She's perfect. She's tiny at six pounds even and eighteen inches long. I look over to my wife, who is taking a well-deserved nap. I can't believe there was a time in my life when I didn't want this. In high school I spent a serious amount of time considering the priesthood. And it never quite left my mind. Not until I saw a gorgeous blonde, reading a foreign policy textbook with unfinished calculus homework set to the side. And when I heard her laugh, any thought of future with the Jesuits was forgotten. I was called to her. I was called to this.

"I love you so much baby girl. I'm going to do my best to be a good daddy to you. I'm going to take care of you and your mommy." I promise her. This is going to be the best journey and I've never been more ready to go on one.

2015 Elizabeth

"I just don't know how to handle all of it by myself." I'm sitting across from Dr. Sherman complaining about my kids. They were all handling everything pretty well until very recently. Stevie misses Henry, she won't admit to it. But even though she's pissed at him, she's always been a daddy's girl. Allison is mad at me most of the time. She thinks it's my fault they stay in Georgetown with me more than they see their dad, I am always reminding her that she is old enough to just call her dad and go stay with him for as long as she wants. I would never stop her from that. Henry loves our kids just as much as I do. I don't know what's wrong with him lately, but I would never keep our kids from him. Jason is trying to play "man of the house", he has become clingy and protective. He likes to know where I am and what trips I'm planning and to make sure that I stay safe. I play a lot of Titan with him. It's actually been kind of nice, connecting with my son. He has a history of being standoffish. And Henry was right he actually does talk about his life under the guise of playing video games. But I'm so tired. I am finding the need over and over again lately to remind myself that I love being a mom. But I never planned on parenting alone. Parenting teenagers alone. It's so hard. Their feelings are big and complicated and they don't quite know how to handle it yet. There all going through their first major heartbreak. I was fifteen when I went through mine, and I know how hard the first one is. It's so hard when your world shatters for the first time, when you're not prepared for it to happen, and you don't know how to take care of yourself yet.

"Maybe you don't have to handle it all alone." She suggests. What does she mean, of course I have to do it alone. Henry didn't leave me with a choice in that matter. My confusion must show because she clarifies "Call Henry, tell him you need to look into a formal custody agreement." A formal agreement? No, I can't do that. What if he says I work too much? What if he's just as mean about that as he was during the financial mediation? What if he's still hurt? And Jason is still little, really, he's only thirteen. I don't want the five years I have left with him to be shortened to every other weekend.

"You're spiraling." I look up at her, and nod. I'm used to be better at noticing when I was doing it. It was one of the first things I learned how to control when I first started coming here. But lately I can't control it. It's like I'm floating through life, without direction. I don't know who I am anymore. Dr. Sherman calls it an adjustment disorder. She says it should go away with therapy and time. But I'm not sure. I just miss him, so badly. We had built a life together, he was my fall back plan always. He was the only constant in my life for twenty six years. I just feel like I'll never be okay again. Even though I know that's not true. I will be fine eventually.

"I can't ask for a formal agreement, I don't think I could handle a custody battle." But can I call him for help? They are his kids too. He loves them just as much as I do. We spend the rest of the appointment going over techniques to prevent the spiraling. We've gone over them before, and one day maybe I'll remember how to use them again.

2015 Henry

My phone rings during Jeopardy. It's Elizabeth. I hesitate before answering. "Hey…" I feel awkward, we haven't talked to each other in months. It's my fault really, it's not like I'm calling her, and why the hell would she call me?

"Hey, I need to talk to you about the kids." It's her diplomatic voice. The one she uses at work, but never with me. At least she never used to use it with me. She's hesitating and my heart drops. Does she want to take them away from me? I deserve it, really. It's not like I'm winning any father of the year awards.

"Are they okay?" I need to make sure that none of them are hurt. But they are hurt, because I walked out of their lives. I didn't mean to, it just happened that way.

"They're fine… well, they are physically fine, anyway." I let out a sigh. Physically fine is good. I know that the clarification means that they're not fine emotionally. I caused it. I caused my kids to feel pain. I feel the darkness start to come back. It's wading in little by little. I feel my breathing quicken and I try to stall it. I stand up to start pacing my living room. I have it set up in order for me to be able to do this, I have a carefully crafted straight line that spans the room. I've spent many nights pacing it over and over. It's the only outlet I have for the anger.

"I was just thinking that, um maybe, we can start going more fifty-fifty with the kids. I think they need you, they need both of us." She's struggling. I can read between the lines. She doesn't want me to know that though. She's hurting and my kids are hurting. I stop and my fist goes through the wall.

"Henry?" The way she says my name startles me out of it. I can see her worried face so clearly in my mind. The way her brow furrows, and her lips pouting.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that, you were cutting out." I lie. I can't let her know what actually happened. It would not be fair for me to ask her to be worried about me now. She asks me to take the kids more. She wants me to have them tomorrow. She make a comment about how she can't make Stevie do anything, but she'd like Allison and Jason to come to my house from school. I agree, I've had nine months to wallow by myself in a dark empty house. I look at the hole I created. My dad used to hit the wall, when I was a kid. He never hit my mom, or us. But he hit the wall, that's all he had to do for us to be terrified of him. I hate who I've become. I will go to the hardware store, to fix the wall. I will keep that next therapy appointment. I need to do it. For my kids and for me.