2016 Elizabeth
It's just after dawn when Blake and I are walking into the office. We have been working pretty much around the clock lately to secure a South China Sea Pollution Reducing trade deal with all three superpowers. Trying to balance making China, Russia, and the US Senate happy all at the same time. It is exhausting and delicate work. I charge my way into my office hoping to be settled in for my SVTC call with Minister Avdonin.
As soon as I open the door, my spy training kicks in and I notice that something is off. My eyes start scanning the room trying to account for what is different from the way I left it. I land on the table behind my desk. There is an envelope there. A plain, unmarked manila envelope. I walk over and pick it up. I think for a moment that I shouldn't open it, what if it's a biological weapon, but my curiosity wins out. I slowly and carefully open it and pull out its contents. On top is, a simple typed note "I might not be able to get to you, but I can get to them anytime." Behind the note are pictures of the kids. Pictures of the kids at school and at the mall and at the park.
"BLAKE!" I yell for him as I drop the envelope and its contents onto my desk. My hands start to shake and I fall into my chair. I reach for my phone to text the kids. I'm in the middle of a sentence when Blake walks into the office.
"Yes ma'am?" He asks, I look up to see he has a look of concern on his face.
"I need you to call the director of the FBI, tell him I need a meeting, this morning. Tell him it's urgent." He nods and turns to leave. I think about it for a moment, and continue "once you do that call Henry too and have him meet me at the Hoover Building" He looks confused now, but he acknowledges the order and dutifully leaves the office to execute it.
I pick up the envelope and replace its contents carefully. I place the envelope in my purse when my phone rings. It's Stevie. I realize now, that texting my group chat with the kids, on a random Thursday morning, "Are you all okay?", was probably weird on their end. I answer the phone with a shaky voice.
"Are you okay, Mom?" She asks. She seem suspicious, and I decide that at 22 she is old enough for me to be honest.
"No, little one, I'm not." I tell her and then using my tried and true authoritative voice, I tell her "Listen, I need you stay at home today. Do not let your siblings leave either. You don't let anyone in the house even if Diplomatic Security says it's okay. Dad or I will come to talk you later."
"Okay. Love you, mom." I can tell she wants to ask questions, but she doesn't.
"I love you too, to the moon baby girl." I tell her.
2016 Henry
My phone is ringing, brining me out of sleep. I look at the clock and see that it's only 6 AM. I haven't gotten up this early since I started taking Zoloft to help with the symptoms of the PTSD I was diagnosed with three months ago. Therapy has been helping quite a bit, I have to admit. It turns out that I have been burying trauma my whole life. I've never much thought about the fear that existed in my childhood. My mom loved us as much as she could. But my dad was violent and mean. I used to pretend he wasn't, but he was. I was terrified of him when I was a kid. I couldn't wait to leave, so I worked my ass off to get into college. And when I lost Tommy in the ice hockey accident I blamed myself for his death. It was my idea to play and I thought the ice was thick enough. I've also been processing my actions during Desert Storm. We haven't started talking about Dimitri yet, though. I'm just not ready to face the thing that finally broke me, the thing that made me destroy my life and the woman I love.
I look at the caller ID and see that it's Elizabeth's office. That immediately pulls the sleep from by brain. Why is she calling so early? Something is wrong.
"Hello" I answer, trying not to sound alarmed.
"Hi, Dr. McCord. It's Blake Moran." I stifle a laugh when he uses his full name, as if I don't know who he is. He goes on, "The Secretary asked me to give you a call. She has requested your presence at the FBI Headquarters for a meeting with Director Doherty today at 7:30 AM." So something is wrong. I wouldn't be needed at the FBI is everything was fine.
"Okay, let her know I will be there." I look back at the clock one more time, feeling relief that I have time to get in a run. Running has always been my main coping mechanism. I try to get in a run every time before I see Elizabeth. It helps to work off the anxiety, which is ever present around her now. I've learned to be careful with my words, not wanting to hurt her any more than I already have. I know that I can't go back, and I know that what I've done is beyond forgiveness, but I am taking care to not hurt her anymore.
2016 Elizabeth
The motorcade pulls into the garage for officials at the FBI headquarters. I'm then buzzed in to a private hallway with private elevators. I do have to say that if there is one thing I will have trouble getting used to after my job is over, it will be having to stand in line. I find myself looking around for Henry, knowing he doesn't have access to this part of the Hoover Building and will have to go through the civilian entrance and be escorted up to the director's office by agents. But still I feel my heart pulling for him. I always felt safe in his arms, the outside world was not a threat to me there.
When we make it to the director's office, I'm told that Henry is on his way up. I ask for coffee in order to stall. I don't want to start this without him it would be one thing if this was just about me, but it's not. This is about a threat to the children that we share.
When he walks into the room, he looks scared. He is covering it well, the way a trained fighter pilot has to, but it's there under the surface. But he does look better, he's putting back on some muscle and his suit is well tailored again. No dark circles adorn his face. I move farther to one end of the couch gesturing for him to sit on the opposite end, and he does. It feels like he's a million miles away. I have to use every muscle in my body to stay still. I'm looking at his hand wanting nothing more than to intertwine my fingers with his when Keith Doherty speaks.
2016 Henry
"What brings you both here today, Madam Secretary" Doherty asks, friendly as can be. I look at Elizabeth for the answer, as I would like to know as well. She pulls her bag on to her lap and with slightly shaking hands reaches in and pulls out an envelope. She looks at me, with an unreadable expression and hands it over to Doherty.
"This was in my office this morning." I try to make myself taller on the couch to peek at the contents of the envelope, but I don't have to. Doherty pulls them out and places the photos and a note on to the table between us. I feel my heartrate increase and take a few steadying breaths as I look at pictures of the kids obviously taken from afar. I look over to Elizabeth and notice that she is focused on the note, not the pictures. So I read it too. I resist the urge to close the space between us on the couch. She looks so worried just staring at the note. I start to come up with a suspect list in my head and realize that I won't have a complete one. I haven't been paying attention to her work lately, it's been too hard. We go over the plan to investigate and both Elizabeth and I contribute names of possible enemies to help the FBI form their suspect list. Elizabeth wants the kids to stay with me and for DS to put guys on my house and give the kids their own details. Before agreeing, I read the note once more, "I might not be able to get to you" He's talking about Elizabeth, he is focused on Elizabeth. I have to protect her.
2016 Elizabeth
I see Henry thinking. Henry is unwillingly a brilliant investigator. I see the worry, as he racks his brain to form a working theory and get this guy off the street and away from our kids. He suddenly looks up at me with open terror on his face.
"This is about you" he says, and I brace myself for the fight and the insults, but they don't come. When I force my eyes to meet his, I see love and worry. I'm confused as to where it came from, the last I knew he hated me. He continues speaking, this time to the Director.
"He is focused on Elizabeth. He's just using our kids to get to her" I read the note over again a few times. He's right, if I look past my maternal fear, it's very clear. This guy wants me. I suddenly revise my own suspect list. I go through what I know about stalkers. When targeting a woman, they are usually known to the victim. I can only think of one person that would do this.
"Ray Merchant" Henry and I say the name at the same time. Managing to sync ourselves for the first time in so long.
2016 Henry
"Ray Merchant" we say it at the same time. I look over to Elizabeth and she is no longer managing to hide her fear well. I want to hold her, and promise her that I won't let him hurt her, the way I was able to once before. The last time she saw Ray Merchant she was in in her office at UVA and he had a knife threatening to take both of their lives. She managed to tap into her CIA training and keep him talking while waiting on campus security to get there. I re-assure her in the only way I can now.
"You have six DS agents on you at all times. He can't get to you. I will make sure he can't get to the kids either." I hope that by telling her that I will protect the kids she will feel safer. Director Doherty promises to look into Ray Merchant, and we leave the office to go our separate ways once again.
2016 Elizabeth
I can't sleep. I've tried my usual tricks, cocooning myself with blankets, snuggling myself into pillows, and I even broke down and tried wine. I stopped after one glass. I didn't want to be drunk if I actually have to fight someone tonight. But the fact of the matter is I'm scared. And I will be until they catch this guy. I'm alone and my house is too big and too quiet. Every noise on the street makes me jump. I'm laying here in bed alone, thinking about the last time I saw Ray Merchant. I think about how hard it was to stay calm when he was threatening to kill me before he killed himself. I pick up my phone to call Henry, but I decide to let him sleep. Once of us should get to.
Six Years Before He Left – Henry
I find her in the shower. The waters running cold. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and she's staring at nothing.
"Hey, honey. Let's get you out now." I tell her gently reaching my hand in to turn off the water. She looks at me.
"I was so scared." She admits.
"I know." I grab her a towel and wrap it around her. I help her stand up and pull her into my arms. "Everything's going to be okay." She holds me tight and starts to cry.
"I thought I was going to die… He kept waving the knife… and telling me that he loved me… He called me beautiful… And I thought that he might try to…" She's not able to finish that sentence, with the scary what if hanging over her head.
"But campus security got there. And you're safe." I lead her into our bedroom and I get her dressed. I get into bed next to her and pull her close.
"You're safe Elizabeth. He's going to get the help he needs." She sniffles and snuggles farther into me.
"I love you so much baby." I kiss her head.
"I love you too Henry." I hold her. She eventually drifts off to sleep. I don't, I just hold her and clam her nightmares and thank God that he didn't take her from me today.
2016 Henry
I can't sleep, but my nightmares are different tonight. They're not abstract dreams about Tommy, or Desert Storm, or Ivan's suicide, or Dimitri's murder, or the day I left. They're vivid dreams of Elizabeth, being hurt. He's hurting her and I can't get to her, the room they're in keeps getting farther away. She's screaming for me to help her, louder and louder, but when I finally get there I'm too late. I'm too late, and it's my fault. It's my fault because she's alone, and I should be there. I can't stand to lay in bed and have images of a dead Elizabeth replaying in mind over and over. I get up and go to my living room to turn on Gunsmoke. I grab my phone to call Elizabeth, but I don't want to wake her, she has a big job and needs the sleep.
2016 Elizabeth
It's 3:42 AM and I'm still at the office. I've been waiting on a call from Beijing for 3 hours. Minister Chen is playing hardball on the SCS deal. I guess making me wait up for him to call must be part of that tonight. It's been 4 days and they still haven't caught Merchant. It's not that the FBI isn't working on it. They used security cam footage of Merchant paying a 7th floor staffer to leave the envelope in my office. They used that to get a warrant to search his house and then matched his printer to the note and photos. They are looking for him all over the DC area, the BAU says based on his history that he won't go far from where I'm at. It's just a matter of time, I know that, but as the days march on the feelings of dread increase.
It's finally dawning on me now, that I'm truly alone. Henry wasn't just my husband. He was my best friend. I have no one else who can fill that role in my life. That's what they don't tell you about going onto politics, most of your friends disappear. I'm starting drift off to sleep for the first time in 48 hours when my phone rings.
I pull my tired body off the couch and try to straighten my aching back. I get to the phone on its last ring.
"Good Evening, Mr. Foreign Minister." I say into the receiver. Trying to keep the sleep out of my voice.
"Um, no ma'am, this is Agent Lewis, with the FBI's Major Offender Task force." I brace myself for more bad news, but it doesn't come. "I wanted to let you know, that we have Ray Merchant in custody."
I let out a sigh and the weight that's been relentlessly pressing on my chest since I found the envelope finally lets up. I thank her and put the receiver back on its base. I grab my phone to text Henry. "They got him!" I hit send.
Henry
I'm up watching Gunsmoke again for the fourth night in a row. I can't sleep while that man is out there waiting to get to my wife. No, not my wife, I remind myself. I ruined that. All I can think about is how alone she must feel. How scared she must be. I briefly think about calling Blake to see how she's doing, but it's not my place anymore. And he wouldn't tell me anything anyway. Blake is very loyal to her, I'm glad she has him. I know he's making sure she eats and gets a little sleep. But I should be doing those things. Before I can put down my phone, a notification comes through.
"They got him" it's a simple text that says so much. I start typing "That's great! I love you" It takes everything I have to delete the "I love you" before hitting send. I stare back at the phone for a while waiting for the three dots to appear to signal that she has more to say. She doesn't.