2017 Elizabeth
I can't sleep again tonight. There's too much going on in my head. I've been keeping a close eye on Andrada's impeachment. Not to mention the new nightmares he gifted me with. I have a weapons smuggling ring to take down. Which is not at all causing me to have an existential crisis. And God, Allison is supposed to hear back from Rafferty on Tuesday. And… Well, he's been gone for a year and half. So, I'm awake, searching through Airbnb, dreaming of a vacation. I need a break. I can feel the world starting to implode around me. And then, I come across a photo of cabin… it looks so familiar. I click on the link and I find myself tearing up. It's our cabin. That cabin holds so many memories of happier times in its four walls.
Henry and I first went their right after we were married. We spent three days wrapped up in bed. Holding on to each other for dear life before his deployment. It became our special place. We conceived Stevie, and maybe Allison there too. He was so beautiful, then. He was always so attentive and gentle never straying from that unless I asked him to.
Suddenly, my skin feels cold. Henry was always so tactile. His hand on the small of my back as we walk through doors, rubbing knots out of my shoulders. His hand on my cheek while he kissed my pain away. He can't do that anymore. No, not can't… He doesn't do that anymore. He doesn't want to do that anymore. I wonder what he would think if he came across the photo of our cabin. Would he even remember what we shared with one another in that sacred place? Would he even find it sacred? Or would he look at it in disgust, wondering if he ever loved me at all.
Twenty-Six Years Before He Left – Elizabeth
"Henry, I'm scared." I pop our bubble. The bubble of newlywed bliss we've been in for the last forty eight hours. But reality is setting in. He's deploying. He may or may not come back to me. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't?
"I know." There's a solemn look on his face. I can't tell what it means. If he's scared too. If he's sorry he has to go. The silence stretches for miles between us. But then, he looks at me. He cups my face with his hand and a smile works its way onto his face. In this moment he's absolutely beautiful. There are a lot of people who would claim that men can't be beautiful, once upon a time I was one of them. But then, I met him. Henry is beautiful. His mind and spirit and body, are all so beautiful.
"Elizabeth, I believe that God put us together. And I have to think, that he wouldn't have done that if he was going to tear us apart so soon." His sincere faith forms a lump in my throat. I can't speak, so I don't. I just lean in and kiss him. I may not have faith, but I know he will keep it for both of us. And I know he will fight hard to come home to me. So, I will bear the cross I chose, of being a blue star wife. Because this man is the best thing that ever happened to me.
2017 Henry
Keep going I tell myself, just one more mile, you can do it. I'm doing a trail run in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It started as a hike, but devolved into running away from myself pretty fast. I get to the top of the summit and look out. My vision gets blocked with tears, something I should have expected. Elizabeth and I used to go hiking almost every weekend together before the kids were born. After that we settled for walks around our neighborhood.
Going on walks together was always how we opened up to each other, it was like the words could flow easier with every step. On our first ever walk together, which happened on the day we met, she told me about her parents, I remember her stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and saying, "I don't tell very many people about that". On our second walk I told her about my Dad, and how complicated our relationship was. We got engaged on a walk, too. I wonder if she walks by herself now, or worse if she's walking with someone else.
Twenty-Seven Years Before He Left – Henry
I raise a shaking hand to knock on my own apartment door. I called her earlier and apologized. She said she wasn't mad, just confused. I asked to come home. She said of course. It's not that I meant to leave. I just freaked out. I picked up the ring from the jeweler's and it didn't seem heavy enough. I know now that's actually a good thing. Marrying her shouldn't be scary. But I needed time to evaluate that reaction.
"Where's your key?" She opens the door her eyebrow raised. It's in my pocket, with the ring. But I can't say that. So I jump over the question.
"Wanna go on a walk?" She smiles and nods. I extend my hand and she takes it in hers. We walk in a comfortable silence until we get there. I hear the plane and I point. She looks on as it makes the "M".
"Ooh! A skywriter!" We look on in my horror. As "Mar Me Elibet" is spelled out. I should paid more.
"Henry?" Her shocked whisper pulls me out of my current thoughts, and I look at her. I didn't need the skywriter. I take her hands in mine, and she smiles so brightly.
"Elizabeth. When I first met you, I knew that you would change my life. You are so passionate, and smart. You encourage me to be the very best I can be. You are my very best friend. I never knew love could feel like this. And I want to spend the rest of my life going on walks with you." I release her hands, grab the ring box, and take a knee.
"So, with that being said. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?" Her eyes fill with tears, and her smile gets even bigger than I ever thought possible. She bends down and kisses me, hard.
"Of course. God, Henry. Yes!" She finally holds out her hand, and allows me to slip the ring on her finger. She pulls me up off of the ground and throws her arms around me.
"I love you so much! I can't wait to be your wife."
"And I can't wait to be your husband."
2017 Henry
Elizabeth is calling, and I let it ring. I can't answer. I can't answer the phone while I'm on top of this mountain, looking out seeing forever. I miss my partner, my friend, my accomplice. If I answer the phone right now I know I'll beg for her forgiveness. I'll beg to come home. I'll tell her I miss her and that I love her, and that I'm sorry. So I can't answer the phone. When it finally goes to voicemail I find myself crying. Crying for both us and letting my whole body feel the pain I caused.
2017 Elizabeth
I have to break a promise to Allison. I promised to be there in person when she got the email blast from Rafferty. I can't do that, I have to go meet an arms dealer. I have to because Anise doesn't deserve to die. It's always Allison that gets the shitty end of the stick when it comes to my job. I almost die in a violent coup on her Birthday, and now this? I'm on the plane, and he still hasn't called me back. I feel like I should call again. This feels wrong. Maybe he's moving on. The thought creeps up, not for the first time. It doesn't make me feel nauseous anymore, but I still feel that deep pang of jealousy. I'm kind of shaken that I don't quite feel like it would be a bad thing. The thought of him being happy is a good one. No matter how badly I'm hurting, I want him to be happy. I want him to find whatever it was he was looking for when he left. That's the thing about loving someone, you put them and their happiness first. I wish I knew what it would take for me to stop hurting and be happy again. I decide to go back on Airbnb and book that cabin for a weekend. Maybe I can go there and learn to start letting go.
2017 Henry
Elizabeth is meeting with an arms dealer. Five weeks out from her being sexually assaulted by a world leader and she's meeting with an arms dealer. I'm sitting here with the kids, while we wait for the email blast from Raffety and all I can think about is Elizabeth's security. I want her to be safe. I look at a photo of Allison I have up on the fridge. It was taken at our cabin. She was so tiny. I can't believe how big they've all gotten. It feels like just yesterday, that we were all at our cabin with Allison and Stevie running around and a very little Jason was being held by my beautiful wife.
"She still hasn't called." Allison pulls me out of my reverie. I look at her and smile. I know Elizabeth won't miss this. I know Elizabeth well enough to know, that she has had many sleepless nights researching all of the university's that Allison applied to, just like she did Stevie, and probably will with Jason, too.
"She'll call Noodle" I say, wondering how Elizabeth's pregnancy craving is still our daughter's nickname.
"Maybe not" Stevie replies. I look over to her "she gets busy, America's chief diplomat and all" She says. I can tell she's anxious. Stevie always worries about good things.
"I made sure, she wouldn't flake." Allison replies.
"How did you do that?" I question. Hoping that Allison wouldn't have done something to put her mother in danger.
2017 Elizabeth
"Mom, Mommy, Mom, Mom, Mom, Momma" I startle at my phone ringing with Allison's voice coming through. Blake leans over.
"I think it might be time for that phone call home, ma'am." I nod and excuse myself away from Dito, for a moment. DS walks me over to a secure closest, and hands me my iPad. I FaceTime Henry.
"Hello" My whole family is there in the frame. I smile looking at all four of them. I laugh and tell Allison "I had a fool proof reminder system in Blake." She looks apologetic, and I feel guilty because it was a lie. I was going to miss it.
"I just really wanted to make sure you were here" She says right as her phone dings. Henry looks at me and crosses his fingers. I hold my breath, why is he looking at me like that?
2017 Henry
As Allison's phone receives the email I can't help but look at Elizabeth. I study her, she's smiling so big at our little girl. She looks so beautiful.
"Ms. McCord" Allison starts reading the email pulling my gaze from Elizabeth. "We are happy to inform you- I GOT IN!" we all cheer and I look over to Elizabeth again and watch her cheer for our daughter. She catches my eye and in a shared look we love one another.