Balancing Toy

When Mama fell into a deep sleep, it was the last time she'd seen Logan cry. Even now, as they stood in front of Dr. Xavier's casket, Logan stood with his back straight, looking forward. Laura heard sniffles around her and other children who cried out loud with abandon. Miss Ororo whispered, "I'll miss him."

The day was quiet and peaceful. The sky reflected nothing of what happened below; the sun shined brightly. Some birds tweeted happily as they flew from branch to branch. Laura looked down at her feet and shifted them slightly, feeling the grass crunch through her shoes. Logan put his hand on her shoulder lightly. She glanced up at him. He smiled sadly.

Once the funeral ended, Logan gave his condolences to Ms. Ororo and Mr. Hank. Ms. Ororo drew Logan in for a tight hug. "Won't you come to stay with us again? Your room is just the way you left it." She looked past him towards Laura and then back to Logan. "And, of course, we have plenty of room for our dear Laura as well."

Just in that moment, Moira McTaggert, the late Dr. Xavier's wife, passed by the group and muttered under her breath, "Impossible - not with that vagrant he totes around."

Ororo and Hank bowed their heads, pretending they didn't hear what she said. Logan put his hand on Laura's shoulder again and guided her away to another direction to speak to others.

It wasn't long before they stood at the front doors of Xavier's mansion. "What's a vagrant?" she asked Logan. They both turned their heads to look into the inside of the mansion where Moira stood amongst others. They all spoke joyfully of Xavier and the memories they shared with him. Moira remained silent and looked onto the portrait of Xavier on the wall.

"Don't think too much about it. She is lonely and grieving."

Back home in their small one-bedroom apartment, Laura flipped through the dictionary till she reached the section with the V's. She crinkled her nose at the memories of Logan sitting down with her every afternoon during the summer after she turned seven, teaching her how to find words in the dictionary. Laura had won the spelling bee at her school that Fall and when she thanked Logan for helping her, he would take none of the credit stating that Laura was just smart enough to win on her own.

Vagrant (va-grant): n. a person without a settled home or regular work who wanders from place to place and lives by begging.

Laura bristled after reading the definition. So, she was insulting us…. She thought back to Moira's expression and the anger bubbling in her chest simmered down. Laura flipped in her bed and thought Moira must have been obviously worried about Logan after all. In fact, the only reason Logan hadn't gone back to stay with them was because of Mama.

She tucked away the dictionary in its usual place under her bed and went out into the living room where Logan's mattress was already flat across the floor, prepped with sheets, pillows, and blankets. A thick aroma emerged from the kitchen where Laura heard Logan's deep humming. Later, they both sat on one edge of the mattress on the floor and watched a program from the middle on the small square television while eating their soup. It was too sour and too salty, but Laura didn't complain.

Laura chose to sleep next to her step-dad that night. They both had their arms behind their head for support and legs crossed at the ankles. It was nearing eleven o' clock but neither of them could get a wink of sleep.

"What was your dad like?" Laura asked into the darkness. "He looked like a nice man."

Laura heard Logan shift and heard his voice closer to her. "He wasn't my real father -he took me in when I was very young and stupid."

"Hee-hee you're still stupid," Laura teased. She immediately felt his large hand ruffle her hair over her face. "Hey!" She quickly brushed her hair out of the way.

"He was the type of man who could read a person very well. It almost felt like he was reading your mind." Logan became quiet after that.

Laura, not sure what to say instead said, "I'm sorry I don't feel very sad. I didn't really know him."

"That's okay, kiddo. If he's a ghost, he'll get to know you now."

Her skin paled a little at the thought. "Eek don't say that! I won't be able to sleep thinking a ghost is watching me."

Logan chuckled. "How about we count sheep and take turns? I'll know you're asleep when I can't hear your voice anymore."

Laura looked up at the ceiling and thought she saw a dark, scary face looking down at her. Her mouth opened, ready to scream.

"Laura, come on, start already."

"Okay. One sheep."

"Two sheep."

"Logan, don't fall asleep yet, okay? Three sheep." She started at the ceiling fan.

"Okay, I won't. Four sheep."

Laura couldn't tell how much time passed in the darkness. They were already counting the six thousand and eight hundred and forty fifth sheep before Logan's voice drawled off and he ended with the word "sheep" and fell into a deep slumber.

"Yes, I won!" Laura jumped up in victory before the time-piece behind her began ringing the 6 o' clock alarm. She rushed to click the snooze button before it woke Logan up. He had to go work today so she thought it would be better for him to get an extra minute of sleep. She went to the balcony and slowly peeled back the curtains to watch the rising sun. She turned back suddenly when she heard a quick sniffle.

Logan was on his side, one arm underneath him and the other hand on his face. Laura knelt down beside him to check if he was alright. He moved his hand away and looked up at her. "Marie." As soon as he said her name, he turned his head into the pillow and faced opposite of her. "Ah, time to get up already." Laura watched him get ready in the morning. They both ate breakfast together and she waved him goodbye as he left for work.

A long time ago, Logan had told her that her Mama fell into a deep sleep. Laura had been five at the time, but she still somehow understood her mama was gone forever. She had to have understood because she asked him "Did Mama die?" How had he reacted to that question?

Laura woke up on the mattress hours later to hear Logan and their landlord at the breakfast table.

"This place has been deteriorating pretty badly lately, you understand. You're one of the few tenants still living in this shithole -excuse my language." Logan and the landlord laughed. "I'm sorry to spring it up on you but would you be able to move out in three months?"

As soon as the landlord left, Laura sat up on the bed. "Logan?"

Logan let out a loud exhale. "You heard that?"

"And if I did?" Laura got up and sat on the chair the landlord had just been on. She crossed her legs sassily and rested her elbows on the table.

"It doesn't help that he left us with these, huh?" Logan said, passing over the floorplans of other apartments in the area.

She glanced through the flyers, feeling a bit distressed. This was the apartment she and Mama lived in even before Logan. "Even if it's worn down, it's still holding up. We should go protest."

Logan laughed. "I think this building has about reached its limit. And think about the landlord's feelings too."

"Which means we have to ignore our own feelings," she muttered angrily.

"It'll be alright Laura. Let's find a better place to live in."

Laura grumbled but looked through the floorplan of one of the apartments. It had two bedrooms, so Logan wouldn't have to sleep in the living room anymore. From the corner of her eyes, Laura saw Logan raise his hand, a small paper airplane, made from one of the flyers, poised for takeoff. Is he not going to suggest we stay at his old home with Moira?

Logan's airplane flew up high but immediately flopped to the ground. Laura quickly folder her flyer into a plane too. "Watch mine!" She aimed carefully, tongue sticking out in concentration, and let hers go. It flew straight ahead and landed on top of the television. "Score!"

They continued to do this for a while until both were tired and laid down on Logan's mattress. "We made a big mess, haven't we, Laura?"

Laura nodded. "I'm too lazy to clean it up."

"Do you want to do rock-paper-scissors and loser clean it up?"

"No way!"

"Why not?"

"I feel like I'm going to lose."

Logan picked up one of the paper airplanes next to him and raised it up over his head. "I used to fly paper airplanes with Dad a lot when I was younger. I…I should've spent more time with him while he was still alive." Laura looked at him for a moment and looked away. She felt a little guilty. He'd always stayed with her since Mama died. Maybe he wished he could've used the time to be with her dad. Does he wish he could've spent more time with Mama?

Logan suddenly turned to face Laura.

Laura, wide-eyed and surprised, asked him, "What is it?"

Logan had his hand in a fist and shook it, silently inviting her to a game of rock-paper-scissors. She played along. He had rock, she had scissors. "I told you I'd lose." Laura grinned at Logan and he smiled back.

Logan sat up and had his arms around his knees. "It's sad to lose everything."

Laura and Logan spent their Saturday morning decluttering their apartment for their potential move.

"Did Mama ever look down on anyone?"

"Hm?"

"That's what I heard Moira say about her once."

"Did she now?" Logan asked as if he didn't believe her.

"Yeah, she did! I wouldn't make it up!" He raised his eyebrows dramatically at her as if to say, "oh really?" "Logan!"

"No, of course not. Even after meeting me, you were still the most important person in the world."

Laura, feeling nostalgic, went digging through the cluttered closet filled everything they could never be bothered to use -some things belonging to her mother. Logan came rushing when he heard a huge crash.

"What are you doing? You should ask me for help when you're going through that." He pursed his lips in annoyance when he saw Laura on her knees with a large box of things that belong to her mother. "That thing you do when you suddenly remember something? Please lose it, you scare me." Logan began to help lift some random boxes and trinkets and stuff them back onto the shelves in the closet.

"Look at this!" Laura held a small pink kitty mask she wore for a carnival when she first met Logan. She put the mask over her face. She remembered Logan nearly ten years ago introduced himself with the same mask, taking it off with a large smile before putting it in her small hands. She smiled behind the mask at the memory. "Logan?"

Logan looked down at her from where he was stuffing some boxes back. "What is it?"

"When I look at you, I feel her presence. Because she's reflected in your eyes, right? That's why I know that it's true that she was a happy woman. I don't really remember stuff from the past. I'm not sure how I felt when those sad things happened. I can't conjure up any memories about it and cry. All I can do is feel lonely. But I won't forget, and I won't pretend it never happened. But I'm not her." Laura finally took off her mask and looked him in the eyes.

Logan reached down and patted her head. "You're right. You're you." He looked at her for a bit. "But you do resemble her a bit."

Laura stuck her tongue out. "I actually hear from people that I look more like you!"

They returned to clean the apartment, but Laura couldn't stop thinking that ten years for Logan was a lot different than ten years for her. Maybe he didn't feel like she was in his life as long as he was in hers. She helped Logan cook that night, handing him whatever ingredient he needed. "Please grab some plates for me."

She shyly handed him one and asked, "When we have to leave this apartment, can I please stay with you?"

Logan looked at her with a face he only used when he wanted to ask her "are you stupid?" She blinked. "You'll make me cry, dummy." He turned back to the pot where he began scooping up a serving, but she swore she saw a tear in his eye.

"Gross, you'll scare me," she teased. But she remembered back to the day when he told her about her Mama. That was the first time she saw Logan cry. He had held her gently and she asked him not to cry like only a child could but no matter what she did she couldn't embrace him no matter how far she stretched her arms. So, she held him tight with her heart.

Laura felt a bit intimidated when she returned to the mansion when Logan went to work. It towered up to the sky and she felt as she was about to enter the fortress of a villain. As soon as she reached the gate, she saw Miss Ororo talking to some of her students. She waved, and Miss Ororo immediately excused herself and invited her in. "Laura! Are you here alone?"

Laura nodded. "Can I please speak to Miss Moira?" she asked.

The three of them sat in a large foyer, Ororo next to Moira, both confused at why they were sitting in front of the child.

"Where's Logan?" Moira asked snidely.

"Moira…" Ororo started.

"Please," Laura said. "Please listen. I want to stay with Logan. But I know my mama and I took him away. I…I want to apologize for both of us." She bit her lip and looked at the two women before bowing her head and clapping her hands together as if in a prayer. "I'm sorry." Laura got up from her seat, ready to leave the mansion. She had said what she needed to say.

Moira stared at her in thought. "The wind blows, but the mountain does not move." She clicked her tongue. "You are one difficult child. I'm going to rest."

Ororo gave Laura a pitiful look but led her to the front gates. "Please come again, okay?"

Laura walked home in peace. Difficult child, she thought. She closed her eyes and laughed. Did you hear that, Mama?

Logan had a baseball cap on his head and a loose t-shirt already sticking to him from the heat. "Laura, hurry up, the real estate folks have already made it to the place."

Laura flew down the stairs, wobbling awkwardly with her backpack full of drinks and snacks.

"Glad the weather's nice today," Logan said sarcastically, using the baseball cap to fan himself.

"We're walking the whole way?"

"Mm, it's not too far away. Let me know if you need some water, I brought some water." Laura sighed hearing the ice cubes clink inside the bottle.

About ten minutes into their walk, they crossed an intersection and Laura saw a ledge by the sidewalk. She quickly climbed up and yelled for Logan. "Look at me! I'm doing the cat walk!" She had both hands on her hips as she walked dramatically forward.

"Hey, that's not safe."

As soon as he said it, Laura wobbled on the ledge and leaned to fall. Logan's eyes widened as he rushed forward to catch her but instead tripped over his shoelaces while Laura landed gracefully on her feet like a cat. She sputtered when she saw Logan on the ground, pointing and laughing like a brat. Soon, Logan laughed along with her.

"Alright, your punishment is walking in front of me, Laura." He had his hands on her shoulders pushing her forward.

Laura used her heels to try to slow him down. "What? I don't know where to go."

"Don't worry, I'll be right behind you. And I'll be watching, too. Just keep on going straight."

She stopped resisting and smiled at him before marching forward like a solider. Logan had always guided her. "I'm super excited. Which way?"

"To the right. And then make a left."

Laura skipped forward, knowing Logan would be behind her like he promised, every now and then touching the rough bark of the trees beside the pathway.

When Mama fell asleep, Laura was still a small child. But that child turned thirteen, bidding farewell to the trees. Mama said, "lets meet again next year."