Title: HonMEI
Author: JoeHundredaire
Rating: PG-13/FR15
Disclaimer: Compared to the majority of the shit that I write, this is a relatively simple disclaimer. Namely because the ownership of My Hero Academia is likewise simple: the entire thing belongs to Kōhei Horikoshi. Not mine, don't sue, and so forth and so on.
Summary: "I'm pretty sure that Hagakure and Jiro have a crush on each other. But after extensive observation and analysis of the data, I've come to an unfortunate conclusion: they're both bottoms."
Joe's Note: I came up with the base concept for this story a few months ago but couldn't nail down specifics. Sorta had a Momobowl iteration bouncing around for a while, which deflated a bit when I did All Glory to the Hypnotoad. Kinda was playing with Momo/Yui of all things after that, before deciding that would be better served by a chapter of something Ultraman-related. So I printed out little headshots of all the 1-A and 1-B girls, stuck them to the wall, and shot two darts at the wall. Where they landed is what couple this story ended up being. Enjoy.
Dedications & Thanks: To MJ, Nicholas, Howard, Cyle, Tibor, Daniel, Danny, TRGrene, ReaperCB919, WildMartin, LazyG3nius22, Glenn, mpotato, Bibliomaniac, Roofcrawler, PbookR, Charles, Crygon20, Edward, Morgan, Joseph, enygma, William, Wil, Paulie_w4535, nigh13shade, Markus, Bunsenburner, Reinhold, fungame2, UncreativeName01, HaunzGruber, TheTenthAncestor, Wesley, and Warren for sponsoring me on Patre0n, and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

Dashing into the support course labs assigned to Class 1-H, Midoriya Izuku casually dodged an unknown projectile propelled by a concerningly large explosion before making his way over to where the literal one person who he thought could help him with his problem was sitting. "Hatsume! I need your help with something!"

Face still covered in soot from the explosion, Hatsume Mei pushed her goggles up onto her forehead to expose the unmarred skin around her bright yellow eyes. The crosshair pupils spun slowly as she stared at him, before locking on and she perked up excitedly. "Hey! Ten Million! What brings you to my humble lab? Do you need costume upgrades again? I've got some new babies that would really help you out in the field!"

Izuku shook his head as he pulled out a handkerchief, cleaning off a spot on her workbench so that he could lean against it without dirtying his uniform blazer. "Tempting but no. I'm actually here on behalf of two of my classmates. Do you remember Jiro Kyoka and Hagakure Toru from the Sports Festival?"

After considering the question for a few seconds, Mei shook her head with a bright smile. "Never heard of them!"

"I... you made Hagakure's new costume. I saw your signature on the note in her costume case when she unpacked it to show it off to the class." When Mei continued to stare at him blankly, Izuku sighed in exasperation before racking his brain for what nicknames Mei had labeled them with. What was with the explosive people in his life and sucking at remembering actual names? "Streaker and Jacks."

Mei perked up and offered Izuku a thumbs up. "I know exactly who you're talking about! Jacks hasn't come by since that time I asked if I could upgrade from her clearly antiquated eighth inch jacks to a nice set of USB-C plugs." Pausing, she cocked her head to the side. "I don't know if Streaker's been here. She's kind of, you know..." Mei wavered her hand wildly. "Invisible."

Idly, Izuku found himself pondering if Toru had at some point visited the support labs in her, err, original costume if that was Mei's recollection of her. Mostly because she normally wore the same uniform as the rest of the girls? Very confusing, slightly concerning. Shaking his head to clear it, Izuku tried to press on. "But yes, those two. I came to you because ever since I started dating Tsu, I've been more aware of the people around me. I'm pretty sure that Hagakure and Jiro have a crush on each other. But after extensive observation and analysis of the data, I've come to an unfortunate conclusion: they're both bottoms."

Gasping, Mei brought her hands up to her chest. "Oh no! I've seen enough anime to know what that means! And..." Trailing off, her pupils spun a few times as she scrutinized Izuku. "I don't see why this is either of our problem."

"Simple. It's my problem because I want my classmates to be as happy as I am with Tsu, and I think they'd be happier together than single." Izuku gestured from himself to Mei. "It's your problem because if they're both bottoms then they'll never confess. Which means they'll never date. Which in turn means that they'll never be a hero duo with combination super moves that can be enhanced by-"

"Super cute quirk combination babies! Babies that will never be made at this rate! Oh no!" Shooting forward, Mei grabbed Izuku by the biceps and shook him aggressively, and wow she was pretty much exactly as strong as her thickly corded arms made her look. "We need to do something! The alternative is unthinkable!"

Outstanding. Now they were on the same page at least. Izuku nodded enthusiastically, pulling free of Mei's grasp. He cringed slightly at the dark handprints now marring his blazer before focusing, shrugging his backpack off one shoulder so that he could reach around and dig through the contents. Pulling out Hero Analysis for the Future Volume 13, the verdette quickly flipped to the page where he'd been idly jotting down thoughts about how to get Kyoka and Toru together. Turning it to face her, he pointed to an idea circled in red. "Valentine's Day is in two weeks. Is there some way that we can work with that? What if we convince them separately to give each other honmei choco?"

Eyes widening, Mei nodded eagerly before spinning around and turning back to her workbench. "That's a great idea! After all, you can't spell honmei without Mei! I have the perfect baby for this plan!"

All right. Now they were getting somewhere. Izuku watched as Mei dug through the towering piles of clutter on her workbench, eventually pulling out... he shuddered. Why did it have to be spiders? Oh God! Why was she shoving it in his face?! Izuku backpedaled, raising his hands defensively in the face of a giant gleaming silver spider robot. "What... is that?"

"My molecular gastronomy baby!" Twisting it around, Mei hugged it to her chest before running her hands over the bulbous abdomen of the spider. Tapping in a specific spot caused it to open up, exposing several containers and vials. "I use it to make myself lunch when I can't be bothered to go to the cafeteria. It would be child's play to reconfigure this baby to produce chocolate for Valentine's Day. And not just any chocolate, but the most perfectly scientifically delicious chocolate ever created. One might say... the ideal honmei chocolate."

Considering there were only two possible ways for the spider robot to deliver chocolate, Izuku found himself desperately hoping that the pink-haired inventor wouldn't try to produce the chocolate in front of either Kyoka or Toru. He wasn't sure about Kyoka, but Toru at a minimum would definitely be put off by a spider robot puking or pooping chocolate for her. "Okay, so I asked Ashido and she said that Hagakure's favorite food is caramels. I feel like we can incorporate that somehow. And I very discreetly watched Jiro in the cafeteria and she seems to be a fan of raspberries. Also, the one time I've seen her with chocolate, it was seventy percent cacao dark chocolate."

Mei nodded in understanding as she pulled out a piece of paper and jotted that information down for herself. "Making milk and dark chocolate should be a piece of cake. Caramel is just heated sugar, right? Also no problem for my baby. Raspberries... well, at least it's not apple or peach. Loading the gastronomy baby requires some degree of prep and raspberries can just be dumped into a hopper. Yeah, I think we can pull this off. Now the big question... how are you going to convince them to come talk to me so that I can sell them on my baby?"

Hmm. That was a good point. Especially since Mei had apparently scared off Kyoka pretty well at some point in the past. "I mean, technically we only need to get one of them to come see you? Possibly Hagakure? She can give chocolate to Jiro and then Jiro can give chocolate back on White Day. I think that's how some lesbians do things?"

"Is it?" Mei scratched her head, smearing soot through her bright pink hair as she thought. "So should I give Yaoyorozu chocolates for Valentine's Day or wait until White Day?"

That question brought Izuku up short. "You, uh, are interested in Yaoyorozu?" How had he missed this? Wait. When had they even interacted, apart from being on the same field during the second round of the Sports Festival?

Mei shot him a condescending look. "Who wouldn't be? She's rich and she's smart and she's very polite and well mannered, both of which are things that I am not good at whatsoever. Also, her boobs are bigger than mine, which is something that I look for in a relationship but find hard to come by." If that was a relationship requirement for Mei, Izuku could understand why she was single. She was awfully... gifted. "Also, I'm an inventor and she's literally a fabricator. We're a match made in heaven! Imagine if I can teach her to make my babies? She'll always have the exact piece of equipment that she needs for any situation!"

There was a lot to unpack there and Izuku wasn't prepared to contemplate any of it. Uh, if things did manage to work out between them... good for Momo and Mei? Not a couple that he would have seen coming, but then again the probably could have been said about him and Tsuyu. Wait. Was Mei legitimately asking for advice? "Well, do you think she's going to confess to you? Or should you confess to her? If you're going to confess to her, Valentine's Day is a great day to do it. And then she can return the favor on White Day."

Nodding excitedly, Mei patted her food fabricating spider on the back. "I'm going to push this thing to the limits to create chocolates worthy of Yaoyorozu! Possibly after I help your friends out, just in case it's not up to the task and explodes! Which my inventions sometimes do!"

Izuku was personally of the opinion that 'sometimes' was an understatement, but he really wasn't in the mood to argue that with Mei. Especially given that her assistance was crucial to his plans at this point. "Right. So. The plan. I'm going to get at least Hagakure to come talk to you about chocolate. Maybe both of them. One way or another, chocolate will get exchanged between the two of them on Valentine's Day and hopefully we'll get a new couple out of it!"

"Yeah! And then babies!"

"Yeah!"

"I made you a bento today and you're not even opening it? Are you mad at me, kero?"

Turning to Tsuyu with a startled expression on his face, Izuku shook his head vehemently before leaning in so that he could lower his voice. "I'll eat lunch in a minute or two. Right now, I'm just waiting for a couple different shows to start." When Tsuyu cocked her head to the side curiously, he nodded in the direction of where Kyoka was juggling her lunch tray and a small box the exact same shade of pink as Mei's hair. "Exhibit A: the sadly single rocker."

Tsuyu's eyes darted around the room before landing on someone, the frog-like girl nodding to redirect Izuku's attention. "Exhibit B: the extrovert who just wants to be seen?"

It took Izuku a moment to spot his quarry in the crowded lunch room, especially given that her empty uniform blended in with the crowd. But there Toru was, holding a pink box of her own. "You noticed the same thing that I did, then?"

"Mmm. They've been circling each other since the first day of school. It's annoying." Tsuyu brought her finger up to the corner of her mouth as she stared at Toru. "I'm not sure how a relationship between them would work given that they're both bottoms. Not that there's anything wrong with being a bottom. We work well together because you're a bottom. I just feel like at some point, someone's going to have to take charge if the two of them end up dating? It should be interesting to watch."

Blushing faintly, Izuku nodded in agreement. He'd never really thought of himself as a bottom until he'd met Tsuyu. To be fair, he hadn't really thought about relationship dynamics and sex - at least in the context of involving him - until he'd met Tsuyu. Was he a bottom? Or was he a switch and she was just really great at topping him? Something to consider later, he decided. Spotting another flash of the same shade of pink, Izuku watched as Mei strode into the cafeteria, a larger pink box in her hands and streaks of chocolate smeared over her face. "Exhibit C just arrived."

Tsuyu let out a soft croak as her eyes jumped back and forth between the three girls. Her tongue poking out slightly, she tilted her head to the side curiously. "Hatsume is going to confess to Toru and Kyoka? I... honestly didn't see this coming. Especially because Kyoka and Hatsume don't really get along that well."

"No, no, Hatsume is going to confess to someone else. Because you're right. I have no idea how I managed to talk Jiro into accepting Hatsume's help with Valentine's Day." Chuckling, Izuku shot Tsuyu a slow and awkward wink. "Maybe I secretly have a second quirk that makes me really good at persuading people?"

Tsuyu raised an eyebrow at that. "On top of the obvious one, the black tentacle quirk, and the smoke-making quirk? So four quirks, then?"

Sighing, Izuku leaned in and brushed his cheek against the top of Tsuyu's head. "One of these days, I'll finally be allowed to tell you the truth about my quirk. But, uh, today in the middle of the cafeteria isn't it. Also! We're getting distracted! So yes, Hagakure and Jiro. But also Hatsume and Yaoyorozu."

"Oh. That's fortuitous. Yaomomo was stressing because the only chocolate she knows how to produce with her quirk is high quality stuff. She was worried that people would interpret it as honmei choco instead of giri choco." Reaching into her bag, Tsuyu pulled out a small heart-shaped box of chocolates secured with a band that looked like the belt on Yaoyorozu's hero costume. "So it looks like she's definitely waiting for someone to confess to her. Not sure if she's waiting on Hatsume per se, but I guess we're going to find out."

Izuku's eyes bounced back and forth, trying to track multiple people all at once. Kyoka had taken her customary seat next to Momo. Toru was slowly making her way toward where Kyoka was sitting. Mei was... not so slowly making her way toward where Momo was sitting. Unsurprisingly, Mei reached her target first. "Yaoyorozu Momo! My name is Hatsume Mei, future CEO of Hatsume Industries! And I wish to be your valentine! Accordingly, I have come bearing the gift of honMEI choco and..." Reaching into her pocket, Mei slapped something down on the table that turned out to be a hologram projector, a large image snapping into existence over Momo's lunch table. "A presentation outlining my good points, why we are compatible, and a thorough cost-benefits analysis of the possibility of dating me!"

As a darkly blushing Momo tried her best to keep a straight face as everyone in the vicinity stared at the two of them, Izuku watched as Kyoka slunk away from the table, conveniently in the same direction that Toru was approaching from. With all the noise in the cafeteria, Izuku couldn't hear what the two said when they bumped into each other. Curse the previous holders of One for All; would it have killed someone to give it to a successor with a sensory quirk? He was dying of curiosity over here! He watched intently as Toru gestured increasingly animatedly at the blushing Kyoka, and then the two hesitantly exchanged pink boxes of honMEI choco. Suddenly, Kyoka was dipped backward, her face exploding into an even darker blush. Had Toru... kissed her in the middle of the cafeteria? How daring!

"Wow, you went two for two today, Izuku. Not bad. Not bad at all." Tsuyu slipped her left hand into his right as she opened her own bento and grabbed a pair of chopsticks. She gestured vaguely in the direction of Momo and Mei, the latter of which had moved to take Kyoka's abandoned seat and was now speaking lowly with Momo as the taller girl continued to blush at the attention. She didn't seem to be rejecting Mei, though, so... so far so good? "For an encore, fix Mina up with someone."

Thanking that time he broke his hand in middle school for forcing him to developed some semblance of ambidexterity, Izuku opened his own bento with his left hand and picked his own chopsticks. Scanning the cafeteria, he spotted the girl in question sitting with the rest of the Bakusquad, practically climbing over Kirishima Eijiro as she tried to get a good look at what was going on at Momo's table. "Didn't you say that you wanted to ask Ashido to be in a triad with us?"

"I said what I said, kero."