Being happy

Author: PlumePlume

Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to its creators and I do not profit economically from this story.

Spoiler: takes place at the beginning of season 8.

Rating: T

Pairing: Destiel

Here is some S8 fix-it, because for me Dean's behavior was completely illogical and excessive during this season (he never wanted anything but Sam's happiness, and demonstrated it many times, so why getting so upset?).

I hope you'll enjoy this alternative version of their reunion scene! :)

Being happy

The door to Rufus' cabin trembled on its hinges.

"You stopped hunting?! You're kidding me, right?"

Sam sighed, installed in one of the armchairs, facing Dean, who was pacing up and down like a caged lion, waving his arms in all directions. He ended up turning his tense and furious face towards Sam, irritated by his impassivity.

"And, could I at least get an explanation, or…?"

"Look, Dean…" Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and gathered all his courage and patience (considering his brother's condition, he would need it). "I did what we promised to do: when one of us disappears, the other one carries on and start a new life. That's what you did when I was in the Cage with Lucifer, and that's what you blamed me for not doing when you were in Hell."

Dean choked.

"I blamed you?! I never blamed you for not carry on with your life, I blamed you for banging a fucking demon who turned out to be a bitch from the start! And it has nothing to do with my situation!"

"Dean, you were locked up in Purgatory. A place so secure that it contained all the Leviathans for millennia! In addition to containing billions of monsters, not to mention that a solid hundred of them were killed by our hands. So excuse me for thinking you were dead… It's completely illogical that there's a human emergency exit in there."

The elder Winchester seemed momentarily at a loss for words, as he picked up the beer on the table and dropped into the other chair. He took several sips before resuming, a little more calmly.

"It's for you that I came back, Sammy, you know that?"

The youngest did not answer, saddened by this fact. Dean continued, anger slowly giving way to bitterness:

"Since Bobby died, you are all I have left. It's for you that I fought to come back here, because I didn't want to – couldn't – let you down, and leave you to deal with all the shit we'd caused. Because I was sure you'd move heaven and earth to try to find me, like you did when I was in Hell…"

Sam lowered his head, guilty.

"I'm sorry, Dean… Really… I didn't think…"

To Sam's surprise, he felt Dean put a hand on his shoulder. The elder answered gently "It's okay, Sammy… You did what you had to. I was wrong."

Sam's heart sank as he heard his brother's exhausted voice. He sounded so worn out, so exhausted…

A silence hung, heavy. Dean withdrew his hand and resumed gently, almost hesitating "So, what are you going to do? Go back with your girl to live some apple pie life?"

"Dean…"

"No, no, I mean it, Sam! I only want you to be happy, and you know it. If you found the right one, go for it, I'll support you. In our lives, opportunities like this, we don't have tons of them, so when one comes up, catch it, Sammy. And above all, never let it go."

His voice broke slightly at the end. Dean repeated lower, to himself "Promise me that you will never let go."

Dean's face was crumpled in sadness, and Sam felt his stomach contracting painfully as he met his older brother's devastated gaze. Something definitely happened in Purgatory, something so horrible that it had broken Dean… And not even the tortures of Hell had managed that feat.

"Dean…?"

A tear rolled down the cheek of the elder brother, and fell silently on the old wooden floor. When Dean spoke, his voice was hoarse and small.

"It was Cas…"

Sam did not understand. Dean developed.

"It was Cas, my opportunity, Sammy…"

Oh. Oh… Sam swallowed with apprehension, fearing the meaning of this revelation. Dean was back. But not Cas. Another tear fell at Dean's feet.

"I abandoned him. I… I let him down. When he needed me the most! You should have seen him Sammy, he was so tired, so hopeless when I found him… So empty…"

Sam stood up and in two strides, he was in front of Dean, hugging him. He felt his big brother shudder slightly, then two hands desperately clutched the back of his shirt. Dean's voice reached him, muffled against his chest.

"I looked for him for months, down there! Months of killing, slaughtering and torturing all the monsters we found, to force them to tell us where Cas was…"

Sam didn't understand much of this rambling story, but it was not time for explanations yet. He just tightened his embrace and gently caressed Dean's back to soothe him.

"Then we found him, but it was already too late. He was so broken… So empty… It was so painful to see. He didn't even want to go with me! He wanted to…". His voice broke again. "He wanted to sacrifice himself to protect me, Sammy… He had spent all this time running away to keep the Leviathans away from me."

Sam felt his heart break. Of course Cas had done that…

"And after all that, I let him down! He saved me. He rescued me from Hell, he protected me from angels, demons, helped us avoid the Apocalypse! He even saved me from Leviathans! And I couldn't even get him out of that mess!"

Sam felt his shirt getting wet. He gently patted Dean's back, who was shuddering intermittently. "We were… we were almost there. I was in the portal, holding his hand. We were gonna make it. But no! (Dean's grip tightened on his shirt) I let go of his fucking hand!"

Sam frowned. Something was not right. "You let go of his hand?"

Dean tensed violently against him. "His hand was slipping, I was holding it but… I couldn't… I didn't… It slipped. I let go. I wasn't holding it tight enough. I should have…"

He was shaking all over. With anger, with sadness, with frustration. Sam tightened his embrace, as if to protect him from his bad memories.

"Dean. You didn't let him down." A groan answered him, he resumed, more firmly. "Dean. Listen to me. You didn't let him down. I know you didn't. You care about him like you've never cared about anyone! You would never have let him down. I don't know what happened, but it's not your fault, okay?"

Dean didn't answer and tightened his grip even more. Sam slowly stroked his back.

"We'll figure this out, I promise. We'll get him back, and then we will all be happy."

Thanks for reading!

So, which version do you prefer?