A/N HEART STORY FEB WRITING PROMPT SUBMISSION TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 8 and 9. Instead of staying with Lucas, she returned from Hamilton and sought guidance from the Canfields. Based on the song YOU MATTER TO ME By CALLUM SCOTT
Elizabeth sat pondering the latest session in a long list that had been conducted by Joseph and Minnie as she finally began getting her life back on track. She had broken things off with Lucas right after her conversation with Nathan. It had been amiable, and they still had a friendship that came out of it. She even introduced him to his now fiancée, who would be arriving on the evening train.
"Elizabeth, you know that only God controls time however, there's a burden you are carrying that is the core of why you can't get better. I think that you already know what it is, don't you?"
Elizabeth nodded. "It's my biggest regret, but I don't see…"
But Joseph interrupted her. "What is it? I think it's time to acknowledge it out in the open."
"Nathan, I would have added Allie in there, but thankfully we were able to make things right between us, and we seem to be back to where we were."
"You have managed to repair relationships with everyone, even Nathan, to a point. But I notice that it's still hard." Joseph said with compassion. "Elizabeth, you have done great since we first began. From what I have heard, you are back to how you were before Jack passed."
"I noticed that too. I guess when I was finally able to let Jack go and just embrace what I still have, which is my students and my son, I found Elizabeth Thatcher again though she's a lot smarter and humble now, I think. But my faith is stronger, and I am at peace finally with Jack's death. I dwell on the wonderful happy memories instead of the grief."
"That is wonderful, Elizabeth. Now I have another assignment that I think will be tough, but it might clarify a path for you to take. However, I am thinking that only by sharing your regrets with Nathan will you finally be ready to move on fully."
"Joseph, what is the point of sharing them with him? I mean, he has moved on and seems to be heading toward a committed relationship with Faith, Mei, or Fiona. By sharing anything with him, I will either make the awkwardness worse or cause problems for him.
"Are you still struggling with fear of losing someone you love?" Joseph asked.
"No, if this whole debacle has taught me anything, it is that not following your heart, and trying to be something you aren't, just causes harm down the road."
Joseph gave her an amused glance as realization dawned at what she had just said. "I'm following my heart Joseph and protecting Nathan by not sharing my feelings, but I'm not trying to be something I'm not."
"Aren't you?" Joseph said. "I want you to answer this question, and we can talk about it at your next session.
"If you could turn back the clock over the last three years, what would you change and why?"
Then Joseph left her to ponder his words.
Bill had Jack, so she saddled up Sargent and went to her land. She had taken some paper with her and wrote out, MY BIGGEST REGRET IS LETTING FEAR WIN.
My biggest regret, Nathan, is that I even walked into the Jail that day and callously lied when I told you those things. If I could change anything, it would be that you and I would have married and formed a family with Jack and Allie.
Nathan, I love you and am in love with you. I have been since our early days. You weren't wrong that day when you said that I feel the same way you did. I mean, I told you that I was afraid to lose you as I did, Jack. If that sounds like a comparison, it is not. It just means that my love for you is as deep as what I shared with him. When I ran to my land after your declaration, I had half hoped you would come after me. But please don't take that as a criticism or accusation. You have always had my feelings at the heart of your actions, so never think I am criticizing you.
Nathan, my mind races and keeps me up at night because I'm always thinking of you and reliving the early days when we still had ease between us. I'm noticing too that when I see a red Serge, it is you I am looking for and not Jack.
If I could turn back the clock, I would have faced my fear with you by my side, and our conversation at the Jail would have been different. I would have ensured that love defeated my fear. I wouldn't have run from you that day you made your beautiful declaration. Instead, I would have told you how scared I was and told you that I needed you and how much I loved you too. Maybe we would be married and expecting our first child by now, and I would know the taste of your kisses and how your lips feel like on mine.
If I had the chance, I'd spend every hour of every day treasuring your heart and keeping it safe. I would make sure that you and Allie never had any reason to doubt just how much I love you.
Instead of doing any of that, I sit here struggling with that reality of what I missed out on and a lot of If only's.
Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock to that day and followed Emerson's advice on the plaque you made me. It would make me happy beyond belief. But now that I have finally found myself again, I wish for your and Allie's happiness, my own, just like you have wanted for me when you stepped back thinking that Lucas was my choice. Truth was that we had already broken off before I saw you at the jail. When I thought he had run away, I panicked, thinking I wouldn't get closure with him too. But I caught him when he came back, although people thought we were still courting.
I pray that you find the love you deserve and that it will make your heart whole again, Nathan. Though it will hurt to see you with another, it is my own fault that I hurt. You, Allie, and Jack are the reason that my heart keeps beating, even if only from a distance.
Elizabeth noticed that it was getting colder and that light snow had started to fall. Gathering up her things, she folded the letter and placed it in her journal. Suddenly she heard male voices, and fearing discovery since she was struggling to get her tears to stop, she mounted quickly and set Sargent on a run back home.
Nathan was brought up short as he saw Elizabeth riding Sargent. The familiar pang entered his heart.
"You know that she's not with Lucas anymore, right?" Bill said. "She has really come back to herself since she and Joseph started counseling. From the looks, she gives you when you're not looking, I would say her feelings for you are still there. Though from what I hear, you have become the town's most eligible bachelor," Bill teased. "Are you any closer to choosing?"
Nathan rolled his eyes at the bachelor remark. "There's no choice to make because the feelings aren't there. Bill saw an opportunity of things still working out for Nathan and Elizabeth, but how to bring it about was still unknown.
Elizabeth was just finishing up and grabbed her journal to head home when Nathan and Bill arrived at the livery. She kept her face hidden, but both men knew that she had been crying. When Bill asks, she mumbled she was fine and goes to leave, but in her hurry, she bumped into Nathan and almost dropped her journal. Nathan had reached out and steadied her, and they were both rocketed by the familiar sparks that were set off every time they touched. With a quick "I'm sorry." She left.
Nathan was still standing there watching her when Bill said, "Hey, what's that?" pointing at a folded piece of paper on the floor. Nathan reached down, and as he unfolded it, he recognized Elizabeth's handwriting and his name.
As he read it he was floored, and the emotions it created were overwhelming. "What would have happened if he had gone after her that day? What if he had called her out on the lies before she even left the Jail? When he read about the kisses, marriage, and even her pregnant with their first child, he could see it in his mind. Suddenly he knew that though the clock couldn't be turned back, there was one thing that could be changed. He could actually go after her this time, and that was just what he was going to do.
"Bill?" Nathan said. Without him knowing, Bill had come up beside him and had quickly scanned the letter himself.
"Go on, I'll take care of Newton. I think it is past time."
Nathan strode quickly to her house feeling a bit anxious but also excited to discuss her letter.
Elizabeth had just put the kettle on when there was a knock at her door. When she answered it she was shocked to see Nathan standing on her steps.
"May I come in, Lisbeth? I need to talk to you."
"Of course, Nathan. I just put the kettle on for tea would you like some?"
That would be fine," Nathan said while looking around. "Where's Jack?"
"Oh, he is spending the day with Lee and Rosemary today. Is something wrong?"
"If I had followed you the day you ran from me when I told you I loved you what would have happened?"
Elizabeth looked in shock and then went to her journal. "If you're looking for the letter I have it. You dropped it when you bumped into me."
Elizabeth was frozen for a moment, but then steeling herself, she walked over and kissed him, putting every ounce of love and longing into it. When she pulled back, she said, "I would have told you that I loved you too, very much, but was scared."
Nathan's wits were a bit scrambled, but hearing her words, he said, "I'm sorry I missed out on it. But at least now I can do this, and then he pulled her into his arms more snugly and said, "I love you, Lizbeth,"
He became lost in her eyes as her eyes softened, and then he could see the desire there, and she said, "I love you too, Nathan,"
He captured her lips, and they exchanged kisses, finally feeling that all was right with the world. Afterward, as they sipped tea, they spoke of their current situation, answering each other's questions. Nathan was shocked when Elizabeth said that Lucas' fiancé was arriving tonight on the train and would be coming to the dance. He assured her that he had no ties to any of the women he had been seeing and that they never reached the courting stage though it was close with Faith, and that he was free to pursue a relationship.
"Would you let me court you, Elizabeth?"
"Let's get married, Nathan. You and I both know what we want. Let's grab Allie, find Jack, Rosie, and Lee, and then have Bill do it before the dance tonight?" Elizabeth said. "I know it's impulsive, but I feel like we have wasted so much time already."
Nathan kissed her and grabbed her coat; the next thing she knew, they were standing in front of Bill. It was reminiscent of Allie's adoption ceremony with the addition of the Coulters and Jack. That night when they walked into the dance, it was together as the new blended Grant family.