Paths
'You ok there Madam Secretary?' Blake asked as he tilted his head to capture her attention as she paused for a moment on their way back to the hotel. Elizabeth smiled as she glanced up at him, a soft nod of the head signalling that she was ok. She stood from the bench beneath her and turned to Blake and the rest of her staff,
'I am just going to go for a walk around the gardens, I'll catch you all up later' she smiled. Her entire being was so calm yet bursting with happiness; a level of contentment she didn't know was possible. She turned and began to walk away from them, her DS agents following not too far behind. She inhaled the fresh summer blossom smells and allowed the beauty of the flowers to capture her peaceful mind.
She was a woman on a walk; starting to get a feel for who she really was at her core. Her days were full of more calmness now that she had mastered the art of having a clear mind, basking in the serenity of her own intelligence rather than tiring herself with unresolved thoughts, she could see far more clearly, but viewing things with her senses rather than limiting herself to just her eyes, a sort of thinking without words. And what came to her were new thoughts, new journeys, new people, new paths, once undiscovered. Paths that she didn't know she needed to wonder down, but she was glad she did….
1 Year ago…
What started out as a normal mundane day at the state department for Elizabeth had transpired into something much more chaotic, sure that was not out of the norm for the department, another day another crisis she often found herself preaching to her staff, But this was different; this is different, because this crisis was her-own personal crisis, but how? How had she gone from being in her office to being led in a hospital bed waiting for the doctor to come and see her, she had been fine, she was fine, at least that is what she continued to tell herself, despite the events that took place just ninety minutes ago…
She paced her office as she listened to yet another excuse from Minster Chen, and another and another until she felt the rage and panic bubble inside her like a volcano, unable to stop herself from erupting.
'Are you not hearing me? Your children and mine will suffer because of choices we make today, they will suffer and there will be nothing that we can do to help them, is that what you want, is tha- Will you excuse me for a minute please' Her voice thick and strained as she pushed through the panic, searching deep within her to breathe the air but failing. Her lungs gasped as her chest tightened, physically reducing the flow of oxygen.
Her heart thumped against her chest walls as her chest expanded greatly in an effort to inhale deeply as she spoke. But it was no use, with a distorted vision, chest pains and an increasing difficulty to breathe she fumbled for her office door, pulling it open aggressively in search of Blake. He turned on the spot and immediately rose upon seeing her.
'Can you call 911, I think I'm having a heart attack' she gasped, short shallow breaths consumed her as she tried to control herself.
'Hi Madam Secretary' the doctor smiled upon greeting her. She flashed him a small smile as she curled into herself a little; almost afraid of what he was going to say. 'Well the good news is you're fine, you didn't have a heart attack. It was most likely a panic attack; you have got the job for it'
'Oh god' she closed her eyes as a wave of embarrassment flooded her core. 'Is it bad that I wished that I'd actually had a heart attack?' She questioned, raising her eyebrows as she looked at the doctor before her but he dismissed her comment.
'I recommend you go easy on the coffee, take a few personal days, from what I see in the news you've been pretty busy' he warned and she nodded.
She dropped her gaze down to her hands and dipped her head slightly. She fiddled with her fingers and attempted to suppress the disappointment within herself; she was strong, she was fine, how could she let herself have a panic attack. Elizabeth chewed her lips and looked up and she heard the doctor move closer to her bed. She watched as he pulled a chair over and sat before her. At first she was a little perplexed as to why he was still here, but the softness of his features somehow reassured her.
'Madam Secretary… Navy SEAL's get this you know' he started
'Get what?' of course she knew, but her wall of denial was built so high it was going to take more than that.
'Get this, are you tougher than a Navy SEAL?'
'Maybe like a really runty one' she deflected. She paused as she looked at him; his stare was stern but his eyes soft. She pressed her lips together and swallowed back her tears.
'I think maybe I got a little more affected by some things than I thought. But it was one incident, I am fine. You don't need to stay and talk to me. It's passed, I'm fine' She attempted to reassure him, but it was no use, there was something about him which forced her to face the truth, she couldn't hide from him.
'Madam Secretary I am going to be frank, now you ,may think you can tough this out but you can't, you've got to get help now before this takes a hold and gets worse' he stressed but she rolled her eyes
'I can't just drop everything and take a spa day, or take a few personal days because I am sad, that's not how my job works'
'You don't have to drop everything, you just need to talk to someone. That is all I am saying. Just talk'
'Well I'm talking to you now so…'
'No, that doesn't count, I am just your doctor, I am not a therapist. Please Elizabeth' he dropped the formalities; it had been a long time since she had just been called by her name. Her gaze flicked and she looked at him, taking him all in. He was handsome, she hadn't noticed before. She shook her head and questioned him.
'You called me Elizabeth?'
'I figured it would get your attention,' he shrugged and winked playfully as she chuckled softly at his boldness. He smiled and began to stand.
'I'll just get you some details of some private Therapists-'
'No it's fine, my team can do it' she paused; he looked at her knowing she was trying to avoid contacting anyone. Elizabeth shook her head 'I'm just not ready to talk about it' she inhaled deeply trying not to cry. She let out a slow deep breath as she regained some control over her emotions. The doctor nodded.
'I'll pass the details onto your PA then, for when you are ready'
'I don't need a therapist' she hit back, her tone a little harsh as she looked away from him.
He watched her, she was beautiful and strong, one of the most powerful and influential women in the world yet he was sure in that moment she didn't know it; or believe it. He watched as she struggled with her emotions, a clear barrier displayed.
'Why don't you start with a family member or a friend? Start talking to them about how you feel?' he offered
'I don't really have them, I'm not in the most flexible job so it makes it difficult' she pressed her lips together 'And I can't exactly go home and talk to my thirteen year old son about how I feel' she mocked.
'Well how about me?' the doctor suggested, the words just fell from his lips, no control, just hot lava spilling out and consuming her. She flicked her head up and looked confused
'You?' she asked and he shrugged with a smirk
'Why not? If it gets you talking-'
'Thanks but you have so many other patients to see-'
'Then how about outside of work? You, me, some coffees and a walk...?' He sat back down for a moment looking at her, something compelling him to pursue this woman.
'You said I had to lay off the coffee…- she teased
'Fine, I am sure I can stretch to a Hot chocolate for you' She pressed her lips together as he spoke, trying to hide the grin on her face, a rare moment of happiness flooding her.
'Ok, I'll talk to you,' she agreed and he nodded.
'Great, I'll leave my number on this card-' he pulled a piece of card from his pocket and wrote his number across it. Elizabeth smiled and ran her thumb along the numbers as she looked down at it.
'Wait, I didn't catch your name?' she called before he stepped out of her room.
'I'm Dr Henry McCord'