Roy backed the squad into the bay, the last call still working at his mind. He knew it was working at his partner's mind, too.
He just wished Johnny would say something, anything. The other man had been eerily silent the entire ride back.
This had been a bad one, and if Roy knew Johnny, he was beating himself up for how it had ultimately ended. And there wasn't a damn thing Roy could say to make Johnny feel better about it.
Roy shut off the squad, sitting with Johnny in silence. If he waited long enough, it was likely Johnny would start talking eventually.
Finally, Johnny lifted his head and stared out through the windshield. "I had him, Roy. I had him and…"
He swallowed hard and blinked, rubbing at one arm. "How the hell did I lose him, Roy?" He asked so quietly Roy barely heard him. "I had him."
Before Roy could say anything, Johnny opened the door of the squad and slammed it shut behind him. Roy let out a long sigh. There would be no getting through to Johnny right now. Better to let him be.
# # #
Johnny leaned over the sink, splashing cold water over his face. The image of the man slipping out of his grasp, falling, falling, falling into nothing wouldn't leave him.
All that talking to him, and for what? For what?
Usually Johnny was able to put the bad calls behind him and keep on going. Sure, a few particularly bad ones would come back to wake him up out of a sound sleep and have him pacing around the apartment. But a few good hits off a joint and he'd wind down enough to get back to sleep, no problem.
That kind of thing was frowned upon on the job, though. He had to stay sharp. A cup of coffee and a cigarette had to do to settle himself back down after those kinds of disturbances.
He looked up from the sink to see Cap behind him, arms folded over his chest, an unreadable expression on his face.
"That was a bad one." Cap started quietly. "You doing okay?"
Johnny nodded, leaning heavily on the sink.
Cap let out a heavy sigh behind him. "It'd be understandable if you weren't, considering you almost went over with the guy yourself."
Had he? Johnny had to go back and remember that part. It had all happened so fast, the guy falling, Johnny grabbing him, Roy and Chet grabbing Johnny, and everyone yelling.
He remembered it now, that feeling of teetering over that building, so close to falling over. And that briefest flash of a thought, just before it all ended, the thought that maybe if Roy and Chet let go, Johnny would go over too, and would that be so bad?
Those little flashes of thought that broke through the background noise in his head were getting more frequent lately, but he wasn't going to share that with Cap. Better to keep that stuff to himself. "I'll be alright."
There was a long silence until Cap broke it. "Food's ready if you want some."
"In a minute."
He managed a few bites before the tones went off again, and Johnny spent the rest of the shift in a fog, going through the motions and letting his training take over. Somewhere in there he tried to catch some sleep, but it was an exercise in futility, and he found himself once again standing outside the station with a cup of coffee and a smoke, watching as the daylight started pushing out the darkness.
If only Johnny could figure out how to do that for himself.
# # #
At the end of the shift, Johnny changed into street clothes, barely listening to the rest of the crew as they did the same. He barely noticed that Roy was walking out alongside him until the other man spoke. "Got plans for your days off?"
"Think I might head up to the mountains." Johnny answered in what he hoped was a casual tone. "You know, clear my head."
"Yeah, probably the best thing for you." Roy nodded. "Don't go getting lost or anything."
Johnny managed a slight smile at that. "Only temporarily."
The two men climbed into their respective vehicles, and if Johnny were being honest, he was relieved to be out from under Roy's watchful eye for a day or two. He just needed a little time alone, away from here, away from everything. It would be enough to quiet the noise in his head for a while, or so he hoped.
It took Johnny almost no time to pack up and hit the road, and soon the city was far behind him. The air slowly became clearer, cooler, and Johnny could feel himself unwind just a little. By the time he pulled in and got his campsite set up, the noise in his head had quieted to nothing much beyond a buzz, a bit like static from the handy-talkie. Nothing he couldn't handle.
He rolled a joint from the stash he had shoved in his jeans pocket and lit it, taking a deep drag and holding it for a moment before exhaling. There was something about the whole ritual that almost felt spiritual. It damn sure made him feel better.
Well, if not better, it at least made him forget how awful he felt. Most of the time that was enough. He only hoped it would be enough this time around.