Johnny awakened a few hours later, sitting up in the back of the Rover before pulling his cigarette pack out of his shirt pocket, tapping one out and lighting it up. Another deep drag, another exhale, this time without the payoff, but somehow calming all the same.
He crushed out the remains of his cigarette in a portable ashtray, making sure it was out before closing the lid. There was plenty of daylight left, he figured. Plenty of time for a hike up to one of his favorite spots, and maybe an easy climb. One of the good things about having days off in the middle of the week was the lack of crowds. It would be good and quiet, no one to bother him.
And no one to find you if you fall.
Johnny froze at that. The thought was no more than a whisper, as if someone had stood right next to him and whispered in his ear. But it stood out against the quiet static that occupied his mind most of the time.
He finally shook off the thought and started off, taking in the sights and the sounds, carefully making his way up the trail until he reached the ridge.
It's a long way down, Johnny. You'd never survive.
There was that voice again. Christ, he was worse off than he thought. Maybe he really was slipping.
He pushed the thought aside and tried to concentrate on the views below, the deep canyons, the rough rock faces, the scrubby vegetation. It was beautiful in its own way, rough and wild, so unlike the city he'd left behind him.
It didn't take long for Johnny to ready his equipment to start the rappel down the rock face. He'd seen others up here climbing without any equipment at all, just hands and feet.
Those guys were nuts, Johnny had decided long ago. He might be a little cracked himself, but he wasn't crazy or brave enough to attempt that. That was a sure route to finding oneself at the bottom of the canyon, busted to pieces.
He had a brief vison of the guy from that last call, the way his body had landed on the concrete, before someone had covered him with a blanket. The bile rose in Johnny's throat at the memory.
That's how they'd find you, you know. The voice echoed in his head again. Pieces of you all over the canyon.
Johnny took in a shaky breath, steadying himself against the rock face. "Not now." he told himself. "Not a good time."
Oh, but it would be so easy. The voice continued. Ropes break. Accidents happen. Who would know that you just…let go?
Everybody would know. Everyone knew Johnny was an experienced climber, Roy especially. Whenever they would have to pull out the climbing equipment, Roy would get a little green around the gills. He was capable, sure, but he didn't enjoy it.
But Johnny loved it, and being able rescue folks from great heights or depths was one of the greatest thrills he could think of.
Except that last one.
You could have gone with him, you know. You were so close.
That voice was almost taunting him now, and the more he tried to ignore it, the louder it spoke. Of all the places to completely crack up, this had to be one of the worst. At least on the job he had the calls to focus on, something to keep the noise at bay. Here, it was just him and the rock face.
He reached as far as the rope would go, bouncing slightly as he hung from the rope, letting himself twist ever so slightly.
Oh, that's going to fray. The voice whispered softly now. It's going to fray, and it's going to break.
Johnny took a deep breath and found his foothold, starting his climb back up the rock face. He scanned the rock face, plotting out each foot plant and hand hold as he made his way up, taking up the slack in his rope as he went.
The voice was silent now. Good.
He reached the top of the ridge and pulled himself up, letting out a long breath as he sat cross-legged, watching as the light patterns slowly changed, changing the whole landscape with it.
It was stunning, but if he didn't head back to his campsite now, he wouldn't make it back before dark. He only wanted to get lost in a metaphoric sense, not a literal sense.
The sun was setting as Johnny laid the base for his campfire, and he soon had it going just as he wanted it, the crackles and pops soothing in its own way, and he allowed himself to lose himself in the glow and the warmth.
He thought he could hear something off in the distance, a steady rhythm, and it finally occurred to him what it was. The sound of drumming carried over from another campsite, at once familiar and strange.
If it was the group of people he was thinking of, this little trip was about to get a lot more interesting. One of the last times Johnny had come up here, he had found himself camped near a small group that had already been there for a week or more, calling themselves the Rainbow Children.
Roy had merely shaken his head when Johnny had told him about the group, muttering something about 'those weirdo hippie freaks', but Johnny had found them intriguing. And they had far more interesting drugs that what Johnny had brought with him, drugs that had taken him on a wild journey that he still hadn't fully understood and couldn't have explained to Roy if he'd tried.
A pair of voices approaching snapped Johnny out of his reverie, and for a moment he was unsure if they were real or if they were just echoing around his noisy brain. The snapping of twigs made him decide that they were real enough, and he rose from where he was crouched next to the fire to investigate.
Johnny lit his lantern and crossed to where he had heard the voices, nearly running into two young women, who froze with expressions resembling deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. One of them stopped and studied Johnny, seeming to recognize him. "It's okay, Sally. I know this guy. He's cool."
It took Johnny a moment, but the memory finally surfaced. He couldn't remember her name, but he remembered how she had made him feel. A night spent in the back of the Rover, wrapped up with each other, talking about everything and nothing.
The next morning he had awakened alone, and he was sure he had just hallucinated the whole thing. He never mentioned anything about that to Roy, either.
"You're welcome to come on over and visit." The young woman was telling him. "We're planning another little trip, if you know what I mean."
"I'll think about it." Johnny found himself answering.
The young woman smiled. "Maybe we'll catch you on our way back."
With that they were gone, disappearing into the darkness, and Johnny found himself considering the idea. It wouldn't take much to bank his fire and join the group, and maybe that particular kind of trip was what he needed to pull him out of his current state.
It wouldn't last, of course. These things never did. But Johnny desperately needed the distraction.
Before long the two women returned, talking quietly as they approached Johnny. "Are you ready?"
"In a minute." Johnny answered absently as he banked the fire and picked up the lantern, following the two women back to the campsite.
The fire was blazing, the flames leaping far higher than Johnny was comfortable with, the drumming so loud now that it vibrated through his whole body. One of the guys grinned and nodded as he approached. "Hey man. Thought we saw you over there. Good of you to join us."
Johnny couldn't remember this guy's name either, though he recognized him. He simply nodded and crouched down near the fire, the heat sinking into his body, relaxing him.
He felt a tap on his shoulder, and he turned to see the young woman next to him. "Open wide."
Johnny did as he was told, opening his mouth and allowing her to place the piece of paper on his tongue, letting it dissolve slowly. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him lightly before pulling back and taking a dose herself.
It wasn't long before everything seemed to shift in front of him, shapes and colors forming where they hadn't been before, and Johnny felt himself floating, drifting, the vibration of the drums still coursing through him. The flames seemed to dance in front of him, and when he reached out to grab one, something pulled him back.
"Don't do that." The voice told him. "You'll regret that later."
He froze at the sound of the voice. It was the same voice he'd heard earlier when he was on that rock face.
What if he couldn't escape it? Maybe it was just part of him now.
But this voice seemed different. It was keeping him out of danger, rather than pushing him toward it.
Johnny rose to his feet, backing away from the flames that danced before him, that seemed to reach out to him, whispering for him to come join them, come dance with them.
Somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind, Johnny knew it was a bad idea, that it was dangerous, but that didn't stop him from reaching out again and again.
He felt hands on his shoulders, pulling him back, the sensation of something cool and wet on his hands that replaced the warmth he'd felt previously.
"Let's get you away from that fire." Another voice penetrating his brain, one he couldn't place. "You're going to burn to a crisp if you don't leave it alone."
An image suddenly flashed through Johnny's mind, the image of someone he had found during a search and recovery mission after a major fire. The body had been charred beyond all recognition. It was the first time he had witnessed such a thing, and he remembered how he had almost immediately vomited at the sight.
Get used to it, kid, his captain at the time had told him, but he never really had. He had only learned to manage his reactions to these things.
The flames morphed in front of him, coming together into a creature, and Johnny suddenly recognized it. A dragon, shooting fire into the air before it bore down on him, threatening, menacing, baring its teeth before the torrent of flame overtook him.
He screamed, curling himself instinctively into a ball as best he could to defend himself against the assault. Soon he felt something thrown over him, thick and wet and heavy, and he concentrated on the sensation of breath moving through his body, slowing as the sense of panic finally left him.
"You're okay, buddy." A male voice this time. "You're okay."
Once Johnny managed to throw off the object, he opened his eyes and looked up. The sky was clear, a million stars shining through the trees. He raised his hand in front of him, slowly moving it through space, watching the trails that followed behind it.
He barely managed to suppress a giggle. This must be what traveling through space felt like, the floating sensation, the feeling that he was being lifted up, that he would soon be among the stars himself.
The stars shifted, forming unknown shapes, slowly turning colors, like a kaleidoscope, but better. A calm settled over him, a calm he couldn't remember feeling in ages.
Johnny felt a hand sliding across his body, lips brushing against his cheek, something soft and warm, pressing against him.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" The young woman's voice was as soft and warm as her body.
"Just like you."
She kissed him again, this time full on the lips, and it slowly deepened, lingered, and Johnny could feel his desire spread through his body. He still wasn't sure that what was happening right now was real, but it felt real, and in the moment, that was enough.
He felt her pull back, and he opened his eyes to look up at her. There was a strange light surrounding her, one he could only describe as a halo, though Johnny knew that wasn't quite the right word for it. No matter.
"We should find somewhere else for this." She told him. "Unless you don't mind an audience."
There was nowhere else Johnny wanted to be. "What audience?"
That seemed to be enough for her, and they were soon nothing but a tangle of limbs, hands and mouths exploring every inch of flesh, their two bodies becoming one, a sudden bright light, an electric shock flowing through him, seemingly without end until he finally floated down.
He opened his eyes again to see a silvery light through the tops of the trees, the moon so close he could reach right out and touch it if he wanted.
There was movement next to him, and he turned to see the young woman pulling a shirt back over her head. He reached out for her, but she was too far away. "Where are you going?"
"It's late." She told him. "I thought I'd go catch a little sleep."
Johnny couldn't imagine how anyone could sleep as the universe shifted around them. It was the greatest show imaginable. "And miss all of this?"
She laughed softly, leaning down to kiss him. "The show doesn't stop when you close your eyes."
Johnny suddenly had an idea. "Come back to the Rover with me. It's not far."
She seemed concerned, though Johnny didn't know why. "Are you sure you know where you're going?"
Johnny scrambled to his feet, managing to pull his own clothes back on. "Sure, sure."
He took her hand and off they went. It seemed to be taking an awfully long time to get from one campsite to the other, but Johnny pressed on, finally spotting the white vehicle off in the distance.
There was some sort of strange pattern playing out on the body of the Rover, and Johnny paused before reaching for the back door. It was then that he noticed the patterns dancing over the back of his hand, how they changed when he moved his hand around.
He slowly curled his fingers around the handle, hearing the familiar creak as the door opened, and he let her climb in first, following not far behind and closing it behind him.
And here they were once again, their bodies intertwined, but this time it was unhurried, with little bursts of quiet conversation until they were both exhausted, finally falling into slumber.
Even if he woke up alone again, Johnny decided, this right here had been worth the entire trip.