on February 12, I sat in the dark before Thomas Cranmer came in. I didn't face him though. I just stared at my feet and thought about being on the scaffold. I feared death. but I also didn't know what it would be like. would I be in any pain?"
"shall I bring you a confessor, madame?" he spoke up.
"no. bring me a block—that way I would know how to place myself. I hardly ever prayed to God. he wouldn't know who I was."
he went about his way and when I lifted my head up, I imagined that Thomas. my Thomas. was walking toward me, smiling. I would get to see him very soon and we will have each other in heaven. but it wasn't him. it was Lady Rochford. her eyes were droopy and red. I also noticed that she had lost a lot of weight while we've been the tower. she must have refused her meals as I did.
"Are you scared, my child?" she knelt before me.
I shrugged. "I think I am." I curled my lip and sniffed. "are you?"
"I was. but now the suffering will be over. I will be at peace. eternal peace. there are no mortal kings and queens to be afraid of in heaven. only God.
"I'll get to see my mother. I never got to know her. but now I will."
she grinned.
"And I'll see Thomas."
"you still love him?"
"yes. I will love him until I die and even in my death I will. my heart breaks for him. I watched him die and I felt myself be torn apart. he called me his little fool and I was. he more of a husband to me than the king. he always wanted me to be pregnant and I was once. but I lost it. Thomas didn't care whether or not I was pregnant. he loved me for me. we discussed our wedding day. for pretend. but sometimes we spoke about how we might get married when the king is dead and then we could live freely and be called husband and wife. we would be surrounded by the countryside. with horses and dogs."
"That sounds lovely."
"he would feed me grapes every morning, call me his wife and his sweetheart. tell me though. was my cousin, Anne Boleyn scared when she was imprisoned?"
"no. she didn't think that the king would have her executed. even when she was about to die, she thought that the king would intervene."
I scoffed. "I hope that the king never gets married again. I don't want him to treat anyone else harshly. as he did with the five of us and I hope that Lady Elizabeth is treated with the same affection that I had given her. she thought of me as her sister."
Mr. Cranmer came back in and placed the block in front of me, when he left I placed my head on the block.
"you mustn't do this. you should treat your last night as a gift," said Jane.
"I need to be ready."
I could see that she was fighting back her tears. I was too.