Hey.

Hi.

It was

It was my birthday, yesterday.

I know, I know.

Feels crazy.

Doesn't it?

Another one.

Feels like they're

Catching up to me.

Or…

Something.

Aw, forget it.

Sorry.

Don't know what I was trying to say.

I'm…

I'm twenty-one, now.

By the way.

Feels like…

Feels like it was yesterday

That I was thirteen.

Does it…

Do you ever think about…?

Anyway.

Thirteen to twenty-one.

That's eight years, you know.

And I can think of a lot,

Eight things, easy,

That have

Changed.

I mean

It wasn't overnight.

I probably make it sound

Like it was.

But it's just…

We haven't talked

In a while

And I know

It's my fault.

I'm…

I'm sorry.

But

Uh…

But what I'm saying, is

Maybe you don't know…

That I'm a whole foot taller.

(Vic's still the better baller.)

Start fewer spats.

(With Raven, that is, the bad guys couldn't give a crap.)

Made it to Mega Mech level 203.

(Then the GameStation gave out and I had to stop.)

Starred in a commercial for Sunny D.

(Don't laugh! You've gotta start somewhere to get to the top.)

…

Inhale.

…

Finally got the moped.

(Wonder what that button does?)

New haircut.

(High fade, lightning bolt buzz.)

Adopted a mutt.

(He's a companion, Vic, not a pet.)

Another city.

(Hollywo– Almost. Not yet.)

Tomorrow.

But today?

I'm here.

…I'm here.

With yesterday's mud– squelching under my sneakers.

Rain aftertaste– lingering on my tongue.

Damp chill– wetting shivering skin.

Dim cave– blocking out the sun.

It doesn't seem fair

Does it?

That I get to choose

Where I call my own

And you

Don't.

Anyway.

Some things

Change.

Some things change

A lot.

Way before

You want them to.

And some things…

Never do.

Like…

Your laugh

Unguarded song

Rewarding every dumb joke

That comes along.

Your voice

In the car

As the radio blares,

Jamming like a rockstar.

Your arms

Around me

After I've made

A promise.

Our fingers

Intertwined

When I leaned in

For a kiss.

…

Exhale.

…

Your…

Your smile

Covering a lifetime

Of pain.

Your fear

Wondering if I'll leave you

Just the same.

Hasty lies

Leading to a choice

You couldn't make.

An outstretched hand

I

Didn't take.

And I'm sorry

Don't mean to be a downer

I thought I was ready

But now that I'm here…

Because there's unforgiving rock– harsh beneath my knees.

And old tears– drying on my cheeks.

A lonesome statue– cold against my forehead.

A pulseless hand– I wish, I wish I would have said…

The choice

Is yours.

It always was.

You decide

Who you'll be.

And no else, because

You are you.

Can't change that

No matter what anyone does.

(And I

Would never want you to.

Not that it matters

Anymore.)

I should have told you

So much

When I could.

Before I left you

With cutting, stupid words.

Without a touch.

We were just kids, you know?

We were just children.

I understand, now.

I'm sorry that I didn't

Then.

But now…

Now what's the use?

Now it's over.

Now I lost my chance.

And now, you will never–

Never…

You will never

Help me find

The perfect sunset spot

On the boulevard, where we can sit

Hand in hand and talk.

Never

Decorate our new place

With night-brite stars

Lie awake till dawn

And listen to the passing cars.

Not even

Hear me answer the phone

With shaking hands and whisper yes.

Spin around the room with me

After I hang up, until we're breathless.

(And I

Don't even know

If you would want to.

Is it selfish

That that's

The worst part?)

…

you will never know

how much we loved you

or the scarred emptiness

carved out by your absence

You

Will never

Change.

I…

Already have.

I am twenty-one.

You are forever thirteen.

You were two months older, two inches taller.

I'm… Well, now you look so much smaller.

(Four hours

until I board the plane

and I am already

so far from you.)

But I will keep

Your name

My tongue remembers

The shape.

I think

–youthfully, foolishly–

That it once belonged

To my soulmate.

I will store your smile

In my pocket.

A blurry Polaroid

Corners worn round

Under lonely fingers

And frayed.

If I

Hide you

In the hollow

Of my regretful

Heart,

Maybe I

Will never

Have to leave you

Behind.

(Any more

Than I already have.

I am so sorry.

Just like my words

On that horrible night

I didn't mean it.)

So this isn't

Goodbye

Me standing here,

Suitcase in hand.

It's just…

…

Just…

(I wish you would wake up.

I wish you would shake off the stone and time

To breathe and laugh and run with me through that door.

I wish this was a dream.

I wish you were fine.

I wish you wanted to live a little more.)

Terra.

I'm sorry.

I loved you.

…

Goodbye.