Sam

I ran. Just ran. Where I was headed I did not know. I am not sure how I got there, but I found my way to the deck of the ship. The cool night air felt good as it licked my skin. The smell of the fresh sea air brought my heart rate down but I was still crying. I walked over and leaned on the edge, looking out over the vast ocean.

What was Zuko thinking right now? That I'm crazy? Almost definitely. Maybe I am crazy. It was so long ago, I never thought it would come rushing back to me the way it did.

I knew Zuko would eventually come looking for me. And I would have to explain to him what happened. And he will be upset. Not with me, but with himself. I was learning very quickly that he shouldered the weight of the world.

I wasn't wrong. I heard the door open and I knew it was Zuko without having to look up. I heard his footsteps, slow and cautious, as they approached me. He stopped several feet away from me, afraid to touch me or get close. I was still crying, my back to him and I figured he could see it in my shoulders and hear my whimpers. I just wanted to rush over to him and embrace him. Tell him he did nothing wrong. But my feet were planted, rooted to the ground. I stayed leaning against the edge of the ship, looking at the stars out across the water.

"Sam?" That was all he said. Just one word. My name. He was being cautious. Not sure if I would have another outburst. I didn't move. I didn't respond. I just stood there. For several minutes I just looked out across the water and Zuko stood by me. Not wanting to intrude but not wanting to leave me alone either.

"I'm sorry, Zuko." I said. It was our second time with intimacy and I had ruined it. And probably traumatized the poor man.

"Don't be. I'm the one who is sorry. I'm not sure what I did, but whatever it was. I didn't mean to scare you. I will never hurt you."

I cried harder and dropped my head down onto my arms. He thought that it as him! He had no idea that I was damaged goods. I sobbed. Zuko took a chance and slowly walked closer to me. He placed a hand on my shoulder. Still distant.

"Please. What happened?"

"It wasn't you, Zuko. You didn't do anything wrong. It's…me. I'm…damaged."

"What are you talking about?" he walked over to me and leaned his back against the edge of the ship facing the opposite direction as me. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked over at me.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you. But I was…ashamed and I didn't want you to think less of me. I guess you probably think I'm crazy now. Bang up job there, Sam," I said sardonically.

He placed his hand on mine gently, "talk to me."

"I…I'm not a virgin." I meant before we were intimate of course and Zuko understood.

"I know." he said simply. He was curious but he didn't say anything. He let me explain it in my own time.

I took a deep breath. Now or never. I thought.

"It started when I was 11. We would have nobles and royals come from all over the lands for treaties, trade routes. You know, the usual stuff that transpires between kingdoms," I realized he probably knew about that more than I did at this point, "There was a prince who would come and…took a liking to me. Prince Jakar. One evening, I was in my chambers sitting on my bed, just reading and winding down for the night when I felt a presence near me. It was Jakar. I started when I saw him but didn't really know what to do. He walked in and closed the door and I could feel the intent in his movements but didn't know what it meant. I sat still, a bit scared. Not sure what he was doing. He walked over to me and stroked my face. He sat down on my bed, pushed me down. I was shocked and tried to push him off of me. He grabbed me by my wrists and trapped my hands above my head." Zuko stiffened again and took a quick, short breath but remained silent.

"Well, I'll spare you the details." my voice trailed off. Zuko was still as stone, his gaze staring off into nothing. He wasn't looking at me, but he was listening. "After he was done, of course I was…sore. There was…blood. Anyway, he threatened me saying he would hurt my younger brother if I said anything. I was 11. I didn't understand what had happened. So I kept it quiet. After that, every time he would visit he would…come to me. I didn't know at the time what he was doing, but I knew he wasn't supposed to be doing it. One day, when I was 14, I just couldn't take it anymore. I…I told my parents. They were furious." I could feel Zuko's approval at this new revelation, "at me." I concluded. Zuko's eyes shot open and he snapped his head in my direction. I didn't look at his face. I couldn't. All I knew was my face was bright red.

"They told me that I should never have led him on and this was all my fault. Of course, I was raised in this culture. A culture where a woman's word is useless against a man's. The only way a man would be convicted of rape is if there were 3 witnesses. They had to be male and adults. You can guess how often that happens. They told me that I had disgraced my family, my people and my own name with my promiscuity. They said I either leave or I will have to face the consequences. If a woman is caught lying with a man outside of marriage she will be executed. So I had no choice. I later received word that they had banished me, disowned me and stripped me of my title and my birthright. They even revoked my citizenship. It was just my brother and me so he became the crown prince. It wasn't until I was gone from it for a long time I realized THEY were wrong and it took even longer for me to realize it wasn't my fault."

I finally chanced a look over at Zuko. His eyes were closed and his jaw clenched, his muscles flexed but otherwise his face was unreadable. His hands balled into fists. He didn't say a word. I was hoping he hadn't caught that I'd left something out. If he had, he didn't show it. I suddenly felt the shame all over again and realized what he must be thinking. I turned around, slid down and sat on the deck, my back against the side of the ship. My legs outstretched in front of me.

"I…I'm sorry, Zuko."

I saw his head snap to me out of the corner of my eye. He looked down at me with unabashed disgust on his face. "For what?!" He almost shouted at me.

"For not telling you about this before we married. For not giving you the choice before you were legally stuck with me. Who wants a soiled wife?" I said, disgusted at my own deceit and selfishness.

Zuko got up, walked over in front of me, knelt down, his legs straddling mine. He grabbed my face and turned it up to forcing me to face him. My eyes were closed. He said nothing, waiting for me to open them. I finally peeled back my eyelids and there was no disdain in his eyes. No disgust. No blame. No hatred. He brushed the tears away with his thumbs. "From this moment until your dying breath, I never want to hear you say that again." His voice was stern and firm.

"But…I'm…not…I'm…dirty." I said, disgust dripping off my words.

"No. You are perfect. And you are not to blame for what he did to you. Your parents should never have turned their backs on you at such a traumatic time. I'm sorry they did."

"I should have told you."

"It wouldn't have changed anything."

He sat down next to me and lifted his arm and put it behind me head urging me toward him. I allowed him to wrap his arm around me. He pulled me close and I cried into his chest. I cried because of reliving the memories. I cried because of putting Zuko through those memories. I cried for making Zuko feel like he was in any way, shape or form responsible for my outburst. I cried because I felt relief This was the first time I had ever told someone. I reached up with my free hand and wrapped my arm around his neck, desperate for his closeness, pulling myself closer to him. He pulled me into his lap and I continued crying into the junction of his shoulder. We sat on the deck together, Zuko stroking my back with one hand and my hair with the other and muttering softly to me.

"I'm sorry for being a blubbering mess. I've…never told anyone that before."

"There is nothing to be sorry for."

We sat there on the deck for a while until I started shivering. Zuko breathed out hot air from his nose, making a chill run down my spine. He picked me up and carried me to our room. He laid me down on the bed and sat on a chair across the room. I looked up at him, confused.

"Why are you sitting over there?"

"I want to give you your space. After what I did to you, I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable."

I rolled my eyes at him still taking the blame. I lifted myself and propped up on my elbow and held out my hand to him, "Please? I don't want to lay alone." he hesitated for a moment. I assumed he was deliberating whether or not it was a good idea. Ultimately, he granted my request and came over to me. He laid with me in bed as I laid my head on his chest like I had done previously. He had his pinned arm wrapped around me and the other hand was stroking my arm that was draped over his chest. He must have felt my breathing slowing and becoming more rhythmic.

"Sleep Sam. You're safe now. Just sleep."