No matter how tired Jem seemed to be, whenever Tessa woke up, she was in her own four-poster bed. Today, for some reason, he hadn't carried her back.
"Sophie?" he asked her, confused.
Why was he confused? Yes, Sophie was a good soul, she wouldn't spread the word that Tessa had spent the night in Jem's room, God only knew what she'd caught Will doing. Still, Tessa couldn't bear the thought of the maid being disappointed in her.
It wasn't even as if something immoral had happened between them.
Well, they had exchanged more than innocent kisses on a number of occasions, and there was a bit of exploration involved. So far, however, they had always stopped before something happened that could not be undone.
And even if so? She was going to marry Jem, would it really matter if they didn't wait until their wedding night?
She would never admit it, but the curiosity and her desire were killing her.
Tessa turned in Jem's direction. His bright eyes were trained on her as if she was the only thing he could see. She loved that about him. Whenever she had insecurities about herself, one look from Jem was enough to convince her that she was enough.
A smile crept onto her face.
It was such a good feeling waking up in Jem's arms.
Soon they would be able to do this every morning without worrying about other people's gossip. Until then, however, she shouldn't be here in the morning. "Sophie will be coming to help me dress soon, so maybe I really should be in my room." Tessa tried to swing herself out of bed, but it wasn't as easy as it used to be.
"Tessa, are you okay? This is your room." Worry spoke in Jem's voice. Frowning, she looked over her shoulder at him. He was still wearing the parchment-colored robe he'd arrived in yesterday. He was still half lying in bed, leaning on one of his bony arms. It was a smaller bed than the one he had in his room at the Institute.
It was her bed in the small apartment she shared with Catarina.
She blinked in surprise as the truth dawned on her. That's why she had so much trouble getting up. She and Jem weren't seventeen anymore.
Then she laughed. "Just kidding," she said lightly. "Your expression was indescribable." Will had made jokes like that a number of times, hopefully that was all Jem would think it was.
She turned, grabbed her cane to go to the kitchen.
She kept her eyes averted from Jem so he wouldn't see her bluff.
She opened the fridge only to find it was empty.
True, because of the war there wasn't much that they had in the house. "I think Catarina is hiding another biscuit somewhere, if you want we can share it for breakfast."
As she turned to face the cookie jar, however, Jem was already there. He put both his hands on her arms and looked at her so intensely that she couldn't help but look into his eyes.
Of course, Jem didn't just let it go. He was a good judge of character, where she could convince others over and over again that she was okay, Jem took a close look at first.
He knew when something was wrong.
And he wouldn't crack tacky jokes and avoid uncomfortable topics.
Will could always bring a light touch to everyone, while Jem made her feel like she had support in everything.
"What's up, Tessa?" he asked her slowly.
She shook her head, tears in her eyes. He had come such a long way. For her, he had transcended half the planet during a time of war and ignorance.
She wanted to enjoy her time with him a little longer, to get to know him again, before she confessed what was going on.
He would understand.
Jem was patient, he wasn't going to force her to talk about it. For years, Will had kept a secret that was destroying himself. While everyone was always trying to get it out of him, Jem had just stood by his side. He hadn't pushed and built trust until Will finally confided in him.
And while Tessa didn't want to talk about it, she couldn't keep Jem from it forever either.
After her scene he probably already suspected a large part of it.
"Later," she said. She would spend the day with him, take him to the Institute, introduce him to her family, and visit Will's grave with him.
After that she would tell him everything.
She trusted and loved him. And she knew she could get through it with him. He wasn't a day back in her life, but she knew his presence was a blessing.
A sign that it's time for her to stop ignoring the uncomfortable facts.
Nevertheless, she allowed herself this one day.